Hundreds of Bankers Confess Reasons for Cheating

[bankonme]

Illicit Encounters, which has over 380,000 members UK-wide, surveyed over 600 men and women to compile the list.

The Top Ten was created by analysing the responses of 639 bankers, who were asked the question, "What were the three main reasons you decided to pursue an extra-marital relationship?".

1st To Feel Loved - Bankers have become Public Enemy No. 1 since the credit crunch hit, so are seeking out some overdue affection.

2nd For The Thrill : Professionally, bankers enjoy a good thrill - risk is partof their job. Many said they were simply looking for a real thrill.

3rd Unstable Home Life - Unsociable hours and long journeys into the city meanBankers spend much time away from home; the lifestyle doesn't promote a healthy relationship.

4th To Escape The Mundane - Fantasy and romanticism play a large role in mostpeople's extra-marital relations.

5th To Boost Their Ego - This was a common response amongst male members.

6th To Avoid Costly Divorce - Many members saw an affair as a way of simply avoiding an expensive divorce

7th To Lavish - Bankers want to find someone they can spend all their hard-earned money on.

8th Because They Feel Entitled - Long hours, high stakes and tough decisions make banking one of the most stressful professions out their. Some members see their affair as a reward for their hard work.

9th Because They Can - Opportunity certainly plays a role. Late nights at the office and evenings out drinking provide more chances to cheat.

10th Peer Pressure - Affairs are common in the city, and, especially for male bankers, taking a mistress can be somewhat of a status symbol.

very insightful, hully!

Aaaagh

I said exactly what I meant - no hidden agenda, MN will always be anti choice on this matter, just as the MN posters line would be greeted as naive on the LL forum. I am a mother with 2 DCs myself, but cannot really speak from experience about the insecurities that can go with being a SAHM because I went back to work each time after 6 weeks.

In all other respects I think you would find i hve led an exemplary life, I am trustee of a national charity and my children have had exceptional academic sucess - nurtured by me, and are jolly nice people. I'm a good mother, daughter and reckon on being a pretty good wife too.

For more than 1/2 my life I have been sexually deprived as a result of my DH's apathy towards sex and if we are all happy as we are I think that is fair enough. I've exhausted myself trying every trick in the book to liven up that side of things at home, but he gets very unhappy with me and it just makes things worse, so this is my answer. And no, sorry i don't feel any guilt about it at all.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of deception and generally being crapped on by an affair, I do want to stick my beak in and say that higamoush's experience is a bit different from the 'having your cake and eating it' scenario. She's tried many, many things to fix the glaring problem in her relationship, by her own admission.

Okay, it isn't ideal to be sleeping with someone else but neither is it ideal to tell your spouse that they should spend the rest of their life sexually frustrated and feeling crap about themselves because they are constantly being knocked back and any physical interaction is entirely on the other person's terms.

I am sympathic to the fact that higamous hasn't been able to negotiate the kind of sex life she wants with her DH. I don't think a husband or wife should deprive their partner of affection and intimacy. I still don't agree with cheating

When people say "its not the affair, it's the deception" do they mean they'd be happier with their DH/DP/DW coming to them and saying "I want to sleep with someone else but I don't want to do it behind your back?"

I can't see that going down well. I know someone who went down that route and it destroyed their marriage.

I'm just saying.

Not commenting either way on these "encounter" sites. As others have pointed out, this is hardly the forum where they'll get a good reception. (After all, it's a bit like going into ModelTrainsNet and posting about how you think model railway enthusiasts are sad losers.)

hmm, do sympathise with higamous though. What is she supposed to do- break up an (otherwise) happy family? I think she's made a very difficult choice but far be it from us to judge imho.

Yes, it's a difficult one. If your partner appears to have chosen celibacy, and you respect that choice but don't think it should also apply to you... What do you do?

I suppose it comes down to whether they really have chosen celibacy or it's just one of those "both need to work at it a bit more" situations. I always hesitate to say that, though, as it's my mother's verdict on couples who get divorced - where, if you know the full story, you'll know there is no way they could have "worked on it" given the incompatibilities in lifestyle.

agree UQD- sometimes it just isn't going to work. I think higamous is doing pretty well in the circumstances especially as no one has actually got hurt....

Can I just point out - as the OP - that this is not an ad. It is something I thought might get a debate going. And that certainly seems to have been the case!

oh ok bankonme- it was just the way you linked immediately to IE etc that made me assume it must be!!

How do you know no-one is hurt - maybe the DH of higanmous is hurting - OK you can say he brought it on himself...

Depends on the people involved maybe the H can accept it as the benefits outweight the cons and vice versa the deception and going else where is Ok then suppose we all have to live with our own decisions but not for me.

Well even if it was (and it wasn't) I don't think this discussion will have added greatly to their membership!!

No-one being hurt ... except perhaps the other wife/family ?

Am leaving this thread now. not good for the blood pressure.

but what would you do SDD...if you were her...leave? Put up with a life of celibacy?

is higamous seeing a married man? didn't think that was clear.

oh, if she was on IE of course it would have been.

My point is probably more hurtful for her DH for her to LEAVE in search of sexual fulfilment. And as for the other family, no information to judge. People have been having affairs since the beginning of time and no matter what some people think they are not the automatic destruction of relationships.

my ex-fiance had an affair, we were not getting on at the time and it devastated me temporarily- but I now see his reasons and we are great friends. Even if there are no obvious 'reasons'- people are human- I hate this writing off of people who have affairs as less than contemptible, like murderers.

I just clicked on the link and there were 180 men and 165 women online, so its a pretty much a 50/50 split.

I never really understood what people meant about the deceit hurting more than the affair itself, but I do now. That's not to say that an affair doesn't hurt like hell, but the resentment seems to linger most about the lies told and the feeling that one is going mad. For some people, it is also particularly awful when they find out that other people in the know have been deceiving them too, although thankfully the latter did not happen to me.

It seems to me that "my partner doesn't want sex anymore" has become the new "my wife doesn't understand me" as an affair justification. That is not to belittle these awful circumstances, if true. Withdrawal of intimacy is a deal-breaker, but so is covert infidelity. It puzzles me why, when no sex is recognised as a deal-breaker, the dissatisfied partner doesn't exercise a rather different choice.

If leaving the marriage is not an option, what is wrong with sitting down with one's partner and saying that you don't want to leave the marriage, but will be going outside it for sex?

Citing the French stereotype and the Aristocracy's solution you see is a bit disingenuous, because in those lifestyles, it is very often much more open, in that the partners have an expectation that this might happen. At least if you've tried everything possible, forewarning your partner of your intentions is a more honest way of behaving isn't it?

It's a common delusion that "no-one is getting hurt" as well - even before discovery, people often hurt very much. They know instinctively that something is amiss, but can't put their finger on it.

Exactly WWIFN agingoth I hope that I haven't come over as writing people off as if they are contemptible. I do understand peoples reasons, and I'm not perfect.

gentletouch, remember the women get on for free and the men have to pay hence not really 'equal'!

btw jamie, didn't mean you- on MN there is a lot of writing off people for what might be one stupid mistake, etc. And particularly women imho.

wwifn, I agree always better if the person comes out and tells the celibate partner they are going elsewhere.

But as UQD says that could well split up the marriage too and if there are children to consider, that is no simple decision to make.

Higamoushogamous - doesn't your name come from some sort of rhyme:

higamoushogamous - X is so monogamous
hogamoushigamous - while X is so polygamous?

Correct me if I'm wrong, I read it somewhere ages ago where some comentator on social mores woke up with it in their head and they repeated it in print..

Anyway, not read all the posts, but UQD - is the deception worse than the act you ask? - in my experience, yes it is.

When your other half shags around behind your back, they are taking no account of your thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears or dreams or anything else. They are removing CHOICE from your life, making decisions for you. Lying to you because they don't see you as a real, thinking, feeling person. They are wiping you out and that is what hurts - you cease to be.

Goth, no it's not easy, but if the one withholding sex would end the marriage anyway, if the dissatisfied one goes elsewhere, that's going to happen if the adultery is discovered, isn't it? In fact that's much more likely to happen once the betrayed partner realises after the fact and also has to cope with all the deceit issues raised earlier. People having affairs often think they are bomb-proof and immune to discovery, but it's so easy to catch people out these days.

I do see that withdrawal of intimacy infects every aspect of married life and I'm always sceptical when posters claim that "everything else is fine" in the marriage. However, I do think that the real threat of a partner going elsewhere would be so abhorrent to most people that this, like nothing else before, would shake them out of their complacency and tackle the intimacy issues. This gives them a choice, doesn't it? Deceit does not.

If the withholder then makes efforts to change and the couple work on their intimacy issues, surely this is better than one of you using a sex site?

I have genuine sympathy for people living in sexless marriages, but I also have a bit of a suspicion that a one-sided sex drought is often used these days as a justification for just wanting sex with someone else.

"The main point made by members seems to be that their spouses are totally uninterested in sex." Because...?

It is the culture of self-serving liars with major ego problems who can't hack it at home because life there is real.