ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

[BEAUTlFUL]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Come in here and chat about erection-texts, lechy lecturers and getting the painters in.

It is fun, isn't it baking? I make a lovely crumble and Dutch apple pie is simply the best.

Just any kind of cake all the way for me (and bread sometimes!)

I make fresh bread every day (ok, I cheat it is in the bread maker but it is yummy) I am surprised I don't have a bum the size of the USA yet.

Actually maybe the lack of a big bum is the whole problem. Dutch Girly scuttles away to examine size of bum in mirror now.

All hail fello dumpettes! Hope 2010 is working out just fine for everyone so far (despite the weather) I've had my heating on constantly for the last 3 weeks so am firmly sticking head in sand with regards gas bill. Still I suppose everyone is in the same boat.

Will not be able to make a meet up this time (just too far north to travel at the moment) so will look forward to the post meet up report.

Debating whether or not to have a glass of wine tonight. Feel pretty knackered but ds1 is off nursery as he's been tested for measles so we don't have to rush in the morning...however I'm supposed to be preparing for my interview next week so should probably steer clear of the vino.

Will take my random witterings elsewhere for now! ttfn

Mavis, have the vino, you deserve it. I've also had the heating on constantly for weeks so bill will probably be horrific.

Dutchy & happy, I'm now feeling completely inadequate & wondering if I should invest in a bread maker! My baking extends to rice crispie buns & if I'm really pushed hard queen cakes . Dutchy, tell me more about the bread maker?? Is it hard to use etc?? Having brief delusional moment of baking fresh bread & being a domestic goddess (trying to shut out picture of food processor purchased in same vain still in box gathering dust somewhere in attic).

StartingOver, making bread in the Panasonic SD255 is an absolutely doddle. Chuck in 1 yeast, sugar, salt, flour and water, set programme and timer et voila 2 hours later fresh bread. It takes 2 mins max to set it up.

Sometimes I put all ingredients in night before and set the timer so I have fresh bread in the morning. Raisin bread, tea bread etc is delicious too.

Thanks Dutchy, waking up to the smell of fresh bread sounds heaven however I have to confess the minute I read yeast, in my head I said Starting who are you kidding!! Am slightly embarrassed to confess I kinda imagined buying one of those prepared packs & dumping it into a machine et voila.....slinks away slightly mortified & trying to convince self not to even attempt wasting money on another gadget that will either end up donated to charity or gathering dust somewhere .

Husband started poppin in to see the kids ,trying to keep options open for kids sakes but everything has to be on his terms.I just cant c anything positive about sticking together .He just doesnt seem to take responsibility for any of his actions.He shows me no emotion or affection and i think that is all part of his power thing.He says that all the deceit was because his drinking had spiralled out of control and if we can wait for him to dry out things will be fine.If i mention how his actions have hurt me he says ,"here we go again ,its all about you isnt it"I just find it all so wearing ,if i dont see him i can just about cope ,but in the same room he is like kryptonite.Sorry to upset the baking vibe but really appreciate your opinions.Still dont know where he is living and he has told me not to contact him .

Evening all (emerges from warm blanket).

Do people go outside anymore?

Definitely going out helps me to be chirpy so must face the cold cold snow.

So, amazingly I don't believe in bread machines - by hand is best, it needs a good pummeling! That said, I don't do it often enough (makes note to self to make bread this weekend).

Now Maybees, doesn't sound too good. Is there a way he can see the kids somewhere else. Feels to me like you need your space and that it's best to limit contact unless he's happy to have a balanced view and show you some respect.

Would only be his parents house but to be honest he is so strung out at the moment think it would be too much for him,so short visits in the house more stable for the kids as no shouting or anger just disconnected parents.Just dont want kids to witness any upset.Totally agree about the respect thing.Think that went a long time ago ,think it has really confused him that I have gotten stronger since the split .He just seems to have a completely different set of boundaries to me regarding what is hurtful (or is it all deliberate ).

Evening Dumplings, hope all my fellow dumplings are in good cheer.

Maybees, am semi expert in all things addiction related. If your ex really has a drink problem then from what you are saying he has not even taken the first step in addressing this. The first step would be taking responsibility, not blaming you & certainly not saying "here we go again".

You need to set some boundaries, he can't be allowed to drop in & out when suits him to see dc's. Why not have set times that he comes to see dc's & then use this time to go shopping or out for a coffee etc. This could work for the short term but you should work towards him taking dc's out or having visits elsewhere. If his behaviour is that unstable that you are afraid to leave dc's alone with him then you continuing to allow him see dc's in the house while you remain there is only enabling him (I know, got the tee-shirt).

You need to pull back, set boundaries & take care of yourself. Allowing him to disrespect you & your home is not good for anyone.

Ifyourhappy, am going to resist urge to ask you for recipe, have a bread tin (no idea why), so will buy one of those preprepared pack & get this bloody bread/baking malarky out of my system!

Mmm glad to hear that this thread is taking a new direction. If all else fails let's bake girls .

Deserves its own chapter?

I preferred the direction of CL action, rampant sex, sluttish behaviour etc.... !

Thanks happy really do appreciate your opinion,just wondered how i achieve the"balanced view " this is the part i struggle with ,just seem to go round in circles ,he genuinely thinks there is nothing wrong with walking out on his family,cutting all contact and poppin in and out when he feels like it,cos he is trying to sort out his drinking.
Startin,big thankyou for ur post.I have been going out when he comes round (shoppin etc ) he ignores me when he comes in and just says "see you later kids "when i come home.I just dont fancy him flippin it if he was driving with kids in the car also need to know he is sober.Any suggestions welcome re visits dont have a clue wot im doin just want to keep my kids safe.I got told that alcoholics stop developing emotionally when they start drinking and it feels like im talking to a teenager most of the time ,door slamming ,threats and eventually running away . Part of me feels calmer and safer that he isnt living with us ,part of me feels guilty that i dont want him back but he has hurt me so bad i can never trust him again.To me his idea that we all have to wait till he sorts himself out then when he is ready,he moves back in and we all go back to living happy families is fucking ridiculous .

Just needed to share my thoughts, don't mean to be such a downer,just feeling a bit lost at the moment, sure things will get better soon x

You need to stop looking for reasonable behaviour from someone who is incapable of it due to his addiction problem. This is the thing I struggled with the most, I just kept trying to get him to behave in a reasonable way. It was a complete waste of time. He will only change if he accepts he has a problem & takes sole responsibility for it.

At some point you will probably have to move on from him minding the dc's in the house if he is showing that much disrespect to you. You could organise to do the drop off & collections yourself (I had to do this). You could have supervised access (could be supervised by his parents etc, again I had to do this) or you could drop to specific locations such as play centres etc.. I did all of this trying to maintain access but unfortunately all access arrangements eventually broke down due to my exh's unstable behaviour.

I hope things will go a different route for you but remember it's you that will need to set the standards & boundaries that are most suitable for you & dc's at present. Untreated addiction renders a person totally incapable of considering the needs or feelings of others & eventually this will extend to dc's also.

I know those awful feelings you're having so well. Best of luck & post as much as you want. I have always thrown out my bad stuff here aswell as the fun stuff.

Thanks so much Startin'I know wot i'm looking for is someone to wave a magic wand ,take all the crap away and give me back my H without a selfish destructive drink problem.But that aint goin to happen and I need to start believin it and gettin on with things.His coldness hurts the most ,but then he blames me for the split .But i didnt think asking him to make changes to his lifestyle meant he would walk out on his wife and kids .He is very down but i cant allow myself to get brought into that for fear of more manipulation etc.I just feel I have been the only adult in this relationship for such a long time.Thankyou so much for your kind advice it really means alot i think i was just foolish enough to think at the start of the week that we could work things out,now I think im aiming at keeping myself together to keep my kids lives as stable as possible.You r absolutely right about looking for reasonable behaviour and always being hurt then dissapointed cos its not there .Sex was the only real together time we had .Wow i've been a complete muppet !(not feeling sorry for myself ,just starting to piece things together)xxx

Maybees, be gentle with yourself, it takes a long time to accept your marriage breaking down. I tried everything to save mine (we'd some great times together), but it takes two to save a marriage & when you're up against addiction problems you're fighting a losing battle if these are not addressed first.

I always thought my exh would go in for treatment but unfortunately he got worse & worse & eventually became completely mentally unstable. I'm not saying this will happen in your case but addiction problems get worse unless they are treated.

Giving up the hope was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I also found I didn't tell people what was really going on as I didn't want them to dislike exh and because I really thought we'd work through it.

After being apart from exh for 6mts, I took him back when he went for help, he stopped his treatment plan within about two weeks. I won't say it was a mistake taking him back because it really helped me to see how hopeless the whole situation was. It takes a long time for a person to sort themselves out when they have gone to the place with addiction that you describe in your h.

I don't know if you tried this already but I went to some alanon meetings last year & found them to be very beneficial.

Above all mind yourself, living with someone in addiction can really warp your head as they never accept responsibility for anything & will always find a way to blame the other person.

Startin'you r a complete star.He had the kids for a few hours again 2day and when he arrived he started talking about how i wasnt looking well,he genuinely seemed concerned i had lost weight .Had a brief chat and things seemed amicable for the first time in a while .I was just trying to get him to c that if he was a little bit more thoughtful about his actions i wouldnt be so stressed/emotional .Then he pulled a "here we go again scowl"and i walked down the road in tears .So there i was again looking for reasonable behaviour from someone incapable or not ready to give it.Anyway when i was out i just thought about the good part of the converation and felt maybe there was some hope and felt quite strong and positive as i walked thru the door but he grabs his coat asks wot time 2morrow and leaves.I really have to teach myself about the reasonable behavior thing cos absolutely hopeless pattern i am in .2morrow i will expect him to leave as soon as i arrive home and then i wont be dissapointed or cross.Think i would like him to calmly suggest a respectful chat re our marriage mmmmmm i really do need to get a grip eh !cos we 're a million miles away from that .Anyway thanks for all ur precious time
have just made soup and its very tasty /quick/healthy so thought i would share cos it would go really well with the homemade bread!ps agree with the alanon meetings just dont have childcare cos ive also not shared situation with many people.But will look into it times ,place etc
and see if possible x
Lentil soup- fry one onion,add 3 pints of water 3or4 chicken stock cubes,1 cup of red lentils,1 pound of carrots roughly chopped,boil,simmer,mash carrots when done ,salt and peppax

Hi Maybees, like I said the thing that I found the hardest was giving up the hope! The minute he behaved in anyway half way decent, I started to think maybe we'd work it out.... took a long time to realise that wasn't going to happen.

This is the link to an alanon chat forum, I never posted but often found it helpful to just read the stories www.12stepforums.net/

I do make a lovely homemade soup .

thanks Startin' think ive just got to roll with it and see what happens ,just try to protect myself best I can.Def never goin back to life i had ,wont put my children in that situation ,we all deserve better.Thanks again for all your help really made a difference x

What kinda soup?

Feel slightly slapperish posting this but anyway, here's my dilemma! Imagine this, I brought my new puppy to be groomed today & guess who I bumped into.....my previous puppy!! An amazing coincidence considering I have been thinking for quiet awhile now that he was a far better bet than MD. We'd been in contact recently due to my db dying but this is the first time we've met up since I ended things (due to needing time to grieve my aunts death). Had a coffee together but when I went to leave I think we were both thinking 'what now'?

Would I be crazy to go back?? I had the best sex I have ever in my life had with this guy, no strings but completely faithful type, multiples everytime. Things with MD have fizzled out, I just couldn't keep it going, he was too intense & there was nothing there except friendship on my side. I haven't much in common with puppy either, there would be no future but he's a good friend & the chemistry is deffinately there. He'd be happy to go along with whatever I'm offering, no delusions of happy ever after etc. Well should I be on my own until I meet a potential Mr Right or would it be ok to entertain myself with puppy for now??

Hi Maybees, x post.

I make a homemade veg soup, dc's love it (except youngest dd who hates any healthy dinners!). I just boil up loads of dif veg & potatoes, add lentils etc & liquidise it coarsely.

HI all

Maybees so sorry for your situation -but Starting has been in similar so great advice. Soup is a great comforter especially in this weather!

Starting well what can I say? Hope MD is ok and let down gently. I think puppy would be fine but dont involve yourself there and stop yourself meeting someone more suitable.Difficult one actually. Amazing to meet puppy with puppy!

Hope little new puppy is doing well. I have my cat protection house/me inspection on Friday and after that we can get rescue cat. Think I will. DCs would be so happy.

Having a reasonable time at present - few nice social things. Was feeling lot happier and then had run in with H again.Arghh

Happy warm weekend all!

Ok, have ye all got back with ye're ex's for the new year or moved on with someone else?? Am I the only dumpling left around here??

Am snowed in & currently rationing cigs, bread & milk. Have slight touch of cabin fever. Should be using the time to do my nails, sort out wardropes, excess of toys or even some college work etc but just can't motivate myself.

Loobie, hope you are doing ok, you're in my thoughts.