Beautiful's Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

[BEAUTlFUL]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether we were dating, cohabiting or married, we are now to use therapist-speak well effed-off about the whole business and are desperate to regain our fabulosity.

Well, this is the place! This is where we regain our positivity, our self-confidence and eventually our mojos. We might think at the moment that we'd also like to regain our men, but that might not last long, as we'll soon realise that anyone who could put us through this does not deserve us.

Come in and start regaining your brilliance! I will be setting us exercises to complete that are based vaguely on self-help books, beauy tips and Feng Shui, or we'll just have a right good bitch until we feel completely drained and sick of the sound of our ex's names. Whatever works.

How long do I leave it before I cave in??

I'm out later for an hour with a load of 18 year old rowers! This should be interesting

Fluff, here are your rules:

1. You never reply to inane texts about his day. "Oh I'm just going into work", "I've just had a poo", "I'm breathing", etc. These don't warrant your time. (Would you reply if SomeoneUgly texted you about such matters?) If he wants replies to these fascinating snippets, he can marry someone and pay her mortgage in return.

1. You speak to him when he starts saying thrilling stuff. Eg: "Would you like to come for dinner with me this weekend?"

1. You never respond to computer-based communication, like IM, texts or emails. He has your phone number, he should use that. All the other stuff is lame - keen men use the phone so they can hear your lovely voice.

1. Don't believe what he says. All this "Jealousy doesn't work on me" stuff is . It works on everyone. He just puts that out there so that girls give him what he wants (non-stop ego-stroking). Don't fall for it. But...

1. ...Do listen if he says he sees you as a friend, or talks to you about other women. These are very big clues that he does NOT currently want to put his choo-choo into your lady tunnel, and so move on. If your elusiveness and lofty distance makes him realise what he's lost, he will ring you and ask you out on a date. Everything else is just la-la-la.

Thus endeth the Fluffster's Rules of Dating.

"we would ask people to give it 5-7 dates if you enjoyed each others company"

Crap -- there's no way I can afford all those new dresses.

Thankyou. He's not spoken about other women, he has said he'd like to meet someone though if this counts. I've left a FB status update saying how much fun I'm going to have tonight (not just for his benefit). I shall follow your rules and let you know how things go.

He does talk about his ex's a bit though, bad and good bits.

Hello? Anyone about? You're all on Match or Fish thingy aren't you!!

Was out last night so didn't get to catch up with you all.

Yesterday was a really great day - not one single tear! Today, total crap I'm afraid. Feel like I'm letting you lot down. I think it might have been the nod from my soliitor that my new place won't be ready for another month and my current accommodation runs out next week and can't be renewed thus leaving me homeless. Oh crap what am I going to do?

I am deeply ashamed to admit that in a mad, wailing, upset moment of loneliness I did this really stupid thing. I drove to his place and sat in my car (he wouldn't have been able to see me by the way) and stared at the back of his house with all sorts of alternating murderous and loving thoughts going through my head.

What the fuck did I do that for? There was no way I was going to knock on the door or anything like that and would have been totally mortified if I'd done something like that. I guess I just wanted to be near him. I told you, I am the saddest, most tragic one out of all of you. When am I going to stop feeling like this? I love him and then hate him, lust after him then despise him. He was so good to me when we were together, which makes it so hard for me now.

Sorry ladies, I have let you all down tonight. Please feel free to have a go at me.

You're grieving for your relationship lamby, you are allowed to do this, it's not there anymore and it's devistating. Take some time, work out what it is you want from life now. Pamper yourself and pick yourself up. Some really fantastic person is out there for you somewhere, it wasn't him.

I caved in aswell, I called mine, he was asleep and was happy to hear from me, even if he was half asleep and not with it. I said I'd see him tomorrow so he could go back to sleep

Thanks Fluffy - just so crap isn't it. How did your eve go with the young rowers? Is it the one who wants to be friends that you called tonight? You secretly (or not so secretly!) sound quite keen on him. What's your game plan now then?

I can't remember what your original story was from the beginning of thread but you sound like you're over the worst of it.

I fear I may be going to bed and howling (quietly!) myself to sleep again. You know what, the word grief really seems appropriate. I feel like someone's died.

I couldn't go. I was about to take ds to the babysitter, looked at him and his cheeks were red so I checked his temp, it was 38.5 so I stayed in. The rowers are a distraction from my 'friend'. I'm smitten, we went out a few times, just walking, then he said he just wanted to be close friends as he wasn't sure if he was going to leave the city and go home (he moved here for work), I gave it a week and said I'd like to try anyway, then he came out with the 'I just see you as a friend, I don't have that spark any more and I can't get it back' spill. We talk every night and are too close for friends though, there's alot of flirting between us both, he wants us to be really close though and to support me I'm just confused, I am trying to date people though but it's not what I want to do.

You are grieving, the relationship as you know it has changed, it's difficult.

Evening ladies. Beauty you need to get this ship back on the road, us remaining dumplings have had to face double rejection, first by our dumpers and now by our fellow dumplings who have abandoned us in our moments of crisis to pursue the misfits of society that do lurk out on match & fishy & other such places. Return to your primary purpose fellow dumplings, supporting your fellow dumplings & raising their spirts with tales of your adventures in the land of misfits.

Beauty, well done to you on the date & dress (i bet the dress will give you more pleasure in the long run though).

Lamby, don't despair, you are not alone. I too feel exactly as you do today & in fact could have wrote most of your post. Have spent the day secretly wallowing in grief. I also confess to having checked his email & voicemail tonight in a moment of weakness. I had begun to move on months ago but now that he has resumed contact I seem to be plunged back into despair, self pity, grief, etc. etc.

I also purchased a nice dress today, as a gift to self, as I am such a worthy person who was dealt a shitty hand by the gods that be (must owe karmic debts for past life sins, hope to fuck they're all paid back not.......... oh ye gods above, please hear my plea I have suffered enough can I please now be dealt a nice hand......... please).

Beauty, just loved this, must remember it for future use 'want to put his choo-choo into your lady tunnel', brilliant.

Fluffy, DELETE HIS NUMBER FROM YOUR MOBILE, that way next time you are hit by a moment of weakness it will not be so easy to give in. Elect a close friend for such situations & tell her you will be ringing her when you feel the weakness coming on & she is to tell you in no uncertain terms to preserve your dignity & keep away (this is what I did mts ago to protect self & works a treat, except for odd occassion like tonight when I just said fuck it & checked messages anyway)

Fluffy, no intended, your just a struggling dumpling like the rest of us

Yeah, I'm a dumpling. Only problem being the dumper is still around, persistant sod!

Ya,but once dumped, twice shy & all that.

yes, I need to do something with him though, he's quite obviously getting too dependant on me if he's texting to tell me what he's doing every day. I am quite smitten though so it's going to be hard, he's either with me or he's not. I don't talk to my other friends every day, if I don't start talking then he does so it's not a one way thing, just confusing.

Morning Fluffy

Well what's happened ? any more texts from your man friend or did you cave in and text him?

5-7 dates OMG well okay I will try he has gone to Portugal today for a week sent me quite a cheeky text which took me by surprise maybe it is always the quiet ones that are secretly naughty! I'll see how it goes on date 3 and then rethink my course of action ( ha I'm sounding like I have a plan...I dont just bumbling through life hoping for the best)

Beautiful yes £4k for a face lift is a bit OTT for a first date plus the bruising won't have gone by tomorrow bit of a giveaway really how about one of those hairstyles that pulls your hair so tight that your face is pulled up with it? No? okay thats it you'll have to go as you are and I'm sure you gorgeous anyway so like you say chin up tits out and go for it.

Today I am trying to have positive thoughts and pinning a smile on my face even though tomorrow marks 6 months of singledom for me I think i will buy cakes for the office celebrate my liberation from a complete ar*e twunt.... woo hoo I'm free I can do what I like

Dear fellow Dumplings, I haven't abandoned the sisterhood to go looking at the vast range of in-demand sexpots on dating sites - on the contrary, I went to bed early and lay in a (possibly swine flu related) mucusy pit of self pity.

In the spirit of sharing and not worrying about looking like a total buffoon here's what I've been driven to -

When first dumped in the summer, I bought myself a pack of socks because they were like the ones he wears.

This time I have created an email account in the name of an ex ( original love of my life ) solely so I can email myself and say to Bollock Face ' It's probably just as well because OLOML has been back in touch and I didn't know how to tell you '.

In the summer he went back to his mother's to inflict his self-loathing on her and I looked up the address on Google maps and spent a lot of time looking at her house on Street View in a great cloud of misery.

So there you go, that was cathartic,not admitted any of that to anyone before- I hope my madness has comforted you.

Caramela ((hug)) not mad at all just all part of the process we go through to get them out of our hearts.

I hope you were launching imaginary bombs at the street map view and not just miserable.

I have bought things that my ex hated like toothpaste in a pump tube and handsoap in a pump container rather than bars of sop that go all slimey, in a small way i feel like I am getting one up on him every time I wash my hands or clean my teeth ... pathetic i know but thats my mad mind exposed to fellow dumplings.

I'm sure we all do these things and if it helps us get through then good.

Morning all - hope everyone is good this morning.

Lamby and starting.. it is grief. It's grief not only for the person who has left but for the life that you had - the life of the smug married/partnered. I thought I'd be Mrs MavisGrind til the day I died with all that entailed - nice life for me, H and the dcs, enjoyable retirement to look forward to. Then it's all gone. Now we have uncertainty about how our children will cope being the product of a failed marriage; how I'll ever really cope financially and ever be able to buy a house of my own; how I will manage as isioI'm hurtling towards 40 with no pension provision; how I may possibly be on my own for the rest of my life.

All our complacent certainties have been whisked away so too right we're grieving. It's going to take time.

Whilst typing last post I had a phone call from the uni I was hoping to do teacher training with. Despite having two degrees they won't consider my application because I only got a C at maths 22 years ago.

I'm so upset - this was my grand plan. How am I going to do this now. How the hell am I going to do this.

Hi Mavis - post before last very well put about grieving for certainty (you articulated what I'm feeling) - I think that's what I'm doing when I stand by back door at night staring at the moon (having crafty cigarette) worrying about the future. Like you looks like I'm in private rented for ever.

However would rather have that than my rubbish marriage. I do feel liberated in many ways.

Re the uni - who rung you - was it admissions or an academic - if the former would try to get through to the Course Director to plead your case.

Thanks sincitylove. Good suggestion re Uni. I know it's hadr to get on the courses nowadays but everyone has been telling me what a brilliant teacher I would make - it seems so ridiculous for the sake of one 'o' level grade from 20 fecking years ago! Will try and contact the course director.

Caramella - so pleased it is not jsut me that doews these things - keep looking at Google earth pictures of where he is living -not for any reason just looking and wondering if he will use the greenhouse in the garden. blew up the photos of his earlier life to look at backgrounds and try to work out where they were taken - noticed for the first time most of the pre me ones had odd bits of other women, such as an arm where you could see he had edited them to remove them! Expect I will be edited out of the next lot.

First weigh in tomorrow after 7 days of being on very easy diet - have gone off my food and have a cold. Still feeling pattern of being quite OK one day, or for a few days, then bang, it all comes back again.

I caved in and called him loobie. It was 9:30pm though so a good 8 hours after he sent the text, he was asleep though, he normally doesn't answer the phone if he doesn't want to talk, he answered, half asleep, I offered to let him go so he could go back to sleep, he said no, had a quick chat about work, he wasn't with it at all so I said I'd see him today instead. He seemed quite happy to hear from me so I'll see how it goes.

The camp bloke has asked me to go for coffee again.

Well fluffy I probably would have done the same the trouble with me is that I feel so rejected that as soon as a bloke throws me a crumb of interest I'm so damn grateful that I end up bending over backwards to please them.

Glad that he answered and had a quick chat though or you would have fretted all night probably.

Go for coffee with the camp guy,better than doing the ironing and at least he'll probably pay for the coffee