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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there EVER a situation where a dp/dw/dh deserves a slap?

93 replies

HappyDaddy · 14/06/2005 10:17

I'm going to get flamed but I'd like you all to read this carefully before replying.

My exw, was a bullying, manipulative control freak. I left her because I could take no more of her ways, she regularly slapped, poked, kicked and hit me in niggly little ways or to embarrass me in front of others. Never punched or beat me up as I'm twice her size but enough to belittle me. This wasn't as a result of arguments of me making snidey comments but just because she found it funny or embarrassing for me. Even when she attacked me full on, when i announced that i was leaving her that day, I never hit her. I restrained her and tried to push her away, as our dd (then 3) had come in and was crying. She scratched and bruised my face, shoulders arms and back and threw a stool at me.
My question is this. Physically she's 5ft and I'm 6ft2 and quite stocky. I knew that if I ever hit her she'd have be arrested for assault and that I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I never ever raised my hands in anger as it isn't my nature. My current dw is of the opinion that some women, like her, deliberately provoke men, like me, as she knew that I'd never hit her. Is there ever any justification for a man hitting a woman? Or do you think it's a no no NO MATTER what the provocation is?

This is a genuine question, I'm not a troll getting off on weird questions. Please don't just say that violence is never the answer, I already know that....

OP posts:

nikcola · 14/06/2005 10:22

i dont think a man should nver hit a woman or a woman should never hit a man ,

your exw sounds very nasy

{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}} for you x

nikcola · 14/06/2005 10:22

does your dd still live with her ?

Original poster

HappyDaddy · 14/06/2005 10:24

nikcola, thanks for your reply but I'm only using my situation as an example. I'm not looking to talk about my situation solely.

OP posts:

starlover · 14/06/2005 10:24

i think that if you were in real danger.. ie she was coming at you with a knife or something.. then yes, it would be ok to hit her so that you wouldn't be killed.

WigWamBam · 14/06/2005 10:25

I think it's a no-no, whatever the provocation is. Although I can see how hard it would be in the situation you describe, and I think you were definitely the better person for not allowing your ex to drag you down to her level.

I don't think there's ever any justification for a man hitting a woman - I also don't think there's ever any justification for a woman hitting a man. Domestic violence is unacceptable, whichever partner is the violent one.

Original poster

HappyDaddy · 14/06/2005 10:25

Would it be justified if after a long period of abuse, you just snapped and lashed out?

I personally feel that when women snap, it's justified as no-one should have to put up with that.

OP posts:

munz · 14/06/2005 10:26

yes in life or death as SL says, otehrwise no no matter what the situation, two wrongs don't = one right!

Mothernature · 14/06/2005 10:26

Sorry, but if I'd have been you I would have slapped her and told her why, but with hindsight perhaps this behavour should not have been allowed to develope in the first place, a raised voice is better than a raised hand.

sweetmonkey · 14/06/2005 10:28

when my mum and dad split up my mum used to regularly attack me and my dad. she used to scratch us til she drew blood and hit us and the amount of times me and my bro had to pull her off him as my dad knew that if he pushed her away or retaliated he could get done for it.
she used to really go for it and would rip shirts and pull hair out, really evil but always when she was drunk too .it got to the stage where we had to lock knives away and out bedroom doors because she was so unpredictable. in the end my dad gave her money and she moved out.

does that help with yr question troll man???/

i would say the only option is to get out. speaking from experience and if me and my bro hadnt always been there i dread to think what would have happened as once my mum got going she was like a woman possessed!!!

QueenFlounce · 14/06/2005 10:28

When I had PND I quite often slapped DH. Usually coz he would be saying something horrible to me like I was mental and needed help when I was sobbing hysterically. One night he hit me back...I wasn't so quick to lash out after that! Thankfully I look back at that part of my life and wonder who the hell I was.... but in that instance I think DH was right to give me a slap.

Miaou · 14/06/2005 10:29

HD, I honestly think that there is NO situation in which a man can justify hitting a woman.

Equally, there is no situation IMO in which a woman can justify hitting a man. Goes both ways.

Original poster

HappyDaddy · 14/06/2005 10:29

In my situation, I had very low self esteem, also she was my first proper girlfriend, so I thought that you put up with what came along.

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 14/06/2005 10:29

That would depend very much on the situation, but no, I don't think it's justified. I was in a violent relationship once, and I couldn't fight violence with violence, as I knew it would just make his violence toward me worse. In my case his violence was about power over me, and if I had responded in the same way, removing his power, it would have made the violence worse.

tillykins · 14/06/2005 10:29

I don't think its justifable unless its life or death - but I do think its understandable in some cases, like when someone suffers years of abuse and does just snap

biglips · 14/06/2005 10:29

ive only ever slapped one man in my life and he was an ex-bf (and he was an arsehole too) as he was calling me everything under the sun when he was drunk, you name it he called me it so i slapped him to shut him up and he slapped me back, but the next day he was saying that he loves me and wanted to marry me (arsehole !!)

Caligula · 14/06/2005 10:31

I think it's a very difficult one HD, I personally feel it can't be justified except in self-defence.

I've always felt very ambiguous about the "suddenly snapped after years of abuse" defence. I always felt that the victims of abuse should have called the police. But I know that's very easy for me to say, and I know that the police have been pathetically useless when it comes to dealing with domestic abuse, and that psychologists are learning more and more about the processes of how people in destructive relationships can be psychologically ground down so that they can then afterwards be physically ground down - at the risk of sounding trivial, I think Corrie are doing the Charlie/ Shelley storyline really well, showing how he emotionally and psychologically prepares her to become a victim.

Anyway, bit waffly, but the answer to your question is it's too complex to have any right answer and it depends on circumstances.

Gwenick · 14/06/2005 10:31

DH hit me once (I always swore that if a man EVER hit me I'd leave straight away) before we were married, but living together. He slapped me round the face - that was 5 1/2yrs ago and he's never laid a finger on me since...

As you say 'violence is never the answer' - but my goodness looking back to that day if I'd have been 10yrs younger (ie 9 instead of 19) I would have been guaranteed a smack from my parents !!!!!

At the time in our relationship I still had big anger management issues and would frequently slap or hit him things improved steadily (strangely after we married we fought less!), think the last time I whacked him one was about 3yrs ago - I threw him on the bed and punched him (I regretted if the following morning, not a mark on him - but I badly pulled a muscle in my shoulder ) - and to be honest - yes I think a quick slap would have been quite deserved in the circumstances And had he done it I may well have thought twice about whacking him/throwing something at him etc etc again!.

pinkmama · 14/06/2005 10:31

I think it shows incredible strength of character not to hit back in those situations, but is definately the right thing to do. I dont think retaliating would ever make the situation better, or make someone feel better. I imagine in situation like the one you describe HD, if you had hit her back you would have given yourself quite a hard time for it. Having said that I would see how easy it would be to hit back, but I dont think it would change anything, just imflame it. I think its a no no, as the others have said, either way round.

Gwenick · 14/06/2005 10:33

Thankfully I look back at that part of my life and wonder who the hell I was.

That's what I think too QF

Original poster

HappyDaddy · 14/06/2005 10:34

Sometimes, when she would slap me and put me down in front of friends, I really wanted to punch her lights out! I used to walk away instead. She used that to prove that I was less than a man and she was such a nutter.

I found out a couple of years later that all her friends wanted to shag me, because I was so nice! LOL

OP posts:

QueenFlounce · 14/06/2005 10:35

Yes Gwenick, horrible isn't it?

It's never as simple as a "Hitting a woman is ALWAYS wrong".... wish it was that simple.

Caligula · 14/06/2005 10:36

I do think that women like your ex have some kind of psychological problem. Dunno what it is though!

Original poster

HappyDaddy · 14/06/2005 10:37

Caligual, I think the technical term is "arsehole". She doesn't bother me now, she tries to give me dirty looks when I drop dd home which just make me laugh and glad that I've moved on.

OP posts:

Caligula · 14/06/2005 10:38

Sorry, it is simple.

Hitting someone shows them that you will use your physical force to control them if they step out of line.

The only other time we accept that as a principle, is when we accept that children may be smacked by parents (if we accept that - which is a completely different thread!)

I cannot see how you can have an equal relationship with someone who has made it clear that they will use their physical strength to control you.

beansmum · 14/06/2005 10:38

I punched a boyfriend once. he had cheated on me and I decided it would be a good idea to go out for drinks with the other girl, had a very stressful evening and then on the way home my bf was being an arse about it. I was so angry I snapped and punched him. Then burst into tears and apologised constantly for the next 6 months.

I don't think violence is acceptable in any situation, except in self defence as a last resort, if you are being abused by a partner the only solution is to leave.

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