I have caught my DH

[lighthouse]

I woke up at about 5am this morning to find my DH subtly masturbating, he was not going full hog and he had his back to me. I pit my arm out and touched his back at which point he pulled his hand out od his PJ bottoms and I heard the elastic snap back. I then got up to go to the loo and he pretended to have just woken up. I know that other people on have caught theirs doing the same, is it a man thing? He is normally a loving husband and father and I haven't caught him before.

Just feel a bit bewildered, he acted all fine this morning I brought it up and made a joke of it saying he had been playing with himself in his sleep. He laughed if off but I could sort of tell he was lying.

We have a fine sex life I think although we don't do it as much as I would like. Last night we had, had a couple of drinks and so couldn't have done IT anyway.

Has anyone else caught their chap or are there any chaps out there that can explain that this is just something boys do??

I feel a bit dissapointed that he would do this and then lie about it.

And leather breast shields.

The Relate would be for YOU. At least then he is aware that you are taking steps to address the issue, and once he knows he is being talked about, he might go one week, out of sheer curiosity.

You DO need to talk about this though.

I also suggest you go off and find your own life. Arrange a night out with a few of your friends and leave him babysitting. Join a nightclass - ever thought about learning another language? Get out there and do more. It's amazing how sexy a woman becomes once she is independent and has a life of her own.

Oh dear lighthouse - you sound miserable

I'm rubbish at relationship advice though, sorry

lighthouse - this thread is in Relationships and the problem is your relationship not the masturbation.

Just a thought about this. Does your DH find it difficult to perform in bed as he would like? You mention brewers droop, not feeling up to it, avoiding sex, bad stomach, excuses. Is he actually ill or overweight or suffering form a heart condition or low blood pressure or diabetes or just stress I wonder? All that could affect perfomance.

He is 10 years older than you and sounds to me like he has lost his confidence and just finds masturbation easier with no pressure and no judgement.

It is not that he does not want you but just does not want to disappoint or feel like a failure. It happens to older men who just suddenly find they are not as young as they were. Hits us like a truck and we are sent reeling.

If that is the case, I don't think going to Relate wil help or 'going out on your on' Sounds to me a like a deep, loving and honest talk would be better. Gettng a man to admit he is worried about his performance is the key. Then go from there with no pressure massage, cuddles, intmacy and no expectations on his performance.

The age thing might be what is getting in the way. As you get older your libido does decrease a little. It doesn't have to mean that your sex life is over though.

As mentioned earlier, try and tempt him a little. Flirt with him a bit like you did when you first met.

It does sound as though you need to talk though. If you can't talk easily together, maybe try Relate.

It would be helpfull if you could get a babysitter and have some time alone, but you don't need to go out or even be childfree to have a date.

Pop dd to bed early one night and bribe tell her if she stays in her room all night you will take to the park/swimming/cinema the next day. Then have a nice meal together, no TV, candles etc. Buy yourself some nice new undies for the occassion, if you feel sexy you will appear sexier iyswim?

An excellent, well put post ABD.

Jesus Vivia - that's very bitchy of you

Vivia she's not being needy; OP is concerned for the future of her relationship with her husband, both emotional and physical.

Hope the OP comes back and is not too upset.

Must admit i started reading this thread giggling like a schoolgirl but now we have got to the real issue, i do feel bad for the OP.

In my relationship, it was the opposite, he'd want it all the time, but i was quite happy to do a lot little DIY.

He eventually found out that i used to watch a little porn to get myself in the mood and we had a good old talk about our relationship.

Its much better now and we do have sex probably every other day whereas before it was about every 3 weeks, although i do still love a little DIY when the mood takes me

You really need to sit him down and make him realise how upset you are about this. Hope it works out for you.

Well last night he came home in high spirits, grinning like a cheshire cat. I bought him an IPOD for xmas which he had early, turns out it wasn't good enough specwise and he had bought another one with a higher storage facility, but I could have his other one as my christmas present.

Hmmm, lots of thought gone into that one then of course I lost my temper and accused him of being ungreatful and selfish, which normallly he isn't he is usually very thoughtful.

Had a mega strop not because he had palmed the other ipod off on me (it was blue though) but because he hadn't thought of my feelings ann whether I would be hurt or not.

I retreat to bedroom and lie on bed (this is all after DD has gone to bed) he comes up to ask what was wrong, he knows that I am hurt,by what he has done. I have also been bit qiuet, nothing serious but subdued the last day or so anyway and he wants top know what is wrong. I don't bring up the fiddling thing but say I am fed up of the lack of effort we both make within the realtionship.

He says he knows this and we do need to make mmore effort, by this point I am crying and he give me a cuddle. Then he says,
"wait there" disappears off downstairs and comes back into the bedroom, with a bottle of wine and is not wearing any clothes, what is on his mind is clearly obvious and we have a fab night. He has promised that we will do this at least once a week. I made a couple of jokes about sleep fiddling and if I catch him again I might have to have a fiddle too [his not mine of course].

Yes I let him keep the other ipod and now I am the owner of a blue one. He did say that I would get another xmas present too, it wasn't the thought of not getting what I wanted presentwise but the thought of him not thinking it through and how he perceived me.

So all's well now and hope he keeps his promise of one night a week in bed.

A betadad, it is ice to know that there are some men like you around, thanks for the advice. I have taken this on board.

I meant nice, my typing

Lighthouse I just read your thread - I can see how it'd be upsetting if your DH is not perhaps giving you as much...ahem...affection as you would like.

Really glad to hear he's sorting it out - to be honest I think the only way to resolve things like this is to have an honest conversation. And maybe join in if you 'catch' him again...

A nice resolution LH, sometimes all it takes is a little conversation to clear the air and get things back on track.

Aw, I love a happy ending!

Cheers Guys you,ve been great, Just need to ofload sometimes and when you cant talk face to face with someone you know about it for obvious reasons, it gets quite depressing.

DH is my best friend and when it a problem regarding him, then what?

mumsnet!

Yay!!!!

Awwww its gone all cuddly and lovely on here now!