So dp says those words that I have been dreading 'We need to talk'

[squirrel3]

Then he carries on 'But it will have to be next week because I am 'busy' now! WTF!!!!

I am so blooming angry I can't begin to describe how angry!

[MaggieBruja]

whisper the 'sexual needs' part, like you can hardly bear to be so cruel!

like you hold all the cards, but, you are kind and trying not to hurt his feelings. He'll walk away trying to figure out why he feels crap.

I went out with a man like this once... he had a small todger as well, but he was so full of love and making me supper and talkign about the future, that when he dumped me it hit me a thousand times harder than any of the other hard to pin down blokes who'd successfully given me the slip in my 20s. dykwim?

[squirrel3]

Oh yes, IKWYM

This guy asked me to marry him. I almost bought the dress, I had it picked out, tried it on (with my daughter in tow, who was very excited about being bridesmaid and wearing the bridesmaid dress we had picked out for her).

Then he 'changed his mind' about getting married but he convinced me to stay with him, that he 'loved me wanted to be with me until dying day', but he just 'didn't want to be married' God how stupid am I? I should have dumped 'loser boy' right there and then!

But he 'charmed me', made me believe he was one of the 'good guys'.

I guess I am not the first person to be a 'silly cow' over a man, and I won't be the last, but it is going to be the last time this silly cow gets fooled! I can assure you of that!

[MaggieBruja]

Yes.... been there. My 'cad' was with me long enough to convince me that he did know me and could be in love with me, but it was all too quick. He knew my best side and things were still really exciting and he made me feel like I was the woman he'd been looking for for ten years.

Tehree were tiny clues to his cad history though. I remember some xgf rang him at five am one night and he went into the kitchen and I could hear sobbing coming out of the phone. I'd only been with him about 5 weeks then.

five weeks after he dumped ME I was still wrecked as well.

I would be so much more cautious in the future. Not in a bitter twisted barriers up to here (8 feet) but I would go by actions not words from now on.

We have ALL been there. And actually, the few women who haven't been 'there' lack a bit of compassion in the post-break-up dissection you bring the wine and I'll bring the ice-cream soirees.

[squirrel3]

Well I caved in and saw him on msn and demanded we talk. He told me we had drifted apart and we would be better apart.

Nothing I wasn't expecting but why the hell does it hurt so much?

Somehow he managed to make it my fault, how do these type of men do that? They leave you broken, feeling guilty because you weren't good enough, because you didn't do X, Y or Z it is all your fault!

I wasn't caring enough when his Mum died, I didn't do this or that, I wasn't caring enough to know that he was upset on the 6 month aniversary of his mothers death. This was the same week my daughter told me she was pregnant and was having a termination. It brought back the nightmare of my own termination which was the result of me being raped. It brought back the nightmares, the waking up in the night absolutely petrified because I could almost smell him.

XP knew this, I felt I couldn't talk to him about it though, I knew he was thinking of his Mum so didn't want to make him feel worse and add to his grief. This is all very recent btw only a couple of weeks since the termination and the 6 month aniversary of his Mum passing.

I am such a mess right now, can't stop crying over everything. Just want to curl up and die.

[commeuneimage]

Poor poor you, it's very sad. Breaking up is so terribly painful. But you will get through it and you will be happy again, and it is better to go through it now than later when you have invested even more in the relationship (and even married him).

[TDiddy]

squirrell3 - very sorry to hear about all of this.

Forgive me if I say that your bloke is beginning to sound like the high maintenance type who wants a mum more than he wants a wife/girlfriend. I don't mean to be insensitive about the passing of his mum but it sounds as though he wants emotional support and doesn't give much himself.

It must be awful having to unwind this relationship but you will be better off in a few weeks. Promise.

[iliketurquoise]

i think he is just creating reasons for himself like his mum's 6th month anniversary etc. he knows you werent available at that moment, he is trying to make you feel guilty and thats not nice.
dont belive his reasons.
but you should add sometime that you werent happy at that realtionship and tell your reasons and tell him its good that its finished.
today will be difficult for you. try to be busy with something, go out etc.
and be easy to yourself.

[squirrel3]

Thank you for your replies.

It is hard but I know I will come out the otherside.

Just feel so down now, I havent slept, don't know my @rse from my head atm. Its not just the relatinship ending, its all of the other stuff too.

I do feel that he is making excuses, I know he is completely distraught over losing his mum but what could I do? I hadn't met her and because I didn't it somehow put a wedge between us and him able to share his grief with me. I told him time and time again that I wanted to get to know her through him and would be honoured for him to talk to me about her.

I made a card and wrote in it, about how I wish i had met her because I would have liked to thank her for the man he had become and how I hadn't met her but I see her in him everyday in the way he is with his daughter, the way he loved me, and the way he cared about those around him.

It still wasn't good enough, I helped him plant a rose with the same name as hers, I bought a photograph album and had written in gold leaf on the front "When some one you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure". I wanted him (when he was ready) to fill it with photographs and memories of her to share with his daughter and I.

It still wasn't good enough...

I asked him so many times if he was ok, and told him that I was here for him but still not good enough...

Yes, I wasn't there for him for the 6 month aniversary, but I had so much of my own to deal with...

Yes, I am better off without him, I think he would always make me feel that whatever I did for him would never be enough.

[MaggieBruja]

Oh poor squirrel. He is making excuses, and he believes them too. There's a certain type of man who needs to emerge terminator style from a wreckage of pain believing that he is blameless, utterly blameless and the other person was so insensitive to his needs blah blah blah

I know it doesn't help you NOW, but he sounds several metres up his own arse and quite comfortable there too.

He expected you, to what, magic-wand all the pain of his gran dying away?? How could anybody do that that? did his parents do that for them and is he blaming them for not magic wanding all the pain away? I doubt it.

He was self-absorbed, ok, his Gran had just died, but he was so accutely aware of his own feelings, pain and needs (with not much thought about your feelings?) that I'm pretty sure a long life spent together with this guy would have been exhausting...

I found a good crime novel was the only thing I could bear when 'heart broken' harlan coben or lynwood barclay or something like that. Anything that even referenced romacne made me vom! Take care of yourself.

[MaggieBruja]

Sorry, it was his mum that died.

i think he had ludicrously high expectations from a romance though. Did he honestly expect or hope that you could 'neutralise' the pain?? And is it YOUR failing that that obviously didn't happen? Of course it isn't. He sounds like he has a very unreal take on relationships. He expects so much, gives so little, and then escapes, feeling that he's been let down.

[squirrel3]

I know you are right, it doesn't stop it from hurting right now though.

I will keep telling myself what a spinless twat he is (as wel as having the small...erm...bathroom )

Thanks for yoour support, I will not contact him again as he has made his decision, and although it hurts it might actually be the right one for me because yes, it would have been exhausting to spend a lifetime trying to live up to his expectations.

Not sure what I am going to be doing today, I do know that my son and his very new girlfriend (who are in that sickly 'I love you so much I feel my heart might break if I go one minute without talking to you' stage) will be here. God, is that going to grate today!

[forehead]

I think you're well rid tbh,but i wish you had dumped him first, then you would have felt more in control. He is obviouly mourning his mother's death and is probably not able to continue the relationship, but he was cruel to keep you hanging by the thread and he was expecting too much from you. I have got a funny feeling that he will come grovelling back in a few weeks.

[squirrel3]

forehead, I don't think he will come back grovelling, he is very stubborn and he has made his mind up so that is that.

He will get the card I sent him before all this happened tomorrow morning (I sent him a really 'mushy' romantic card saying how we were 'soulmates' and how I was looking forward to our future lives together etc). Why did I have to send the card? Anyone that knows me knows I never did 'mushy' until I met him.

Why on earth did I send it? Arrrrrrrgh! It is just adding to my humiliation...

Then again he may realise what he is throwing away then I will have great pleasure in telling where to go!

[Anniegetyourgun]

Oh gosh, I would just HAVE to send a message saying "you will be receiving a card from me in the next day or so, for which I apologise. I actually posted it before I discovered what a self-absorbed arse you are".

Can't believe he wanted you to put a partner's half-year old loss of a parent before your own daughter's immediate needs. What kind of a dreadful mother would you be?

[MaggieBruja]

hopefully he will feel a flicker, a mere, momentary flicker of guilt before he moves on.....

I don't think that this "type" comes back grovelling tbh. They just never see it clearly enough to realise that they have lost something valuable.

what age is your daughter? can you go to a sunday afternoon cinema showing with her? take your mind off it (a tiny bit anyway). I remember sitting through a few films trying to concentrate on the film and not my x.

[squirrel3]

Lol Annie, I should shouldn't I

[MaggieBruja]

I agree with Annie!! do that.

[squirrel3]

Nice idea to go to the cinema but I have already said I will cook for my son and his girlfriend.

I will get through today and move on slowly...

OMG! He has just sent an email saying he is sorry for any hurt he has caused me, I should know that causing me hurt wasn't want he wanted!

I really don't know what to do with that!

What a 'bleeping bleep'!

[MaggieBruja]

hmmmmmmm,,,, don't respond with you're an arsehole, tempting as it is.

maybe Tell him, that you've had a bit of a think and it's definitely for the best to split up, yes, it did hurt (don't let him totally off the hook) but you could never have diverted him from the pain of losing a parent, nobody could and you're shocked that he had such high expectations from one person, one relationship... Tell him the relationship has been exhausting and you need to look after your own needs and your own life now as he certainly didn't

[squirrel3]

Cant agree more MaggieBruja.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Good one, Maggie. My suggestion would have been satisfying perhaps, but undignified. He could have brushed it off as sour grapes.

[SolidGhoulBrass]

I know it's miserable now, but in a few weeks you will start feeling like you have had a very lucky escape. Because he sounds like a total whanger - self-absorbed and twattish. I imagine he must be rather pretty or he wouldn't be able to get away with this head-up-arsery.

[MaggieBruja]

yeah, 11 years after losing the plot and crying, weeping and begging, that's what I wish I'd said to the cad who had such unrealistically high expectations from a relationship, and then dumped me on a ludicrous pretence of a reason.. He just wrote me off as hysterical and my broken hearted reaction validated his decision to dump me....

grrrrrrrrrr

[TDiddy]

squirrel3 - gosh, you are a REALLY thoughtful person re:finding ways to empathise with DP. I wonder if he was nearly as thoughtful about dealing with the things that you had to go through.

Allow yourself to feel weak but be strong in the knowledge that you will slowly climb back up as you have done (I infer from what you said). Big hugs here.

[squirrel3]

Thaank you TDiddy, I did try to help him but it fell on deaf ears I am afraid.

For me while I was dealing with my daughter and the bad memories it had brought back, it was enough that he knew what I was going through. It was enough that I knew that if he could have taken the hurt away he would have.

I didn't need big gestures or words, but then here lies the difference between us...

Not sure if I am making sense right now, I am so drained, but thank you for your message. I am beginning to see that I really didn't do that much wrongly.

I still believe he would benefit from grief councelling as I feel he has misplaced anger issues with regards to the grief, I do feel that he is directing his anger towards me. I am not defending him, his behaviour towards me is... not totally unforgivable but still hard to forgive.