How long will it take for the 'no contact rule' to work with OM?

[Popzie]

OM and me have decided on the 'no contact' rule in order to get our heads around what the fuck we are actually playing at. It's been a week. Can't stop thinking of him.

If you're single you can make changes and move on, but how do you move on from a relationship/affair when you are fimly embedded into family life?

I need strategies. Am jogging, getting pissed and throwing self into work. What else can I do to get over what is essentially an upsetting breakup? I need a quick fix.

You could always try becoming a decent human being and be honest with your husband - doesn't he deserve the truth?

It's his life you are fucking with, for god's sake get over yourself and stop drowning in self pity.

popzie, unfortunately you are now discovering there is a price to pay for your dabblings

you have lost your peace of mind

oh dear

Just imagine your friends, family and DH finding out about it. Imagine the shock, the shame you'll feel and the lasting damage it would do to your reputation. Imagine the distress it would cause your DH, the agony of seeing solicitors, splitting your possessions, filing for divorce and possibly never being able to be civil with your DH again. Plus of course the effect on your dc's.

I don't say this to be judgey, I think you are doing absolutely the right thing and don't doubt how hard it is. I just think you need a metaphorical bucket of cold water pouring over you, and to visualise this turning from a fantasy into a cold, hard reality. It wouldn't be nearly as good as you imagine.

popzie, although I wouldn't expect you to wander around in sackcloth and ashes, shouting "unclean, unclean", there is a slightly flippant tone to your posts on this thread I find repellent

close friend of your DH , you have posted before haven't you ? Was it under this name ?

tiredoftherain..."the agony of seeing solicitors...the lasting damage it would do to your reputation..." this isn't the ninteenth century you know. AFFAMP some of us do try to retain a sense of purpose and a sense of humour in difficut times.

I'm with TOTR and Any Fucker - actually my reputation is pretty important to me, but my self-respect is even more precious. And it irritates the hell out of me when posters are jovial and blase about something that could smash a family apart. Not just this thread today either - we've had posters likening affair deceit to telling white lies about weight gain and others commending the use of sex sites as the married talent on there is so good. I'd love to know how these posters would feel if their Hs did the same to them....

Popzie, I'm glad you're trying to do the right thing, but like AF says, you never sound traumatised or guilty about what you've been doing, the trauma is all about you and how bereft you feel. I hope you stick to your guns though and that you will try to make up for all this with your H. Tbh, unless your H has no intuition whatsoever, if you really don't want him to tumble this, I would make bloody sure I was never in the same place with the two men. This could all come crashing down sooner than you think and I wonder whether the thought of having the two men in the same room is somehow giving you a buzz?

Op the thing is that by playing so close to home you have put yourself in an impossible situation. And in all honesty, you cannot expect to come out of this unscathed.

If you genuinely regret what you have done, then you have to put your feelings for om to one side and start to find a way to get over it. But given he's your dh's friend perhaps the hurt of seeing him is the price you have to pay.

And I agree about the apparent lack of regret.

The thing is, affairs do happen, but it is unreasonable to expect to be able to say sorry and move on with your life as if nothing happened.

I had an emotional affair five years ago. The difference though is that my dh found out. But once I realized the hurt I had caused him I have never regretted anything so much in my life. I would do anything to have turned back the clock but it's too late.

My dh forgave me and we are happy again. But I know that deep down there's an element of the trust he had for me that has gone. I know that he checked my phone for a long time, I also know that he had a mirror image of my email address set up on his computer and I suspect he may still have it although I can't be sure. But I have never done anything since and I never will.

But I've brought it all on myself and I have no-one to blame but me.

You need to get there op. You are putting right what you've done wrong, but that's potentially not enough. You have changed lives for ever and you can never get that back.

FLippancy is good, not bad. Thinking of things like this as some great profound romantic tragedy is not helpful, finding it ridiculous is much more so. A very good way of dealing with a crush on someone you can't have (for whatever reason) is to create a mental picture of that person in a ludicrously undignified situation: sat on the loo picking his nose with skiddy pants round his ankles, for instance. As to when it's 'safe' to be in touch or see the person socially, it's when the idea of snogging him/her makes you kind of snigger in embarrasment.

oh for goodness sake, none of you know whether popzie feels the requisite amount of guilt / trauma.For all you know she is wearing a hair shirt and self flagelating with thorny branches.

well done Popzie for taking the hard road and doing the right thing.

You can absolutely come out of this unscathed, with noone ever finding out.

Why do the doom mongers insist your life is going to explode because you acted on your feelings for a man other than your husband?

Yes you can totally start an affair, end it, never get found out.
And DO NOT confess all to your husband.
Good luck

In answer to your original question, get a new haircut

After about 6 weeks of no contact I could actually think straight again, the first couple of weeks were really hard.
I still think about him everyday though, but I can get on with things without getting upset now.
Because I am trying desperately to get out of my marriage now (my H just will not have it that I want to leave), I needed the no contact so I was sure I was basing my decision on what I need to make me happy and not because of what happened with him.
I've seen him once since and the feelings are still there on both sides, but I can walk away from him now without aching for him.
I no longer feel I'm on a rollercoaster (well I am, but well and truly stuck at the bottom of it now!)

PS for all those that say to confess all...I am absolutely 100% sure that if I did, knowing how agressive and threatening my H has been to me since I told him I wanted to leave, that ending up in hospital would be the best outcome I could hope for if he knew.

You only have one life - don't spend it being miserable, it is not worth it and no-one will thank you for it believe me. Perhaps you can walk around with a halo of self-righteousness, but after a bit even that gets really irritating.

What you do in your relationships is entirely up to you - the feelings you have/the guilt/not guilt/ every single thing - it is all up to the individual person. It is nobody else's business what consenting adults do in private.

A marriage is an institution - like all institutions it has its pros and cons. Pros - life long partner for monogamous sex is one of them (theoretically at any rate) cons - lifelong partner for monogamoous sex.

Guess we all have to make our beds and lie in them. Having had a few of my own crushes I can't really be bothered with them any more and the melodrama attached to it all just makes me irritated now. What is even more annoying is that way that everyone else gets off on the drama - either in positive or negative ways - either because their lives are so boring that they want to stick a wooden spoon in, or because they want to go to the grave on a white charger defending the insitutuion of monogamy and marriage.

Tiresome - I suggest everyone gets on with their lives and doesn't stick their nose into other people's business.

I am sympathetic - but don't get carried away by the melodrama. in 50 years time, if not 2 years time, it will all be history and no-one will give a rat's arse about it.

Roxi09 please call Women's Aid and get your abusive husband removed from the house. It can be done, the police and domestic violence workers will believe you that he is a danger to you and you DO NOT have to stay with him just because he doesn't want to lose his punchbag. He does not have a 'right' to a relationship with you if you no longer want to be his wife. You are not his property.
ANd well done for being aware that the OM isn't necessarily the answer: though it is often the case that people in abusive relationships only find the strength to leave when a flirtation of some kind begins (this is one of the really good things about affairs: they help people get away from tosspot partners rather than feeling so ground down they can't escape).

Thank god for the sane among you. I totally agree that falling on my sword, fessing up in order to make the situation better is complete idealism.

We are all flawed - sorry we are. Anyone can be in this situation and I'd have probably had the same self flogging views as some of you before this all blew up.

Actually both myself and the OM are good people. You may not think so, but we are. We overstepped the line, we know we can't go around lying and cheating as it's just not in us, so we are trying to move on. Making light of it is making it out to be 'one of those things'. That way I'm more likely to be able to put it behind me and learn from it by keeping a perspective on things.

I actually am going through what Tiredoftherain has posted: I obviously feel pretty fucking bad if I'm prepared to do whatever I can in order to get over things.

And how would I feel if it were DH? I make a habit of never asking him if he's been unfaithful to me. I do actually trust him and know he loves me, but I think the 'ask no questions' rule is the best way to be. If he overstepped the mark like I have then I hope he'd have the decency to sort his head out, make a deciion and deal with it discreetly. The last thing I'd want is a bombshell dropped and the responsibility of 'what next' landing in my lap.

I confessed to an emotional affair with my first love to my DH and he has forgiven me and we have moved on and are as we always used to be. I do know how lucky I am though as I don't think many men would do the same.

I'm in a similar situation. Thought I was, as my name suggests, almost over it. We work together and he started flirting with me again last week and now I'm back to square one with the nonsense in my head. After 11 months ! Sounds like it's not possible in your case, but I really think absolutely no contact is the only answer.

"Anyone can be in this suituation" - Oh Please!

Actually no, people don't just "accidentally" fall into bed with someone else, it's a deliberate act of betrayal.

Some of us take our marriage vows seriously and would never allow ourselves to breach the trust our partners have in us, it's about self respect and moral strength.

Shame on you, these people who can cheat and lie and tell themselves that "not telling" is the best way to go - do you have so little respect for your husbands, "what they don't know won't hurt them"?

I really don't know how people can live with themselves when they actively live that lie every single day.
If the majority of people think that such betrayal and deceit is ok, then it sickens me .

You are of course right. It's no way to carry on and the world would be a much better place without people 'like me' in it.

The reality is we are not all the same. Thank god you may say, but please believe me when I say six months ago I was like you and thought my moral fibre could not be broken down - no way - not ever.

Then a certain man at a certain time said certain things and then the ball was rolling. All the wrong ingredients you could say. If it were anyone else, any other time, any other situation then it wouldn't have happened.

I made a mistake, so I want to distance myself from it with as little damage done as possible. Hence this post. I'm not even asking for sympathy I just want to move on and I need strategies so that I can focus on my DCs again and take pleasure in the day to day upkeep of daily life.

Malificence: it's a good job you found a man with as big a monogamy fetish as yours or you would have made your own and other people's lives hell. Most people are not this monogamous, and have a variety of ways of dealing with whether or not to form or remain in monogamous relationships: the 'don't ask/don't tell approach works just fine for some couples, swinging works for others, remaining single with a variety of sexual partners for others... But it is true that the vast majority of people who think that monogamy is the best option or who are moderately monogamous, have difficulties at some point because, basically, having a relationship with one person doesn't necessarily stop you seeing what's good and desirable in others. And if you are one of those who married or moved in or had children with a person who seemed to be the least awful available option (ie better than being single) and has found out that the person isn't much of a catch or is indeed a horrible human being, then often the arrival of a new prospective partner is a necessary catalyst to put a stop to a rubbish relationship.

I think if you are in a faithful relationship and cheat on your partner, then you have to do the decent thing and tell them. It's not fair to lie and deceive someone.

We can all fancy other people whether we are single, married, engaged, whatever, it makes no difference. You don't just stop looking when you have a partner. The difference is acting. I sort of think if you shag your DHs mate behind his back, then you deserve to feel guilty and I am glad that you do.

Your DHs mate can't be that much of a mate that's for sure! Who needs friends like that?

You know if your DH finds out about this, he will feel exceptionally deceived by two people very close to him and no wonder.

My advice in future - dump before you hump, then you won't find yourself in situations like this.

I think that the suggestion earlier in the thread of paying for a couple of counselling sessions is the best idea.

It would mean you could talk to someone in a completely confidential situation and you could work out ways to put this in the past.

The fact that it is a big secret heightens the emotions. Talking to a counsellor could be the outlet you need.

If the relationship is over then I see no reason to tell. If my husband had had a fling and finished it and then decided to tell me I would find that completely self indulgent. I'm not his priest, I shouldn't be called on to give him absolution/ salve his conscience etc. Some people are emotionally incontinent and can't keep anything to themselves.
There is a time for keeping quiet and just working for the future.

i know exactly how you are feeling, one day (like today) i feel soooo strong, and tell myself i am better off without him then by tonight i will be pining for him again. i try to look at dh and see all the good stuff but om is in my head morning noon and night. and music, omg, it all makes me think lol

it is so easy for people to slag others off. i was just like them a year ago. these things DO happen and that i am affraid is life. we have to live with this guilt and believe me it is not easy.