just found out DH having affair and I'm remarkably calm!

[scodgie]

I've been in a bit of a loveless marriage for a while. A few months ago I asked him outright if he was having an affair as all the signs were there and he looked me in the eye and said 'no'.
I did a tiny bit of digging today as his behaviour recently has been odd to say the least and found an incriminating email which he can't lie about.
My only dilema is to divorce or not to divorce???? We have 2 lovely DS and I don't want them to suffer. I am not considering divorce because of affair but because of being shut out and lied to. Any thoughts?

Well, if you're going on the 'tit for tat' option, then fair enough. But if you think that two wrongs don't make a right, and you believe in your marriage, then you try and make it work, don't you?

I guess it all depends on your view of marriage.

Some marriages can be repaired and improved following an affair. Just because you feel infidelity = divorce doesn't mean everyone does.

No-one can tell you what to do OP. You know the choices and need to decide for yourself x

I don't think its tit for tat at all

I think some things you shouldn't be expected to forgive. Do you really really think that her husband could have any respect for her if she accepted this and took him back. I don't, I think he'll be thinking happy fucking days what a mug. Because he can't have had much respect for her in the first place to sleep with someone else.

I would divorce over an affair, absolutely 100%. In a past life I have worn the affair T shirt more than once and wouldn't wear it again. No man is worth it. It's a personal thing though, some people can work through it and for some people it's a deal breaker.

The hurt from this will start to sink in over time.

Are you going to tell him that you know? Do you think that he will try to wriggle out of it? (many do, even with black and white evidence thrown at them)

Maybe before you try to decide anything, you need to talk and see how you feel when he relays his side of the story to you?

You feel excited at the prospect of being on your own/without him. You don't love him. He doesn't love (or respect) you. He fucked someone else more than once and lied about it.

It's a no-brainer

It depends a bit on why you think your marriage was loveless before. If it was a case that you fell out of love with him, then it's not that surprising you are taking it calmly. If you don't love him or want sex with him, then there;s no reason why it should bother you who else he is having sex with.
WRT divorce, setting aside the couple-love/sex aspect, how is living with him otherwise? Is he pleasant company, does he pull his weight domestically? Basically is it reasonable or feasible to negotiate a new relationship where you live in the same house but are free to have other partners if you wish to, or do you think a clean break would suit you both better?

i think only you can decide and you both need to sit and talk. hope you are ok xx

Agree only you can decide

Agree with SGB that there's no 'rule', no 'have to' about what shape you want your relationship to be, if you think that renegotiating is an option, and if you think it's possible to move forward

If you don't want to do that, that's a completely valid choice too

But it's your choice

I don't buy that if you stay you somehow lose your self respect

My self respect is dependent on NO-ONE else, thank you. Don't feel that you have to rush into a decision. If people judge you, that's just their opinion.

It is hard enough rebuilding a marriage after an affair when there is still love between you (and a hell of a lot of regret on their part).

Rebuilding when you didn't really have much to start with will surely be harder?

OP - I suspect your calmness is actually acute shock. I was in your position 13 months ago and I also remember the calmness of the first few days. It took a while for the anger and sadness to kick in. Like you, I had some suspicions and he also looked me in the eye and denied it - even treating me to a grandstand speech about how much he adored me.

Looking back, although my instincts were very strong, my rational side just couldn't believe that he was having an affair - so when I discovered texts on an old phone and then did a bit more digging (online phone bills) the shock was acute. I remember the physiological reaction very clearly - heart pounding, going very hot and then very cold, the adrenaline and the near hyper-ventilation. I do think the body and mind goes into a fight or flight mode at these times. Some of your calmness might also be a sense of jubilance (weird, I know) that you haven't been going mad all this time and that you were RIGHT.

This will pass and other emotions will kick in. It's impossible to advise you personally, since we don't know how you really feel about your H. What I would say to anyone in this position is not to be rushed into a decision while shock is still present. You obviously need to hear him out, but what I would also counsel you to do is to find out as much as you can before you confront him. People caught out like this have a nasty habit of only admitting to what they think you can prove - so do your homework. When you've heard what he's got to say - if he wants to re-commit to the marriage and wants to give up OW - tell him you'll take some time to think.

Then do that thinking - and watch what he does. If he ends it with OW immediately, this is a sign of commitment - if he hedges his bets until you decide on the next move, you have your answer about the future of a relationship with this man.

Rebuilding a marriage after an affair is the hardest route of them all and is not for the faint-hearted. I can't imagine how anyone undertakes it without deep love between the couple - and it should never be done for reasons other than wanting eachother. The children's stability is of course important, but staying just for their sake is never wise. FWIW, I knew why I was staying - and it wasn't for the kids.

My H has been the most adoring, attentive and contrite partner ever since - but I still find it impossible some days to reconcile staying with someone who lied to my face and treated me so badly while the affair was going on. Once someone has deceived you like that, it is very hard to move on.

I was v calm too when DH said he wanted us to have a trial separation. We'd been unhappy for a few years. The upset came later, but not half as much as I feared! Now it's 2 months on and I'm a bit "flat" feeling but really, really OK.

Don't terrify yourself that one day you're going to have this HOOGE collapse of pain and despair. You might do, but don't sit there dreading it.

if you haven't been into him for ages, and if your first emotion was relief, I think you'll be fine. Plus (Warning: Deeply Immature Bit Approaching) remaining calm is the best way to really piss your DH off! That matter-of-fact, "So who gets the Welsh Dresser?", jaw clenched to hide a yawn, as opposed to wailing heartbreak.

Sorry to mix this up a bit but it you are so calm about it, then maybe it was over a long time a go.

I'm not justifying his behaviour, but if you are this matter of fact about there being no love there then perhaps this is why he is looking elsewhere.

Before you slate me, we do not have the benefit of his version of events so it hard to get a balanced view of this.

It may be shock, but I'm with SueMunch - you actually sound a bit pleased and relieved? Maybe he's taken the cowards way out of a loveless marriage and you feel you can now get divorced because this is his fault without having to deal with the loveless marriage bit.

Children suffer in unhappy households IMO so make them the focus and maybe the loveless marriage can become the civilised divorce.

Can I just clarify that I don't think the OP SHOULD rebuild her marriage, but not to discount it on the basis of nearly everyone on here saying 'divorce'. If she thinks her marriage has a chance of being saved, then she needs encouragement.

V good post from WhenwillIfeelnormal. I think it is very true that when caught they will only admit to what they think you can prove.

Get your evidence together before you say a word, credit card bills, telephone bills, go through his pockets, wait until he is asleep and go through the phone, bank accounts etc etc.

This is what my friend did, she then printed it all out highlighted the 'affair' bits left them on the dinner table and wrote a note saying,

sorry not cooked dinner tonight darling
ps I want a divorce

It may be that you and your H will decide there is something worth salvaging and think about Relate or whatever to try and get things back on track.

However, I think there is no harm in taking some practical and legal steps/advice to help you take a bit of the control back, and so that you have got things started should the marriage deteriorate further and you want to get out quickly.

Your situation sounds very much like the one I was in about a year ago. Found out about my wife's four year affair. I was strongly affected and felt betrayed. The situation was messy because DW was in love with OM, and didn't know what she wanted to do. I decided to give her space to work out what she wanted (against the advice of many). She ended the relationship and we went into counselling. We realised that, like you, we were essentially in a loveless marriage - we were good friends and loved each other platonically; enjoying each others company. But, sex was never fulfilling and we didn't really engage with each other romantically (we do have two DCs, though, so it's not a physiological problem).

I think that you should trust your feelings, but I do think that you should at least try counselling (assuming that your DH is willing), before going down the divorce route. If nothing else it will allow you to work out how you really feel about each other. This last year of trying to work things out has been hard, and we've decided to seperate as we don't think that there's anything but friendship to salvage. I know that I wouldn't have been willing to consider seperating without the counselling, but then it was the counselling that made me realise the truth of our situation.

And to echo other posts, your children will not want thank you for staying together in a loveless marriage. They'll feel betrayed when then find out (and they will find out).

Hello. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a horrible position. I am in a similar position, but a bit further down the line.

I would say to you that you are running before you can walk. Divorce is a very final step and not something you should enter into unless it is TRULY what you want, and the only way to know that is to give it some time.

If I were you I would probably ask him to move out for a bit (tell the kids he has to stay closer to work unless they are smart!), Work out days he can see them and get a taste of what life without him would be like (and give him a taste of 'single' life without his family' and see if you miss each other.

Set aside some time to talk calmly about what has gone wrong (note you say a bit of a loveless marriage, suggesting there is hope?) and try and let him explain to you what's going through his head first. Then you can pitch in! YOu just both need to get an understanding of what has happened and give yourself time to work out what to do.You don't have to decide now. Tough ask, but you also have to ask yourself how responsible you have been for this 'loveless marriage' too.

If you did want to try again, he would have to jump through hoops to win your love and trust again; if not, prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions, but know the old cliche of time and healer is true.

Good luck x

OP - One of the things I'd also try to do is to timeline exactly when you think your marriage started to become "a bit loveless".

People about to embark on an affair engage in a practice which I had never heard about before, but since joining Mumsnet, I have seen it over and over again. They start to withdraw from the marriage, to create a "gap" to allow the affair to happen. My H had been in contact with OW for about 10 months before he actually agreed to have an affair with her. It's all part of the justification process, so that when they finally do start a proper affair, they've managed to reduce their marriage from what it once was.

I have E mails from around the time this all started with my H and I was saying to friends then that I was feeling unsettled and unhappy, but couldn't put my finger on why this was. On the face of it, everything was pretty good, especially my business, which was in a real "up phase". I put it down to autumn blues, a bit of a career crisis (business was great but I wasn't really enjoying work any more), worry about secondary school choices etc. - but absolutely not my relationship with my H.

His withdrawal was pretty subtle, you see.

During the "active phase" of his affair, this withdrawal became much more overt - his behaviour at home was actually appalling, hence me confronting him in the end.

About 2 weeks before I found out, he was monumentally insensitive about a business setback I had endured (unfortunately for me, throughout the affair, my business suffered one setback after another) and at that point, I remember thinking that he wasn't the man for me any longer. So the night I found out, although I wouldn't have described my marriage as loveless, I would have said that were some real problems.

But the real unhappiness started when he tried to make the gap - before that, although we'd had ups and downs, we were actually in a very loving "up" phase. In fact, the last time I remember feeling genuine happiness was exactly the month before OW got in contact with him...

What I'm saying is, don't let your memory play tricks on you. Timeline this and ask yourself some searching questions.

Excellent advice whenwill...I am thinking timeline and things just make sense.

OP just don't rush anything. Be very kind to yourself and take as much time as you want to make any decisions.

Love can be got back.

An affair doesn't have to mean the end.

But both of you have to want to be together and put the work in.

Hi! Thanks for all the messages. It's now the end of the day.....and I'm still calm!
I have sent him a text to say that later we need to talk about xxx(HER!) and he's still trying to deny it! He doesn't know I have read the incriminating email yet.

I have tried in the past to get him to attend marriage guidance. I have also written him a very pleasantly worded letter to say how I feel but he doesn't seem to want to know.

I've had a long day talking things over with my very supportive sister and realise that for the sake of my happiness and lifestyle as much as my DCs I need to get out of this marriage.

Who knows what this evenings 'chat' will bring.

Best of luck, Scodgie.

You sound like you already know what you want and just needed to say it out loud.

Yay!! you go for it, bloody arse, bet its been cushy for him all this time having a skivvy to bring up his kids make his meals clean his house change his bedding. Oh and make sure you get some cash off him for your trouble.