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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long will it take for the 'no contact rule' to work with OM?

133 replies

Popzie · 02/12/2009 20:18

OM and me have decided on the 'no contact' rule in order to get our heads around what the fuck we are actually playing at. It's been a week. Can't stop thinking of him.

If you're single you can make changes and move on, but how do you move on from a relationship/affair when you are fimly embedded into family life?

I need strategies. Am jogging, getting pissed and throwing self into work. What else can I do to get over what is essentially an upsetting breakup? I need a quick fix.

OP posts:
Popzie · 11/12/2009 16:02

There is one thing that is certain and I am not telling ever nope, no way, not EVER.

It has to depend on what your marriage is like and the people involved and I can tell you that a confession on my part would be as cruel and selfish action as the event itself.

We are all still individuals at the end of the day - married or not. Some married people are closer than others. I am not especially intimate with my DH so I will find it relatively easy not to get into a 'confess all' situation - even when drunk.

We muddle through life and experiences are sent for a reason - that doesn't mean I'm swerving responsibility about the affair - I take it on fully, but I will cope with it and sort it out on my own, without dragging DH into a deeper, unknown side of me that I'd rather he didn't know about.

I will have no trouble moving on from this once I have got my head around it. At the moment I don't really feel guilt - it feels as if I'm going through something that I have to go through on my own. Once I have sorted out my head and distanced myself from it with time I will look at things objectively and seek the real meaning. At the moment I'm stil pining a little, exhausted from the drama of it all and gearing up to when I have to see OM again in a few day's time. I just want to keep a rational brain, keep motivated in day to day things, focus on the family and get back to 'normal' as quickly as possible.

By the way Butterballs - your bit about the children being paramount is one of the most astute things said here.

And is there really an 'illicit encounter' section?

OP posts:
Popzie · 11/12/2009 16:04

"If you have children, their security and happiness, in my opinion, should be the most important thing - that might mean overlooking an infidelity - not the end of the world, in my opinion."
Butterballs 2009

Just in case anyone missed it.

OP posts:
Malificence · 11/12/2009 16:11

There's a world of difference between choosing to overlook an infidelity and not being given a choice about it in the first place, but still, you will think whatever makes you feel better about what you did, I hope it doesn't come back and bite you on the bum any time soon.
Butterball's or my opinions count for nothing in reality, the one person whose opinion really matters is being kept out of the loop and that is your husband - why do you have the right to make that decision for the both of you?

Popzie · 11/12/2009 16:18

What if he would have chosen not to know in the first place - like I would?

OP posts:
butterballs · 11/12/2009 16:35

You could argue that running off with someone just because you fancy them or have feelings for them, ditching in the long-term relationship, throwing the whole family into emotional, financial and other turmoil is quite selfish.

Or, another way of putting it, the "in love" model of serial monogamy where, every time you want to have sex with a new person you ditch or divorce the old person and start all over again, maybe to repeat the process futher down the line, is extremely distructive to family life and children.

I know of several men who have done this - there are two or three ex wives or partners, god knows how many half and step children. It's all incredibly messy and complicated and they are no happier than before - and considerably less well off. Some of the children are emotionally damaged by messy break-ups and there is lots of bitterness.

Yet, the monogamy die hards would argue that this is being "honest" and "authentic". Nevertheless, it is still breaking marriage vows, over and over again, if that is the issue.

The old style marriage model where people stuck together but, sometimes, had relationships outside the primary one, was and is, in my opinion, better for bringing up children IF the couple fundamentally get on.

It's not an especially radical view, I can't understand why everyone gets so agitated about it.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 11/12/2009 16:45

Butterballs, I agree with what you say about people ditching their marriages for relationships that are ill-fated. It is hugely destructive.

I disagree with your views on the "old-fashioned model" though. Isn't a better model to stay happily faithful and not have outside relationships?

HappyWoman · 11/12/2009 18:39

I agree both with butterballs and with whenwill.

The ideal would be for both people to stay married and have open honest relationships and stay faithful.

However for so many reasons this is not the case - there is not a one case fits all and it would be foolish to think so.

I do also think too many people see sex as 'too' important and also 'honesty'.

Whenwill - total honesty is not for everyone - i do agree that i try and be honest but it is something that develops over time too. For some people it is less important.

You could also argue that trust is important - but we have both had our trust shattered. I have however altered what i see as trust.

You could argue that your total honesty is in fact replacing your total trust.

I really wish i could go back to the more trusting marriage i had - but i know that will never happen again in any relationship - i have replaced that with a more open and honest relationship. However i do still think we have the right to be ourselves and that does to some extent mean a degree of secrecy (thats not the right word - but something that makes us who we are which does not belong to anyone else).

Anyway i am rambling now. I just wanted to say that there is no ideal model of marriage and really as long as their is happiness and respect it is not important to all follow the same rules.

butterballs · 11/12/2009 18:53

The ideal model is obviously to stay happily faithful and not have outside relationships.

No-one in their right mind would argue with that. However, given the number of divorces, separations, affairs, unhappiness in and outside marriage, I think it is fairly safe to say that many people are not in the ideal model.

There are two other models which are quite common:

  1. Serial monogamy - repeated divorce/separation. This repeatedly breaks marriage vows. This is "honest" but can be very destructive for families and children and can leave the non-wage earner and children in a vulnerable position.
  1. Staying in long term relationship keeping family intact with some kind of relationship (physical/emotional/romanti/close friend etc) on the side. This has the disadvantage of, generally, being dishonest and again breaks marriage vows, but the advantage of keeping the family unit intact with more emotional and financial security for children.

No-one in their right mind would argue that, in an ideal world, we would all get married and live happily ever after in a monogamous relationship but sadly, we do not live in an ideal world.

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