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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have caught my DH

177 replies

lighthouse · 12/11/2009 10:09

I woke up at about 5am this morning to find my DH subtly masturbating, he was not going full hog and he had his back to me. I pit my arm out and touched his back at which point he pulled his hand out od his PJ bottoms and I heard the elastic snap back. I then got up to go to the loo and he pretended to have just woken up. I know that other people on have caught theirs doing the same, is it a man thing? He is normally a loving husband and father and I haven't caught him before.

Just feel a bit bewildered, he acted all fine this morning I brought it up and made a joke of it saying he had been playing with himself in his sleep. He laughed if off but I could sort of tell he was lying.

We have a fine sex life I think although we don't do it as much as I would like. Last night we had, had a couple of drinks and so couldn't have done IT anyway.

Has anyone else caught their chap or are there any chaps out there that can explain that this is just something boys do??

I feel a bit dissapointed that he would do this and then lie about it.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 12/11/2009 14:53

lighthouse, it sounds as though he just wants to gorge on chocolate and not have the cream cake then.

Lazy.

The best advice I once got was to tempt him whilst on your period. Wear short skirts, low cut tops, give him a friendly pat on the bum, playful kisses, really get him in the mood and then when you're going to bed, mention that you're on a period. By the time you've finished your period he'll be gagging for it!

whoisasking · 12/11/2009 14:53

ahahaha! Rhubarb! I take offense.

LH - Sorry, but sometimes threads get a bit hijacked and silly. I think you've had lots of really good advice on here though, you should probably ignore the silly stuff. We're only playing.

morningpaper · 12/11/2009 14:53

sounds like you need a proper talk with him about these things. Couple's therapy can be really good for providing a neutral environment for this sort of thing. Would that be a possibility?

BitOfFun · 12/11/2009 14:55

Was going to overshare then, but there's enough of that about

Defluffmyfanjo · 12/11/2009 14:55

Rhubarb - you can have sex when on your period you know!!!!!

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 14:56

We have had endless discussions about it and he has agreed we need to make more effort things are good for a while and then it just slips back into the old routine again.

I am still young I try to keep myself smart for me and for him, there is more to this too but I am scared I will look like a right loon.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 12/11/2009 14:57

Dang, that's what I was going to say

whoisasking · 12/11/2009 14:57

Ah, so now we're coming to the crux of the matter (so to speak)

I'm wondering if this is a new thing? The drop in his libido?

BitOfFun · 12/11/2009 14:58

Oh dear, sorry. I'm sure there will be people with good advice about it along soon- hope it works out for you.

Rhubarb · 12/11/2009 14:59

YOU slaaaags may have sex whilst on your period, but as my period usually resembles a bloodbath, I'd rather not thanks!

Malificence · 12/11/2009 14:59

LH , you have to talk to him if you feel he's not meeting YOUR sexual needs - you sound a bit resentful, so there's obviously some underlying problem.
Sex can be a bit of a stumbling block in relationships, it's honestly worth a bit of embarassment to talk about it and sort out any issues. If it helps, try talking to him
in bed, in the dark.
It sounds like he's drinking too much if he can't get an erection after drinking - that's not good for his health and ED could become a regular feature.

If he only wants sex on his terms, when he wants it, he's selfish and inconsiderate too.

BitOfFun · 12/11/2009 14:59

I am a slattern, it's true.

Rhubarb · 12/11/2009 15:00

lighthouse, he sounds a bit like my dh. We're now down to once a fortnight.

My dh is lazy in the bedroom and I'm just as much at fault by putting up with it. Book yourself a session at Relate and then tell him what you've done. If you are both inexperienced then you'll both need a bit of help to regain your confidence.

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 15:02

Well, its sort of mental but his mum only married his dad because she was pregnant, after he left home at 18, they split up and only stayed together for his sake. We have a 5yr old and I worry that she is the only reason he stays with me. He went away for 3 weeks recently and I got the impression he missed her more than me. I am not jealous of their relationship and love to see them playing and the way he is with her, but it sort of heightened my worries a bit.

Sounds paranoid doesn't it.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 12/11/2009 15:04

I can't read unclenobby as anything other than uncleannobby, wtf is wrong with me today? I need a good strong cup of tea.

Defluff, I'm always alarmed on MN when women admit to having sex mid-period. I can only get intimate with a hot water bottle and a family-sized bag of maltesers.

OP, were your sex drives originally quite matched? Is it a recent thing his lack of interest or can you pinpoint any particular time? I think couples therapy is a good idea but possible that he might not agree to that. Do you get time together outside of parenting where you can sit down and chat about all of this.

Mal, I don't know about graphic but all this whiskey/flavoured lubes/I want to buy this outfit/he likes to whack it between my thighs/there's blood in his spunk stuff is fairly pictorial is it not?

whoisasking · 12/11/2009 15:04

No, it doesn't sound paranoid. It just sounds like you're not communicating with each other very well.

Are the other areas of your relationship good? Do you have a laugh, have you got stuff in comoon, do you go out together alone much?

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 15:05

Noooo therapy is a big no no, he doesn't like to share at the best of times, let alone to another person.

We had DD after we had been married about 5 years, I think it has just got worse over time.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 12/11/2009 15:06

lighthouse it doesn't sound paranoid, it sounds very understandable

I would really recommend talking these things through with someone

Aussieng · 12/11/2009 15:07

No - it does not sound "mental". If you think there is a problem in your relationship then there is a problem. Never ever let yourself believe that you are imagining things or mental or that the question is whether "we" have a problm.

Insecurity is terribly damaging to a relationship whether this is about your DD or your sex life. You need to fix this by talking or by counselling. Without a VERY open relationship or counselling, sex is a very difficult problem to fix when you have been together from such a young age as you and your DH have.

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 15:08

We don't go out together much anymore no family support, I am not sure I want to go over the old ground with him again. We have been there many times.

OP posts:
Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 15:08

he is 10 years older than me too

OP posts:
noddyholder · 12/11/2009 15:09

Join in?

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 15:10

Not sure how he would react to that, think he might pretend he didn't know he was doing it.

OP posts:
unclenobby · 12/11/2009 15:19

well it ISN'T very clean now you come to mention it, which is why I like to give it a good shake every now and then.

LeQueen · 12/11/2009 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.