How long will it take for the 'no contact rule' to work with OM?

[Popzie]

OM and me have decided on the 'no contact' rule in order to get our heads around what the fuck we are actually playing at. It's been a week. Can't stop thinking of him.

If you're single you can make changes and move on, but how do you move on from a relationship/affair when you are fimly embedded into family life?

I need strategies. Am jogging, getting pissed and throwing self into work. What else can I do to get over what is essentially an upsetting breakup? I need a quick fix.

veryconfused, I don't think being concerned about your reputation is purely a nineteenth century phenomenon. I hope the concept of integrity hasn't been consigned to history!

And believe me (as I am going through it this week) visiting solicitors and filling in those forms due to the mess created by H and OW is the shittiest thing I've had to do in a while. Forgive me if my sense of humour failed there for a while.

And popzie, I really wasn't judging you. As I posted much earlier, I think you are doing the right thing and respect that. I don't think for a second you should tell your DH, that would achieve nothing. Just get through the next few weeks and hopefully it will all blow over.

Feelso; I am totally with you on your thread. You've summed up what I'm going through exactly.

It IS indulgent to get into an affair - I can totally understand why people feel the need to tear strips off me. Despite what it may seem like on the surface I am in very deep water and am very close to loosing my self respect and gaining a massive guilt complex over this.

'Good' I hear. I expect it's nice to know that I am feeling suitably shit.

However, this was supposed to be a positive thread about moving on from the saga rather than a 'let's step back and analyse how out of order you're being' type thread. I mean, how can I be accused of being callous and flippant when I'm obviously feeling SO bad that I'm willing to try anything to move on from it?

And Anyfucker; you'll be glad to know that your post:

"popzie, unfortunately you are now discovering there is a price to pay for your dabblings

you have lost your peace of mind

oh dear"

has been with me every day and night since you wrote it.

Popzie...I feel for you. Really. It must be hard when it's obvious that you are feeling remorse and regret about the affair. I can't believe that anyone begins an affair full of hope and joy...

I just wanted to say hang in there and keep your resolve about having no contact. It's the only way.

I've recently been 'tempted' by someone from my past. It has totally thrown me. Thankfully he lives a long way away and so there's no chance of a physical relationship. But an emotional one is highly possible. It's taking all of my effort not to engage with OM.

If you'd talked to me 2 months ago, you'd have given me the wife of the year award.

So being tempted has made me totally question myself. But I'm working through it.

Thinking of you.

popzie, I view the fact that my comment to you has been in your head ever since as a good thing

do you ?

Thanks headintheclouds.

It is amazing that a number of women on here have said the same thing: they think they were unbreakable and then a situation occurs and suddenly you are in it deeply.

Anyfucker: You're bound to feel happy that your comment has stayed with me as it's a credit to you! I'm not sure if I think I need berating anymore tbh. I don't need to feel much lower.

I didn't berate you

I don't have any baggage on this thread, nor an axe to grind

But it is precisely the situation you now find yourself in that stops me from doing similar to what you did

You should feel low. You have done a low thing. But we are all capable of it, some of us have been close to it. I dunno what makes someone cross that line, you must have had your reasons.

You can make amends though.

I have been harsh to you and I'm sorry for that. Tbh, it was the flippancy in your OP that did it for me.

I wish you well, honestly.

Will go back and read thread but thought I would comment before I focus on other people's comments.

My story ... if you search for JacquiKD you will find my life story - changed my username as it was too obvious - now Bumblelion. My first post, I think, was "Should I stay or should I go" and I was 8 months pregnant at the time.

Was married for a long time (been together since we were both 16, got married at 24) had 2 children, nice life but no excitement. Had affair, got found out, was forgiven. Had another baby (wrong but she saved me!) and then husband decided he could not forgive me when baby was 11 weeks old. Took him 9 months to move out which was sheer hell because in that time I came to realise that my husband was the one I wanted but by then it was too late - this was 8 years ago.

He is now happily settled. My ex husband (not divorced yet, been 8 years, but going for divorce now - we both need to move on) is happy, living a nice life with his new lady (I feel envious because he is a good man and I have lost the one person that meant the world to me, but just couldn't see it at the time). He said to me that when he eventually left (my life is like a Jackie Collins story, you would not believe half of it ...) he thought I would end up with the other man - the other man still works with me and is still married but he played away and never got found out.

I did go out with the other man when the husband first left and he (other man) said to me "turn left and take me home or turn right and take me somewhere else". I turned left and took him home (well dropped him off round the corner).

It was never going to be a long term life long love affair - it was just fun while it happened. My ex always said he thought I would end up with the other man but that was not going to happen.

I do believe in what comes around, goes around ...

... They say "be careful what you wish for" ... and that is so true.

I am now in a worse place than I have ever been.

Now going back to read your story and hopefully can give some constructive advice.

I remember your story bumble

I am sorry to see you are so sad

This is the reality of affairs

Very rarely are there happy endings for anyone involved, apart from in Bumble's case her ex is now happy

But I am sure his happiness was very well fought-for and he endured a lot of excrutiating times before he got there

karma, innit

I really think you need to go talk to someone. If only to get it out in the open, hear yourself speak your words. Have someone ask you why you think it happened, what you were needing, what was missing? What wasn't going right for you? And then you answer the questions. Then you can move on.

Whilst it's still a secret, it's power is incredibly strong - precisely because it is a secret, and you think you're in control of it but you aren't and probably a little in love with the drama and the agony. I don't mean that unkindly btw. Love that dares not speak its name, is stronger and more passionate because it dares not. Hence the attraction of illicit love affairs - they're v. exciting, v. dynamic etc. Only they aren't really, they just feel that way.

When you've said it out loud a bit, heard other people respond - without judgment I hope - then the strong feelings won't dominate you so much. A counsellor at Relate or similar.

That's what I think anyway. Also to work out what you want re your marriage etc - which is important. Enough escape!

Tell yourself that he is a twat because I can assure you in 12 months time that is what you will be thinking anyway.

There must be problems in your relationship with your dh to have got to this situation so concentrate on mending them.

Oh and I don't think AF was berating you. I think the reason it stayed with you was because her comment pricked at the bubble of secrecy and the stories you've told yourself. Even the one about stopping contact, the 'we can't carry on like this, though it's killing me' line.

let the scales fall from your eyes. Take a good, proper, realistic look at what you needed and wanted and got from this secret relationship and what is missing in your RL one. Then work out what you need and want to do.

Thanks for that anyfucker. I know where you are coming from believe me and you are being the voice of reason.

It is confusing though because on one hand I know I should feel low, but I don't want to be broken. What good would that do? I've got kids - yes I know I should've thought about that, but what is done is done and I need to be together and happy and positive for them. Putting myself through the agonies of what a bad person I am is just not going to help me get on with being their mum. I don't want to feel low and I don't want to loose my self respect, because what good would it do THEM?

I know that I'm going to get it in the neck for that point as my actions hardly have mum of the year all over them, but it won't do any good NOW to carry on the agony if I can avoid it.

Thedollshouse: I love your comment and I think that will truely be the case. It would be so much easier if I could just look at him as being a twat and I'm sure I will as I don't actually think he holds a candle to my DH.

Ahundredtimes: I don't feel like you are being harsh. I can tell that the whole drama of it inflates the whole wretched situation - but again it's even more reason to underplay this. That's what I was doing at the start of this thread. Trying not to look at it too deeply like 'forbidden love'. I just wanted to belittle it and get over it so I have a chance of moving on and being back mentally and emotionally with my DC's again.

< awaits bumble's response >

I think she is actually in the best position to be constructive, Popzie

I think you make a good point. It will not help your dc to put the sackcloth+ashes on now, I said that waaaay upthread

Family-wrecking behaviour will always get a strong reaction on MN, naturally

But there is some empathy and understanding too

But that's just defending it, really, isn't it? I'm not asking you to examine the 'forbidden love' but why you wanted to escape from your RL life. That isn't something you should belittle - not for yourself, or your dc.

Anyway, you're not managing to sweep it under the carpet - and that's probably a good thing, because whatever is behind the doing of it will come back and bite you on the arse at some point.

I think you need to be more honest with yourself, and braver. I don't think going to talk honestly with someone objective will actually mean you fall apart.

I think you will do yourself a worse service by pretending and belittling and ignoring. It's a similar sort of cowardice really.

yup, head in sand

elephant in room

straw that broke camel's back and all that cliched guff

but cliches exist for a reason, they are 99% (or summat) based in fact

behaving like an ostrich is only prolonging the fallout, tbh

or saving it for another day

By saying it won't do any good to examine it, or to tell yourself you are a bad person - who will that help? etc is a kind of defensive refusal to take responsibility for what's gone on. Tra lah lah, I've said it's bad, that's enough, I don't need to observe my behaviours or reach conclusions because

The point is you're not happy, and you did something you know to be reckless and stupid and you put everything on the line.

why?

You owe it to yourself (most importantly) and your dc and everyone involved to try and find some help in answering that question.

OOoh we x posted with our heads in sand AF

perhaps if you don't find out why you lay yourself open to the massive risk that you will do it again

and also (and this isn't a moral position I have AT ALL - people muck up) you've tried to create something with your dh, and then you're behaving destructively with his best friend.

The fact you're so frightened that the End Result of any kind of analysis is that you're a bad person, reduced to zero - suggests to me that perhaps you have low self esteem and that means you haven't had the strength to observe or lay down your own boundaries. How does that sound?

oh look, it's very hard, and it's very hard to look at oneself - especially the dark and messy stuff.

But honestly, so well worth doing in the long run.

But that isn't the end result - I promise. Of course you're not a bad person. Give yourself a chance though.

popzie, are you getting this double act between me and hundred

Yeah, I'm liking the double act. Some very pertinent things being said. So, by not facing up to the situation I am missing the catalyst of the problems behind this behaviour. I can see that.

I DO want to speak to someone about it but I just can't face going to councelling. I don't know why, I just can't.

Some soul searching much needed - and some clarity.

I have everything at the moment and I am very frightened that I will end up in Bumbles position. If anyone found out about it my life would be totally, totally ruined to the point where I'd have to move away from everything I have. OM I'm pretty sure would probably not be able to cut the mustard and would be as much as a chocolate teapot, so couldn't even rely on him.

The concequences are totally catastrophic.

you need to know why you went there, seriously

OK. Well done - seriously. To you and hundred. Your double act has worked a bit of magic. For the first time I can see that I need to change focus. And that I'm wrong to try and gloss over something that is soooo serious. I'm just frightened to take a good look I guess.

What a long way you have come since your flippant OP

< realises I sound a bit patronizing >

You know it makes sense

You owe it to yourself too, tbh, not just your family to look deeper as to why you felt the need to potentially bomb the fuck outta your life

And on a more chilling note, that bomb is still sitting there, quietly smoking, just waiting for an opportunity to blow your family to smithereens

Surely gaining insight will help to safeguard all your futures, together ? If that is what you want ?

Maybe you don't want that, but it would be best to find out for sure, rather than just burying it all to come flying out at a later date.