So dp says those words that I have been dreading 'We need to talk'

[squirrel3]

Then he carries on 'But it will have to be next week because I am 'busy' now! WTF!!!!

I am so blooming angry I can't begin to describe how angry!

[Biobytes]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandchild

the only thing I can say is to open yourself up and let everyone in. Allow any friend, person or acquaintance to want to help you to do it. You will be surprised about how many people is genuinely interested in helping you through this difficult time.

[Biobytes]

oh squirrel

i hope you are feeling slightly better.
For me it was a long process, the first months full of questions for which there were no answers, the second one was simply unbearable, the third misserable (I know I'm not helping here) but what I want to say is that after several months things got better, I was able to put my head up and start smiling and eventually, I found a new person who loved me enough and had the patience to rebuilt my trust again.

Now I understand why it was better for that relationship to end, but it took me almost a year not to miss a beat every time someone mentioned anything about the ex.

[mother3]

it will take time but u will get through it.I have bad days when i miss people who have passed away but time is a great healer.He will not help your self esteem if he starts treating u like crap.You didnt mess up it was him.

[squirrel3]

I don't understand why it is getting worse.

I guess it is making me look closely at my life and I feel like I mess everything up no matter how hard I try.

I guess I am having a hard time coming to terms with the 'other stuff', losing a grandchild, coping with some very painful memories.

It is all bound to make recovery from losing the relationship too much harder, I suppose.

I know he is a self-centred pig who dumped me I needed him the most but I (completely wrong I know) really want a big hug from him.

[squirrel3]

biobytes, you decribe exactly how I feel and it hasn't got any easier, if anything it has got harder.

[Biobytes]

Squirrel, some time ago the man I thought was the one left me quite suddenly. And with that I lost the family I always dreamt to have. I could "understand" why I was better off without him, but there was nothing that could minimise the physical pain I felt at loosing him and his sons.

I howled, cried my head off, lost a couple of stones, but the worse was that pain, physical pain, in the chest that made me feel as if my heart had been taken out, chopped into little pieces and put back in its place, and it hurt with every beat. And that feeling was always there, at any time of the day. No metaphor here.

I tried everything to make that pain go away. It simply didn't. So at some point I accepted it was there to stay for a long time and that I just needed to cope with it the best that I could while it was there. This may sound strange but what helped me to keep my sanity was not to play movies in my mind of what was, could have been and weren't, it was already bad enough even without thinking of it.

Just remember, what you resist, persist. So allow yourself to grieve, but do NOT pitty yourself. You have done the best you could, this doesn't have anything to do with you (if so, your efforts would have worked). At the moment is impossible to feel this end is for the best, but in time you will understand why this happened.

[lambypoo]

Squirrel I know how that feels to have had your heart ripped out and stamped on. So awful that you still have nightmares about the rape - that's terrible and yes, it's at times like that that you need to be held and know someone is with you to share it all.

There will be someone again for both of us.

[squirrel3]

Another bad day, I spoke to a friend of his last night. It helped in some ways and made things worse in others.

I bloomimg miss him! I want to email him, phone him to hear his voice. I wont I will give him the space he needs.

Feel like my heart has been ripped out...

Wish I could stop thinking about him, feeling the loss...

I had a nightmare about the rape again last night and all I wanted was xp's arms around me to comfort me, make me feel safe...

[squirrel3]

Both of us have Lamby, we are strong women! We have been through crap before and have come out fighting, why would this be any different?

[squirrel3]

Someone just reminded me how strong I am, how I have been through so much crap that would have floored most people and came out fighting (and that is without living with the RSD).

It may not feel like it now but I know I will get over this and be stronger for it.

[squirrel3]

Don't know how the mouse situation is going, I am waiting for my son to get in from work to put some traps down.

I would look under every unit but I have something called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy effecting all four limbs so it isn't something I can physically do myself.

I miss 'him' nagging at me to take my meds, I miss him helping me through the bad pain I am in 24/7, and I tell you what, the pain of losing him is worse than anything the RSD can throw at me...

Beginning to weaken again... Bloody Men!!!!

[lambypoo]

I'm sure we will Squirrel but it feels so crap right now. Today is a very bad day. Can't stop crying. I think I will always love him though.

How's the mouse situation going?

[squirrel3]

I didn't feel angry xp wasn't here, I just felt very, very sad.

We will get through this Lamby, what other option have we got?

I have never felt this 'helpless' and pathetic over a man before... but, we will get through it!

[lambypoo]

Broke down in my car that is!

[lambypoo]

God yes Squirrel. I broke down yesterday and the first thing I felt was "you bastard, why aren't you here for me anymore". Think that was what set me off yesterday. Crying lots at the moment - feel very lost without him.

[squirrel3]

My cat has just caught a mouse in my kitchen! Yuck! I have taken off one of the kickboards from under the unit and there is ...errr... evidence of mice! I have never had mice in the house before!!

I have thrown the cat in the and kitchen and shut the door!!! Going to have to get some traps...

Its things like that that make you miss the xp isn't it? He would be the first person I would call about it...

[squirrel3]

lamby, I think we are doing ok too (even if we are finding it so very hard).

[squirrel3]

I do so believe that the split between my xdp has come about from grief.

I understand where he is coming from I have been there myself but I feel helpless to know what to do next.

I can't help thinking back to when I lost my Nan, it was 6 months after I lost her I went into 'self-distruct' and ruined the most important relationships around me, for the same reasons too.

I had misplaced feelings of anger and abandonment, my Nan was my refuge when I was a child, the only place I felt happy and safe. When I was 13 she 'left' to go and live in Bournemouth. I felt so abandoned by her, abandoned to face my life with my mother alone... xdp's father was an alcoholic, life was pretty tough for him and his family. His mother decided she had to leave when he was a teenager, she took the girls with her and left him and his brothers with his Dad. I don't care what anyone says he must have felt abandoned by her even if he did know and understand the reasons why...

When my Nan died as much as it was unreasonable and wrong I felt those feelings of abandonment again. I knew she didn't choose to leave me and my feelings were unjust, then I was angry with myself for thinking and feeling that way. I took it out on the people around me, subconciously thinking "Everyone abandons me, why should you be any different?" Then my actions made it happen so I could say "See I knew I was right". I think he is doing the same and I fear that he will regret when it is it just to late as I did.

This is why I feel I can't totally abandon him, why I still think there is a glimmer of hope.

I know I should forget him and get on with my own life but it isn't that easy is it?

[lambypoo]

Yes Squirrel. Good on you for resisting the urge. I've managed to resist aswell. We're doing OK.

When xp left I said to him that one day he may regret leaving as he never had so far in life or may never, find someone that loves him as much as I do, someone who accepts him as he is, faults and all and someone who would never cheat on him like all his other partners have. To me what more can you ask for in life than to have someone who truly loves you for who you are. Why is that not enough? Perhaps he could only love someone who didn't treat him well. I don't have the answers. Anyway, he replied that he may have just made the biggest mistake of his life but he had to go away and sort himself out. Interestingly his dad died 5 years ago and he said that he had never dealt with his death and had always gone on the rebound from past partners!!

[squirrel3]

He is still on there as a friend lamby, I have just deleted things that were said.

If he wants to he can delete me and I supose all the time I am on there as his friend without him deleting me I think there may be a small glimmer of hope that he might want to talk if I am honest.

I have resisted the urge to pick up the phone and call him, I am going to resist the urge to contact him again, maybe like you say it may give them the chance to miss us.

Its all so pathetic isn't it? The weeping and wailing, the being so desperate clinging onto the hope that they may realise what they have thrown away...

Well done you for resisting the urge to text him! Let him miss you, and who knows, by the time he does actually realise what he is missing out on you may have moved on and found something much better and it will be him resisting the urge to call, clinging on to hope...

[lambypoo]

Squirrel they're probably not worth weeping and wailing over but hey, we still do it.

Afraid another bad day here, saw so many reminders of him in Smiths this morning and it was very hard not to cry.

So very nearly texted him today but have resisted so far and will continue to resist I think. It may give him a chance to miss me!! Doubt it though.

Well done you for deleting stuff off Facebook - it's no good is it.

How's your day going?

[squirrel3]

All done Longtalljosie, I deleted everything from his wall and the stuff said on my wall.

I realised this morning it was 6 months after I lost my Nan that I went into 'self-distruct' mode and ruined the most important relationships I had with people and ended friendships etc. I can help thinking he is doing the same thing.

In any case he has to work it out himself and work through his grief, who knows without me there to direct it all at he will have to face his anger and grief?

I know I need to look after myself now and I am going to do my best to do it.

[Longtalljosie]

You're able to delete stuff you write on his FB wall, of course...

I think he's enjoying the drama. The best thing you can do is cut off his limelight. Make yourself not reply - even if he then steps up the pressure (my ex did this) by sending you emails / texts which are untrue / unfair. It's very very hard to ignore those but they're only written to goad you...

[squirrel3]

Oooops! to late Lamby.

Its hard not to when he contacts me. I feel I have to reply.

I have told him to not answer the email I sent in reply to his this morning because it only makes me want to reply.

A time machine would be really good wouldn't it? Sorry yesterday was not a good day, I hope today is better for you. We can be strong, it will get better and in a years time we will not really give the ex's a second thought.

Chin up, are they really worth weeping and wailing over?

[lambypoo]

Squirrel, how are you doing? I agree with you about Facebook being the route of all evil!! But that's just based on my own horrendous experience.

I do wish I could fastforward through this pain but there is no easy way through. It has to be got through with support of good friends and looking after yourself well.

Had a very bad evening last night - started crying again and it's crap. However, as so many others have said, there will be light at the end of the tunnel, maybe even better things ahead. It's only the hope and dc that keep me going to be honest.

You WILL get through this eventually but you will keep refreshing your pain if you keep in contact. I have made no contact and although it's very hard it does keep me from going downhill again. The last time I saw him I was in bits for a week afterwards and I have calmed down now.

My advice to you is please don't contact him in any way - I promise you this will make it a bit better for you. I know it's hard but it does work.

Take care of yourself and remember, don't contact him!