In the spirit of Christmas telly specials and because someone weeks ago suggested a list of Dumpling terms ( also to prevent me hitting the booze just yet, it's only a matter of time ) , here's a Dumpling glossary.
Beauty - the founder of the Dumpling Cult, recently AWOL believed boots gazing/novel writing/Match man ravishing , delete as appropriate. In the future will retire to LA after Dumpling-based novel proves a global success, convert to a macrobiotic, yoga obsessed lifestyle supplemented by specially flown in vats of Dairylea.
CL - cunny loving. The Holy Grail of Dumplings the world over. Ideally you want a man who approaches this less like you've asked him to lick a brussel sprout lolly and more like he's just been offered an afternoon watching Sky Sports, drinking lager and having assorted nuts brought to him by Angelina Jolie.
CLGS - a man who is a CL expert and also able and willing to do stuff round the house - Cunny Loving Gate Shaver. Note, Loobie has snaffled the only one in existence.
Comfort Food - can take many forms. Basically any foodstuff which the Government would include in an advert detailing Things You Shouldn't Eat - examples include Dairylea, trifle and Bombay Mix. Designed to be shovelled unthinkingly into a Dumpling gob in an orgy of self comfort.
Dumpling - an enormously attractive, stylish, witty, sexually confident woman who was just too good for the piss-poor, wankfart who dumped her.
Dumper - piss-poor wankfart. Examples of this type include Bald Eagle, Bollock Face and plenty of others too crappy to deserve a comedy nickname.
Ingenious- a word used by Mavis in connection to David Tennant's possible sexual ability which is still distracting me.
Lecturers - to be avoided. These men spend all day navel-gazing. As the cast of Grange hill advised , Just Say No.
MD - Mumbodumbo. Practitoner of CL , talent scouted by Starting while he painted her house ( not a euphemism ). So called due to his tattoo of mammy ( turned out to be unexpectedly easily ignored ) and prominent ears, which may or may not be useful for steering during CL.
Plenty of Fish, dating website full of PPTs, see below.
PPT/PET - Phantom Penis Texter/Erection Texter. A man, usually from PoF, who believes the way to a woman's heart is not a small turqouise box from Tiffany containg diamonds but a photo message of his tumescent member. A bizarre combination of hypnotic and sleazy. ( not to be confused with a KET - a Known PT which can be really quite welcome ).
Santa - man with a sack bulging full of CLGS for all Dumplings to find at the bottom of their beds tomorrow morning.
WOTD - wanking oneself to death, a real possibility.
Wishing all of us wonderful Christmases full of light, laughter and chocolate and a New Year that is a massive improvement on 2009.