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Original poster

I have caught my DH

177 replies

lighthouse · 12/11/2009 10:09

I woke up at about 5am this morning to find my DH subtly masturbating, he was not going full hog and he had his back to me. I pit my arm out and touched his back at which point he pulled his hand out od his PJ bottoms and I heard the elastic snap back. I then got up to go to the loo and he pretended to have just woken up. I know that other people on have caught theirs doing the same, is it a man thing? He is normally a loving husband and father and I haven't caught him before.

Just feel a bit bewildered, he acted all fine this morning I brought it up and made a joke of it saying he had been playing with himself in his sleep. He laughed if off but I could sort of tell he was lying.

We have a fine sex life I think although we don't do it as much as I would like. Last night we had, had a couple of drinks and so couldn't have done IT anyway.

Has anyone else caught their chap or are there any chaps out there that can explain that this is just something boys do??

I feel a bit dissapointed that he would do this and then lie about it.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 12/11/2009 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spicemonster · 12/11/2009 11:39

Do you think there is a connection between him wanking and you not having as much sex as you'd like? I'm just wondering if that is at the root of your dismay ...

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 11:40

Spicemonster, yes that also concerns me.

OP posts:
Malificence · 12/11/2009 11:45

I did wonder if that was the real issue here.
You should have an honest talk with him without being defensive or accusatory - simply say that you understand if he wants to masturbate , but masturbation should be a part of a healthy sex life, not a substitute for one.
If , for example, he was masturbating every day but only wanted sex with you once a week or even less, then that is a worry as he would be acting very selfishly.
Does he turn you down regularly when you want sex?

nickelbabe · 12/11/2009 11:48

lighthouse, please don't take it to heart when the girls laugh or scold: they're a bit mean, but mostly harmless.

they're not sure if you're joking because we normally use the smileys down the bottom to show what we mean. if you're being silly, if you're being a bit naughty or suggestive etc.

on a serious note, it's prefectly fine that DP has a go with himself sometimes: he's most likely thinking about you anyway, and he's just practising.
i know where you're coming from, though, because i feel uncomfortable with doing it myself, so i can't see why someone else would need to. but it's a man thing and he probably was doing it automatically.
and it looks like he was trying to spare your feelings, as he didn't want you to think you weren't enough for him.

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 11:49

Sometimes, claiming he is tired or has a bad belly or other things. I find this hurtful, naturally I don't expect it all the time and yes people get ill but if he prefers that to me then there seems to be a problem.

OP posts:
whoisasking · 12/11/2009 11:50

LH,

Firstly, IME masturbation and sex with a partner are very different and one does not tend to impact on the other IYSWIM.

Secondly, I don't think you've been "torn to shreds" to be honest. One poster was a bit...vociferous, but has since apologised.

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 11:51

Thank you Nickel, it actually upset me to get so many nasty comments, I don't have anyone else I can turn to and certainly not about this sort of thing.

Nice that someone actually understands, really don't get how some women can be so spiteful.

OP posts:
spicemonster · 12/11/2009 11:53

I don't think it's an either/or thing when it comes to wanking vs sex for most men - they often seem able to be able to separate the two.

So if I were you I wouldn't talk to him about the masturbation thing at all but I would talk to him about the fact that you feel like he's making excuses to avoid having sex (was also a bit confused about you not having sex in your OP because you'd had a few drinks).

electra · 12/11/2009 11:54

Crikey, I thought this was going to be about an affair!

Agree with RnB.

PotPourri · 12/11/2009 11:54

LH - I too would find the situation you outlined weird. Yes, most people do it, no big deal - but if it felt weird to you, then you need to get it sorted. Probably best to have a lighthearted chat about it with DH next time you are having a few drinks. Don't make a big deal out of it, but probably best to raise the thing about being turned down for the 'real thing'.

Maybe a bit of spice in the bedroom, or a bit more laid back approach would suit him better right now.... dunno, you would need to find out from him.

I think people have been a bit unkind on here. But do take reassurance from the fact that the act itself is so normal to society these days.

Original poster
lighthouse · 12/11/2009 11:55

Brewers droop and he can never be bothered after a drink so I don't even initiate it.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 12/11/2009 11:56

Should point out that I am not from Norfolk, nor is DH but somehow one day we stepped off the edge of the known universe and found ourselves living here. I use the term living very loosely indeed.

DH is in possession of two very normal hands and what I can only assume is a normal penis although I have never taken a survey of Men And Their Appendages to prove this fact.

I do find it a bit strange that anybody can make sweeping generalisations in any area relating to sex/gender. I am a little more perturbed at the accusation that dh is lying when he says he doesn't masturbate. Well, actually he does, when single, which he isn't and hasn't been for 11 years. Why would he lie? I have no problem with it, in fact I find it rather, erm, interesting but he says it doesn't do anything for him beyond a release and he would rather get that in other ways while he's in a relationship. What's so unbelievable? Our relationship is built on trust and honesty, even when it's admitting to something that either one of us wouldn't be too keen on. I don't give a flying monkey's testicle if he masturbates or not and he has no reason to lie about it.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 12/11/2009 11:59

I wish my DH would do it more. Honestly at his age one should not be having sticky PJs once a fortnight.

Although what I'd really like is if DH was using up his excess energies on me. Fat chance though with a sleeping baby in the middle of the bed. Very effective contraception though

ShinyAndNew · 12/11/2009 11:59

Mastrubation shouldn't, and more often than not, doesn't adversely affect your sex life. Infact many sex therapists believe that it can help a sexual relationship. If the man mastrubates regularly it can make him perform longer during the act of sex. And can give him more control over ejaculation.

I wouldn't worry about him starting to prefer that over you. It is an entirely different sensation. Sex is far better than a wank. Which is probably why DH sulks when I am not in the mood and send him into the bathroom/bedroom to entertain himself. Even you wanking him is better than him doing it himself, as you can't feel what he is feeling, your stroke will often be slower and steady, where he would speed up when he is close to climax. Which means that orgasm he would get from you doing it is longer and more intense.

If you already feel you are not getting enough sex, have a chat with him. I suspect it will have more to do with him being tired/stressed than with his extra curricular activites

Tracy Cox wrote a great book about sex, which is informative and has lots about mastrubation. I cannot remember the title but if you can find it, it would be worth a read. It also gives you ideas on how to improve your sex life and approach the subject of lack of sex.

I think maybe you are being laughed at might have something to do with the language you are using i.e calling sex IT. It is making you come across as niave and immature and maybe a little embarrassed by sex? Sorry if you feel insulted by that. That was my intention. Both sex and mastrubation are perfectly normal and healthy and nothing to feel embarassed or ashamed about.

SolidGoldBangers · 12/11/2009 12:00

It's not true that everyone, or even every male, masturbates, though a large majority of people have generally tried it at least once. Some people are helplessly psychologically crippled by superstition into believing that they will burst into flames if they ever consider any kind of sexual activity enjoyable rather than procreative. Some people are love-fetishists and therefore can only get sexual enjoyment when sexual activity involves love so solo sex doesn't appeal.
ANd some people have very low libidos and simply aren't interested.

ShowOfHands · 12/11/2009 12:01

lighthouse, you had an honest reaction to something and asked about it. It's very hard to read tone on here and I don't think people intended to upset you. It was a surprise and the issue of wanting more sex is separate from your dh masturbating. Have a chat with him and be honest. I hope you believe people on here when they say that it's not a criticism of you or an either/or choice. However, somebody in a relationship feeling like second best should of course address why that it is and try and resolve it.

ShinyAndNew · 12/11/2009 12:01

Sorry toddler climbing on my knee that was not my intention.

ShowOfHands · 12/11/2009 12:04

Oh to burst into flames. It just does nowt for me. Nothing. I wish it did. I'm missing a gene I think.

spicemonster · 12/11/2009 12:05

V good advice from shinyandnew

PoppyIsApain · 12/11/2009 12:09

I understand LH, it happened to me the other night, scarily same time 5am, slightly different, TTC and i had wanted sex but he said no, he was tired, this was at midnight, when i 'caught' him, he was wanking himself watching porn on youtube! I was quite upset but he said it makes him tired and he couldnt get to sleep, after reading some posts on here i now believe him, although i wouldnt of been angry if he wasnt watching porn on bloody youtube, it seems just pervy.

Malificence · 12/11/2009 13:03

Men's testosterone is at it's highest at 5-6 am, so a morning fiddle is quite common I'm sure - my hubby is always hard at that time in the morning, I'm barely concious then but if he wanted a play by himself then fair enough, but he usually prefers a bit of frotting, (or is it frottage?) between my thighs.

I don't agree that it's NOT an either or choice sometimes, it seems like some ( selfish?) men do prefer wanking, especially to porn, than sex with a very willing partner - there have been enough unhappy women who've posted on here about that very thing.

If he's wanking but not wanting sex, then it is a problem on some level.

RealityBites · 12/11/2009 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wantsomesleep · 12/11/2009 13:30

PoppyIsApain - I was really upset when I found DH masterbating while watching porn too. I don't think I would have cared if he had just been wanking, it was the porn bit that got to me. This was pre DC, and we were having sex almost everyday anyday anyway, so I really didn't get it. I have just had to accept that it doesn't mean he is unsatisfied with our sex like (well he probably is now as we don't as often since DC), but that sometimes he feels like a wank when I am not there, and when he does, porn helps. I still don't like it, but hey ho. I'm not a prude by the way, and we sometimes masturbate in front of each other before having sex, but I just don't like him watching porn

Malificence · 12/11/2009 13:38

Of course it didn't work Reality!
4-5 times a night is the average, that's how you know they are in full working order.
He was wanking for you ahhh, how sweet.

I shall be insisting on my hubby doing it - just had a letter from the docs and his 1st sample isn't bloody clear of sperm - 14 weeks post vasectomy! it's only supposed to take an average of 20 ejaculations to clear out the tubes it's been a lot more than 20, I can tell you.
I want to know where the little buggers are hiding????? He's now got to do another 2 samples, god getting the 1st one was hard enough! He just couldn't get "there" IYSWIM , it took nearly an hour and we ended up having sex to enable him to "produce" - having him lie there drumming his fingers while I gave it my all was really flattering. And the sample ended up with (my) blood in it because I thought I'd give him a bit of a treat while I was out of action. He said he felt so "used", oh how I laughed!