Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just found out DH having affair and I'm remarkably calm!

76 replies

scodgie · 28/10/2009 08:52

I've been in a bit of a loveless marriage for a while. A few months ago I asked him outright if he was having an affair as all the signs were there and he looked me in the eye and said 'no'.
I did a tiny bit of digging today as his behaviour recently has been odd to say the least and found an incriminating email which he can't lie about.
My only dilema is to divorce or not to divorce???? We have 2 lovely DS and I don't want them to suffer. I am not considering divorce because of affair but because of being shut out and lied to. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
notaloud · 28/10/2009 08:55

Divorce. You do not love him, and he has lied to you and had an affair. Say it out loud to yourself.

Will your kids thank you when they grow up and realise you stayed with a man who didn't respect you? I don't think so. Get out now before it gets messy.

Well done for being calm. You can get through this.

lighthouse · 28/10/2009 09:38

D I V O R C E

How many other chappies are there out there that might actually appreciate you for what you are.

One day your kids will be grown up and left home, you will be on your own, miserable.

Its tough on the kids agreed, I went thorugh it with my parents when I was young but my mum has remarried so has my dad. I am a stable happy individual who has been married myself for 11 years and in the realtionship for 13.

Divorce had no affect on me whatsoever in the longterm.

Nice that you are thinking of your kids though. He clearly isn't.

BarbieLovesKen · 28/10/2009 09:42

Are you really ok?

Tillyscoutsmum · 28/10/2009 09:45

I'll probably get slated but I'm not sure divorce is necessarily the only option. The loveless marriage is more of an issue tbh (and the affair is probably a symptom of it).

Why is it loveless ? Is it salvageable for either of you ? Would you consider counselling ? Is the affair "serious" (i.e. does your dh even want to give things another go or is he contemplating leaving for the OW).

Divorce isn't the worst thing in the world (I speak as a divorcee and a child of divorced parents) and if neither of you are going to be able to be happy in your rl, then moving on is probably the best thing for both of you. The dc's will be fine

Mamazonabroomstick · 28/10/2009 09:45

i think that if you don't divorce the loveless marriage will just erode into a bitter and hatefull resentment.

that cannot be anything but harmfull to your children.
It is far better to have 2 seperate but happy parents than a couple that hate each other.

You do seem calm, im in no doubt you will find a time when you do get upset and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Original poster
scodgie · 28/10/2009 09:49

Thanks for the replies, quite surprising they all say to divorce.
I'm really ok, it's quite liberating to think of a future where I am in charge of most of what I do (when DCs aren't ruling the roost!). I have played the part of loyal stay at home wife for too long.
The biggest thing to conquer is telling my parents and his parents, but none of this is my fault so I shouldn't feel guilty.
I'm not looking forward to the whole process of seperating and divorce though.
Just off out to buy a new will as at the moment it's all left to him. Don't worry I'm not expecting anything sinister to happen!!!

OP posts:
countingto10 · 28/10/2009 09:50

The very nature of affairs means you are shut out and lied to. And there are a number of reasons why you are being very calm atm - believe me that will probably change in the next few days.

Have you confronted your H yet ? If so, what has he said ?

The bottom line is do you really love him and want to make a go of your marriage ? Marriages can be saved after affairs but it is a long and painful road (embarking on it myself, 5 months down the line and we do have a better marriage - it was a big wake up call to both of us).

FlamingoBingo · 28/10/2009 09:54

I would say to try and sort out the marriage, as a first action. You need to ask him how he expects your marriage to work if he's not honest with you. Are you honest with him?

Seriously, you both need to get talking properly and honestly and try to work through this. Is your marriage loveless because you've got stuck in a rut? If so, you two need to work hard, together, to try to get out of that rut for all of your sakes.

Divorce should be a last resort IMHO.

Summertimefizz · 28/10/2009 09:56

If you think there maybe something to salvage how about Relate? Try and get behind why you're both in this loveless marriage and is there anything you can do to repair it. Of course the infidelity has to be addressed as without trust there's nothing.

Notaloud is right you can get through this, DC's adjust so make sure your decision is for you.

Keep strong...

LaurieScaryCake · 28/10/2009 09:57

Where's the love gone?

Buried under domestic stuff? All gone on the children? Bored with each other? Dislike each other?

Figure out where its gone first.

Lizzylou · 28/10/2009 09:59

I agree with Flamingo and Summertime, divorce should be the very last course of action.

However, you do seem very calm, perhaps this was the catalyst you needed to either seperate or to work at your marriage?

Do you think you could work at it? Do you want to? Staying together only because of the DC is unhealthy imo.

ChocHobNob · 28/10/2009 10:02

I think your surprising (to you) reaction to the affair is because of the way you discovered it. Because you had your suspicions first so you kind of set yourself up for it to be the truth. Probably a totally different reaction to if he had sat you down and told you.

Plus the anger and hurt will probably all come out soon ... possibly directed at him when you finally confront him.

I personally believe your marriage could only survive if you both want it to. You could decide now that you will give him another chance, but the truth of the matter is, until you confront him and find out his own feelings ... reconcilliation may not be a choice.

It's good that you are thinking of every avenue and please do not feel any bit of guilt when you reveal all to family and friends (and I think you absolutely should, after speaking to your husband). You have done nothing wrong. You deserve all the support available.

xxx

mother3 · 28/10/2009 10:02

prob not sunk in just yet.The hurt and anger must be waiting to come out even if it has been a loveless maraige for a while.A friend of mine has been through something simular and still married and her children grown up now but she has had a lonley life and although her children are grown up they say she should of left him but alas like many people stay living 2 gether for convinence but both not happy.THey have been married 37 years now and are like strangers.They have both wasted their lives .He might even leave you and that would take the decision out of your hands.GOOD LUCK.

Tortington · 28/10/2009 10:04

you have been in a loveless marriage for a while. You deserve to be happy.

sherby · 28/10/2009 10:08

Divorce

Just for one minute close your eyes and think about yourself, not your children or your DH or his parents/your parents but YOURSELF.

You owe it to yourself to do everything you can to have a happy and fulfilling life where YOU are loved. This is how your children will be happy. Think about when you were a child/teenager is that what you dreamed about for yourself? a loveless marriage and a man who is cheating on you and your family?

No it probably isn't.

So get out, DIVORCE and be happy

FlamingoBingo · 28/10/2009 10:11

I don't understand why people think that, in order to be happy, you must get divorced!

Surely a happy marriage is preferable? So wouldn't it make sense to work on seeing if you both want and can work towards a happy marriage?

No one's saying 'put up with it being shit', they're saying 'work positively to change the marriage before you resort to divorce'.

No wonder the divorce rate is so high if that's what everyone immediately thinks to do when things are sour

DuelingFANGo · 28/10/2009 10:14

Personally I would rather divorce than live with someone who broke marriage vows and had sex/an emotional connection with another person while still married.

Surely he is the one who should have worked positively to change the marriage instead of seeking comfort/sex elsewhere?

Tortington · 28/10/2009 10:14

in your situation i would divorce and find someone who loves me...eventually.

i wouldn't work at a marriage where dh has been unfaithful. I understand that as human beings we all have our different limits as to what we will put up with

dh had been clear from the start, i won't put up with that

sherby · 28/10/2009 10:14

Why should she try to make it work. Honestly I don't get why people flog themselves to try to get a failing marraige to work. You really have to know when to quit sometimes.

This man, that she married, who promised to love her and respect her, that she had two children with and lived with and loved is CHEATING ON HER. He is lying to her, lying to their children, making a mockery of the life that they have built together.

Why SHOULD she try to work at it.

ChocHobNob · 28/10/2009 10:15

I agree Flamingo.

OP have you both ever tried to fix your loveless marriage or just got stuck in a rut?

Although ultimately, it's not a choice you can make without discussing it with him first, because he might not want to continue in the marriage.

FlamingoBingo · 28/10/2009 10:17

Um...because that's what you promise when you get married

Anyway, I'm not saying she SHOULD or that the onus is on her to do all the work, but that divorce is not always the only option and she may find a great deal of happiness in working at her marriage which may have gone very stale just from being ignored because of having young children to focus on.

Marriages do take work, and talking, and honesty, and bad patches. If bad patches don't get acknowledged and dealt with immediately, they spread and take over the whole marriage.

I'm just sad that so many people are saying the only thing to do is to divorce, when it isn't the only thing to do and may cause even more sadness.

Tortington · 28/10/2009 10:17

indeed sherby.

its not like he forgot their anniversary.

FlamingoBingo · 28/10/2009 10:17

And yes, I totally agree that you must both want to make it work if you're going to go that route. You'll never make your marriage happy if he's not on board too.

Tortington · 28/10/2009 10:18

pretty sure dh promised to cherish and love me

i dont think they are compatible with fucking other women...personally

sherby · 28/10/2009 10:18

LOL at marraige promises.

I think that went out the window when he had SEX with another woman