How long will it take for the 'no contact rule' to work with OM?

[Popzie]

OM and me have decided on the 'no contact' rule in order to get our heads around what the fuck we are actually playing at. It's been a week. Can't stop thinking of him.

If you're single you can make changes and move on, but how do you move on from a relationship/affair when you are fimly embedded into family life?

I need strategies. Am jogging, getting pissed and throwing self into work. What else can I do to get over what is essentially an upsetting breakup? I need a quick fix.

Oh for god's sake - stop that stupid melodrama/emotional crap/teetering on the brink of a whole load of (probably codswallop).

You know what - we will all be dead in a few decades time - so , who gives a shit what anyone does?

The melodramatic/ridiculous "I dare you to do it" stuff - what a load of crap.

Get a life all you people who are scared of what might happen if you take a leap into - something scary!!

Go on - dare you !!! Bet your husbands are already doing it anyway.

bb, you really are rather arrogant in your assumptions

I see you on all these infidelity threads, with your contempt of us emotional retards who get all in a lather about people who cheat and humiliate their partners

you are entitled to your opinion of course, but does it have to be given so condescendingly ?

bb, infidelity in your own relationship may not smash it to pieces (bully for you...rah rah rah...)

but for most couples it does

so a bit of melodrama is just what is required, IMO

I don't think we were melodramatic at all, anyway.

She might be happier out of her marriage, she might be happier in it. Who knows. It's not really a thread about being faithful, or daring to step out of a condition of fidelity or marriage. Not for me, anyway.

I think bb is a hysteric.

And Popzie - yes, I think it is frightening, but also I hope a sort of relief too in the end? Not sure why - secrets can be heavy to carry about. Relate are good, and not too 'tell me about yourself' more simple and easy, and someone to listen and offload on a bit. Also they might ask you good, helpful questions.

How cool - I am a hyseric - that sounds so exciting....
I like the sound of it - and do you know, amazingly, my other half likes me too - yes - how scary is that?!

Anyway, just a few words coming from a "hysteric" ( I like it....!)

enjoy your life - whever it takes you - you will not be aroud for ever - enjoy wherever you are now.....

lets hope if our husbands are "doing it anyway", they aren't doing it with butterball

up the sisterhood !!

She didn't start this thread because she was enjoying her life though bb, did she?

I think a hysteric is a good thing to be too

It's not like actions don't have consequences - and not in some moral way re marriage, but actually on you.

I'm pleased your life is one long irresponsible, carefree pleasure though, because that sounds fun.

a hedonistic hysteric ??

coooool

where do I sign up?

fuck the consequences, I might be under a bus tomorrow

lol

I know! We're converted. Carpe diem

There's a kind of truth in saying - enjoy life. But I'm just not sure it's hugely helpful as advice somehow.

Anyway, I don't want Popzie to feel bad because people muck up all the time, and that's okay and normal, but still think it's worth working out why.

know thyself and all that - and why not! You only live once! We're all going to be dead in the end!

am gonna shut up now, because to go on with more irreverant comments risks upsetting the OP

and she is already upset (hopefully )

I don't want her to be upset though - it's not helpful, blame and guilt not helpful either.

Honesty is helpful.

I meant upset in that this thread has shaken her out of her complacency that she could just put it in a box and forget about it

as in "upset the applecart"

actually, butterball's DH looks a bit tasty, let's both do him, she won't mind, she's cooool about it

ok, time for me to put MN to bed for tonight

Hi Popzie
Great advice from AF and hundred as usual. I am in the same hole as you, trying to put a bad decision behind me. I have agonised about this but concluded I am not a bad person per se, just make some stupid moves.

Since ending MA I tried throwing myself into work and an online diploma, decluttering and decorating the house, getting so busy my brain hurt, but just got totally exhausted as well as sad.

Then I started going to counselling to look at why I had the urge to do something so stupid with MM after 23 years of faithful marriage. I worked out something fundamental had gone from the relationship between me and DH. I somehow stopped loving him and he mainly annoys me I also learned I have a tendency to shut off emotions and compartmentalise "like a man".

One of the hardest things I have ever done has been to tell DH something is wrong between us and we need help. He has gone ballistic through distress and fear of losing me.
Now I am waiting for the first Relate appointment this week and scared stiff.
DH doesnt know about the affair although he has a pretty good idea something went on. I am not going to tell him just to get it off my conscience as have seen how much devastation it causes to betrayed spouses. My punishment will be to live with this secret if we make it through the current low in our relationship.

I am still unsure whether I want to stay with DH, but MM is not leaving his family for me so there will be no rosy future with him if I devastate my H and kids.

Good luck, and keep busy, but not so busy you don't have time for mature reflection on what you are missing that led to this situation, or you will be back in that hole again without a doubt.

NS, good luck to you and hope you sort it out and gain some peace of mind

Hey NS, good to hear from you again and well done for being brave trying to sort this stuff out. I agree with AF and 100 completely, that ignoring the cause of an affair (or any destructive behaviour for that matter) doesn't deal with it. Of course you're not a bad person - you were just doing a bad thing for a while. Going for counselling on your own was a really good idea, and it certainly seems to have helped you.

It's understandable that your H went ballistic - he's terrified. And if he suspects there is more to it than you're letting on, he's likely to be in agony - along with a fair bit of putting his head in the sand too, no doubt. But you were absolutely right to tell him there were problems, NS.

I hope the counselling helps you either to part well or realise you can both reinvigorate your marriage. I do understand what you say about not wanting to hurt him with an admission of betrayal, but the value of the counselling might be diminished by the fact that one of you is hiding something so significant.

The power balance in a relationship significantly affects its dynamic - at the moment, you are holding all the cards. By your own admission, your H suspects something has gone on and that is a horrible place for him to be. But small steps perhaps..... I hope the counsellor will sense all this and get you both to a place where an admission is possible.

As for Butterballs' peculiar eruption and uncharacteristic rudeness to other posters - I took it that something or someone has hit a nerve in recent days. Certainly, the reference to her OH liking her seemed most bizarre and protesting.

Popzie - I really hesitate before launching in again on this particular theme especially as the arguments have been gone through time and time again but - for what its worth -
here is about something i found very useful in understanding what had happened to me. The problem with confession is that it works for some people ( who then get very evangelical) about it but it will not be the answer for most of us, I fear.

I think you have had some horrid comments on here - and lots from people who say horrid things to begin with and then become all friendly and "there, there" if you move to their way of thinking. If you have strength of character you will be over this in 3 - 6 months. It will hurt like fuck when you see OM but I know that from experience that if you have to see him and can behave with dignity and composure, you might end up in tears the first couple of times afterwards but you will be able to cope after a while. But what you must not do at all is to let on that you still have any feelings for him at all.

When I had to go to a conference in London with X and two others on my committee I ensured I looked georgeous, ensured the conversation revolved around the 3 of us who were female ( schools choice for children much the same age, clothes shopping etc.) and took actions at the conference that benefited our organisation while X smoked outside in the breaks. As X and I were the last two on the train I just had some conversation about some of the nice things I have done with my family since we split, to give the impression I was happy and better off without him - whcih seems to have worked.

Now I don't think about him much at all, in fact when I do I generally remember something not very nice about him ( like refusing to sponsor me £5 for a walk and not paying the £2 he did put himself down for!)

The message I started out to give you is to get your frivolous side back, you can cope a lot better if you have a smile on your face and your make up on. Save the introspective stuff for counselling sessions if you have them and just give give give to your family and DH and you will see the returns.

I hope you are able to work it out as well NS.

As for BB; I really don't agree with the notion that you should enjoy yourself at all cost, even if it means shitting on everyone else while you're doing it.

I had a long think last night about what could have brought me here to this point and I did end up answering some questions. I took a deep breath and admitted to myself that I'm quite narcistic, while at the time I must have had a shaky self esteem. I also have built up some resentment over the years in my marriage due to some my DH's behaviour It's been better of late now, but I know there is still bitterness deep down (and no, it wasn't an affair!).

By focusing on the bigger picture I am definately able to pull away from the angst of the break-up and can see that the affair was essentially due to a mixture of emotions and feelings - quite a few of them sex related I have to admit, but also that I have a genuine and deep affection for the OM. I also need to think what it is I value in my life if I'm ready to be so destructive.

There are many, many reasons and I know I need to focus on finding out who I am again, be honest with myself and stop pretending to be someone I'm not.

Hi VCAU; I love that article. It sums up where I am at now. I do feel as if I've been broken down a bit in this thread, but I must also say that AF an hundred have really helped me by showing me I have to look at the bigger picture. What they are saying is essentially the same as the article. Everything hinges on getting to the root of the problem.

One thing I am sure of though is that I will get through this without making myself sick with guilt. It may make some people recoil who think the guilt is all part of the package, but I can blot that bit out because to be honest the most important thing is that I get on the right track - either way - and sort things quickly. I am a practical person, which is the reason I'm finding all the frustration of the separation so infuriating.

This thread has helped me immensly, there is some great direction there.

I find the guilt thing really difficult because I really don't feel at all guilty. When I think of X's wife with her super clean house, super clean car and efforts to do everything onthe domestic front I feel very sorry for her having to put up with him when he seems to give so little, but that is her problem, not mine.

I can try to tell myself what I did was wrong, but I only get as far as feeling it was an error ( but maybe that is my buddhist philosophy) But the bottom line is that things are a lot better at home now, and I think that much as it would have been better not to get involved with X it has given me the courage to be more assertive with DH and to make what was my real point - that it I'm not just default position to come home to and have around when he hs spent all his energy on work, gym and his latest fad hobby, and that I'm more than a support resource for him and the DCs.

I had a real go at him about some of his failings, and he fully accepted them, I might not have had the courage to do that before. Great quote on another thread " the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole" I said I was sick of working to be attractive, spending money on clothes he never noticed, never getting flowers texts or emails etc. etc. and he did try harder and now seems to be pleased that this makes me happy. I've also specified a few minimum sexual requirements which didn't go down to well, but again after a few weeks he is actually delivering rather more than I expected.

I don't think any of this would have happened without my involvement with X - it could have happened but I just would not have been so assertive and would probably have decided that it wouldn't work. When I knew that I was sufficiently attractive and entertaining for X to want me then i coudl accept that DH ought to be making an effort if he wanted to keep me. My m;ain complaint really was that I felt as if I could move out and it would be 3 months befoe anyone noticed I'd gone!

I probably sound like a bit of a harridan with DH but it had to be said - If the changes hadn't worked I'd probably have left anyway. It wasn't an exit affair but the possibility of my ability to find another mate was always something that put me of considering leaving as an option.

Ooops, way off tangent again, but don't beat yourself up, keep smiling. What looms large today is insignificant in a few months time.
And I think Mumsnet thinks about Narcissim far too much!!! it is like reading about illnesses in a medical encyclopaedia - you always think you have dengue fever or whatever!

Since I last posted, and then signed off, I will now comment a bit further.

If I knew now what I knew then, I would never, ever have cheated ... because I paid the ultimate price (not only for myself but also for my children) although they are now 8 years older.

Whenever I meet people who do not know me, I always seem to tell them my life story because I feel they need to judge me (or I feel I need to be judged) before they find out otherwise. I like to think I am a nice person, but how can I be nice when I did what I did to the one person that meant the world to me (although I couldn't see it at the time).

I would never, ever cheat on anyone again ... and can't quite believe that I actually cheated on my husband - my one true soul mate.

I don't think I will every be happy in my life again but this is the life that I have bought on myself and I need to pay the price and I will keep on paying. I do need to move on and have closure and that is why I am finally getting divorced.

I always use the phrase - be careful what you wish for. Me, my mum and my brother (and 6 children - 3 mine, 3 his) went to Gran Canaria for half term. The children are all roughly the same ages and we had a lovely time. My eldest (now 17) said that she wished she had more time to spend at the airport before we flew (it was all a bit of a rush - as is my life). Explain a little - my eldest hates sunshine, hot weather, tanned people, etc. and was not impressed that we were going on holiday during half term (well, we flew out the Monday of half term week) because it meant she missed one day of college. When I went to Turkey in the summer holidays with my mum and two youngest, she stayed at home with her dad but came to Gran Canaria because her cousin (19) was going and they have a good time together. When we were due to fly home, got to the airport and our flight was cancelled. Was taken to another hotel for the night and didn't fly home until Tuesday (another day missed off college).

I said to my daughter be careful what you wish for because it might come true - she wished to have more time at the airport and we ended up spending 7 hours there a day later waiting for a flight home. Was picked up at 12 from the hotel, taken to the airport to catch our flight home only to find out that there was no cabin crew available and we didn't fly until 7 pm that night after spending 7 hours in the airport.

To top it all off,we were all given 14 euros to spend at the airport on food (given by the airline) but not many shops to spend the money in and they didn't give any change. Went to the cash point to get out some more money to buy drinks, etc., airport had power cut at that exact moment when my card was in the machine, power went down and machine swallowed my card.

... as I say, I couldn't make it up if I tried.

VCAU, I have bashed you such a lot in the past < holds hands up >

You make some good points here.

I won't bash you again (not that you care anyway )

Popzie, I think you have said before that you will never tell all, but the link below might provide a balance to the view that VCAU expresses - and is particularly relevant to the couples counselling that Nearly Silver is about to undertake:

www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200508/the-mend-the-affair

Some of us are never going to agree on the issue of honesty, but the above article (and to be fair, the comments from real people at the foot of VCAU's article) seems more balanced about situations when it would be helpful to tell - and when it would not.

An article I also found helpful was this one:

www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Every time I read this article, I gain new insights (and it was updated recently anyway). Having read a lot of threads recently about people considering "marital arrangements" to prop up the passionless marriage, the paragraphs about these seem particularly pertinent.

I think the messages about being realistic and not seeing yourself as the chief protagonist in some Greek tragedy are spot on and so in that sense, I can see that your more pragmatic approach Popzie is going to achieve more. However, I'm glad that you gained from the perennial wisdom of the marvellous AF and 100 and can see that ignoring the underlying problems is unwise.

VCAU, I don't read you as a harridan - what I read is actually contempt for your H and the OM's wife. I wonder what you are doing to address your H's dissatisfaction with you?

AnyFucker is right. You have to work out what caused you to to this as it will come back if you don't resolve it.

I had an emotional affair and it kept coming back to get me as I hadn't fully dealt with things from 20 years ago.

So much better talking to DH and working things through.