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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

1000 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 02/12/2009 23:56

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Come in here and chat about erection-texts, lechy lecturers and getting the painters in.

OP posts:
MavisGrind · 02/01/2010 19:52

Hello all!

Loobie - so sorry to hear your terrible news, I hope you're all taking time to look after yourself.

Here's to a fresh start for this new decade. The christmas decs are back in the loft, and it's onwards and upwards.

Happy New Year all.

startingovernow · 02/01/2010 21:03

Evening Dumplings, Loobie, glad to hear you're coping & still holding onto positivity for the year ahead.

Well, I have great news........finally took the plunge today & we have a new addition to the family, a cocker spaniel! Just got her a few hrs ago so we're still getting used to her & visa versa.

My aim this year will be to move on from all the sadness & crap of last year.

feelingpositivemum · 02/01/2010 21:30

Wahaay, I have a ten week old cocker spaniel lying on my lap atm! He's given me focus over the Christmas period, I've had no time to obsess over exH as too busy clearing up wee!

maybees · 03/01/2010 00:56

Terrier on my couch,kids3&4 sleeping ,don't know where husband is .Flipped out after his 40th birthday 2 mths ago various secrets emerged.15yrs of trust gone .I'm angry then weepy then strong as a warrior .Love you all proud to be a dumpling if you'll have me x

autumnlight · 03/01/2010 12:29

Finally (probably) on road to divorce after ten, unhappy years with a husband who didn't love me and who has constantly dumped/threatened divorce throughout that time. Really hope 2010 will be a better one and that it will (when this nightmare is over) be better to be on my own with dc than in a marriage like I have had. {smile)

Mumfun · 03/01/2010 16:29

Welcome all new dumplings! Yes also I feel this will be a much better year.

Sorry about your sad loss Loobie - do look after yourself. And Starting - your last 3 months were shocking - hope you do take some time to do some more grieving as frineds who know this stuff say its important.

Has some nice news myself as round Xmas a first cousin had a lovely baby in Canada and theyre all thrilled with him. The mum is heavily tatooed which made for some different baby photos!

Xmas was ok with estranged H but lacking in the same joy. Kids had good time tho. Went for couple of days for New Year to a friends so good to get away and get a bit looked after too.

Have booked weekend across the water for my birthday so looking forward to that. Need to think about getting job when DD goes to school in September. Def need to do my plan for the year. Looking forward to hearing other Dumpling plans for the year too. Keeping warm and snug today and facing the world again tomorrow

startingovernow · 03/01/2010 20:21

Evening Dumplings & a big welcome to our new arrivals.

Maybees, I'm in a similiar situation, don't know where exh is, what he's up to & more secrets have emerged than any recent political scandal!

Autumnlight, good for you being brave enough to make a new start for yourself. When you've left a really crap marriage or been betrayed etc, then things can only get better.

Mumfun, glad xmas went ok with ex. If you're venturing south for your trip across the water & you've the time we could organise a meet up. Will be going to see a counsellor next week to help with grief (have been pretty much seeing him continuously for past year to help with all the crap with exh anyway). Not feeling great at the moment so I'm just counting down till dc's bedtime! House is like a tip & I'm begining to question sanity over adding a dog to the equation!

I have to start sorting out all db's affairs tomorrow & I feel drained at the thought!

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 03/01/2010 21:05

Hi Dumplings and a special hi to the newbies.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow StartingOver - a horrid job to have to do, just got to get through it I guess and get it behind you somehow.

I think the dog will be fine, just needs a bit of breaking in I expect. We're loving our kitten!

maybees · 03/01/2010 21:35

SON dog will love lots of walkies and you'll see loads of new places in the country bet he will love water have you got a pair of hunter wellies?
Just wondering why it took so long for me to figure out handsome prince was infact a toxic womble.I reckon he just kept lying etc to see how much he could actually get away with.
I've lived on mostly cigarettes and irn bru for last 8wks but moved onto sugar puffs this week.

startingovernow · 03/01/2010 23:20

Hi Ifyourhappy, thanks for that. It's I'm the problem, the poor dog has been v well behaved & settled in great. I've just got a bad dose of the poor me's all afternoon & evening. I love having the dc's off but their routine is gone to shite, ds is still awake & I have broken my golden rule & roared like a fishwife , it was that or tears!

I've tackled the house but abandoned floors for now, I'm too tired. As I was cleaning out bath, I actually found myself thinking is this it for me, a life of drudgery , seriously need to get my mojo back! Will have to locate my copy of The Secret & start some pretty serious visualisation therapy .

Maybees, took me a long time to figure it out too so don't beat yourself up about it. I think they can be a mixture of both which is why it takes us so long to figure things out. I've done the cig diet too!! All I can say is try to be as kind as you can to yourself & treat yourself to nice things, even if it's only a bath etc. Making yourself sick with misery won't change things, so you may as well make being miserable as nice as possible until it passes.

startingovernow · 03/01/2010 23:26

P.S. Maybees, I am a self confessed boot addict & possess every conceivable type & have just realised I do not possess a pair of hunter wellies, so they are next on my list .

startingovernow · 03/01/2010 23:34

P.P.S. have just missed two calls from MD & cannot work up the enthuasiam to talk to him! Somebody please give me a slap, I've been thinking about this since my NY new start. I know we've had a good laugh about the mammy tattoo etc.. but seriously this is my life!!!!!! I'm meant to be going out with him tomorrow night & I really don't think I can face it. He was grand for a bit of escapism but really do I want to be doing this??? Should I not start as I mean to go on? I keep thinking it's not fair to do this to him, I've told him I'm not sure where things are going etc.. but he's showing all the signs of someone in LOVE. Help!

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 03/01/2010 23:43

StartingOver, strikes me you've got an awful lot on your plate at the moment - need some space for yourself I think right now and to do whatever makes you happiest I think.

maybees · 03/01/2010 23:46

dont worry about me mate think ive had a lucky escape to be honest -just could never make the break- i think thats what happens when you get pushed around a bit, you loose a bit of yourself and they mess with your head ,I started to accept that it was alright to be treated badly(still in total and utter shock about my single parent situation)-serious about the wellies though invest in a good pair and have some great times x

startingovernow · 03/01/2010 23:49

Thanks Happy, I think I just needed a bit of physical release , hense the whole MD thing, but we are definately not compatible relationship wise despite him being v nice & sweet. Will have to formulate a plan to disengage from MD without hurting his feelings too bad!

maybees · 03/01/2010 23:59

I agree with happy ,take care xxx

startingovernow · 04/01/2010 00:03

Thanks Maybees x post. I know it can be shite ending up a single parent but I think it's better then staying in a shite relationship! Certainly better for dc's.

startingovernow · 04/01/2010 00:05

Maybees, know exactly what you mean about the abnormal becoming normal!! And all to keep the family intact!!

maybees · 04/01/2010 00:34

Startin' Thats what is letting me handle this at the moment and not lose the plot i think.There is a certain bit of me that is kind of regrowing or something and i know that i can never go back to muppetgirl i was .But they are very clever and knew i fancied him like mad and basically managed to keep it going for 15yrs.Keep reminding myself self esteem more important than man in my bed,esp for kids but i know i will still be weak if he walks thru the door so will keep in touch so as to not lose my new found empowerment -ps right into daniel merriweather RED song at the moment, very good for pain ,anger, stress ,cry dance round the living room xxx

BEAUTlFUL · 04/01/2010 10:06

Sorry for being AWOL, really fell into a funk over Christmas but am back now! Really.

Loobie, I'm so very sorry about your Mum. What an enormous loss. I know my Mum found the following quote comforting when she lost her sister:

"Death Is Nothing At All

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval,somewhere very near, just round the corner.

All is well."

Let me know if I can do anything. (((((Loobie)))))

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 04/01/2010 10:08

I hope that quote is comforting, and not really awful. If someone told me that "All is well" after I'd just lost their Mum, I don't know if i'd feel beter or just want to kick them in the face. Oh, poor you. And to lose her now!

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 04/01/2010 10:18

startingovernow, I know exactly what you mean about the "well, this is it for me now, a life of drudgery" comment. I've had that exact same thought 6 billion times.

That's loneliness, isn't it? Without a partner, life does seem to be an unbreaking cycle of drudgery/shouting/responsibility/cleaning/what's for bloody dinner/where are your pants? (The DC, not you, although...)/Stop doing that/When is it bedtime?/No/Because I said so/etc

We look back all rosily and the old life does seem to be a rose-tinted parade of cosy DVDs and takeaways on the sofa, dancing in the kitchen, sex, walking in to parties together, laughing, sharing the load. But it can't have been like that, or this wouldn't have happened.

Anyway - I'm trying to do FlyLady just to get the housework done as quickly as possible, and to avoid it mounting up because that really stresses me out.

Don't know what you should do about MD. I worry that I might not ever appreciate a "nice" man, and that my low self-esteem means I find keen men unattractive. I hope that's not the case for you?

Just see him in a very light-hearted way, have lovely sex, and if he pushes for more, tell him you're not ready. Be honest but firm. He doesn't have to be "the One", does he? Let's face it, men spend YEARS with women they're not in love with, could you not do it for a few weeks, just to break up the loneliness? Don't get sucked into a 25-year marriage - just be honest but keep him in your life for a while.

That might be awful advice - am soooooooooooooo tired am practically in a coma.

OP posts:
startingovernow · 04/01/2010 22:10

Hi Beauty, great to see you back & thanks for the advice. I'm also nearly in a coma from exhaustion & I think that's my main problem at the moment. The dc's are still running around hyper & I'm trying to work up the enthuasism to get them to bed.

Being honest I think I've overcome the loneliness thank god. My loneliness was more to do with missing exh & finding it hard to accept reality, but I'm quiet happy on my own now.

My despair of the drudgery is more to do with having to leave my cleaner go a few weeks ago & the constant mess at the moment due to xmas toys & dog trailing in dirt on her paws!

I won't make a decision on MD for now but I doubt I'll be holding onto him. I should have stayed with previous puppy but I got so traumatised from my aunts death I ended it immediately because I felt I needed to be on my own to deal with it properly. They are both lovely, sweet, trustworthy types but I don't have feelings beyond friendship for either.

2010 will be my year to meet a real man though!

loobie63 · 05/01/2010 15:47

Hi Dumplings

Well it's been a roller coaster few days but I think I'm coping.Beautiful thankyou so much for that quote it did help me.I think i am a bit run down picked up a chest infection which I'm just about shaking off and spent most of the morning snuggled up on the sofa with my kitten watching Gavin and Stacey gave me a few giggles anyway.

Startingover I agree with Beauty on MD don't rush into anything you have had a heck of a ride lately and rampant sex with MD every now and again may be a godsend.CLGS has been lovely to me over my mum I was a bit worried he's run for the hills at the first sign of troubles but actually he was a great support so that's good. Funeral is Friday 15th which seems an age away.

On a brighter note I am today completing on my solo remortgage on the house I shared with twunt ex yipee!!

Waves to all the other lovey dumplings hope you are all doing okay

startingovernow · 05/01/2010 23:22

Hi Loobie, glad to hear you're holding up in such a difficult time. God the funeral does seem a very long time away, we generally have them done in two days here. I'm the same as you, my immune system has taken a hammering, I'm constantly knackered & picking up colds etc..

It was dd's birthday today (3), had a lovely party. However, felt the rage surge when sdd brought a present from exh, the card read "I miss you so much but I'm being kept away from you". What a fucking twunt. Only positive thing is I channeled the rage into getting the house clean! I'm still feeling really angry though

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