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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long will it take for the 'no contact rule' to work with OM?

133 replies

Popzie · 02/12/2009 20:18

OM and me have decided on the 'no contact' rule in order to get our heads around what the fuck we are actually playing at. It's been a week. Can't stop thinking of him.

If you're single you can make changes and move on, but how do you move on from a relationship/affair when you are fimly embedded into family life?

I need strategies. Am jogging, getting pissed and throwing self into work. What else can I do to get over what is essentially an upsetting breakup? I need a quick fix.

OP posts:
needsomeinspirationplease · 02/12/2009 20:25

sorry popzie - no great tips here but am in similar position and so will watch with interest to see what people say...it is bloody hard to do the right thing when everything is screaming at you that the very thing you are trying not to do IS the right thing

aaargh

sympathy and good luck

chocolatespiders · 02/12/2009 20:26

play uplifting music and dance

i also find writing things down to get them out of my head

Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 20:32

Cheers. Music is really really helping, although it's pushing obvious when I chuck out indie rock in favour of Elton John's love songs. DH will start smelling a rat if I carry on mooching around the house, staring out of windows and wallowing in self pity like a teenager for much longer. That's why I need a bloody quick fix.

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 02/12/2009 20:35

What/who is OM?

morningpaper · 02/12/2009 20:38

NO ELTON JOHN

Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 20:38

He is just that - the other man. We were/are close friends that have fallen over the wrong side of 'innocent'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 20:40

I know, can you believe that is my state of mind at the mo. I haven't listened to EJ since my last bout of heartache about 13 years ago.

OP posts:
duke748 · 02/12/2009 20:45

INstead of moping about concentrating your feelings on OM, use this 'head space' for your DH.

Think of ways you can re-connect with DH. Think of 'dates' you can go on. Think of what to buy him for Christmas. Plan a holiday you can go on together.... You get the idea....

Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 20:49

Good thinking. I haven't a clue what to get him for Christmas so that could be a good start. I AM really trying to focus on DH and family life, which is why I need to move on quick as I've been so distracted lately. Am beginning to realise what a twat I've been although desire for OM is still very very strong.

Trouble is you think you're getting over it and then you find yourself weakening again. Sent OM text message yesterday and I HATE myself for it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 20:50

needsomeinspirationplease; can you enlighten me to your situ? It'd be nice not to feel quite so alone.

OP posts:
tiredoftherain · 02/12/2009 20:51

Get away somewhere if possible. Total change of scenery with your DH. Avoid anywhere remotely connected to OM. You're doing really well, keep going!

FabIsVeryHappy · 02/12/2009 20:54

Delete numbers.

Keep busy.

Focus on your husband.

Keep busy.

Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 20:54

We've just been away though and it was worse than ever. Not sure why, but being out of my comfort zone (home) made me feel unsettled and therefore more anxious.

Tis 'ard putting on a show that all is 'normal' wherever I am. Grrr. Can't believe I'm in this situation.

OP posts:
TellMeAboutIt · 02/12/2009 20:58

Does anyone know about your feelings for OM? It is hard to do this on your own, although I'm not suggesting you go out and tell all your mates!

Can you confide in anyone?

FabIsVeryHappy · 02/12/2009 20:59

WHo have you been away with?

choosyfloosy · 02/12/2009 21:01

Does your OM have a partner of his own? (Don't remember other threads, sorry). If so, allow yourself to think about him if you want to, but ONLY with his partner.

The no contact rule should really last until you don't want to contact him any more, IMO.

Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 21:03

Nobody knows about us. It's so top secret it's unbelievable as it's a close friend of my DH's. I know, I know - unbelievably cruel.

I'd love to speak about it with someone, but I just can't trust anyone enough. Once it's out its out, plus anyone I know would probably not want to know IYSWIM. We have to take it to the grave due to the catastrophic effect it'd have on just about everyone we know.

Hence I turn to MN out of desperation.

Fab; I went away with DH and DCs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 21:04

OM is single.

OP posts:
abedelia · 02/12/2009 21:05

Change your email, smash your SIM - basically get rid of any way of contacting him or him contacting you. It will make it easier not to drunk dial / text. Every time you think of him , do something nice for H instead as 'penance'.

Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 21:08

Thing is I have to see him. Don't want to go into too much detail, but there are a number of occassions coming up where we'll be together. It's not so easy to put a distance between us.

OP posts:
FabIsVeryHappy · 02/12/2009 21:18

If you want to save your marriage you will find a way. You are already lying to your husband so a lie about a double booked appointment or not feeling well enough to go out should be easy.

I had an emotional affair with an ex and I was hurting myself by carrying on having contact as I wasn't prepared to leave my husband as I still loved him. The relief when we stopped talking was amazing. I will always wish we could have been friends, and there will always be something between us, but we are both married and want to stay that way.

Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 21:24

I have to see him in the future - it's inconceivable to think I can avoid him for long. It's not a case of swerving one or two events - there are many, many occassions when we'll see each other

I'll be alright after a while, it's just I need to nip it in the bud now. I can't be ARSED with feeling like this, but it's like an obsession. My fecking brain can't blot him out and of course I'm limited to what I can do to take my mind off him. It's not as though I can go out every night or work late or go on holiday as I've got to be at home doing the mundane things that you do when you're a mum. I used to LIKE my life, now it's fucked up and tarnished and I can't see it seeming the same now.

OP posts:
veryconfusedandupset · 02/12/2009 21:34

I've recently been through something very similar, and I think the answer is about 3 months. I paid for two counselling sessions which were nothing really but the opportunity to talk to someone about it and get it out of my system. I keep a sort of blog on my computer recording my progress an d musing about it which helps too - all in one place aand I can see I'm recovering from that.

Some weeks it hurt more than I could imagine, and there is a pattern of feeling better and then having a relapse. I find that each time something happens for the first time that reminds me of being with him I'm crying again, but after that it is OK. I've had incidences of weeping in Waitrose, at the garden centre, the arts centre cafe ..all really stupid.

Unfortunately I couldn't cut off contact from my OM as we have work connections, but as we are both of the mind it is over after a bit of initial awkwardness everything is now fine. OM told me today he is having tests and is a bit worried about having 3 quite unpleasant linked medical conditions. I felt very sorry for him but all the spark is gone now. Stick at it - you will recover.

Original poster
Popzie · 02/12/2009 21:44

Hi VCAU; you've helped me with my other posts about this situation. Thanks for the message; it's good to hear you've got a handle on things.

I just can't imagine being normal again. I want to go back to the innocence that I had before this happened. Now I've crossed the line I'm having to deal with all sorts of complicated desires and conflicting emotions that are really taking over my life.

I had three months in my mind too. But things will definately be aggravated by the fact I'll see him.

OP posts:
needsomeinspirationplease · 02/12/2009 21:56

popzie - my situ is a bit different in that I am separating (under same roof but separated for 3 months now and probably going to split properly in NY if H will deign to talk practicalities long enough with me) from my H at present. OM is married. We've been friends for years, he was very supportive throughout the latest bout of crap with H, said some stuff about his own marriage in bid to be supportive, blah blah blah, predictable happened and now we are totally in lust (which feels a bit like love as we've both felt v strongly about each other for years but never mentioned it). he has two DCs that he in no way wants to leave and he doesn't want to be " a jerk" to his wife. Thing is we've both been in relationships for past 14 or so years that just don't meet our needs physically AT ALL, and now we've discovered a shared physical inclination together that just shouts RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT. Not helped by the fact that we've been friends for so long and really like each other. But of course it's not right. I know from what I feel with OM that my relnship with H is over and has been for some time, but am under no illusions re OM situation and so we need to stop things before they go too far (haven't actually slept together). Bloody hard though. I have work contact with him too (arrgh) which makes it even harder. We are trying to "be good" wrt communicating now but it is hard and I can see us needing the full No Contact rule soon if we are to nip this in the bud properly. Bloody hard when you are crazy about someone.

much, MUCH sympathy