Can you be honest with me...

[Forthebest]

hello,
Thought I would ask an honest bunch a question as my friends are too biased.
Been with DH for over 15 years. Have 2 DC.
We aren't getting on at all. It really feels like we have broken down. There is no real communication and the rows are harsh and hurtful.

He was made redundant 5 years ago and time has just stayed still for him while I work fulltime for all of us.
He does some token housework, and cooks the evening meal ( to keep me from nagging - his words ) but I pay for everything, and deal with the girls 100% including taking them to school etc.

I think he is depressed. He makes NO effort to go to the GP though, even though I have asked and asked. he would rather sit on the p.c all day and night.

I am so resentful of our rubbish life, and have been for a good year that I feel like I have withdrawn totally. I dont, hug him or kiss him and I tend to " give in " to sex to avoid an argument. I know he must feel that.

He is now angry at me all the time as there is no affection ( sex !). he says I am cold and he has now also withdrawn. he keeps anti social hours, he will stay up till 3am then sleep in while me and the DC are at work/school.

Today was DC2 5th birthday. He stayed awake all night as he said he couldnt sleep. This was because of me and how angry he is with me. It meant that I opened all the presents, and cards with her while he SLEPT on the sofa in the same room and ignored her !!!!!!

We keep talking things over and over, and all we ever discuss is hoiw cold I am and how there is no affection. If I mention the reasons why he just brushes them aside.

Am I in the wrong ? I know its not nice to live with someone who is not very affectionate, but neither is it nice to live with someone who refuses to work, keeps antisocial hours and pays absolutely NO atention to their children except to tell them off !!

I really feel like its time to end this. We go round and round. I will be miserable without him but I know I could cope and this is hell !!he says all he wants is me but I want a family unit !! I want a future and Im not going to have it while I have to support him and keep him for the rest of his life ??

Any thoughts please ??

[giveitago]

If he's tracking your usage it's could be that he knows he's on the way out? My husband is similar to yours and he opens my mail and tries to track my pc usage as I feel he knows he's in trouble.

Was he like this pre redundancy as if not I wonder whether it's a combination of depression and laziness.

I have to say my dh is like your dh. He does work, long and antisocial hours but he chooses to go to bed very very late and hence sleep his way through his dc's childhood. My ds also is very quiet in the mornings as not wake him. Again, opening presents is not done before 11am - any family outings (we're talking once possibly twice a year) have to organised by me and ruined by him. Takes no interest in ds yet wants his love. Has not taken him to the park once this year and possibly about 4 times in dc's entire 3.5 years. He's antisocial with my friends who are backing off but treats his mother as a combination of a chid and godess - he ONLY comes alive if he's with his people - with my family he lasts 5 mins before sulking and going off the bedroom to SLEEP.

And refuses to take repsonsibility for ANYTHING - even to the point if we are going out, he'll run out of the house first as he wants me to have the repsonsibuility of locking up - this drives me nuts. He cocks everything up - he'll park in the wrong place, knowing he has, and get a ticket and then go bonkers. I have to shop for his family. I have to book all his medical dentist appointments and then he misses them - he's spent £kkk on dental/treatment only to fall back into bad habits and get the problem back. Nothing but nothing is done properly - lights and tv left on at night. If playing with ds which is rare - he'll have the tv blaring with his attention mainly on that. If alone with ds (rarely) will get him to sleep with him (even from 3pm-6pm) so then I've got a kid wide awake being entertained by me while he sleeps at 10pm - 12pm then to wake to watch tv again till 3pm.
Yep, and then feels bad that I am remote - I dont have the time to be super nice to someone who contributes nothing other than a wage.He's also verbally very abusive and I think it's because he knows he's so wrong on many levels but cannot be bothered to start being better.

You might find the more you do the less empowered your dh becomes and you have to step up your game to ensure things get done and so he does less and so the cylce continues.

But I do think your dh is suffering from some kind of shut down. I'm now a sahm and I find my life so tiny that I struggle with the smallest amount of stress where as a few months ago I was coping quite happily with much.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL for a partner or a father - if he won't get help then that's not fair as he's making it your issue.

[WingedVictory]

Hi, there. Still here; don't worry, you are not alone on this thread.

As for the last line on your post, feeling sorry for your girls: by all means feel sorry for them, but cut the thought there and do not go on to "What a stupid choice I made for a father for them :0("

How the hell could you know? This whole mess is crazy and unreasonable, and no dount part of the reason you posted here was to get an outside perspective on whether this sort of thing was normal/acceptable. Crazy things can become normalised, after a while. However, you ought not to start beating your breast for having been "weak", "foolish", etc., etc., etc. I realised a long time ago that that is a poisonous attitude which will get in the way of recovery and make other problems worse. For goodness's sake, however many problems you have, don't let shame be one of them.

[Forthebest]

Yes I keep saying that to myself. New year New life.
Sometimes I wonder if I have too idealistic an idea of what single parent life is like. But all I can imagine is a life where I feel relaxed at home, no one is moping about, sleeping in all day, being miserbale, telling me they are ill, I can actually go out with friends !! I can feed, eat, clothe the kids in how I see fit. I can't see a downside, except maybe a bit of loneliness but I feel lonely anyway. And who knows, maybe one day I might meet somebody else ? Im only 35 and not too hideous.

January 2nd is his birthday ironically. I have a feeling he might leave of his own accord in the new year anyway. I am sooo dreadful and cold to live with after all !
My poor girls. What a stupid choice I made for a father for them :0(

[cestlavielife]

but that is the point - he CAN be nice (and maybe he looks like brad pitt???) but he certainly chooses not to be nice...he chooses to be irresponsible and needy and attention seeking.....

he is making a choice in this - a choice to be miserable and sleep on sofa and leave you to do all the work.

you cannot change his choices - only he can do that - but you can make choices to make your life (and the girls' lives) better.

yes: lock the door - and remove all keys so he cant get out at all.... and ignore all texts/phone calls...

you cannot change him - but you can change things for yourself. have him leave or move yourself. new year, new life...

[Lemonylemon]

All in good time, all in good time. I think you've done the right thing in not doing anything before Christmas. Another poster on this thread said something about January 2nd. I think that you've now got to decide what to do and to follow it through.

Start making plans. Get all the information you can. Forewarned is forearmed. Don't make the mistake of getting sucked into the what could have been's - because they ain't real.

Hope you find the strength for you and your girls....

[Greyclay]

I am so sorry that you are in this place in your life right now. For what it's worth, to me it sounds as though you are in the process of gathering strength to make the necessary changes in your life. Change will come very soon for you I don't doubt. In the end by forcing change, you will be doing everyone a favour in the long run. Including your DP. But the absolute most important reasons for you to act as soon as you can are your children and you. Good luck. Keep strong.

[Forthebest]

Hello everyone,
Not sure if anyone remembers my ramblings at the begining of the month but i'm still here.

OH and I called an uneasy truce as were edging closer and closer to christmas and I can't bear the thought of disrupting everything for the DC.

Its not the same though. We can try and kid ourselves but its really not. We have nothing to say to each other, get irritable with each other and the sex thing is just ridiculous. After a lot of coaxing and hints ( and vodka on my part ) we slept together last weekend. There has been no talk of him geting a job, retraining or anything and I have juts been gritting my teeth. He is still staying up late and sleeping in while the girls and I go to work and school. He has even been leaving me notes asking me to to lock the front door when he leaves so he is secure !!! Nothing will change as he has no reason to change. I know this. I am enabling him as a PP said :0(

Anyway last monday I lied, and said I had my period. I cant actually believe it has come to that. I am a grown woman for gods sake in a responsible job and I am lying about having a period in order to avoid being pressured for sex.
I feel bad about lying and more to the point I am annoyed I feel I have too !!
So life has gone back to the way it was.
he is moping about saying he feels unloved and miserable and in the meantime I am working allday and dealing with the kids when I get home.
Last night he did the sleeping on the sofa routine which meant I had to get the girls ready upstairs. he stayed asleep the whole time. They dont even question it anymore.

I can't do this. I really, really need the strength to leave. I know I should. I know all the reasons, I know in time I would be happier. I know the girls would adapt eventually. I would be better off emotionally and financially.
Every time it gets to the crunch I panic, freeze and start getting all sentimental . Walking around Matalan doing my xmas shopping earlier in the week I was reduced to a gibbering wreck and started imagineing him as a cross between brad pitt and dad of the year. When I am away from him all I remember is how nice he can be, but put us ina room together and its awful. The reality is, we shouldnt be together.
He hasn't and wont change. he has no intention of getting a job and this is how it will be.

Im not sur eof the point of this post. I think I juts wnated to get it down. I cant use the p.c at home as he tracks all my history. It will be useful to come across this again and hopefully my life will have changed.
Will I ever be strong enough ?

[cestlavielife]

"he feels his life isnt worth living and that he cries himself to sleep most nights ?? WTF !! All this did was annoy me really. I just want to give hima kick up the arse and tell him to sort it out ! If I say go to the GP then he just says " yeah and what are they going to do !!" Its a neverending circle, and now thanks to you guys mainly I really am starting to see that all this self pity and misery is his own doing !""

yes absolutely.

he is citing the same script as my exP.

my exP still cites the same script. it will be two eyars in april since i uppped and left physically moved with dcs...

it wont matter if he with you or not - he will still be misery..

but YOU can have a much better life without this dark cloud in the house. less of a house "pet" more of a malevolent spirit....

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

FTB your posts are getting worse:-

Your dad had a HEART ATTACK and he actually stepped up to do the bare minimum for a couple of days, but then expected you to sleep with him as a reward for good behaviour?!

If you're well enough to work then you're well enough to satisfy this leech sexually?!

If you can't face doing this before Christmas - and I can understand that although you shouldn't feel you can't - then start to plan for, let's say, the 2nd of January. It's after New Year's Eve, not a significant date and will mean you can plan for a new year of freedom.

Make a plan. Start to imagine an evening in bed without worrying about when he's going to come up, what he's going to try when he's there, not having to make excuses not to have sex with someone who repulses you. Surely that's better? Isn't it?

[reup]

You said that he told you in a phone call that
"He sounded really sad and said that he had given up everything to be with me and now his life is ruined"

What did he give up?

If he thinks you have ruined his life but supporting him all these years he is not seeing anything straight.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

PMSL at "house-pet". But abedelia is right. That's what he is... a giant morose house-pet. With a rather unappealing habit that if he were a canine would necessitate a trip to the vet...

[MadameOvary]

He sounds passive aggressive tbh.
Not that that is an excuse in any way, but it might give you some clarity in how to deal with him.

[abedelia]

I am very suspicious that he can find the energy for sex (and harassment / blackmail for sex) but not the get up and go to sort out his mental health - which would mean getting a job - rather than being kept like a house-pet. You have your dad to worry about now. He is totally unnecessary.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

How far away is his mum's house? Can he go and stay there and also take on a bit of parental responsibilty (picking the kids up etc) so you can be a support to your parents?

If you don't want him touching you, in your bed then he needs to go.

And if you tell him to go, as opposed to him leaving of his own accord - so what? If it's the right decision (and I believe from what you've written it is) then you have no reason to feel guilty for making it.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Five years of stuff-all, then suddenly he pulls up his socks for a whole weekend (gosh!) and you're supposed to really trust he's turned his life around? Takes a wee bit more than that, on Planet Earth. Like putting a sticking plaster on a compound fracture, then being indignant that you're not capering around like a spring chicken.

Understandable that you are feeling panicky at this potential huge upheaval in your life - even if it is probably for the best. He's playing on that, though, and pushing the buttons; you've seen it now and you can never un-see the truth once it hits you.

Still not betting heavily that he actually will leave once you say the word, though...

Hope your parents are bearing up ok and that your dad is soon fully recovered.

[NorkilyChallenged]

You've had great advice from very wise people here. I can't add anything except my support for whatever you decide.

I can see this is a big decision. If you feel you can't just say "go" (which to be honest, I do think you probably need to do), why not try another kind of ultimatum.

Have you tried saying to him to go to the GP (since he thinks his "life is ruined because of his health" you'd think he would want to see a medical professional), never mind "but what would they do" just say you want him to go and talk about it all. Take him and sit in the waiting room if necessary.

He needs to know that just cooking a meal and going to the cinema isn't going to demonstrate the willingness to improve things that you need.

I think he totally knows that you are starting to make a final decision and he's pulling out all hte stops to prevent that happening if he can.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[abedelia]

So he'll do a few little bits and pieces (and expects a reward for that) but when asked to actually get off his arse and do things that actually require effort he refuses?

All through this thread I have had the suspicion that he is more lazy than sick and this takes the biscuit. I honestly don't think you'll notice when he's gone.

[AngryFromManchester]

I imagine panic is perfectly normal you know but I do not think anything will change unless you have some kind of trial seperation or something for a while. It might do him good, you never know

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

tell him to go then

he wants it

you want it

the kids will carry on as before, with you as their sole support as per

he "tried" for a weekend ? What ? All of 48 hours ? What a superhuman effort

why would you panic ? You are effectively a single parent anyway, not having this millstone dragging you down will be easier, surely ?

you know you will continue to go round in circles, do you want to wake up in 5 yrs time and still be stuck like this ?

[TheCrackFox]

He expects to get a "reward shag" because he went to the cinema/cooked dinner all this whilst your Dad is lying ill in hospital?

Why does he seem to think the world revolves around him?

Just get rid of him. You have enough to deal with - sick dad, full time job, all the housework and childcare without this arsehole adding to the list.

[Forthebest]

Sorry everyone,
I am aware I am using this to offload.

I juts phoned H to see what he meant by that statement about xmas presents in the last phonecall and boy did it turn into a row.

He told me that he meant nothing by it and I am reading too much into everything.
he said that he doesnt know what to say to me anymore without offending me and that he just feels lost in this realtionship. He said again that it is broken beyond repair and that he tried all weekend and now feels like we are a lost cause becuase he is aware that I am miserable and shrinking away from him. he said he thought that going to the cinema and cooking etc was making an effort but that it still isnt good enough for me.

I think he wants to go. I think he wants to be told to go. I reckon he would leave tonight if I told him too. He sounded really sad.
This is where I get too, and I hate myself for it becuase I start to panic.

[geisha]

FTB - I'm very late coming to this thread, have just scan-read all your posts. You are brave, you can do this and you need to do this. You will always be able to find a reason not to, even after christmas, even after your dad is better.

Your daughter is learning from you and H about what marriage and relationships are abot and this is not a healthy example.

I always think a happy mummy makes for happy children and it sounds to me like you'll be happier without H. It will be challenging to start with, but it sounds like you've got lovely friends and children and of course you have MN. Please do this for yourself and your children.

[Forthebest]

OMG I need to add something else !!

H just phoned me. A parcel has arrived. Its a cardigan I ordered for my sister for xmas.

Who is it for ? he asks. My sister I say, its something for xmas.

Oh, well I havent got anything for MY brother " says he in a sulky voice.

NO you havent !!! Thats because YOU havent got any money becuase you REFUSE to sign on or GET A JOB !!!! plus its ME that will pay and buy all of YOUR families presents like I do every year !

Jesus !! Im not sure how much more I can take. I am starting to feel like I am going insane !! HOW does he think this is a normal way to behave !! It IS like having a stroppy teenager a PP was soooo right.

[Forthebest]

Edited to add, I really dont know how to handle this at all. I dont know whether to leave it till after xmas or not. Its so scary and I know after such a long time together I will be doubting myself but this just feels awful. Sunday morning I woke up and was just........sad. I knew I would be spending the day with him and his miserable face. He kept trying to come up behind me and squeeze my boobs or kiss my neck as well and I juts wanted to punch him in the face.

[Forthebest]

Hello all,
Thought I would update you after your kind words and support.
Had the most terrible ( for many reasons weekend ) and I really feel all over the place.

On friday my dad ended up in hospital with a suspected heart attack. Long story short he is ok but mum is obviously shocked.

Soooo I didnt get a chance to speak to H about anything really. Friday night was awful. He was sulking a little and basically he ended up in tears telling me that he feels his life isnt worth living and that he cries himself to sleep most nights ?? WTF !! All this did was annoy me really. I just want to give hima kick up the arse and tell him to sort it out ! If I say go to the GP then he just says " yeah and what are they going to do !!" Its a neverending circle, and now thanks to you guys mainly I really am starting to see that all this self pity and misery is his own doing !

Saturday was weird. I had arranged to take DC to the cinema as a birthday treat with my mum but obviously she was busy with dad so H came with me !!!!!!!!!!!! That has never happened beofre ! He also cooked dinner when we got home and was clearly trying to please.
Yesterday more of the same, he cooked sunday lunch, played with the girls and actually talked at the dinner table ! Usually he just sits there in silence and leaves when he has eaten.
He then asked me what I wanted for xmas ??? Its all a bit strange. He knows I am at the end of the road and I think personally he is doing everything he can to avoid having to get a job.
The final straw came last night when I went to bed. He came to bed the same time as me and it was as clear as day that he was looking for some sort of " reward " for helping out. He tried to come on to me but I just cringed. I have a stinking cold so I told him I really needed to sleep and he got really offended. Lo and behold out came the emotional blackmail. " I take you will be going to work though " he said, Er yes I have responsibilities and bills to pay " So clearly the message was that I was well enough for work but not for a shag !!

I am so tired of it all. It all seems like too little too late. I know what he is doing and now this crying all the time thing is too weird. He has phoned me at work this morning to " see how I am doing " and the phone call was awful. We have NOTHING to say to each other. He got annoyed that it was mostly silence so I suggested he feel it and he had nthing to say.

This situtation with my dad has thrown a spanner in the works too as I need to him to pick the girls up and help out while I help mum and dad out so I feel stuck.

So thats me. Still in this mess and really not knowing where to turn. Meanwhile we creep ever closer to xmas.