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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So dp says those words that I have been dreading 'We need to talk'

141 replies

squirrel3 · 24/10/2009 18:20

Then he carries on 'But it will have to be next week because I am 'busy' now! WTF!!!!

I am so blooming angry I can't begin to describe how angry!

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humblemum · 26/10/2009 22:10

Oh squirrell i know what you mean about the paedophile thing, i managed to marry one (unknowlingly of course) talk about the kick in the guts!!

TDiddy · 26/10/2009 22:57

squirrel- perhaps you should just be his friend, for now anyway? Not sure if that is the right answer but it is a thought.

Whatever you decide, taking some control will make you feel a bit better? Atleast you won't have to put up with this "emotionally" lazy bloke if you drop him.

SolidGhoulBrass · 26/10/2009 23:14

Actually, laughing at an XP who has dumped you is very therapeutic. You don't need to do it to the bloke's face (unless he did something really prickish before departing) but allowing yourself to find someone ridiculous (and we all have our ridiculous aaspects) makes it a lot easier to feel less miserable and bereft and desperate for him to come back.

squirrel3 · 27/10/2009 07:12

I can't believe how this is getting harder, I just want to phone him, text him, email him telling I can't go on without him.

I kept waking up last night from the nightmares about the rape terrified again, then feeling the loss of my child (even though it was a result of rape I still regreted my decison to terminate), then feel the loss of my grandchild and my first instinct was to turn to xp and then I remembered, and it hit me all over again.

I can't eat, I can't remember if I have taken my meds, I think subconciously I think if I don't take my meds the pain of the RSD (the reason I am disabled) will over take the emotional pain I am in right now. I know it does't make any sense, I know it is completely irrational and just plain stupid - I just want to curl up and die.

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squirrel3 · 27/10/2009 08:18

Someone stop me from sending and email, a text or from calling him saying "You are throwing this away because of grief, get some grief coucelling and I will be here waiting for you".

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squirrel3 · 27/10/2009 08:49

Fighting the urge to get on a train to his to talk face to face.

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iliketurquoise · 27/10/2009 09:23

dont send anything, keep your dignity.
he is not responding you know.
these days will pass. in the future you will remember and maybe laugh.
i know it is hard but try to be busy with something else.

GYo · 27/10/2009 09:32

Hang in there Squirrel. Try to keep yourself busy.

Dont send anything or go anywhere, it wont help the situation at all I am sure you know that.

What are you doing today?

squirrel3 · 27/10/2009 09:55

sorry for not replying sooner.

I have no plans for today, I can't motivate myself to do anything but break my heart. I know I am being a pathetic loser about this but...

I can't bear the thought that because of grief he has thrown this away, can't bear the thought of not being with him again. Yes, I know all pretty normal stuff to be feeling right now and if I was to give advice to anyone in the same situation I would be saying exactly the things that have been said to me.

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EightiesChick · 27/10/2009 10:27

Squirrel, don't contact him. It really won't help. He is not open to doing what you want him to do, so asking will only make it worse. Promise yourself that today you will stick it out.

Are there any friends near you that you could go and visit? A cafe where you could go and read a newspaper? (that always gives me the 'I could be so much worse off' feeling) A cinema where you could go for a film? If it is really bad I would consider ringing the Samaritans.

Longtalljosie · 27/10/2009 10:44

Squirrel - BOF is right, the man is a narcissist. You must have been so tired trying to keep him happy all the time, having everything being about him. The reason he was resentful when you supported your daughter was not that you weren't supporting him through the 6 month anniversary of his mum's death - it was because you were supporting someone who wasn't him. And that would always be the case.

There's so much more to you than being Best Supporting Actress in this man's lift. You're a mum. Any decent man (and you sound lovely so you will have another relationship, you have to believe that) would not resent your relationship with your children.

Longtalljosie · 27/10/2009 10:45

"in this man's lift"

Life, obviously, not lift. Although that too, obviously!

squirrel3 · 27/10/2009 10:59

awwwwe thank you Longtalljosie, that was a really nice thing to say.

Believe me I don't feel like a lovely person right now, more like a total wreck!

I know you are all right, I need to try to not contact him again, resolve not to do it to myself every hour if I have to. I know it will get easier given time.

Thank you everyone for the support, you have all really touched me, why would you all bother to reply and support a complete stranger? I am so grateful.

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SolidGhoulBrass · 27/10/2009 11:10

I know this is horrible for you at the moment, but you have to draw a line under him and move on. Because begging, now, will make him treat you even worse in the future, he will take it as a sign that he can do whatever he likes and you will still be there to service and indulge him.

mother3 · 27/10/2009 12:08

PLEASE TRY NOT TO CONTACT HIM.It will make you so ill if he can belittle you.I think he would and thats not fair on you or your children if they know he is such an arse to you.Try to think how much better you are without him..You are going hrough enough and have been in the past.good luck

GYo · 27/10/2009 12:27

I second the the suggestion of going out to a cafe and reading a book or paper with a nice hot drink.

I used to do that when I was low after a relationship ended. I'd take my favourite book and enjoy my favourite coffee.

If you can plan some nice stuff for yourself, anything to keep you busy for now

Anniegetyourgun · 27/10/2009 12:41

Why would we bother? Because it's a normal human reaction to want to help someone who is suffering. This is what you feel when you see your daughter or (ex-)partner grieving, and want to make it better for them. This is what he has signally failed to demonstrate. When he is feeling bad he has nothing left to give to anyone else. All most of us can offer you is some supportive words, but you're grateful for that. You did a lot more for him but he is not grateful - first he rejected your help then he complained you hadn't done enough. Who is the normal, decent, worthwhile human being in this? The evidence suggests it's you.

It's so natural to need a hug right now, but the person who should have given the hug is the one who's caused the pain. Life sucks sometimes . You will get over it and you are not an idiot. You are nice.

At the beginning of this thread you were angry. Finding that anger again may help.

squirrel3 · 27/10/2009 12:44

Yes, maybe tomorrow I will venture out and do something for myself. Today I am just so tired, so exhausted I can't trust myself behind the wheel of a car or in polite society (lets say if anyone upset me today I don't know how I would react).

A friend offered for me to go and stay with her the weekend bless her. It really is when you feel your world is crumbling around you that your true friends step up and offer a shoulder, alcohol, a bonfire and fireworks! Thank you, you know who you are.

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squirrel3 · 27/10/2009 12:51

Annie, I should be angry but I haven't the energy... No doubt I will, and it won't be pretty.

Until then, I am going to try to resist the stupid urge to contact him... no hang on, let me re-phrase that. I AM going to resist the absolutely crazy urge to contact him and look after myself.

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lambypoo · 27/10/2009 16:15

Oh squirrel I feel for you so much. I've just been through a similar situation to yours. My xp dumped me out of the blue about 3 weeks ago and I'm still devastated. I've been posting on here about it all. He just said he didn't love me anymore, came to the house and took his stuff with no warning then rang me to tell me it was over.

I'm a bit further down the line than you and it has got a tiny bit easier in that I am now not crying all day! I miss him terribly and like you have to resist the urge to text him. Haven't contacted him since last Thursday.

I wish I could give you a big hug and help you get through the first two weeks which are the worst. After this I promise you will feel a little bit better but not over it of course.

I have been looking back at the bad bits about xp and thinking perhaps it's all for the best after all. I still love him madly though but he can't give me the love I need and I'm hoping that there may be someone out there that can one day. There will be for you too I'm sure.

Just try to look after yourself and don't spend to much time on your own in the house. Get out and about and see your kids as much as you can. Take up your friend's offer and get away for a weekend. This really helps. I am now homeless at the moment before I buy my property and am at my mum's, then friends, then caravan. Have been through hell over the last 4 years and this was just the icing on the cake.

I am surviving and so will you I promise. You will have good days and bad.
Take care of yourself my love and keep posting. Mumsnet has helped me loads.

GYo · 28/10/2009 10:20

how are you today squirrel?

squirrel3 · 28/10/2009 14:24

Hello, mmmmmm, how am I today?

I am bloomimg angry!

Yesterday I sent and RSD causes thing to all of my facebook friends, he joined the cause and I thanked him as I did everyone else that joined. I didn't think about it going to him as well as everyone else.

His reaction? He sent me an email telling me that I need to accept that we are finished!!!

How far up his own @rse is he? and why on earth hasn't he deleted me from his facebook if he doesn't want anything more to do with me?

I changed my status on there to, 'Anger is good, its a darn site better than weeping and wailing over someone who never deserved me anyway...'

Then I commented underneath, 'and you know what? I didn't like the person I had become down to the complete narcissist who made me feel worthless and unsure of myself. I will be much lighter without this albatross around my neck making me hate myself. I actually like me, I am not perfect but I like me!!! :-)'

You would be suprised by how many people who 'liked' it and agreed 100%. I will probably lose 'friends', well friends of his but...

In answer to the question how am I feeling today? 'Yes, I am hurting, yes it is painful BUT I am worth so much more that him.

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Lemonylemon · 28/10/2009 15:29

Why don't you block him or delete him? Silly twunt. Glad you're feeling better!

squirrel3 · 28/10/2009 15:38

I should delete him but for some reason I can't do it, I will but I am not ready yet.

Just because I have realised what a silly twunt he really is part of me is so and misses what I thought he was...

I do keep feeling that deserate pain and hurt of loss for him but I keep telling myself it will get better and I am better off without him.

It will take time and I am aware of that, I am only sorry I couldn't see him for what he really was long before now.

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squirrel3 · 28/10/2009 15:40

sorry missed out a whole word there, I really should preview {blush]

It should have said 'part of me is so sad and misses what I thought he was'

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