am i an old fashioned budiamma?

[stitch]

but i always thought life was supposed to go , childhood, youth, marriage, kids and responsibilities.
why do people have kids when they are still kids themselves?
why do people have kids without getting some sort of legal connection, ie a marriage certificate?
what is this dillydallying around, 'oh, we are expecting our first child, but dont want to get married yet?'
why do people make life difficult for themselves by trying to do everything at the same time, kids, relationship, education and carreer?

or am i just not in tune with the youth of the 21st century?

Ooh Lemonice, I like that second quote - maybe it should be incorporated into the mumsnet philosophy

Absolutely love the quotes.

I got married at 34, had my one and only child at 38, and I'm now juggling family and career (or trying to!). I left it so late, and "made life difficult for myself", because I hadn't met anyone I wanted to marry or have kids with until then.

I do actually wish that things had been different, that dh had turned up, ready divorced from his 1st wife when I was a bit younger, so that I could have had my maternity leave whilst I was still in training! It was a real PITA to have to leave my job with a locum for 6 months and then come back to chaos that lasted for over a year. That significantly contributed to my decision not to have any more kids. I am the main breadwinner, and can't give it all up and stay at home to bake biscuits unfortunately, so juggling it has to be.

BTW, I disagree with elsmommmy (I think) that "marriage is just a piece of paper". If that were the case, no-one would bother! It is a public and legally binding declaration of your commitment, and for Christians it is also a declaration before God, and receipt of God's blessing (via the vicar)on your union. For some people that's important. Not that I am in the "must be married before kids" camp, it just happened that way round for me. I accept that for many people, marriage is no longer a necessity, as our welfare system now mostly acknowledges the existence of co-habitation.

As for why I got married at all, well, I was so chuffed that dh asked me! He had gone through a particularly nasty separation/ divorce (before I came on the scene)and I took it as a vote of confidence in me that he wanted to marry me. I would have been quite happy to live together, if he wanted it.

Message withdrawn

boring, boring meeting, just returned and this was top of the list - it must be fate.

Liking the quotes.

I'm ashamed to say that I had to go and look up 'propensity'. I learnt a new word today!

Or alternatively:

"Gentleness and cheerfulness, these come before all morality: they are the perfect duties. If your morals make you dreary, depend on it they are wrong. I do not say, 'give them up,' for they may be all you have; but conceal them like a vice, lest they should spoil the lives of better men"
~ Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)
Scottish novelist, essayist & poet

Message withdrawn

Now I really like that one.

Excellent

I would like to point out that I don't have any problem with marriage per se. Some of my best friends are married . What I don't want to feel is forced into getting married on account of my beautiful daughters. They don't need legitimising or rendering acceptable.

MI, good point, well made!

I'd like to get married but for no social reasons, I'd like to be my boyf's 'wife'. I'd like to publicly show my commitment to him and declare my love for him. It's wonderful to share happiness with family and friends but equally if I ever got married it would be for him and I and no other reason including my child as she's not his anyway.

sorry, just read it back and it's compltely off tipoc.

1. i like being a single mum, seen too many couples who stay together for the sake of the kids cause untold harm and live in misery to be any other way. 2. i believe that taking responsibility for my son on my own, working, providing a home and giving him the best i can shows the highest standard of moral ability and 3. i choose not to judge anyone for how they choose to live their lives. Not only do i feel you are not in touch with youth you are not in touch with reality. Just as a matter of interest with one in 2.5 marriages now ending in divorce does thst mean your disney version of life should actually go childhood, teenage, fun, marriage babies DIVORCE, BROKEN HOMES, BROKEN LIVES MISERY AND LIES.Think i would rather wait for the right man to be a dad to my son, as opposed to make my self and him miserable with his father. p.s i am working towards a degree, own my house, work, raise my child own a car and run marathons. I feel neither unsatisfied or restricted by the miracle god gave me when he gave me my son. Its only people who havent got the get up and go to change their situation who allow themselves be trapped by it and that can happen at any age. Get the feeling i am joining the insulted brigade? oh and i am 23.

Message withdrawn

stitch what would you do if you dh left you? You would be a single parent then. And have to work probably if you didn't want to claim benefits. Things are not always as they seem.

Shall read the whole thread in a minute but to answer you question

"why do people make life difficult for themselves by trying to do everything at the same time, kids, relationship, education and carreer?"

Well I went on a gapyear between school and University (had a place already), met the man of my dreams, married him after knowing him for 1yr, got pg straight away (planned), scrapped plans to go to Uni, and now 5 1/2yrs later on we've got 2 kids, a fledgling business, and a strong relationship.......I'm now 26.

So in effect I 'did everything at the same time'..........and you know what - I don't regret it one little bit - it's not been 'difficult' at all.

"i was reading the thread about babies surnames, and i just thought id ask mumsnetters their opinions. "

I've got friends who had children a LONG time after they'd been married - and still can't decide on the child's surname LOL

"but i always thought life was supposed to go , childhood, youth, marriage, kids and responsibilities.
why do people have kids when they are still kids themselves?
why do people have kids without getting some sort of legal connection, ie a marriage certificate?
what is this dillydallying around, 'oh, we are expecting our first child, but dont want to get married yet?'
why do people make life difficult for themselves by trying to do everything at the same time, kids, relationship, education and carreer?

or am i just not in tune with the youth of the 21st century? "

I tell you what you look after yourself and I'll keep on making life difficult for myself and dilly dallying around while I'm at it.

Tsk. Tsk.

P.S. I think they call it life.

"'the way things are supposed to go'?"

Yeah the way things were supposed to go is that we'd be happily married in Zimbabwe living a very comfortable existance (not that we aren't happily married, but money is a little tight due to fledgling business). Unfortunatley things DIDN'T go the way they were supposed to go as Mugabe started letting his 'war veterans' (who were mere babies during the war) attack and kill white farmers..........

"Did you and Gwenick both wake up wrong side out this morning? "

Who's Gwenick

"i asked a question. those who felt confident in themselves and their choices chose to reply"

But you have to admit (and this is coming from someone who's good at posting 'controversial' things) that the way you asked the question could easily have offended some people??

"But then I had a clear idea of what I wanted as a teenager, and motherhood was not on the menu (says mum of two!) "

PMSL - I know what you mean..........when I was a teenager my 'plan' was to be starting to 'think' about finding a bloke around the age I am now

Could someone please explain what a buddiama is? I have never heard the term. Is it explained somewhere here?

sorry budiamma