Can you be honest with me...

[Forthebest]

hello,
Thought I would ask an honest bunch a question as my friends are too biased.
Been with DH for over 15 years. Have 2 DC.
We aren't getting on at all. It really feels like we have broken down. There is no real communication and the rows are harsh and hurtful.

He was made redundant 5 years ago and time has just stayed still for him while I work fulltime for all of us.
He does some token housework, and cooks the evening meal ( to keep me from nagging - his words ) but I pay for everything, and deal with the girls 100% including taking them to school etc.

I think he is depressed. He makes NO effort to go to the GP though, even though I have asked and asked. he would rather sit on the p.c all day and night.

I am so resentful of our rubbish life, and have been for a good year that I feel like I have withdrawn totally. I dont, hug him or kiss him and I tend to " give in " to sex to avoid an argument. I know he must feel that.

He is now angry at me all the time as there is no affection ( sex !). he says I am cold and he has now also withdrawn. he keeps anti social hours, he will stay up till 3am then sleep in while me and the DC are at work/school.

Today was DC2 5th birthday. He stayed awake all night as he said he couldnt sleep. This was because of me and how angry he is with me. It meant that I opened all the presents, and cards with her while he SLEPT on the sofa in the same room and ignored her !!!!!!

We keep talking things over and over, and all we ever discuss is hoiw cold I am and how there is no affection. If I mention the reasons why he just brushes them aside.

Am I in the wrong ? I know its not nice to live with someone who is not very affectionate, but neither is it nice to live with someone who refuses to work, keeps antisocial hours and pays absolutely NO atention to their children except to tell them off !!

I really feel like its time to end this. We go round and round. I will be miserable without him but I know I could cope and this is hell !!he says all he wants is me but I want a family unit !! I want a future and Im not going to have it while I have to support him and keep him for the rest of his life ??

Any thoughts please ??

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'm still shivering over the phone call that said "we" broke the marriage... it's so like my XH, particularly the bit where he tried to hint there must be other men in the pipeline - presumably in hopes the OP will try to prove there aren't by (guess what). XH too suffers from many years of untreated depression and a refusal to get help, but I must say even at his worst he was more useful than the OP's arse H. Otherwise I wouldn't have stuck it for so many years. However, once I finally opened my eyes and saw the manipulation clearly, it stopped working. I'm still sorry for him (off and on), but I simply couldn't live with him and now I don't it's wonderful.

Most annoying thing is that eventually I was the one who ended up on ADs. Gave him a lot to make digs about, that did. "I'll get full custody of the children and you'll have to pay maintenance because you're mentally unstable" etc. B'stard. Happily, he was wrong in that as in so many other things.

[GrendelsMum]

Well, I have to say that I've been on ADs in the past, and I was still capable of working, cooking meals, cleaning the house, etc. Looking after kids, not so good, but any kind of practical chore was no problem. So while I agree that this man does seeme to have some genuine problems, his underlying character does also appear to be lazy, grasping and needy.

[VicarInaTinselTuTu]

if this were a soap id now be shouting at the telly.

i know its hard FTB, and im sure you are feeling remorseful and sorry for your DH,and wondering what happened to the man you once knew and loved, but he sounds like a manipulative, lazy, insensitive, uncooperative, foolish,whining,ignorant,selfish,uncaring, good for nothing useless lump.

if he has depression, addiction problems, then thats not your responsibility. are you going to carry on being his mother? because thats all you are, his carer and provider. and you get what?? in return?
you have 2 daughters. what is this situation doing for them? what is it teaching them?

i implore you, dont fall for his emotional blackmail. id agree with him, that yes, everything is broken, too broken to fix.Why is it a "trust issue" because you dont want sex with this loser? he has had countless opportunities by the sounds of it to "fix" things. hes slept through them.
he is taking the piss.

pull yourself up by the bootstraps girl.get rid. HE needs to take responsibility for himself and he won't do that while your doing everything for him.
please. remember why you wrote the first post.

[jasper]

I've been severely depressed but I've never been a deadbeat loser/parasite.

You are young . Get out now.DOn't throw god years after bad .
Good luck, x

[cakewench]

OP- please, please, please don't let him turn this around on you. His saying "oh it's only a matter of time before you start looking for someone else" is classic manipulation. It puts you on the defensive, forcing you to explain away something he probably already knows wouldn't happen (hell, when would you have the TIME?!)

Strip away the job issue for the sake of argument.. in his current state, he's useless to the family. He's not making any effort to be a decent homemaker. It's not surprising, as has been observed, he's depressed. He needs to see a GP for a referral and DO something about that. period. He's not willing to do it, so it's going in circles.

PLEASE don't make him turn this into him being this way because you aren't "affectionate." This is so much deeper than that. And it's dragging you and your family down. A separation needs to happen, at the very least, so he can sort himself out a bit.

Do you have friends you can talk to? The one who baked the cake, maybe? It seems as if others have noticed this situation. You will need some RL support if you are going to make this decision.

[purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe]

FTB

Sometimes its easy to hang all your dreams on one person....ie if we separate, my dreams of being a happy family will never come true, so I should hang on to him just in case
Thing isyou can't make him be something he is not. YOUR happiness is important too, and as others have said - you can support him emotionally, but you don't have to sacrifice the rest of your life to him and the marriage.

[LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta]

You still don't sounds as though you have told him exactly how you feel.

I think queen misunderstood what I was trying to say, its not about giving him chance after chance, its about saying this is how it is, this is what will happen if things don't change, this is how long you've got, I want it to chance but I will leave you if this isn't resovled.

He needs to know that it is as serious as he is afraid of. When he kept asking you what you thought what was your response? He needs it spelling out for him.

Its time to stop pussy footing around and cause its not working you need to be honest with him.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

FTB any progress?

[Forthebest]

Hello all,
Thought I would update you after your kind words and support.
Had the most terrible ( for many reasons weekend ) and I really feel all over the place.

On friday my dad ended up in hospital with a suspected heart attack. Long story short he is ok but mum is obviously shocked.

Soooo I didnt get a chance to speak to H about anything really. Friday night was awful. He was sulking a little and basically he ended up in tears telling me that he feels his life isnt worth living and that he cries himself to sleep most nights ?? WTF !! All this did was annoy me really. I just want to give hima kick up the arse and tell him to sort it out ! If I say go to the GP then he just says " yeah and what are they going to do !!" Its a neverending circle, and now thanks to you guys mainly I really am starting to see that all this self pity and misery is his own doing !

Saturday was weird. I had arranged to take DC to the cinema as a birthday treat with my mum but obviously she was busy with dad so H came with me !!!!!!!!!!!! That has never happened beofre ! He also cooked dinner when we got home and was clearly trying to please.
Yesterday more of the same, he cooked sunday lunch, played with the girls and actually talked at the dinner table ! Usually he just sits there in silence and leaves when he has eaten.
He then asked me what I wanted for xmas ??? Its all a bit strange. He knows I am at the end of the road and I think personally he is doing everything he can to avoid having to get a job.
The final straw came last night when I went to bed. He came to bed the same time as me and it was as clear as day that he was looking for some sort of " reward " for helping out. He tried to come on to me but I just cringed. I have a stinking cold so I told him I really needed to sleep and he got really offended. Lo and behold out came the emotional blackmail. " I take you will be going to work though " he said, Er yes I have responsibilities and bills to pay " So clearly the message was that I was well enough for work but not for a shag !!

I am so tired of it all. It all seems like too little too late. I know what he is doing and now this crying all the time thing is too weird. He has phoned me at work this morning to " see how I am doing " and the phone call was awful. We have NOTHING to say to each other. He got annoyed that it was mostly silence so I suggested he feel it and he had nthing to say.

This situtation with my dad has thrown a spanner in the works too as I need to him to pick the girls up and help out while I help mum and dad out so I feel stuck.

So thats me. Still in this mess and really not knowing where to turn. Meanwhile we creep ever closer to xmas.

[Forthebest]

Edited to add, I really dont know how to handle this at all. I dont know whether to leave it till after xmas or not. Its so scary and I know after such a long time together I will be doubting myself but this just feels awful. Sunday morning I woke up and was just........sad. I knew I would be spending the day with him and his miserable face. He kept trying to come up behind me and squeeze my boobs or kiss my neck as well and I juts wanted to punch him in the face.

[Forthebest]

OMG I need to add something else !!

H just phoned me. A parcel has arrived. Its a cardigan I ordered for my sister for xmas.

Who is it for ? he asks. My sister I say, its something for xmas.

Oh, well I havent got anything for MY brother " says he in a sulky voice.

NO you havent !!! Thats because YOU havent got any money becuase you REFUSE to sign on or GET A JOB !!!! plus its ME that will pay and buy all of YOUR families presents like I do every year !

Jesus !! Im not sure how much more I can take. I am starting to feel like I am going insane !! HOW does he think this is a normal way to behave !! It IS like having a stroppy teenager a PP was soooo right.

[geisha]

FTB - I'm very late coming to this thread, have just scan-read all your posts. You are brave, you can do this and you need to do this. You will always be able to find a reason not to, even after christmas, even after your dad is better.

Your daughter is learning from you and H about what marriage and relationships are abot and this is not a healthy example.

I always think a happy mummy makes for happy children and it sounds to me like you'll be happier without H. It will be challenging to start with, but it sounds like you've got lovely friends and children and of course you have MN. Please do this for yourself and your children.

[Forthebest]

Sorry everyone,
I am aware I am using this to offload.

I juts phoned H to see what he meant by that statement about xmas presents in the last phonecall and boy did it turn into a row.

He told me that he meant nothing by it and I am reading too much into everything.
he said that he doesnt know what to say to me anymore without offending me and that he just feels lost in this realtionship. He said again that it is broken beyond repair and that he tried all weekend and now feels like we are a lost cause becuase he is aware that I am miserable and shrinking away from him. he said he thought that going to the cinema and cooking etc was making an effort but that it still isnt good enough for me.

I think he wants to go. I think he wants to be told to go. I reckon he would leave tonight if I told him too. He sounded really sad.
This is where I get too, and I hate myself for it becuase I start to panic.

[TheCrackFox]

He expects to get a "reward shag" because he went to the cinema/cooked dinner all this whilst your Dad is lying ill in hospital?

Why does he seem to think the world revolves around him?

Just get rid of him. You have enough to deal with - sick dad, full time job, all the housework and childcare without this arsehole adding to the list.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

tell him to go then

he wants it

you want it

the kids will carry on as before, with you as their sole support as per

he "tried" for a weekend ? What ? All of 48 hours ? What a superhuman effort

why would you panic ? You are effectively a single parent anyway, not having this millstone dragging you down will be easier, surely ?

you know you will continue to go round in circles, do you want to wake up in 5 yrs time and still be stuck like this ?

[AngryFromManchester]

I imagine panic is perfectly normal you know but I do not think anything will change unless you have some kind of trial seperation or something for a while. It might do him good, you never know

[abedelia]

So he'll do a few little bits and pieces (and expects a reward for that) but when asked to actually get off his arse and do things that actually require effort he refuses?

All through this thread I have had the suspicion that he is more lazy than sick and this takes the biscuit. I honestly don't think you'll notice when he's gone.

[NorkilyChallenged]

You've had great advice from very wise people here. I can't add anything except my support for whatever you decide.

I can see this is a big decision. If you feel you can't just say "go" (which to be honest, I do think you probably need to do), why not try another kind of ultimatum.

Have you tried saying to him to go to the GP (since he thinks his "life is ruined because of his health" you'd think he would want to see a medical professional), never mind "but what would they do" just say you want him to go and talk about it all. Take him and sit in the waiting room if necessary.

He needs to know that just cooking a meal and going to the cinema isn't going to demonstrate the willingness to improve things that you need.

I think he totally knows that you are starting to make a final decision and he's pulling out all hte stops to prevent that happening if he can.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Five years of stuff-all, then suddenly he pulls up his socks for a whole weekend (gosh!) and you're supposed to really trust he's turned his life around? Takes a wee bit more than that, on Planet Earth. Like putting a sticking plaster on a compound fracture, then being indignant that you're not capering around like a spring chicken.

Understandable that you are feeling panicky at this potential huge upheaval in your life - even if it is probably for the best. He's playing on that, though, and pushing the buttons; you've seen it now and you can never un-see the truth once it hits you.

Still not betting heavily that he actually will leave once you say the word, though...

Hope your parents are bearing up ok and that your dad is soon fully recovered.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

How far away is his mum's house? Can he go and stay there and also take on a bit of parental responsibilty (picking the kids up etc) so you can be a support to your parents?

If you don't want him touching you, in your bed then he needs to go.

And if you tell him to go, as opposed to him leaving of his own accord - so what? If it's the right decision (and I believe from what you've written it is) then you have no reason to feel guilty for making it.

[abedelia]

I am very suspicious that he can find the energy for sex (and harassment / blackmail for sex) but not the get up and go to sort out his mental health - which would mean getting a job - rather than being kept like a house-pet. You have your dad to worry about now. He is totally unnecessary.

[MadameOvary]

He sounds passive aggressive tbh.
Not that that is an excuse in any way, but it might give you some clarity in how to deal with him.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

PMSL at "house-pet". But abedelia is right. That's what he is... a giant morose house-pet. With a rather unappealing habit that if he were a canine would necessitate a trip to the vet...

[reup]

You said that he told you in a phone call that
"He sounded really sad and said that he had given up everything to be with me and now his life is ruined"

What did he give up?

If he thinks you have ruined his life but supporting him all these years he is not seeing anything straight.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

FTB your posts are getting worse:-

Your dad had a HEART ATTACK and he actually stepped up to do the bare minimum for a couple of days, but then expected you to sleep with him as a reward for good behaviour?!

If you're well enough to work then you're well enough to satisfy this leech sexually?!

If you can't face doing this before Christmas - and I can understand that although you shouldn't feel you can't - then start to plan for, let's say, the 2nd of January. It's after New Year's Eve, not a significant date and will mean you can plan for a new year of freedom.

Make a plan. Start to imagine an evening in bed without worrying about when he's going to come up, what he's going to try when he's there, not having to make excuses not to have sex with someone who repulses you. Surely that's better? Isn't it?