ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

[BEAUTlFUL]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Come in here and chat about erection-texts, lechy lecturers and getting the painters in.

Hi Ifyourhappy, God I feel embarrassed that I'm disturbing your sleep . Glad to hear you've had a lovely trip away.

Thanks for your response on other thread. Got a text from friend that she was too busy to meet, I tried ringing but she didn't answer & then sent a text to ask could I collect stuff from somewhere today as I urgently need them & got no answer. Being honest I'm completely dumbfounded how anyone could be so cruel. It's a book & notes that I lent her that I urgently now need back for a college assignment that I should have well started.

I'm going to use this as a valuable learning experience. One thing my best friend & exh had in common is that they were both takers & I took on the role of giver to both. Both have terrible anger issues whereas I quiver & run from any confrontation or nastiness. I am always being told by other friends that I'm too nice so I'll either try to be less nice (not sure if that's possible or even the way I'd like to be) or meet like minded people for closer friendships .

As for the court case, to be honest I've spoken to very few people about it but I'm going to continue seeing counsellor until it's over so I'll get all the support I need there. Also the female police officer who has been handling the case is really nice & meets me outside of courthouse & stays with me the whole time.

Hi Mumfun,glad to hear you had a nice weekend & that things are going well for you at the moment.

I'm being challanged on the friend front aswell as per the above. Other friends did a quick disappearing act as soon as I separated & couple friends that we used to go out with abandoned both sides despite the fact that I never discussed split or what had happened!

I spoke to a lovely lady the other day who was advertising to try & set up a separated/single mothers group. It's not in my area but if it gets off the ground I'd certainly travel to it. Have been toying with the idea though of maybe trying to organise one here in my own area. The lady said she had been involved in one in a different area when she first separated & that it was a lifesaver to her.

Loobie, I hope you're doing ok.

Waves to all other dumplings & lurkers

hi everyone hope you are all feeling thoroughly gorgeous !
Did absolutely hee haw over the weekend.Ds got chased by the sheep yesterday trying to get his ball out the field- legged it over the fence shouting "they're going to eat me."DDs cough much better but cant get her to wear outdoor clothes outdoors .Had the biggest laugh in ages cos my folks were up today and we were playing musical statues with my dd's new stereo and my dad was in charge of the tunes. Watching the wee people dancing always makes me smile anyway,but my dad was a bit slow and couldnt work the buttons
"Oh look its MC Canny C" on the decks (get ur glasses on dad )

Starting can you go round to friends house and pick up ur things - maybe do 2hrs of yoga so ur true ice cool goddess b4 you go.I had a friend of 12yrs dump me after she got married .We told each other everything ,total best buds ,then I came in one day and she had left a real spiteful message on my phone about the wedding present I bought her.I had never thought of her as that shallow before but I guess she was very unhappy and insecure.Ive never seen her again. She moved house when she got married and that was that .But I will never know the real reason,maybe she just really hated that crystal vase I bought her.
Someone once told me that people that try and take away your happiness only do it cos they are unhappy and bitter about their own lives.You just remember the good things in your own life and their words cant touch you. You cant analyse and second guess their reasons cos you aint walked in their shoes and lived their life which could have been fucked up long b4 you arrived on the scene.
I am also using alanon detatchment thingy in every aspect of my life at present which means I do not over analyse things I cannot change(previously my complete speciality) I just let them go .One step at a time and all that.Not feeling the need to contact H .He can text or phone me re access ,so feeling more stable.

Going to make an effort to flirt with at least one man this week,just for fun ,
love and hugs x

ps grandparents brought 2 misplaced selection boxes .... result !!

Ah Maybees, I'm just stuggling with my college application forms & you gave me a great laugh "maybe she really hated that crystal vase I bought her". You're right of course, she is very unhappy in her own life at present so it's to do with that. Despite everything that's happened to me I feel fairly happy & upbeat (unless I allow myself to wreck my head by dwelling on actions of exh & ex best friend!). Chin up, padded tits out.

You're sounding really upbeat too & I'm delighted for you. Sounds like Alanon is doing you the power of good, note to self to try to get to a few meetings. Actually, somebody told me recently that Alanon was great hunting grounds (for men), I only met distraught females but may try to tag along to some of their social occassions if all else fails!

Thanks Maybees, your post has really lifted my spirits. I had been considering just turning up on her door so if I don't hear from her tomorrow that's a possibility.

Enjoy the selection boxes, I've gone back to my old favourites of family size trifle & bombay mix!

I have just calculated that as I can't now continue in the course I'm in, if & it's a big if, I ever manage to see this through with the new route I'm taking it will have meant 7 yrs in college before I'm qualified!!!!!!!!!! Forgot to meantion there will be 400 approx applications for 4 places on the course I'm trying to now get accepted on .

Oh shite!Seems such a shame you cant stay on ur course ,is it childcare that is ur main problem ?God you would think colleges would be able to help with a magical list of super fun freelance mary poppins type people for these situations - wot is their fucking problem .

Hi Maybees, childcare is indeed the prob, when I'd undertaken course exh was going to be covering childcare but things have changed since then. Being honest I'm not really too bothered by it, my priority for now is the dc's & if it doesn't work out I'll just defer for a year or two.

My dc's are young so I've plenty of time or if I ever need to get a job I can go back to my previous field. I've plenty of options but I just want to keep this going if at all possible because it gives me something outside of dc's & is a great way of meeting people/making friends (which I need more then ever now).

Just re-read your post now & got another laugh over vase, it's set me up for the day, made me see the funny side of things thanks. Really glad you're doing so well now & having a bit of fun again.

Waves to all dumplings & lurkers.

Hello Dumplins & Lurkers,

I had a revelation today that I am just so HAPPY without the sulking and moods of XP. Apparently he is very upset that 'I am getting over the break up so soon' well I don't consider two dreadful unhappy years very soon, but there you go! His version of events are quite different of mine and he is entitled to that.

I have made so many new friends since our split, it is like I am the old me again. Female friends are fab, one told me I am quite beautiful which I found very touching as I don't feel very attractive at the moment.

Still going on more dates lined up, have met some interesting males but am taking it VERY slowly.

My H popped into see kids 2 nite after work ,complained right away that they should have been fed earlier cos he still has things to do .I told him we didnt know exactly when he was arriving and he musn't come into the house and talk to me like that in front of the kids.He said "yes its always about you isnt it"His presence is like a blackness that seeps into our lives.I understand he is very stressed but he makes me fearful and anxious when I am around him and he has done this for years.

Good for you Dutch!
I also had this feeling, after being on my own for just a few weeks, of HAPPINESS . I am entering into one of the most stressful times of my life and although I missed him terribly in the beginning it was a RELEASE my body felt .I didnt need to be frightened of his unpredictable behaviour anymore.
I had forgotten what it was like not to have tension in the house and now my children will be surrounded with calmness and love .

Even if I dont understand why I feel the way I do I know I am relaxed and positive without him and tense and negative when he is around me.

Kids starting to ask more questions about the situation and ive said they can phone dada whenever they like.They were asking him where he sleeps now and this afternoon dd was playing with her doll and told me barbie doesnt have a daddy ,just a mummy.I told her that dd does have a daddy and he loves her very much.

Good that you have the option of deferring college course Startin.Can you do voluntary work or something in your subject to gain experience mean time, good to keep your skills up if you can and social life!Def agree with enjoying little ones but also having your own time ,only way I have survived so far!How is the new dog doin by the way?

On the friends subject I feel now I have one friend left ,so the only way is up.In the early days I phoned who I thought were our friends and they switched their phones off so I got that message loud and clear . Never mind they were all assholes anyway

Take care x

ps Ds searching thru a little rucksack yesterday suddenly exclaims "Mummy ive found one of your bottoms !"holding up a tampon .

Hi Dutchy, God it's great to hear you so positive. The Dumplings are rising again . Glad all is going well on the friend & dating front.

Hi Maybees, still giggling about "finding one of your bottoms". It's terrible the way these twunts continue to invade our house with their moods after the split! I suppose if you want him to see dc's in house for now you'll just have to do deep breathing & count your blessings he's gone from house.

I've had all those sad comments/questions from dc's aswell, never fails to pull at my heart strings. My poor dc's have effectively lost their daddy, it's over three months since they saw him .

Have voluntary work lined up supporting a womens domestic violence project . Might as well try to put my exp to good use!

Tried to contact friend again this morn but had no joy. Went to collect dc's from playschool & low & behold when I returned my notes & book were on the doorstep (she knows what time I go out to collect dc's!). I decided to keep my side of the street clean so I just sent a text saying thanks a mil. I've made a few new friends recently, well really just became friendlier with people I already knew so that's all positive .

It's good to find out who your real friends are though.

Dog is asleep beside me on sofa! I got rid of snoring exh & replaced him with snoring dog !

Very bad day ,can't stop crying ,H sent me lots of texts blaming me for ruining his life and I just cant handle it.

Oh God Maybees you poor thing. I've had bad bad days too & all I can say is that they do pass. Eventually the bad days get less & less.

I hope you know that you did not ruin h's life, from what you have said he did a good job of doing that all by himself. My exh still blames me!! You will find that most immature twats always blame the wife. They can't take responsibility for their own behaviour & so have to blame someone else. If they took responsibility for their own behaviour it would mean change, blaming the wife means they can keep their heads firmly buried in the sand.

You've done a fantastic job up to now in picking up the pieces. Don't allow your h to drag you down again. I know my exh was always trying to drag me down as he knew this was the only way of getting me back i.e. I'd end up feeling so bad, I'd agree to trying again. Beware.

Try to keep the focus on you & dc's. Maybe try to get to an alanon meeting or get some RL support for yourself. I've had the shittest days ever at times over the past year and a half but those days help to move you forward. This will help you to grieve & let go. From what you've said on here there is nothing you can do to save your marriage, the ball is firmly in your H's court & he's got his head buried. Therefore the only thing you can do is save yourself & dc's for now. If your H ever decides to look at his own behaviour & make changes you will be able to review things then.

Big, big, virtual hugs to you.

MB big hugs. You do have awful days but they do pass - take them minute by miunte and you will ssurvive! And then things will get better!

Starting - excellent summary of how Hs try to blame us. As Ive said to everyone Im not perfeect - most people have turned round and said you are not to blame at all!

Dutchy -glad youre getting some positives - it really helps you feeel better about yourself!

Aaah DD birthday this week so she is very happy if a little excited!

Got to go on school run now so hope everyone has a good rest of week and not long to weekend!

Thanks MumFun x
Going to go to Citz advice on Monday and find out my rights.Need to work on stabilising my situation for my kids and for myself.My mum called him a complete bastard today ,made me feel a whole lot better(so not how my mum talks ) .Then this afternoon I phoned him re kids and he told me that his dog had died .Kids dont really understand but dreadfully sad .Dont know how he is goin to cope with this one .This is wot I felt like when he first left, worried sick cos he is so unstable.
Only ever got to one alanon meeting cos no babysitter but trying to get back.
Startin thankyou so much for letting me understand his behaviour better,sometimes he will send me a text telling me he always loved me he just was too mixed up to show me ,then next time he just shuts down altogether and acts like he has no feelings .Its as if he wants to come home so keeps my hope alive ,but still wants to be able to drink etc every nite cos i have no right to tell him wot to do in his own home.I need to find my strength again I feel I need to split with him this time or Im getting a life sentence of disrespect and that is wot has worn me down thinking my life was the normal way for a man to love his woman ,but its not.All i really wanted was for him to mature as a husband and a parent and think about his responsibilities.I just dont know wot im meant to be doin at the moment re H.Is it usual that he wont tell me if we have def split or is there hope of a reconcilliation ,is that all part of the control thing again .I really have no idea! I just need to keep calm and carry on ! Tommorrow is another day x

ps made a mental note that crying loads will age me and reduce my flirting confidence so heavily moisturised after yesterdays breakdown!

Hi Maybees, I think crying loads is very theraputic & in the long run will keep you younger looking because you'll have cried out all the sadness & bitterness .

Ok, I'm going to jump in here as am rather alarmed by your post. You are waiting for an unstable active alcoholic to decide on your future?? You need to take off the blinkers & I mean that in the nicest possible way. You need to take back control & stop waiting for him to make a decision (you are looking for rational behaviour from someone incapable of it).

You need to put an end to this asap for your own stability and that of your dc's. Your H is in addiction & denial, unless that changes you have no possible chance. You cannot change this, only he can & he had to do this for himself* or it simply will not work. Don't waste your life away waiting for him to change, accept this is the way it is for today & make the best possible decisions for yourself & dc's.

I can't remember how old your dc's are but it might be worth explaining that daddy is unwell or that daddy has issues he needs to sort out right now or if they're old enough to understand a simple version of the truth. Kids are very perceptive & will already know there is something wrong with your H but by talking it through with them it will stop them from worrying or feeling rejection. This was the professional advice I was given & I can really see how it has helped dc's to accept the situation.

An age appropriate version of the truth. Last year when my dd was only two she was able to comprehend & verbalise that daddy had to sort himself out! Reassure them that even though daddy doesn't live with them he still loves them as much. If his behaviour is erratic you can say that sometimes he is not able to show it because of his issues etc.. Most importantly if your ok, dc's will be ok.

Finally, my exh is about the place saying what a bitch I am, that I've destroyed his life, that it was all my fault & god only knows what else but if I were to offer him a clean slate & to start over I know he would be back saying how much he loved me & that he was sorry he'd fucked up etc.. A person in addiction & denial is completely unstable & will swing from loving you to hating you in seconds. You need to stop listening to his words & watch his behaviour & actions or you will drive yourself insane.

I told you before I understand a lot about alcoholism & addictions & I really do have the utmost compassion for your H & my exh but the truth is untreated addiction destroys everything in its path. Save yourself & dc's, they will thank you for this someday & a least this way you will have some chance of happiness in the future.

Hi Mumfun, both my dd's have birthday's in Jan. Eldest dd managed to swing 4 parties!! One for just ourselves on day, one with pals, one at my mothers & one today with neighbour who came down with a bug on day of party!! Youngest dd got one here & one down at my mothers!

House is full of presents & crap. I've just put birthday candles away for last time thank god.

Decided to tackle toy room today..... Oh dear god, I'm wrecked, my back is broken & still need to hoover & wash all the floors!

Dont want you to misunderstand me Startin 'the reason we split is because it is OVER!I know that -he knows that- but I cannot accept that this has happened to us and that is why I am crying!Life as we know it is over .Nobody would tell us to try again,everybody would tell me to stay mentally and physically safe.But the only way I was coping was to hope it would change.I dont find him attractive anymore I dont respect him and its not healthy for my kids 3and4yo.I know all this but still I cant wipe out 15 years of my life that is why I cry cos I know its over but right now I cant take the pain I know all things are passing I know I wont always feel this way but this is excruciating I love him he is my husband and everyday he slips further away from me and he is never coming back.He is a complete bastard all he ever said to me at the end was "Fuck off weirdo!"everyday of my life .I couldnt do it anymore I needed to take the first steps to freedom and they felt so good! This is just a lapse and i will get stronger i cant let myself or my kids down Just need to learn to let go x

Sorry Maybees, your post of 22.03 made me confused. I had thought you had split but reading that post I thought it sounded like you were waiting for your H to decide if you were really split.

Anyway, I completely empathise. I went through a terrible time, terrible confusion. I couldn't tell anyone what was really going on because I wanted things to work out with exh & if people knew the things he had done I knew they would find it hard to accept if I gave it another chance !

We had been together 12yrs, had built a life together & he had been a great husband in many ways. Ending my marriage was the hardest thing I ever had to do & it felt a millions time worse because really it was he ended it (by his behaviour). I kept waiting for him to change, to be honest it's only in the past few months I've finally come to a place that I can say with 100% certainty that no matter what now I would never take him back.

I still have terrible sadness for all of us that things went the way they did. You're right it is like torture but it does get easier. My exh behaved like a bastard but I still love him & think I always will. I think I will always grieve his loss in some way even if I were ever to meet someone else. However I accept it wasn't to be & I make life as good as I can for me & dc's.

The best thing I did for myself was to give myself the time to grieve & cry for the marriage & husband I lost.

My youngest dd turned 3 two wks ago & my ds is 4 so I know life can be difficult with dc's of that age! You've had a crap time of it so try to do something nice for yourself everyday, meet someone for coffee, have a bath, treat yourself to a nice cake when dc's are in bed, anything that you enjoy. Be gentle with yourself, life will get better for both of us.

Also maybees if it's any consolation, of my three dc's the youngest two had far less issues & missed exh far less that my eldest.

Ok, a little bit of good news. I sold a set of weights this morn for 70 euro & best of all I had someone come look at excercise bike last night & they're meant to be coming in an hour to collect it for 200 euro! That will make over 300 euro for holiday kitty, yippee!

Thankyou so much Startin you really have saved my life over the last few weeks with your strong no nonsense words that can only be said by someone who has walked the walk.

Spoke to nursery today and brought them up to speed with my situation and they were great and said kids were very settled and a credit to me considering the upset at home .They supported me on how I was handling things and I am glad I have shared now because my kids welfare is my number one concern.Think it is sinking in about losing the dog too, very sad but spoke to H today and he is much more grounded about it than I imagined.I still have my wee dog but losing a family pet when family is apart is difficult for everyone.

Without sounding soft Startin ,I think most folk would have walked away years ago from wot we had but that in itself is a reflection of my self esteem . In these early days of the seperation I think you do still think maybe he will be the tiny percent that can come thru the other side.Found out recently that he has been attending counselling for alcohol weekly and def hitting 40 was a big deal psychologically for him and he never shared this with me he kept it to himself and we drifted apart with me getting more impatient with him becoming more withdrawn and drinking himself into oblivion most nights.But in hindsight we hurt the ones we are closest to and that is where him blaming me comes from.It is so true that taking responsibility would mean change and this is why it is easier for these guys to bitch to their mates about us and justify their behaviour .I think this week I just had a hormonal fueled reality check that leopards dont change their spots , this is my life now and I had just been in denial before.But today feeling a bit calmer I think that being patient is never a bad thing I think he was depressed and if he can show me acceptable behaviour ,maturity and responsibility then the next step would be counselling .But please dont be alarmed these arent the words of a foolish woman this is a dumpling talking and the standards now are very high .I only do "A Grades " when it comes to my family ,he will only be with me if he confronts his addiction and makes the changes.He will not upset the stability that i will build around my family his behaviour must be acceptable.The biggest difference now is that I feel I deserve "A grade" love and respect too.I have always thought I wasnt good enough for that and that is what has got me into this mess .I am setting an example to my kids and especially my daughter No punk ass has the right to disrespect you EVER!Ultimately he may want to be on his own and we will get divorced. I do think now this is a real possibility because of everything that has happened between us ,but by the time the dust settles I know we will be trying to make rational decisions not emotional ones for our families future
So part of it is a waiting game for me .He isnt going to sort his demons overnight so if he needs his space; let him have it ,but he needs to be civil to me and respect me when he is in our home.I am impatient I am hurt I want answers NOW so I know what im meant to be doin.But I dont think he can give them to me and he needs to find peace and my bitterness isnt going to help anyone.I am definately stronger when I am happy and a better mum. Although the hate kept me goin in the early days I cant hate him it would ultimately destroy who I am.

Wonderful news re your sales !

Once again cant thank you enough for your posts, you dont mess around with your advice and I respect that because I know you are sincere.

Whatever happens i can hold my head up high and say that i did something to change the quality of life that i had.Would have been too frightened to be a single mum before all of this happened to me (again this is due to my previous lack of self esteem) but we are a strong breed of women who made a stance against our husbands because THEY didnt make the grade .

Also my bathroom has never smelt so good -especially first thing in the morning!!!!

My chin is up ,my tits are out and we are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs to everyone, have a great weekend xxxxx

gosh went on a bit that time ,but good to get it out helps to clear my head so much xxx

Ah Maybees, so glad to hear that you've come out of that awful black pit of despair that I know so well!

Being honest Maybees, I'm only trying to pass on my own experiences which may be of help to you or others lurking but I am very aware that each situation is different. If you told me in the morning that your H went in for treatment & he was behaving like someone who had seen the light, I would be absolutely thrilled for you.

I know this thread is about helping dumplings to refind themselves & for support etc. But at the end of the day we're all real people with real lives & dc's to consider etc. I always think if there is any hope of saving a marriage then that is worth holding on for, especially if the marriage was good before things went pot.

I don't suffer from low self esteem but I still hung on in my marriage far longer than I should have because of what we used to have in the past & because I too really believed we'd pull through.

Being honest, I've gotten a great kick out of selling the stuff. House is full of crap & I'm always giving stuff to friends etc. I'd planned on just giving that stuff to any friends that wanted it but it's so much more fun & a sense of achievement to have been able to sell it. I must keep the momentum going now & see what treasures my attic reveal (exh was a compulsive buyer of all sorts of crap)!

Anyway, to more serious matters, I've just been violently ill which is most unusual for me. Twilight hours can tend to put strange thoughts into my head. Well, as I was being sick, I suddenly thought OMG what if I was unlucky enough to get pregnant. I was only ever sick on each pg by night. Imagine sex once with MD & I'd be the unlucky fucker to get caught! Have coil fitted but last dd was conceived while I was bf ds, condom fell off & as I didn't want to take a chance I got the morning after pill the next morning just to be sure. Had never taken it before & didn't realise it doesn't always work. Thought no more of it, wasn't having periods as was bf ds (9 mts old), & hey presto 3 mts later what I thought was womb contracting back was in fact the reverse, I had a lodger!

I was in a state of shock at the time but also instantly thrilled (as was exh) & I probably secretly love dd just a little bit more because of the way she came into the world (the fluke of condom falling off that once & surviving morning after pill)! Sorry if tmi, but, the moral of the story is that I don't trust contraceptives & holy fuck, being pregnant at the moment & especially by MD would be disasterous!

This is surely a combination of an overactive imagination & twilight hours but I will be hard pressed to resist getting a pg test kit in the morning!

That brought me back StartingOver! Hope you're feeling better and that it was food poisoning! This morning is not the time for MD infant tattoo jokes.

Hi Ifyourhappy, good to hear from you & glad the possibility of MD infant tattoo jokes was enough to bring you out from your lurking corner . Hope you managed to get through workload today. How are things going for you, hope all is well.

Well, didn't bother getting pg test as feel lousy today so it has to be a virus. Decided that the gods that be have surely decided that I've been kicked in the bollocks enough & are going to leave me alone for awhile.

Did a double check & coil strings are still in place so I'm just dismissing the whole idea.

Ds & dd are trying to copy the ballet dancing on Angelina Ballerina as I'm typing this .

Waves to all dumplings & lurkers.