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Original poster

So dp says those words that I have been dreading 'We need to talk'

141 replies

squirrel3 · 24/10/2009 18:20

Then he carries on 'But it will have to be next week because I am 'busy' now! WTF!!!!

I am so blooming angry I can't begin to describe how angry!

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Original poster
squirrel3 · 25/10/2009 17:12

Feeling pretty miserable right now...

Feel like begging him to take me back, it just hurts so much and it shouldn't, he was a tw@t who didn't really give me a second thought if I am honest.

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lollopops · 25/10/2009 17:47

Hey Squirrel.

I personally think you should just delete his number and ignore any further communication he tries to make. It is really difficult. And most of us do fall for it. I most certainly did. Met my ex, fell head over hills in love, planned to have a baby, fell pregnant, he threatened suicide, ectopic pregnancy...It really was the worse time in my life and I would have bet my bottom dollar that he was the 'man for me'.

I think you find out what they're really like when a crisis hits them. He certainly turned into a Jackyl and Hyde.

Fast-forward 3 months and the relationship being over is the best thing ever. Will never be able to forget about the baby I lost though and if I'm honest, I think about the loss everyday

Original poster
squirrel3 · 25/10/2009 18:05

lollopops, so sorry for your loss

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Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 10:13

Today is worse, I can't stop crying

I sent him an email to tell him that I think this is all down to him being in the midst of grief. That I wished I had a wand to make the pain go away but I havent and I can't.

He wouldn't let me go to the funeral with him. Literally pushed me away when I tried to comfort him, when he broke down on the phone telling his ex. I put my arms around him and he shoved me off and seemed angry that I had.

I told him he needs councelling, I told him that I did so want to be there with him by his side when his Mum passed but he wouldn't let me, that he shut me out. That I felt he was 'punishing' me somehow, that I thought he had a lot of misplaced anger and anxiety (mainly directed at me)

I told him that he shouldn't be in a relationship right now and I needed to look after myself.

He sent an email back saying he was wrong to not let me be there at the funeral, and he regrets it, feels that we should have been there together to share the grief as a couple, a family.

He says he is going to seek grief councelling and I am right he needs to sort out his grief and not be in a relationship right now.

Part of me wants to shake him and say "You are throwing this away because of grief, have some councelling and I will be here waiting for you". Part of me is saying he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear to 'get out of the relationship easily'.

I am a mess, if splitting up is the right thing to do why does it feel so wrong?

He sent an email back to tell me that I was right he did need councelling

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Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 10:14

Sorry that last line shouldn't have been there

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LoveBeingAMummy · 26/10/2009 10:24

Its not unusal for people to end relatinships when they ahve a death to deal with. It brings a lot of things to a head.

Everything happens for a reason, your real soul mate is out there

Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 10:36

Not for me, I am no spring chicken. I am disabled and likely to need more care as I get older.

Who is going to want to take on that?

I am to old to be starting a new relationship, I wouldn't want to have one for a very long time now.

So the boat has sailed!

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EightiesChick · 26/10/2009 10:37

Squirrel, having read your posts, nothing you could ever have done - and you've done plenty - would have been good enough for him. Nothing you could ever do in the future will ever be good enough! Really, this is a lucky escape, or you would be looking at spending the rest of your life trying to please an impossible to please man.

In any case, the changing his mind about the wedding, after you and your daughter had looked at dresses, is a sackable offence itself to me. Wasn't thinking about your pain then, was he? Git.

It feels wrong to split up because you love him. That doesn't mean it's wrong. I really think you will see later it's for the best. Set yourself a target that you will not communicate with him in any way for a certain amount of time - I suggest a week to start with. If you want to say stuff, write emails but don't send them! Say nothing and you will be stronger in a week's time and able to deal with it better.

EightiesChick · 26/10/2009 10:40

If you're disabled (have just read your latest post), even more reason IMO not to end up trapped in a relationship with a self-absorbed idiot like this. He would be no help to you when you need it later, he'd be too busy dealing with his own pain, diddums! You are better off at least only having your own burdens to bear, not his too...

And I don't believe no-one would be interested in you. Plenty of people with disabilities, health conditions and so on find partners. Don't write yourself off like that.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 10:49

Thank you EightiesChick, I am just finding it so hard to find the strength to not email him again.

He actually is a caring person, he is a paramedic and everyone around him thinks of him as a very caring person. If they knew what I have been going though with him they would be shocked.

That is what is hard to stomach, its what makes me feel that it is the grief that is talking and making him act this way.

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BiteOfFun · 26/10/2009 10:50

Losing his mum as an adult, I'm afraid, is NOT the only hard thing that will befall him in life. What would have happened when other things went wrong in the future?a job crisis, your or his serious illness, debt etc etc. He would be the sort of nobber who would get upset about the pressure on him if you got sick, I bet.

The man sounds like a complete narcissist, and you are feeding him at the moment. Please, step away, delete his number, block his emails and get rid of him on msn.

You will be much lighter without this albatross, trust me. You sound a lovely thoughtful woman, who deserves much more than this self-obsessed jinny can give you. Don't let him be the reason you never find it.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 10:52

I do feel that he is taking all of his grief out on me.

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Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 10:54

Thank you BiteOfFun I know you are right.

It is going to take every bit of self control to do it though.

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BiteOfFun · 26/10/2009 11:07

You can do it- we will back you up!

He is the sort of person who likes to make a drama out of a crisis and turn everything round so it's about him, by the sound of it. I can't get that image put of my head of the poor woman howling down the phone to him FIVE WEEKS after being dumped. She obviously still had his number- don't let that be you! Jeez, what a headscrew he must have given her.

I can just see him getting arsey with you if you needed extra looking after, behaving like a twat for months, and then saying crap like "I was pushing you away because I was afraid of losing you, it was bringing up so much grief, I couldn't possibly go through that again" etc etc. I bet I'm right.

He's an energy-sucking vampire- you are a hundred times better of without this leech in your life.

EightiesChick · 26/10/2009 11:11

Hear hear BOF!

Squirrel, write whatever you like in emails to him but DO NOT send them. Tell yourself you can send them all in a week's time. Try that.

And yes, block his email, MSN, the lot. You need some space from him. Talking to him is not going to make you feel better at this point, believe me.

EightiesChick · 26/10/2009 11:12

P.S. Being a paramedic doesn't make him a caring person across the board. Plenty of people in 'caring' professions, counsellors etc, are complete bastards in their private lives. Don't feel it must be you because how could he, the caring paramedic, be being cruel? He could and he is. It's not you, it's him.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 11:16

BiteOfFun thanks for your support

btw it wasn't my dp who had the woman crying down the phone to him. I don't intend to be that poor woman anyway.

Going to try to be strong, dd is coming around in a bit so going to be distracted for a while.

Thanks again

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BiteOfFun · 26/10/2009 11:31

Eightieschick- quite right: I'm thinking Harold Shipman now

Anniegetyourgun · 26/10/2009 12:39

You know what it is really about, Squirrel: it's finding out that the man you loved didn't really exist. It's very like a bereavement. It will obviously take some time to grieve properly for his loss. You're better off without the arse man he's turned out to be, you realise that yourself. That doesn't make you silly for missing what you thought you had.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 14:16

on my own again dd had gone and I feel so alone...

I know you are all right, I know it but it still feels like I have lost my best friend (I know he didn't turn out to be anything of the kind but...)

I swear I wil never let another man get to me the way he did, 99% of the men I have met in my life do nothing but hurt, let me down and make a mug of me.

and everytime I am left kicking myself that I should have known better.

Sorry feeling a bit bitter atm...

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mother3 · 26/10/2009 15:20

we all grieve in different ways but if was causing more pain than happiness best not to go on with the relaionship.It would destroy u in the end.If he is too busy to have time 4 you then he is a selfish sorry excuse 4 a man.Dont let him break your heart but it sounds like he has already.YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.

skihorse · 26/10/2009 20:17

Rather than cutting off your emotions and vowing "never to love this deeply again" why don't you (after you've got over this) - take some time to discover why you are attracting men like this and why you are allowing them to control your self-worth.

You don't need to live like this.

Good luck.

Making silly comments about the size of his penis is not very becoming.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/10/2009 20:23

Have you never heard that laughter is the best medicine? ^^

skihorse · 26/10/2009 20:30

It detracts from the real issue here.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 26/10/2009 21:06

skihorse I was joking about he size of his... erm... bathroom, actually I have no complaints as far as that went. I was just trying to... dunno, like Anniegetyourgun said humour helps.

Also I don't always go for men like this, every guy I have been with has hurt me in a completely different way.(lucky old me!)

Not there has been many guys,

The first one was a violent, nasty piece of work a drug addict/dealer.

The second was wonderful (apart from the odd fault that we all have) for many years until he beat up my (adult) son one day (completely out of character, don't know why it happened but I made sure it didn't happen again).

The third wasn't my partner but he had been my best friend since I was kid, then I found out after 20+ years of friendship he was a peadophille. Talk about kick in the guts, I had no idea, no-one did, everyone thought he was the nicest man you could meet - It wasn't just me that was taken in.

The fourth, well we all know about him now...

Believe me, I don't trust anyone easily.

But somehow I still manage to get hurt.

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