So dp says those words that I have been dreading 'We need to talk'

[squirrel3]

Then he carries on 'But it will have to be next week because I am 'busy' now! WTF!!!!

I am so blooming angry I can't begin to describe how angry!

You couldn't see him for what he really is because you have a kind heart and took him at face value.

It will get better, honest!

I think I am really afraid of growing old alone and to me he represents my last chance (rightly or wrongly).

I am getting weak moments of thinking 'but he is only being like this because of the grief' but I know if it wasn't this there would be another reason to act the way he is and in his mind it would all be my fault too!

'but he is only being like this because of the grief'

You see, even if this were true, it still makes him a bad bet. Events like this happen in life, you have to be sure your partner will be with you through good times and bad, not just when there's nothing at all on the horizon - because let's be honest, that's pretty rare.

Good point josie, and I must say, squirrel, that saying he's only like this because of grief is probably wishful thinking.

He's like this because he's an arse, as he has proved.

I'm going to be hard here and note that you say "in his mind it would all be my fault, too". You don't know what he's thinking, and this is symptomatic of still being involved with him emotionally. The only person he's thinking about is himself.

As for your fear of growing old alone; this could happen anyway, and I'm not trying to minimise this as I know what the odds are for me with no-one close here in Oz, and zilch likelihood of returning to the UK.

Deal with it. Plan for it. Be sufficient to yourself.

Only just seen the latest posts.

I am a prize fool, I found myself sending him an email, what on earth was I thinking?

Why am I so bloomimg weak when it comes to him?

As Annie said, it is natural to want a hug when you are hurting to turn to the one person you have been turning to, even if that is the one that is now doing the hurting.

I am so blinking annoyed with myself!

I have let myself down, Arrrrrrrrgh!

Squirrel - you are not weak, just human. I have to fight myself every day not to text my xp. Like you say, he was my very good friend and it's probably that that hurts the most. I miss him in so many ways.

Accept that you've e-mailed him and don't beat yourself up over it. Just resolve not to do it again and forgive yourself for it. You are hurting and that's why you did it.

Guess what - it is their loss if they can't handle the decent loving people we are. I sympathise with your wondering what you've done to attract bad men. I've been the same although I don't think my xp was a bad man, just a screwed up one (which doesn't excuse cruel behaviour by the way).

Look after yourself well and do some nice things that you know give you pleasure.

Thank you lambypoo,

I hope this feeling goes away soon, don't you wish you could just fast forward to a time where it doesn't hurt so much?

Squirrel
You arent weak at all, as Lamby said, you are human.

Sending emails, texts, turning up on doorsteps (dont want to give you ideas are all part of the rocky road to healing after a break up.We know its better not to but I think many people do. Dont be too hard on yourself. Just dont do it again. Give youself a firm talking to!

Have you made plans for the weekend? Did you say you are seeing a friend?

You know yourself that its not about the grief- he is just an arse hole and looking for any excuse to end the relationship.

When i was in your shoes 5 years ago, someone gave me the advice of taking very tiny baby steps each day and not thinking beyond what was necessary. I found this enormously helpful in not thinking about the long term future - if I did, I too panicked about being alone and old.

Be kind to yourself. v

Thank you, unfortunately I can't afford to go and stay with my friend (she lives quite away from me) I am on disability benefits and this close to christmas I just can't afford the train fare. I was incredibly touched that she offered though.

I don't have plans for the weekend, I can't really think much beyond today. I don't really know what I can do on my own. DD will be busy with her family, DS with his girlfriend. I have lost touch with a lot of friends over the years, its funny how living with a Chronic pain disorder and becoming disabled can drive people away. They just can't cope so they would rather walk away...

Hi

Just replying to the question you asked of Lamby.

The pain does go away and gets less but its a gradual thing I cant tell you it will go overnight.

I asked a friend the same thing and she said months to me- I was horrified at the time as I was climbing the walls. She was probably right however the pain lurks and becomes easier to handle before it goes away.

Try and give yourself time to grieve for it if you can

Well we landed up having a very public 'talk' on facebook, I appologised for some of the comments I made on there yesterday and deleted them. He commented back and so on, he wouldn't accept my appology and me saying how sorry I was. OMG! I even told him I loved him, right there, right on facebook for everyone to see!

Talk about self-distruct!!! I am so embarrased, mortified that I did that!

I am my own worst enemy! what a crazy stupid thing to do.

he still hasn't deleted me though, I don't understand why??

So how do I salvage my dignity? If at all possible...

One good thing, it does seem more 'final' now.

Facebook is the root of all evil!!!

Delete him, do it first. However hard it is.

He keeps sending emails, it is like he is trying to instigate further discussions, saying he is 'sorry, that I deserve someone better than him. that he hopes I find someone who does deserve me' etc.

I did reply with an email today just to say that I think he needs some time away from everything. Some time to reflect on the past six months, some time to heal.

I told him to not rely to my email as it only makes me want to reply to him and I think he needs time out from everything.

For some reason I can't bring myself to delete him, I wish I could but I can't just yet.

Squirrel, how are you doing? I agree with you about Facebook being the route of all evil!! But that's just based on my own horrendous experience.

I do wish I could fastforward through this pain but there is no easy way through. It has to be got through with support of good friends and looking after yourself well.

Had a very bad evening last night - started crying again and it's crap. However, as so many others have said, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, maybe even better things ahead. It's only the hope and dc that keep me going to be honest.

You WILL get through this eventually but you will keep refreshing your pain if you keep in contact. I have made no contact and although it's very hard it does keep me from going downhill again. The last time I saw him I was in bits for a week afterwards and I have calmed down now.

My advice to you is please don't contact him in any way - I promise you this will make it a bit better for you. I know it's hard but it does work.

Take care of yourself and remember, don't contact him!

Oooops! to late Lamby.

Its hard not to when he contacts me. I feel I have to reply.

I have told him to not answer the email I sent in reply to his this morning because it only makes me want to reply.

A time machine would be really good wouldn't it? Sorry yesterday was not a good day, I hope today is better for you. We can be strong, it will get better and in a years time we will not really give the ex's a second thought.

Chin up, are they really worth weeping and wailing over?

You're able to delete stuff you write on his FB wall, of course...

I think he's enjoying the drama. The best thing you can do is cut off his limelight. Make yourself not reply - even if he then steps up the pressure (my ex did this) by sending you emails / texts which are untrue / unfair. It's very very hard to ignore those but they're only written to goad you...

All done Longtalljosie, I deleted everything from his wall and the stuff said on my wall.

I realised this morning it was 6 months after I lost my Nan that I went into 'self-distruct' mode and ruined the most important relationships I had with people and ended friendships etc. I can help thinking he is doing the same thing.

In any case he has to work it out himself and work through his grief, who knows without me there to direct it all at he will have to face his anger and grief?

I know I need to look after myself now and I am going to do my best to do it.

Squirrel they're probably not worth weeping and wailing over but hey, we still do it.

Afraid another bad day here, saw so many reminders of him in Smiths this morning and it was very hard not to cry.

So very nearly texted him today but have resisted so far and will continue to resist I think. It may give him a chance to miss me!! Doubt it though.

Well done you for deleting stuff off Facebook - it's no good is it.

How's your day going?

He is still on there as a friend lamby, I have just deleted things that were said.

If he wants to he can delete me and I supose all the time I am on there as his friend without him deleting me I think there may be a small glimmer of hope that he might want to talk if I am honest.

I have resisted the urge to pick up the phone and call him, I am going to resist the urge to contact him again, maybe like you say it may give them the chance to miss us.

Its all so pathetic isn't it? The weeping and wailing, the being so desperate clinging onto the hope that they may realise what they have thrown away...

Well done you for resisting the urge to text him! Let him miss you, and who knows, by the time he does actually realise what he is missing out on you may have moved on and found something much better and it will be him resisting the urge to call, clinging on to hope...

Yes Squirrel. Good on you for resisting the urge. I've managed to resist aswell. We're doing OK.

When xp left I said to him that one day he may regret leaving as he never had so far in life or may never, find someone that loves him as much as I do, someone who accepts him as he is, faults and all and someone who would never cheat on him like all his other partners have. To me what more can you ask for in life than to have someone who truly loves you for who you are. Why is that not enough? Perhaps he could only love someone who didn't treat him well. I don't have the answers. Anyway, he replied that he may have just made the biggest mistake of his life but he had to go away and sort himself out. Interestingly his dad died 5 years ago and he said that he had never dealt with his death and had always gone on the rebound from past partners!!

I do so believe that the split between my xdp has come about from grief.

I understand where he is coming from I have been there myself but I feel helpless to know what to do next.

I can't help thinking back to when I lost my Nan, it was 6 months after I lost her I went into 'self-distruct' and ruined the most important relationships around me, for the same reasons too.

I had misplaced feelings of anger and abandonment, my Nan was my refuge when I was a child, the only place I felt happy and safe. When I was 13 she 'left' to go and live in Bournemouth. I felt so abandoned by her, abandoned to face my life with my mother alone... xdp's father was an alcoholic, life was pretty tough for him and his family. His mother decided she had to leave when he was a teenager, she took the girls with her and left him and his brothers with his Dad. I don't care what anyone says he must have felt abandoned by her even if he did know and understand the reasons why...

When my Nan died as much as it was unreasonable and wrong I felt those feelings of abandonment again. I knew she didn't choose to leave me and my feelings were unjust, then I was angry with myself for thinking and feeling that way. I took it out on the people around me, subconciously thinking "Everyone abandons me, why should you be any different?" Then my actions made it happen so I could say "See I knew I was right". I think he is doing the same and I fear that he will regret when it is it just to late as I did.

This is why I feel I can't totally abandon him, why I still think there is a glimmer of hope.

I know I should forget him and get on with my own life but it isn't that easy is it?

lamby, I think we are doing ok too (even if we are finding it so very hard).