Beautiful's Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

[BEAUTlFUL]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether we were dating, cohabiting or married, we are now to use therapist-speak well effed-off about the whole business and are desperate to regain our fabulosity.

Well, this is the place! This is where we regain our positivity, our self-confidence and eventually our mojos. We might think at the moment that we'd also like to regain our men, but that might not last long, as we'll soon realise that anyone who could put us through this does not deserve us.

Come in and start regaining your brilliance! I will be setting us exercises to complete that are based vaguely on self-help books, beauy tips and Feng Shui, or we'll just have a right good bitch until we feel completely drained and sick of the sound of our ex's names. Whatever works.

Oh StartingOver, you've put me right off now. How crazy is that?

But I guess it just shows us we need to take it slow and be careful. Nails and legs can wait for now.

Despite this I will dabble on-line but not give mobile I think.

Starting over men are just proud of their cocks I had that too and I just blocked him from there on in and he went away don't give up just yet.

Anyway I am shooting off out to pick up my new kitten but I just wanted to share with my fellow dumplings OMG OMG I had sex !!!!!!!!!!!!

I know what I said and I know I wanted to be good but I just could not resist, never ever before found a bloke that likes going down on a woman ( TMI??) but he loves it, and yes I stayed over and he brought me coffee and toast in bed.

He is coming over later to my house empted to frantically clean it but decided he probably not coming to look at the house.

On a low note I am going to lunch at the soon to be ex inlaws house which is littered with pictures of my ex's 24 ( I am 46) year old girlfriend .. god I hate him and god she is welcome to him but it will probably knock this huge grin of my face.

Must dash but i will check back later to see if you are all throwing bricks at me for giving in to sex on a second date

Am dashing, OMG Loobie, you lucky, lucky bit*h. Am proud & envious of you all at once. Anyway, enjoy girl, you deserve it. Don't worry about pics at lunch, just visualise newbies tongue on you clit & you'l be fine. Ya, for Loobie.

Caramela, do you have one of your great one liners to text dickhead?

Oh sorry Startingover, just got on here now. Do you mean to text the Phantom Erection Texter ? How about ' Good Lord, has anyone ever told you that looks just like a penis ? only smaller ' or ' I don't want to alarm you but that inflamed patch just below the glans looks very similar to the initial stages of syphyllis ' or ' I'm very, very sorry ' or ' Next time don't send me a photo of your hamster's penis ' or ' Has it always been that shape ? '.

Hope I've been some help.

Hello fellow Dumplings, I've just caught up with your latest news .

Loobie, you go girlfriend ! ( turns briefly into Gok, then slaps self ). Remember you're just using him to satisfy your wanton lust.

Fluffy sounds like toad is trying to make you jealous if you ask me - little does he know you now have a heart of stone where he's concerned. Dishy doctor ? not many of them about - good luck.

Hello Mummytowillow, don't be too hard on yourself, it takes time but at least you can hang around here, swear a lot, obsess about oral sex and join in with our positive visualisation hour.

Waves to Mutha and Ifyou'rehappy.

I am now about to go on Plenty of Fish in search of my own pervert, wish me luck.

Caramela, thanks for that, any of them should do the job. Hope you have better luck than me on the fishing site. After my fiasco this week, and following the confessions of how many men are out there that do not enjoy sampling the female clit, I'm seriously thinking of availing of the services of my eager puppy type again!

Sexually he ticked all the boxes, satisfaction guaranteed, I know him very well & can trust him, he knows it was only friendship & sex.....

LOOBIE YOU SLUT! I only appove of such wanton behaviour as you have been going through a horrible time lately and a damned good rogering has got to be more theraputic than Prozac. But please be safe! I know he's a cunny-loving shagstar to you but he's still just a random off the Internet to me, so PLEASE BE SENSIBLE.

startingover, i am going to ban you from using the word 2clit" any more today! Do you know you have typed it like 78 times?? For god's sake, please just ring up the Puppy and get him over for some action!

not 2clit, obviously. "Clit". God, you've got me saying it now!

This thread is making me feel towards my own chaste choices. I didn't even snog Womaniser. Hmm.

However, spurred on by the hot sex action here, I've arranged a date with a new Match bloke for Wednesday night. He is coming to my town (because I don't drive for men, dahlinks) and we are going out to drink wine. He is divorced with 2 kids and looks nice in his photos. I won't be shagging him senseless, because I'm boring.

Am still very keen on wanky old Womaniser, who emailed me on Friday but has still not asked me out for another date. I could move things along by asking him, but that won't change his feelings towards me, so I won't.

I was just staring at my mobile on Saturday and willing him to ring. I had to give self a talking-to: "He knows you're gorgeous, he knows you're funny, he knows your number." This is new mantra, and not empowering at all, just depressingly realistic.

Go for it Startingover, if only I had access to eager puppy type, I'd be bent over the kitchen table right now, well, once I'd got rid of the kids anyway - I do have some standards.

PoF update - had first message, apparently from a horse (ok, a man on a horse ) who is unable to punctuate. Move along sonny, nothing here for you .

Caramela: I am still dying at your suggested text reply, "I'm very, very sorry". My ribs actually might be broken now.

PoF is awesome for getting you lots and lots of messages. Sadly all mine seemed to be from illiterate 17-year-olds who just wanted to shag m... Hang on?? What the fuck was I thinking of, deleting them? HOLD ON YOUNG 'UNS, I'M A-COMING!

Fluffmeister, I love your feisty new 'tude towards HeadFuck. Absolutely top-notch.

MummytoWillow - hello honey. Please come in, sit down, and feel free to kick startingovernow if she says the words "clit", "swirling tongue" or "till he drowns".

The only way you're going to get over your H is to lose the hope. honest, we've all found that. at the moment it feels nicer to cling on to hope, because it makes it all a bit less real and upsetting. But you have to let it go. Sit down tonight and tell yourself that he is not coming back. He's not. He's gone. that part of your life is gone, over, finished.

It will hurt like absolute batshit agony, but then - soon - you'll feel your first waves of feisty "I'll show you, you fucktard" sassiness coming up. And that's when you start walking on the Road To Recovery, Online Dating and Text Photos of Erections that we're all currently on.

Beauty, Womaniser is probably used to being chased - he is sitting at home in his Austin Powers' style shagpad all confused by your aloofness - by not chasing him you are exponentially increasing your allure.

And there's new Matchman to divert you in the meantime.

Nothing boring about not shagging 'em at first. I would say ' different strokes ' but it sounds a bit smutty, heaven forfend.

Beauty, if you ever write a book may I suggest ' Road to Recovery, Online Dating and Text Photos of Erections ' as the title - I'd buy it.

Caramela, do you think Womaniser is getting keener by my refusal to ask him out? I hope so. It is killing me. I laughingly told him, ages ago, that I was free on November 28 and he said "it's in the diary", so I am half-wondering if he'll contact me about that... But isn't it pathetic if I'm still free on that date? That's the date of the Mumsenet London Meet-Up, and I'm tempted to go to that instead.

New Matchman asked me if I'd like to choose the venue for our drink, and I said "Not if you're feeling manly and decisive!" so he did, bless him. And he chose the exact pub I was thinking of suggesting. And he sent me his mobile number, presumably so I can text him pictures of my erect nipples?

I sent him my number too, and will add any texted pictures of stiffies to my profile.

I will now proceed to get all emotionally invested in this one instead of Womaniser and ex-husband.

I absolutely do think he will be getting keener, you are messing with his mind, girlfriend - you can just imagine his little womanising brain pondering why he isn't getting his end away as usual.

As for it being pathetic still to be free on the 28th - I have ONE social event coming up and that's it, zilch , nada, zero ( however, I will be dressed like a hooker for it so if I get no attention then I may as well just give up ).

Also, mea culpa, I'm blaming myself for setting the cunnilingus ball rolling yesterday .

Do you think the Phantom Erection Texter uses displaying himself as his normal opening gambit ? I could be wrong but I think he has 'ishoos' .

He just has lots of tishoos, I'd say. For wiping the man-spatter off his mobile.

Am meeting NMM (New MatchMan) on Wednesday at 8pm. I will leave the pub at 9.30 to get home to watch TrueBlood (to which I'm addicted). This will leave NMM gagging for more of my company. I will then agree to see him for Sunday lunch

OMG I'm so jealous of you all with your dating exploits and very very jealous of Loobie's action. I'm getting desperate.

Startingover how shocking for you with the dodgy text. Did it not titivate you in any way at all!! As if it would! Also, how did you get to the point of having sex with eager puppy type? I'm intrigued about how the subject first comes up (oooerr!) I think I'm going to grow old and grey and it's going to grow over! Don't think I'm every going to have sex again.

My life is very boring compared to yours and I have nothing to report whatsoever. Just work, kids, more work and more kids. I have gone onto dating for parents but haven't done a profile or anything. Just quite fun looking at profiles of all the losers men on there. Nothing inspires me and don't actually want to meet anyone but as you might have gathered I do want sex (will have to entertain self).

Have been missing xp loads again recently. I've got a picture of him in my purse and keep looking/crying at it. Sad or what. Just battling with myself not to contact him. Still can't quite accept he's gone for good.

Beautiful, you new Match man sounds good. Keep playing the field and the same for you Mutha!

Are you all absolutely gorgeous and young and thin?! You must be as you seem to be doing really well on the dating front.

I feel too fat and ugly to attract anyone at the moment. I know, I know, I shouldn't be so negative about myself but hey, it's how I feel at the moment. Can't imagine anyone wanting to sleep with/go out with me.

Need some self confidence back I think.

Lambypoo no I am far from gorgeous thin and young I am 46 so on the slippy slope to 50 and I have wobbly bits

I think you just know yourself when you are ready to have a bit of fun on the dating front, and it is a bit of a distraction from thinking about my ex and his young girlfriend that has had no children and probably therefore has a washboard stomach

Beautiful yes I know total slut behaviour and if I were giving myself any sort of advice I would say no don't do it, But the thing is it's done now and he has been round for a coffee whilst my son was on his driving lesson and we managed to literally just have coffee

The lunch with the in laws was okay but ruined by dreaded pitures of the replacement me grinning at me from the picture frames but I managed not to show it, had a bit of a cry in the car on the way home but my son said 'don't worry mum you are far prettier than her' I suspect he wants money from me but hey it cheered me up a bit.

This evening going to slob in front of tv watch x factor results show and if Jedward don't go out I will be aghast!