Should I tell

[handmedownqueen]

My lovely DH that I went to bed with an old friend. I love DH and have no excuses for it except a mini midlife crisis and feeling a lot of stress at present with work kids etc. Drank far too much and succumbed. It wasn't even much good and certainly made me feel I was missing nothing. I'm not going to benefit anyone by telling am I?

We have actually lived more of our adult life outside the restrictions that comes with being in a forces family than within it, my husband came out of the airforce in 1995 so I've had 14 years of normal "civvy life".
I don't subscribe to the view that anyone, given the right opportunity, can or will cheat, you either will or you wont, it's either in your nature or it's not.

I really don't think the OP is a terrible person, but I do think that what she did is far worse than a simple error of judgement.
She still hasn't been honest enough to tell us her husband's views on infidelity and honesty, his are the only views that matter in this situation. They should be the defining factor in what she decides to do.

I think causual sex is absolutely fine and dandy when you are single, my 19 year old daughter is probably having plenty of no-strings sex at Uni, after having the same BF for 3 years since 16 - she had the guts to end that relationship in the knowledge that she no longer wanted to be committed to him, she could have strung him along ( he was devastated by her ending things) but chose honesty instead.

Her husband deserves the truth - if full disclosure ends the marriage, it's very sad but that's often the price you pay for infidelity.

Bollocks- utter bollocks Mal.

You "condone" your DD possibly sleeping around, or having no strings sex at uni, yet take this attitude to a woman who has "sinned" once.
I wonder if you are a tad jealous that you have only had one lover? Worth asking yourself that maybe. The phrase "you doth protest too much" comes to mind.

I am a lot older than you, my DD is 21 and at uni and I would not encourage her to have no strings sex, for all kinds of reasons.

You seem to have double standards.

If you had had more of a life before marrying when you were still a child, you would see the world very differently.

Mal if u read my posts instead of just ranting at me u will see I have told u what I believe my H reaction would be
I have found this thread useful and see no benefit to telling him. He would cope. He wouldn't end our marriage but it's me that needs to take a long hard look at myself, why I did it, come to terms with it and learn from it.
Don't u think I have an overriding duty to my kids to limit the fall out here? I don't think in the scheme of things it's such a big deal. I'm human made a mistake and I will learn from the mistake.
Perhaps u secretly subscribe to the views other societies take of adultery or you hold religious beliefs condemning such actions as evil? Dont judge me by those standards. This is a blip in a long term happy relationship that I need to learn from.

and actually i do think the op has been open and honest aobut how she thinks her h will react - she thinks he will forgive her but want her to (in her words understandably) give up her job.

Mal - have you never ever done anything that you felt is totally out of character?
I know i have and it is a very hard lesson to learn - to think you know yourself and then suddenly find that maybe you didnt after all.

I think it that always learning new things about yourself and if in a long term relationship about them that is the interesting part of life.

I think i would hate to think there were never going to be any 'surprises' either good or bad about myself or my loved ones.

I love it when i have a discussion with friends and my pov is altered somewhat.

well done handmedown.

It is your right to make that choice - it may not be for everyone - i still think i would tell but then my marriage has been through a lot anyway. And i certainly dont think you are wrong in your decision.
Good luck with the learning about yourself now .

As long as my daughter is safe, happy and single I'm perfectly ok with her having sex with whoever she fancies ( not when drunk however!).
How is that double standards?

Jealously doesn't feature in my views, my marriage is more special to me because we've only ever slept with each other. If my husband died tomorrow I'd never let another man touch me. I hate the thought of my husband having other lovers if I died but I'm realistic enough to know that he probably would, although his dad was widowed at the fairly young age of 56 and he hasn't slept with anyone since.
I realise I have extreme views - believing in fidelity even after one's partner has died is fairly unusual I'm sure but I don't expect anyone else, not even my husband, to think the same way.
Happy woman - I've never done anything out of character, I'm far too "in control" for that kind of nonsense, never even been drunk.
I don't like surprises either, it will probably all come flooding out one day and I'll murder a lot of people in a psychopathic rage!

PP - I experienced more life before the age of 16 than most people do in a lifetime, I'd be here all day with my traumatic childhood. Yes I'm hard and without much compassion, I had to be to survive but I've mellowed over the years with the influence of my very caring and compassionate husband.

mal,just to correct your pomposity-your marriage and your relationship is no more important or special than my relationship with my partner.It is to you but just because you were a child bride with nothing to compare it to makes me feel a bit sorry for you with your grand proclaimations of undying love (on behalf of not just yourself but also your husband and your father in law??! really? you actually talk about this garbage???)
if (god forbid)your husband died tomorrow you'd go to your grave untouched by another man well you're either both doing it wrong/don't like sex and have 'issues' around it or you are brainwashed into some jumped up romantic ideal which frankly,isn't real life and i hope to god for your sake he never ever looks at another woman,i think you'd bleeding never recover....

Mal- your views are utterly extreme and the more you post- which you continue to do so with vigour- the more apparent that is.

You would do well to advise your DD about safe sex and the fact that not all STIs are prevented by condoms. You would also be advised to warn her that for some people too much casual sex can erode self-esteem. And that men usually are able to be emotionally detached about sex.

As for being "faithful" to your DH if he dies first, how on earth would you know how you would feel then?

If I were to die young, I would wholeheartedly hope my DH would find someone else rather than live a celibate life. and he would want the same for me. That is what love is- not the possessive sort that you seem to have.

If you don't mind me saying so, your views are not just unusual, they are "brittle" and unbending. That is not a virtue- it is a fault.

As for having had a hard life before you were 16, well, hadn't we all- but that can mean we develop in one of two ways; with compassion a nd understanding, or uptight, harsh ,judgemental and bigoted. You sound as if you could do with therapy to be honest.

hear hear tsc.

As for your FIL, Mal, my DH is one year short now of his age when your FIL was widowed- how the hell is it a virtue or something to be proud of to live a celibate life after your partner is dead? You are mad. sorry.

pp-she's the one with the really really really special marriage-the one that is so inward looking they have no empathy/consideration for others not living in the same,rose tinted glow of blissful ignorance of a first love relationship.
All i can assume is that they've grown up together and probably wear matching fleeces at weekend while wandering round supermarkets holding hands...
(mal i am slightly taking the piss here dear)

Mal is just bloody lucky never to have been hurt, tempted, deserted, or any of the shit that touches most people's lives. I hope she has heard the proverb "Pride comes before a fall."

I am not sure i would want to know someone who has never ever done anything out of character. That is spooky. Maybe that is why you seem to have such little compassion for other people - or seem to.

Please put my mind at rest and tell me you are not in a 'caring' profession.

I had enough hurt and desertion in my childhood thanks, more "shit" than you can imagine, such as my birth mother dying of breast cancer shortly after my birth and my adoptive mother being killed by a drunk driver in front of my eyes when I was 5, then my adoptive father remarried when I was 9 , he decided I wasn't his responsibility any more so I was passed around the family like an unwanted pet until the age of 16. Grim enough for you? Oh, and my step mother informing me that I was adopted shortly after she married my father.
Can you perhaps see why I think that secrets and lies are so bad? My family was full of them and no good ever came out of them.

Forgive me for having a "knight in shining armour" complex when it comes to my husband - he and our daughter are the only good things in my life.

Nowhere did I say that it was a virtue to be celibate, I merely pointed out that it is possible, not good or bad, just possible and my daughter has plenty of self respect thanks.

We don't actually wear matching fleeces btw.
We have also had a couple of very rough patches in our marriage too, but we have managed to work through our problems without resorting to being unfaithful.

I think I've shared too much.

Mal- given your life story I would advise you to have therapy if you haven't already. You are wearing the scars for all to see- you have not recovered, you have reacted in a way that is making you hard and intolerant.

You are existing in a little bubble and if god, forbid, it bursts one day for any reason, then I don't know how you would cope as you appear to only be able to function within very very definite boundaries where nothing can touch you, and where you never have to question your thoughts.

I agree
I hope that as i get older i will also get wiser - i wish my grandchildren to look to me for guidance as i will have hopefully had a fair bit of experience of life by then.

And actually i like the fact that i am still 'growing' and 'learning'.

My mum is rather intolerant of other peoples views, - she is a lonely old lady now whose opionion i would not seek. She too had a tragic childhood - and never really addressed it as such. pity really but i know i can not change her.

mal,nobody was asking you to share all the things you did. Just asking for some compassion for someone who's cocked up (literally)
your husband is just a man,and human beings are fallible-your lack of understanding of how people can fail or disappoint themselves and others is a bit of a worry. Anyone on a pedestal that high (although i can see why you have him on it tbh) has got a long way to fall if he ever does.

Mal, walk away like I did.

I'm all for healthy discussions and sharing other people's views and commenting and discussing the pros and cons of them but I'm not bored or naive enough to buy into slagging off other people's beliefs just because they are different to my own without resorting to childish name-calling and nastiness.

I may be wrong, although I don't think I am but I'm not sure you have resorted to any name calling on here. Shame other posters can't hold their heads up and say the same.

I also don't buy into the uneduacated, blinkered view that it's because we have only been with our dh's that makes us think the way we do. On the contrary, I would have thought that made us more likely to understand someone straying in their marriage!

I can't speak for you but it's been bloody hard here at times during the last thirteen years (plus the two we lived together) to keep the marriage alive and thriving!

All I can say is, thankfully we're not all the same!

Now walk away and ignore the people that bring mn down to a very sad level.

And finally, yes, finally from me anyway- it is obvious Mal why you married so young- you were looking for love and your DH offered you what you did not have as a child. Your marriage was an escape from a lonely childhood.

But instead of condemning people who are not perfect, or as controlled as you are ( though the type of control and morality you live by could be seen as a protective shell, where you avoid thinking about the alternatives) you would do well to show undersanding- not bitterness and intolerance.

helsbels,while mal hasn't name called she's done a lot of 'her children should know what she is' (what is she? what do YOU think that means?) you've already made your minds up and have closed them to any further discussion which is really sad as it's actually quite healthy to have a discussion and an exchange of views-us slags and slappers are entitled to an opinion too you know?
and cut the bloody dramatics- you aren't really flouncing because of this are you?

thesecondcocking, firstly, I do feel for the children and I do care about how they would feel when or if they found out but why didn't the op think of them when she slept with someone else??? If she was so drunk that her children or husband didn't enter her head at some point when she cheated on him then I'm surprised she remembers it at all. Isn't it too late to be worrying what they will think of her now?

I most certainly haven't closed my mind up - although you and pp certainly seem to have as neither of you have shown any understanding for the other side of the argument! I stated a while back that my dh, when I asked him, said he wouldn't want to know either! That really made me think but it still hasn't changed the way I am or feel. I appreciate that different people see things different ways.

Also, i'm quite happy for healthy discussions and exchanges of views but there has been nastiness from certain posters which belongs in the playground and I'm just not up for all that crab tbh. You've labelled yourselves as slags and slappers - I certainly haven't resorted to that!

I just can't understand why people get married if they can't or don't intend to buy into the whole package that involves committing yourself to that one person. Forever.

Finally, I'm not sure if you've read all my posts but I did state earlier that I've only just come back to mn because very few people seemed to be able to hold any sort of decent discussion without resorting to playground tatics and name-calling but it seems in my few months away, nothing much has changed.

Shame.

like i said before - until you have been there you have no idea what you would do.

I was 'happily' married (we too had had our fair share of ups and downs) for 17 years and lived together for 3 before that, when my h had his affair.
EVERYONE thought we had a good marriage - even ow said so on one brief exchange of words . And actually he then thought it was good enough to fight for and came to his 'senses'

I thought it would be a deal-breaker for me - but after a lot of work on myself i realised that i could actually 'understand' what happened.

It does not make it right but it showed me just how 'human' we all are and i have to say i am pleasantly surprised that i did after all have that forgiveness 'gene' that i never thought i did.

"why didn't the op think of them when she slept with someone else???"

This is a very important question, but it is also water under the bridge at this point. It behoves the OP to ponder this in a very clear-eyed manner.

I just can't understand why people get married if they can't or don't intend to buy into the whole package that involves committing yourself to that one person. Forever.

Hels

This must rank as one of the most simplistic and possibly naive statements of all.

Most people do get married believing that. But people change, life changes, the reality bears no resemblance to the dreams we had for ourselves, we have weak moments when reason goes out the window- just like eating that cream cake when you know it will make you fat- but you can't say no. That's not to say that eating a cake is the same as having sex, but it is the same as not having the ability to say no.

Sex is a very poweful appetite- those of you who don't understand the OP, who admits it was wrong, can never ever have been tempted. Some people say no, others don't- it doesn't make them bad people- it just means they had a moment of weakness.

You say that you don'tlike name calling nad stopped posting- Idon't like people who cannot for a moment understand the fallability of human beings, expect them to live up to their own high morals, and sish out the dirt when they ask for advice.

So if the op asks a question of, "Should she tell....?" and I answer with my personal opinion..... how exactly does that equate to "dishing the dirt"?

What does marriage and the vows you take when you get married, mean to you peony? Are you married?

Does it mean that you intend to stay faithful but hey, you might change,or life might change but for now I agree to be faithful to you etc etc?

If you don't believe that you can stay faithful no matter what then imo, I don't think you should get married in the first place. You must know your own mind when you're on the verge of marrying, surely?

Oh and I understand completely the fallability of humans. My dad cheated on my mum after nearly forty years of marriage and yes, she did forgive him and stayed with him. I couldn't understand why she chose the path she did but I respected her for it. I think living through that enables me to know my own mind and how I would react faced with the same situation. Don't you?

It's the willingness to throw away everything that the innocent spouse has worked to build over the years that really hurts. And telling that spouse is another huge risk. No matter how the spouse responds, his or her life work is left fallen down around their ankles when they first learn. To gamble once with someone else's life and all they hold important is unbelievably foolish, but to do it again is reckless.