Can you be honest with me...

[Forthebest]

hello,
Thought I would ask an honest bunch a question as my friends are too biased.
Been with DH for over 15 years. Have 2 DC.
We aren't getting on at all. It really feels like we have broken down. There is no real communication and the rows are harsh and hurtful.

He was made redundant 5 years ago and time has just stayed still for him while I work fulltime for all of us.
He does some token housework, and cooks the evening meal ( to keep me from nagging - his words ) but I pay for everything, and deal with the girls 100% including taking them to school etc.

I think he is depressed. He makes NO effort to go to the GP though, even though I have asked and asked. he would rather sit on the p.c all day and night.

I am so resentful of our rubbish life, and have been for a good year that I feel like I have withdrawn totally. I dont, hug him or kiss him and I tend to " give in " to sex to avoid an argument. I know he must feel that.

He is now angry at me all the time as there is no affection ( sex !). he says I am cold and he has now also withdrawn. he keeps anti social hours, he will stay up till 3am then sleep in while me and the DC are at work/school.

Today was DC2 5th birthday. He stayed awake all night as he said he couldnt sleep. This was because of me and how angry he is with me. It meant that I opened all the presents, and cards with her while he SLEPT on the sofa in the same room and ignored her !!!!!!

We keep talking things over and over, and all we ever discuss is hoiw cold I am and how there is no affection. If I mention the reasons why he just brushes them aside.

Am I in the wrong ? I know its not nice to live with someone who is not very affectionate, but neither is it nice to live with someone who refuses to work, keeps antisocial hours and pays absolutely NO atention to their children except to tell them off !!

I really feel like its time to end this. We go round and round. I will be miserable without him but I know I could cope and this is hell !!he says all he wants is me but I want a family unit !! I want a future and Im not going to have it while I have to support him and keep him for the rest of his life ??

Any thoughts please ??

When I first started reading this thread I thought it was just going to be a MN standard about H not helping out enough (something I am quite familiar with myself!), but this is a whole different ball game IMHO.
I truly believe that as things stand you will be better off without your H. The only question is can he change.
If I were you (cos tbh you really haven't got anything to lose at this stage) I would ask him to leave (even if just for a trial period). See whether it spurs him into any action, and see how your life changes (for the better or for the worse) without him in it. I can only presume that your DCs will be better off out of the current situation. But don't blame yourself - you have done what you can (over and above what most would do).
Good luck!

FTB Poor you. This has put a real strain on you.

Why should you shoulder this man through life when he won't even pick up a finger to help himself?

I can't see what you actually get out of the marriage tbh.

I don't think you would hurt the dc's by asking him to leave, any more than you will hurt them by letting him stay. I don't say that lightly either as I believe that everyone should do all they can to keep a family together.

But your family is you and the dc's from what I can understand reading your posts. Work out what is going to be so hard about not having this burden on you and dcs.

I started off trying to find ways to make it work for you as well, but the more I read...

Enough, love. Really. If this man has you crying in the middle of the day in the work loos and is ruining all thoughts of your DC birthday, then just get rid.

You sound amazing and capable and you can and will do better than this parasite.

And, trust me, your daughter's will thank you one day. No childhood should revolve around tip-toeing around an adult who won't be an adult.

What, really, have you got to lose except what you once had - and that's gone already.

If he changes after you split and you get back together, that's brilliant. But he's not going to give an inch until you make a stand.

Give his mum a call so she knows to expect him, pack him a bag and boot him out. Everything will be much brighter with him gone - including your children's christmas. They can always see him for a couple of hours Christmas Day if necessary. Maybe when you take them to see their Grandma. It won't ruin Christmas forever for them, I promise.

I really feel for you, don't put yourself or your DCs through it any more.

Help your daughter enjoy her birthday, have the row later and ask him to leave.

Your christmas will be much happier. See if his mother can give him a kick up the arse.What has she said about the situation? or his other family members?

Please keep us posted.I will be thinking of you later on.

have a lovely time tonight.
i recall so many dcs' birthdays where my exP only served to cause stress - either by his disappearing act or being tehre but being anxious stressed...

and christmases, new years --all recalled as largely stressful and unhappy .

it is so much nicer without him around!

now is a s good a time as any - he has three weeks to leave stay with his parents and get his act together for a pleasant xmas day or not.

meanwhile please make it your new year resolution to take driving lessons and get your own car

When you say your friends are biased (in your first post) what did you mean?

Do they want you to get rid, or do they want you to keep trying?

If it's the first then use their support. If it's the second then it's time to stop protecting them from the full extent of his behaviour. You don't need to keep making excuses for him.

Thank you so much xx

I am going home soon, need to just get osme work done first.

Judging by the clock he should be on his way to pick the dc up. I really hope he is ok with them, I am sure he will be, its me he is angry with.

I have printed this thread off so that I can re- read your advice and good wishes later. Its when I am alone and thinking scary thoughts that I cave in and agree to " try again " make an effort etc. If I can have you guys with me I might make it.
Im not worried about money. I have been supporting us all for years.
I AM scared about ruining xmas but a PP is right, its three weeks away and I can still make it fabulous. I woould have been doing everything/paying for everything anyway.

I am a little scared he will be aggressive though. he will be VERY angry I am throwing him out so close to xmas. He will NOT be happy at the prospect of staying at his mums. Plus he owes people money and cant pay them so is waiting for me to bail him out on that one.

He isnt violent no. He will just use every emotional blackmail trick in the book sadly.

You're not throwing him out, he is threatening to leave and you are agreeing with him.

He is doing this FTB, not you, you have been holding it all together while he smashed it all apart.

He has done this. Not you!

Repeat that over and over and over again until it sinks in.

You have been amazing, you will be amazing. Imagine how fantastic a mother you will be if he is not taking so much of your energy? (Speaking from experience here too)

Good luck

It's his actions that have forced this to come to a head. No one would put up with it forever. It's. His. Own. Doing.

i do know what you mean - i have sat with a therapist saying: "but if i do that he will be angry" and she wisely said - it is HIS anger, HIS problem. so long you ensure you are safe (have someone with you etc) then it is not your problem.

his emotions are his problem.
his anger is his responsibility.

you can use xmas to your advantage - your have three weeks to think about things, make it a nice xmas if you choose to spend some time with us then. etc. you then get to set the rules of when where and how.

if it isnt now it will be "too soon after xmas" - there will always be a reason for him to complain....

you do not want xmas morning with the dcs tiptoeing around and not opening presents because he is sleeping....

he presumably chose to borrow money from people - his problem.

have it out with him

when he threatens to leave, don't panic, just hand him a suitcase

one word for him: cocklodger, although it sounds like he isn't even giving you any decent cock

you already support you all

you and the kids will be better without this drain on your time, finances and emotional headspace

never mind Xmas, think of the New Year when you won't be having the lifeblood sucked out of you by this parasite

ill or not, ignoring and emotionally abusing his kids is a dealbreaker

I would run a mile to be honest.

You deserve better and so do your kids.

My mum was in a marriage like this for 30 years. She is leaving now - and starting over at 53.

You are still young at 35 and crucially your dc are still young enough to be adaptable. As they get older that might change.

My teenage years in a house with a stepfather like your DH were the worst of my life.

Good luck.

Agree, think of him as a big millstone round your neck, and how much better you will feel once he is looking after himself. Ffs he is a grown man and you cannot take responsibility for him forever. He needs a giant wake-up call. The fact that he takes everything out on you, not everyone in general, suggests to me maybe that he is more manipulative and controlling than ill, but I admit I do not have much experience with (other people's) mental illness.

If he doesn't want to live at his mum's he will have to sort himself out. But you and your children have an equal right to live in a peaceful household where you can do your own normal family things without him always coming first, no matter what the cost. Don't worry, keep posting and people will be here to kick you up the bum, offer help and advice or whatever you need (even dating tips!) whenever you want. Trust me, you will feel better once it's done. Can you really put up with a lifetime of this?

I don't want to sound flippant but would your Dcs even notice if he left?

FortheBest, you really have tried your best but the situation has been going on for 5 yrs and will go on until your Dcs are old enough to leave home if you let it. Get rid.

Forthebest, I wouldn't tolerate this behaviour for more than a week in my (hypothetical) teenage son. I certainly would not put up with it for several years from a husband.

I agree that he certainly sounds as though he has some serious issues, partucularly regarding social contact, but they are not going to resolve themselves by allowing him to rot in your home without making any positive contribution to your family life. It will be for his benefit, too - he needs to realise that HE has to do something to make HIS life better.

Please don't feel that you'll be 'ruining' Christmas if you throw him out. In fact, it's probably actually a good thing as it means you and the DCs have something exciting to focus on instead of dwelling on it.

Good luck tonight. I really hope you get to say everything you want to say.

I am sure he is depressed -- the sleep patterns, the irritability, the unemployment. I feel pretty depressed reading about the state of his life. But sadly it is up to him to get help, not you. you cannot drag him to the gp and even more important, you cannot make him engage with the therapy or take the pills. or he could try and self-treat with exercise and some sort of routine at home (a male colleague did this and it worked) But ultimately he has to acknowledge the trouble he is in, a bit like an alcoholic has to, and take responsibility. I think you have to have the mother of all serious chats and ask him what he thinks a reasonable course of action is. he cannot want this to go on indefinitely, surely?? I am in a situation where I am about to negotiate a deadline with dh on treatment for similar, but I have had to accept I cannot do the treatment for him. good luck.

Remember: If he does kick off and start behaving aggressively, you can call the police and have him removed from the house overnight at least.

forthebest I have nothing to add to the excellent advice you have had here but wanted to say good luck for this evening and I hope your dd's birthday is lovely

I doubt he could sign on by the way - if he hasn't worked in the last 2 years he won't be entitled to contribution based JSA and he won't get income based if you are working. If you can't afford to give him spending money then he can't have it. He needs to financially contribute if he's broke.

Wow, you are so brave having tried to make it work all this time

Really though, as everyone has said, he needs to go. Ask yourself what he contributes to your life? Is there anything positive? Is there ENOUGH positive contribution? It doesn't sound like it. Plus he is obviously not contributing to his children's lives, which is in a way even worse.

To be honest, when I read your initial post, I thought that he sounds EXACTLY like my 19 year old brother, except that your DH has kids. You are living with a petulent teenager...even if he wasn't like this initially, he is now, and you deserve better. Your babies deserve a life where they can sream in excitement when opening their birthday presents!

Whatever his medical or mental state, he is not taking responsibility for it. If he was depressed and seeking help then fine, no problem, but he is allowing it to continue.

Your partner has the CHOICE to seek help, to find a job, to support his wife and children, to contribute to a loving, happy, healthy family life. But is making a conscious decision NOT to do those things. This means that, should you be able to persuade him to do otherwise (how sad that you would have to!), he will probably resent you for it.

I say tell him to leave - if he can get his act together without your help (which he SHOULD be perfectly able to do, he is an adult, and if he not functioning well enough to do this then HE needs to seek medical help), then maybe you can give it another go.

But at the moment he is walking all over you honey, and you know it. The more you allow this behaviour, the longer it will continue.

Don't worry about Christmas, by the sound of it the kiddies could do with a day of fun un-impeded by hvaing to stay quiet so daddy can sleep. You could see your family - who by the way I think he is trying to alienate you from.

You can do this!

You poor thing. What a horrible situation to be in. The way to thin k about it is to imagine what would life be really like if he left? If it would be better and that outweighted the bad then it would be for the best.

Maybe its what he needs to get himself sorted.

Have his parents said anything to you, they must have noticed?

If you've asked/told him to do things/sort himself out and then he hasn't and you've not done anything then why shoudl he listen?

When he says he will leave you must be screaming go on then in your head.

Only you can decide when and if, to ask him to leave.

There's no reason why you can't tell him that if he changes. gets help, gets a job etc then you may be able to try again.

good luck

With respect though LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta, it sounds as though the OP has given him quite a few chances, as he has been like this for five years.

The way I see it, any continued tolerance of this will make her an enabler - she is enabling him to carry on being this way. By actually following through on an action (making him leave), she is demonstrating that her words count for something, and that she cannot be walked over.

It doesn't have to mean ending the relationship, but I truly believe he needs a reality check. He needs a kick like that to wake him up...and if he doesn't wake up, then it's his loss.

yes, there comes a point when "bravery" morphs into "idiocy" on the part of the person who continues to tolerate such a useless waste of space in their life...

good luck, sounds as though you are an amazing sin gle parent already - life will be easier if he goes