Can you be honest with me...

[Forthebest]

hello,
Thought I would ask an honest bunch a question as my friends are too biased.
Been with DH for over 15 years. Have 2 DC.
We aren't getting on at all. It really feels like we have broken down. There is no real communication and the rows are harsh and hurtful.

He was made redundant 5 years ago and time has just stayed still for him while I work fulltime for all of us.
He does some token housework, and cooks the evening meal ( to keep me from nagging - his words ) but I pay for everything, and deal with the girls 100% including taking them to school etc.

I think he is depressed. He makes NO effort to go to the GP though, even though I have asked and asked. he would rather sit on the p.c all day and night.

I am so resentful of our rubbish life, and have been for a good year that I feel like I have withdrawn totally. I dont, hug him or kiss him and I tend to " give in " to sex to avoid an argument. I know he must feel that.

He is now angry at me all the time as there is no affection ( sex !). he says I am cold and he has now also withdrawn. he keeps anti social hours, he will stay up till 3am then sleep in while me and the DC are at work/school.

Today was DC2 5th birthday. He stayed awake all night as he said he couldnt sleep. This was because of me and how angry he is with me. It meant that I opened all the presents, and cards with her while he SLEPT on the sofa in the same room and ignored her !!!!!!

We keep talking things over and over, and all we ever discuss is hoiw cold I am and how there is no affection. If I mention the reasons why he just brushes them aside.

Am I in the wrong ? I know its not nice to live with someone who is not very affectionate, but neither is it nice to live with someone who refuses to work, keeps antisocial hours and pays absolutely NO atention to their children except to tell them off !!

I really feel like its time to end this. We go round and round. I will be miserable without him but I know I could cope and this is hell !!he says all he wants is me but I want a family unit !! I want a future and Im not going to have it while I have to support him and keep him for the rest of his life ??

Any thoughts please ??

[Forthebest]

The websites he goes on are all about downloading, beating the system and paranoia from what I can make out !

He seems to be turning into some sort of ridiculous revolutionary or something !

Its not funny is it. Its really, really sad. He honestly can't see my point of view and sees himself as hard done by because we dont have sex enough.

If I told him to go I think he would. He would probbaly go to his mothers as I can't see where else he would go, but I dread how it would come baout. he would be vile and it would be so difficult.

He has told me he is exhausted after not sleeping last night so I know I will be entertaining DD and guests on her birthday by myself tonight. Which is nothing new sadly.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

My DH has suffered with depression for the last couple of years.

He did hold down a demanding job throughout, but I'm not sure he would have had the oomph to get out and look for a job (at his lowest).

I took him to the GP every time. With the promise that if he did not come with me I would still be keeping his appointment and talking to the GP without him.

His illness is not your responsibility, he needs to get some medication sorted and start doing things to improve himself. But you are enabling him to do nothing. If he does get angry do you let him? Or do you say firmly, "You are not to talk to me like that" and still insist he does what needs doing?

I talk as someone who put up with the shouting - which made him worse. It was only when I actually threw him out that he really began to change.

You need to start putting your foot down and setting your boundaries.

Have you thought about talking to your own GP about it all? They can give advice to you too.

[notnowbernard]

Being very honest, I would leave

He may well be ill; he may have dependency issues (interesting about the codeine - how much does he take every day?)

But either way he is taking ZERO responsibility for either himself or his family

I too would be very concerned about the impact on the dds for all the reasons you've mentioned

I think you have to start getting very boundaried. "You will go to the GP to sort out mood/health etc. You will go and sign-on/find a job to relieve the financial pressure on the family. You will start taking on more of the domestic work and running of the household so we are in an equal partnership"

"If you refuse to do these things I will be leaving/you will be leaving"

[Forthebest]

We are going to end up having a row tonight I can feel it. he is itching for a fight, I can see the signs, he is sulking, feels neglected etc. After the girls have gone to bed he will probably threaten to leave me again to try and panic me as he knows this works. I have been trying to hold the family together for so long he knows I will panic.

I am tempted to take your advice and say ok go then. The thing is, its SO close to xmas. Will I ruin it for the DC forever ? Or should I wait till new year ?

Mind you there is no telling what sort of mood he will be in anyway. usually we go to his parents for a strained 3-4 hours, and he insists we leave by 8pm at the latest so he can " enjoy some of xmas day myself " !!
Whereas I tend to think xmas day is about the DC surely ??

[GypsyMoth]

how can he expect a sex life if he's not coming to bed til 3/4 am? i'd ask him that!

[notnowbernard]

Christmas will be a bit shitty if you break up, yes

But it sounds like it will be pretty shit regardless

[Forthebest]

He wont go to the GP. If I insist he would say I cant tell him what to do. he would NEVER go with me.

He takes about 2-4 tablets daily. I am quite sure he has ruined his stomach as he has been taking them for years.

He says he cant hold down a job as he is too ill. He has so many ideas about what he will do, he tells me things to keep me quiet but never follows them through. I think thats why I have had enough. I cant wait anymore. Im only 35, is that too late to start again ?

Thanks so much for listening. I am amazed at the level of good avice. Thank you so much.
My poor friends just think I am stupid I think.

An example being, on saturday my best friend is dropping off a birthday cake she has made for my DC. She wont come in as she said " I wont add to the level of tension already in your house, I darent risk spoiling "dc'S " birthday "
how sad is that !!

[yellowvan]

He really sounds as if he needs help- you both do.

Would the doctor make a house call to you d'you think? Can you talk it through with GP on your own and suggest/request they make one?

At the start of the thread when depression was mentioned I was highly sceptical (and agree it is very over-used term) but it really does sound like some sort of depression/agraphobia/social phobia ie more than the (probably also co-existing)lazyarseitis.

I feel sad and sorry for you and your dcs going through this, but also a teensy bit of sympathy for him, too. I hope he can accept some help.

[MorrisZapp]

He feels neglected? Hello? from a man who slept through his child's birthday?

Personally, I'd leave this guy.

But it's never that simple is it. At the very least, you need to seriously shake things up by taking a major stand. If you can throw him out, do it. Don't not do it becuase it will be awful - the alternative is even more awful.

If he is capable of change then you will be helping him, by forcing him to face up to his responsibilities. But if he is not capable of change then sadly you have to accept that you and your DDs deserve so much more, and move on.

And at the moment, from what you've said, it sound like you'd all have more without him in the house.

[CarGirl]

If he is itching for a fight you may as well do it now.

Christmas without him sounds wonderful, at least the dc won't be worried about waking him up opening their presents.

You posted about him before yes???? I think we advised you then to give him the elbow, I really think you need to because he isn't going to change is he?

[Forthebest]

he says he only stays up till 3-4am because I go to bed early and there isnt any point in him coming to bed !!

I go to bed at 12ish !! I stay up as long as possible as he doesnt like me going to bed early and leaving him alone! He wont instigate sex as he says he feels so rejected so I have to do it or it wont happen !! Thats the problem, I dont want to do it now so it doesnt happen, he sulks and off we go again !!
He ONLY comes to bed with me if he thinks he is going to get some. he NEVER comes for a chat or cuddles etc.

God this is pathetic and I am getting NO work done lol but its SUCH a relief to get it out !!!!!!!

[notnowbernard]

If he's refusing to go to the GP, I don't think there's much else you can do

But remember, you can't change another person's behaviour. But you CAN change YOUR behaviour to the extent that it may influence how the other person starts to perceive you and the situation

I think that's what I mean about boundaries

You've got to start being clear, firm and consistent about what you expect and what is unacceptable

[choccyp1g]

This isn't meant flippantly, but think how much more fun you can have over Christmas without him. Opening presents loudly, for a start.

[Martha1]

Ask him to stay at his mothers for a week or so - she may talk some sense into him; and he'll also realise what he stands to lose.

Chin up - the worst that can happen is that you end up single, but you're doing everything on your own anyway!! U sound very capable and together so it'll be his loss!!

[SolidGoldpiginablanket]

Throw him out. He's a parasite. When you throw him out, he will clean himself up a bit and target a desperate single mother to go and live off.
Honestly, don't waste any more time or effort on him. You have given him plenty of chances and, ill or not, he has done nothing to help himself, so why should you carry on supporting a person who is nothing but a drain on you and doesn't appear to have any respect or kindness for you or his children.

[cestlavielife]

he shows symptoms of depression or underlying mental condition - eg insomnia, inability to do anything etc.
but ultimately HE is repsonsible for seeking help for that.

i was with my exP for 14 years and he resigned his job and then became "unable" to retrian, seek another job etcetc. i also was always the one organising trips out etc.

he threatened to leave but never did.
he constantly moaned.
ultimately he had a najor breakdowna nd became violent and agressive...
then everything was blamed on his "depression"

I think you need to tell him to leave until he sorts himself out.

you cannot live with an overgrown teen in the house,
he CHOOSES to stay up to 3 or 4 am then sleep til 12.

he HAS children and responsibilities and if he not prepared to face up to that he should live elsewhere.

he is controlling your live and the DCS who have to tiptoe around because of his chosen lifestyle.

this amounts to abuse.

will the DCs miss him? not really....

i do not think you need to "give it a good try" - you ahve done so for the last five years, supporting him in all ways in his non-working lifestyle, faciltating his late night PC habit...

kick him out.

if in a few months he has got his act together, got a job, sought help - etc then sure, give it a re-try.

but frankly these people are always going to be miserable .....

"He is supposed to be picking them up from school tonight for me as I am working late. He said that the children would be the last ones collected tonight as he felt awful and couldnt face the crowds of parents. When I said that was unfair especially on her birthday, he sneered at me and said that there was no other option. ! "

that is cruel and selfish in my opinion. He feels awful?
what about his daughter who will feel awful?

really does he actually care about anyone but himself?

he is self centred and selfish and does not deserve to be around you.

if he really is ill he needs serious help.

if he wont go and get it - then tough. his problem.


ONLY HE can fix himself and change.

you dont have to put up with this way of living and you owe it to your DCS to have him leave.

does he hear you say "daddy is poorly daddy has a headache"?

you send him to his parents, tell the DCs daddy is ill. make it clear there is no chance of him ever coming back til he gets himself sorted, this will take months.... (and i supect once he gone you wont want him back anyway...)

beware tho - he may turn nasty when he realises you mean it.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

It sounds like you've tried to help him but he won't help himself. And he needs to get help as he's not doing it on his own.

It sounds like it's too far down the track to fix things. I don't think you've said anything positive about him.

I'd probably leave him. You've given it your best shot. Now it's over.

[Cicatrice]

35 is in no way too old to start again.

You could easily live to be 80. Do you fancy another 45 years of him like this?

[GypsyMoth]

has he ever been violent? you sound scared of him.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

He contributes nothing positive to your household. You will be no worse off on your own.

At 35 many people haven't even started. So definitely not too old.

[abedelia]

Cestlavie is spot on. You have given it five years and he is still a self-pitying pain in the arse who won't help himself and is cruel to his family, all because HE can't cope. He needs something to kick his arse and make him seek help.

Really, your daughters will be so much better off without him. That is not how a man should treat his partner and they are seeing terrible relationship dynamics - his feelings do NOT count more than those of anyone else in the house, nor should they - complete self-sacrifice is not how people should behave to live together successfully.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

You know the answer.

It is very simple.

What does he contribute to your life and to your dcs' lives?

Financial support?

Emotional support?

Social interaction?

A fulfilling love life (being pressurised into sex has nothing to do with love)?

Help with the children?

And in the other corner, what does he take?

Money? Emotional strength? Time? Energy?

You need to protect your DCs and yourself.

When this evening comes and he screams at you and threatens to leave, you just have to say, very calmly, "I think that is what is best for everyone at the moment. You are obviously not happy, I am not happy and that is making the DCs unhappy."

Be organised. Point him towards accomadation options but let him do it himself. Set a date for him to go and stick to it.

Let him sort himself out. Offer support in the way of GPs and therapists, not you as a punch bag.

You will feel relief when he is gone, I promise you. You;re already doing everything.

This doesn't have to be forever. If you need to view it as a temporary solution for now then that's fine.

My DH is home now. He is on medication and is generally much better. He has dips and it's horrible, but so far he is taking responsibility.

[LadyGlenChristmasPresent]

Having read the rest of your posts I think I was attempting to be too understanding of his issues.
Kick him out as soon as you can. Surely your children will have a happier Christmas (and happier lives) without this malign presence in their home.

[Forthebest]

Thank you (((((((((())))))))))))

I have to go the loos now and cry for a bit.

Its my daughters 5th birthday tonight and I have people coming round. He will disapear.

I will enjoy my time with my girls and put them to bed.

I just wish it wasn't so close to xmas.

Thank you so much xx

[notnowbernard]

What are you going to do?

Are you going to ask him to leave? Or leave with the DC?