Can you be honest with me...

[Forthebest]

hello,
Thought I would ask an honest bunch a question as my friends are too biased.
Been with DH for over 15 years. Have 2 DC.
We aren't getting on at all. It really feels like we have broken down. There is no real communication and the rows are harsh and hurtful.

He was made redundant 5 years ago and time has just stayed still for him while I work fulltime for all of us.
He does some token housework, and cooks the evening meal ( to keep me from nagging - his words ) but I pay for everything, and deal with the girls 100% including taking them to school etc.

I think he is depressed. He makes NO effort to go to the GP though, even though I have asked and asked. he would rather sit on the p.c all day and night.

I am so resentful of our rubbish life, and have been for a good year that I feel like I have withdrawn totally. I dont, hug him or kiss him and I tend to " give in " to sex to avoid an argument. I know he must feel that.

He is now angry at me all the time as there is no affection ( sex !). he says I am cold and he has now also withdrawn. he keeps anti social hours, he will stay up till 3am then sleep in while me and the DC are at work/school.

Today was DC2 5th birthday. He stayed awake all night as he said he couldnt sleep. This was because of me and how angry he is with me. It meant that I opened all the presents, and cards with her while he SLEPT on the sofa in the same room and ignored her !!!!!!

We keep talking things over and over, and all we ever discuss is hoiw cold I am and how there is no affection. If I mention the reasons why he just brushes them aside.

Am I in the wrong ? I know its not nice to live with someone who is not very affectionate, but neither is it nice to live with someone who refuses to work, keeps antisocial hours and pays absolutely NO atention to their children except to tell them off !!

I really feel like its time to end this. We go round and round. I will be miserable without him but I know I could cope and this is hell !!he says all he wants is me but I want a family unit !! I want a future and Im not going to have it while I have to support him and keep him for the rest of his life ??

Any thoughts please ??

I agree. Kick him out. He's one of those lazy blokes who can't be arsed to take on responsibility.

Depression is a serious illness but he might well find if he got off his arse, went to work, brought home the bread, got some excercise, slept at night as a result he might feel a lot better.

You deserve better. My ex was a lazy shit too. He's now living rent free in his mum and dad's spare bedroom. Like a teenager at 31. They don't change.

I know he could sort himself out. I honestly dont know why he wont. He has zero selfconfidence. He hates his teeth ( they are quite bad ) and says he feels selfconcious about them but wont go to the dentist becuase he is afraid !!

He needs and wants to do so many things but just wont !!

I tell him all the time he is full of self pity. He is always so woe is me, and everyone is out to get me. The annoying thing is before he wa smade redundant he held down a great job, was in charge of over 30 people and worked 12 hour days !! I dont know where that person has gone I really dont !

I do think I have been a cow though. Im not affectionate at all, I dont kiss him, hug him or even talk to him nicely a lot of the time. His life really must be very miserable.

I think we HAVE broken this he's quite right.
I have my own answers I think . I dont feel blameless though :0(
Thanks everyone, so much

'He has zero selfconfidence.'

that has to come from within, and he's adult enough to both realise this AND know that it starts with himself.

he's not a child.

FTB (I am going to shout, so sorry about that) HIS LIFE IS MISERABLE BECAUSE HE CHOSE TO MAKE IT MISERABLE

If he wanted a happy life he would have gone to the GP. He would be trying to be gorgeous and loving to seduce you, rather than just whine about no sex.

Please listen. I thought it was all my fault this time last year. It wasn't. I'd been sucked in by my DH's manipulation. I was taking all the blame. I never approached him for sex/cuddles/kisses and that was my fault too (not his for being cold and distant ).

It takes two to make a marriage work. You've been carrying it on your own, it can't work without both of you.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

You can blame his illness if you want, but you can't blame yourself. That way lies a very dangerous path. Please believe me, I walked it.

Oh ffs, stop taking everything on yourself - you are starting to sound like him, which just goes to show how far he has ground you down. It is his problem, not yours that he suffers from terminal apathy. Which he won't sort out. You can't drag him around forever - it will wear you out. I seriously think that you taking charge and booting him into touch will give him the incentive to get off his backside and help himself for once.

You have not been a cow at all, you just have no love and respect for someone who is acting like a massive toddler. If you do act nicely towards him, what difference does it make? None probably, he just sucks it all up like a giant black hole. What about how miserable he has made you? Don't you and the kids count?

YKNOTC - my exP is on anti-d's and is just the same as before if not worse - there has been no taking repsonsibility (i ahve said in past "you smashed up my house why do you think you can come in it? he has replied "but I was depressed") but i dont have to live with him and nor do the Dcs.

FTB - just say yes you are right - now go.

if he is "ill" he needs someone to look after him and frankly you cannot cope. best he goes off eg to his mother and gets help. if he can find something "reckless" well so be it...

the ruining the children's live is tosh, he can still be a father if he chooses - if he chooses not to then it will show him for what he is.

pack his bags.

write a schedule for contact - two evenings a week, weekends - whatever would fit in with you and kids and what is he already doing with them on weekends?

really you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

as was said, if there are big changes in him and in 12 months time you want to start again with him you can... but on your terms. a relationship should enhance your life not drag it down.

you are caught up in a bad habit. you need to break it. he can choose whether to improve his life or not. but yours will improve without him there.

he can feel how he likes about things - his feelings his problem.

This thread has made me feel really sad.

It must be so hard to live with someone who is the shadow of the man he was when you got together. I guess that is what is keeping you there.

I do think he is depressed but it's no excuse. He needs to seek help.

I can't see what he is bringing or contributing to your family.

I'm not going to say "kick him out", "leave" etc because I don't think it's anyone's place to advise you of such a drastic measure. But maybe you have to be cruel to be kind - tell him that unless he is able to make steps to get better then you will consider leaving, maybe he needs a wake up call.

'I do think I have been a cow though. Im not affectionate at all, I dont kiss him, hug him or even talk to him nicely a lot of the time. His life really must be very miserable.'
Please don't lose the true perspective. I sense that you are beginning to blame yourself again. Don't think that just because you are not 'perfect' that you are therefore deserving of this treatment. ANYONE in your position would be just as unaffectionate.
YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT! If you do decide to stay with him, then do it for a valid reason (such as him showing that he is trying to change).Don't just stay because you think its all down to you. That's what he wants you to think IMHO.

Sorry x post!

cestlavie, yup and my DH was on ADs when he was being vile. It's not a quick fix, that has to come from within, but it is a step towards trying to get better, and the fact that OP's H won't even do that is not a good sign.

Cumbria - agree with your post. Read quite a few articles recently that the recession is more of a mancession, more mens jobs are being cut and what impact it has. Intersting how men react to it and withdraw etc - it s not an excuse but I guess how we are socialised. Somehow you both need to sort this asap - sounds more medical - couldn't imagine not wanting to be with and enjoy dcs at those ages.

SDD: SHe needs to be rid of him. He is not entitled to her endless support while he does nothing but whine and refuse to accept any offers of proper help - he won't go to the GP but expects her to carry him financially and service him in every respect.

FTB: useless tossers like this man don't change much. I bet when he was working you still did most of the housework and somehow it was always his whims and preferences that took priority. He's a waste of space, don't fall for his whining bullshit. OF COURSE you don't want sex with him, his behaviour has turned the sex from something mutuall enjoyable into yet another service you are expected to provide, because he reckons that he matters more than you.

'Somehow you both need to sort this asap - sounds more medical -'

How is it her responsibility to sort this out when he refuses to see the GP about it five years on?

Mancession, my arse!

An excuse for 50% of the population to act like stroppy teens if they lose their jobs?

Get real!

SDD - ope says he "He was made redundant 5 years ago " long before the crisis and presumably he could have retrained or got another job before the 2008 crash.

so his behaviour now and in past five years has nothing to do with any recession/mancession...

in any case does not excuse him for not stepping up - "i cant get a job but i will pull my weight in the house, get up in the mornings, gets dcs ready for school" etcetcetc.

"unless he is able to make steps to get better then you will consider leaving"
he himself has threatened to leave previously acc to the Op, so all she would be doing is just agreeing with him.

he can choose for it to be all or nothing.

if the Op does nothing now, then in a month or months she will review and know things have not changed.

his comments - have been "so i will go and it will be all your fault" - no inclination there to say "heck, i will do something to make this right"

I regularly get frustrated on MN when there are threads along the lines of 'my H doesn't help out around the house', and (almost) everyone shouts 'LEAVE HIM'. It is an easy thing to say when its not your life, and when you have a super-helpful DH doing your ironing as you MN! Marriages shouldn't just be ended because one of you is doing more then the other, or one partner thinks they have it tougher.
HOWEVER, this is a totally different situation. One that has obviously taken such a toll on OP that she feels that she is responsible for EVERYTHING, whether that be earning the money or 'ruining' the marriage. Something needs to change.
OP - you must act now. Whether that be a trial separation, or something more permanent.

Domesticateddad...I would drop the 'sexy' if I were you as you sound about as sexy as a packet of maris piper.

'mancession,' ?? jeez. You don't actually believe all the clap-trap that keeps freelance scribblers in work do you?

I'm not defending the OP DH!! Just some observations about how men seem to take redundancy much harder and unable to cope, but as posted it is NO excuse and if you don't sort out an issue early it will get fester and spiral downwards as it clearly has in this case!! Just putting a view point on it and wondering how as a society we can fix this, if indeed it needs fixing - seems number of single parent households is for ever going upwards. Do we need more relationship education in schools and not basic sex education, do we know how to comunicate to each other so that we can try to fix before they become broken?

Facts are that more jobs in male domintaed industries inthe past have been lost (not just this time around but for many years before). You can see how the work place is changing - my point is that many men don't take the opportunity to make changes and use the redundancy as an excuse to give up.

the loser needs to move out. He has had five years to think about all that and he is still emotionally manipulating the poor op.

he sounds a knob and very unliekly to sit around in All Bar One stressing about the state of relationship education in schools or the closure of the mines and its legacy on 21st century manhood.

Are you a student DomesticateDad? Leeds University I am guessing...

Ls - so far off the mark its untrue

(cry) did I hurt your feelings?

I don't do obtuse

Can we get back to the OP?

Just to reassure you again FTB, your H is not behaving in a normal manner, you doing everything and your DCs going into Childcare (paid by you) while your H lounges around at home unwilling to do anything but the bare minimum, is not normal.

My sex life is currently almost non-existent. This is because my DH destroyed my trust in him. He has told me we can wait as long as I want. He puts not pressure on me, but tells me I'm beautiful and makes me feel loved.

The more trust returns the more attracted to him I feel: The more I reach out to him; The more I want to be with him.

SDD "my point is that many men don't take the opportunity to make changes and use the redundancy as an excuse to give up.
"

exactly - it is the man's (in this case) responsibility to step up - not the partner/wife or society.

schools just need to teach kids that sh$t happens - get on with it/seek help/do something to change it. dont blame everyone else for your issues. behaviours have consequences.

and that when you are an adult you have to take on responsibilities...
if you choose to behave like a teen when you have kids, a wife to support - then you might get chucked out til you pull your socks up.

the op is blaming herself - because the H is whining and making her believe it her fault. v easy to get into - i spent years trying to "make him happy" . never worked...

the only way to get him to change is for her to make it very clear - and the only way to do that is for him to leave. no one is saying forever (if he does something to change) but chances are he wont change so it will be forever.

LS - found it funny as my eldest DS has that as one of his uni choices!!

Yep - the OPs DH needs a Jeremy Kyle stylee kick up the backside or loose everything but sounds like he has just given up - must be a miserable life for all in that house. Thats why I symathised with Cumbrias post.

The redundancies may mostly be in male dominated sectors, but you can bet your sweet arse that the first out the door will be the women, especially the pregnant ones.