Is there EVER a situation where a dp/dw/dh deserves a slap?

[HappyDaddy]

I'm going to get flamed but I'd like you all to read this carefully before replying.

My exw, was a bullying, manipulative control freak. I left her because I could take no more of her ways, she regularly slapped, poked, kicked and hit me in niggly little ways or to embarrass me in front of others. Never punched or beat me up as I'm twice her size but enough to belittle me. This wasn't as a result of arguments of me making snidey comments but just because she found it funny or embarrassing for me. Even when she attacked me full on, when i announced that i was leaving her that day, I never hit her. I restrained her and tried to push her away, as our dd (then 3) had come in and was crying. She scratched and bruised my face, shoulders arms and back and threw a stool at me.
My question is this. Physically she's 5ft and I'm 6ft2 and quite stocky. I knew that if I ever hit her she'd have be arrested for assault and that I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I never ever raised my hands in anger as it isn't my nature. My current dw is of the opinion that some women, like her, deliberately provoke men, like me, as she knew that I'd never hit her. Is there ever any justification for a man hitting a woman? Or do you think it's a no no NO MATTER what the provocation is?

This is a genuine question, I'm not a troll getting off on weird questions. Please don't just say that violence is never the answer, I already know that....

It's a difficult one of definition isn't it. The poking, undermining, etc., are quite definitely abusive behaviour. They may not be as dangerous as battering, but they are abusive and in fact in many violent relationships, that sort of behaviour you are talking about HD, is a prelude to more serious abuse.

Interestingly now at possibly the most stressful point in our relationship, with 2 young children, no income and a business in it's fledgling stages our relationship is more stable than it's ever been .

I'm interested in your DH's rationale Gwenick - why did he slap you? And if it made no real difference, why didn't he slap you harder? Or did he insist that you did something else?

I did know someone who slapped his gf, and he insisted that they go for relationship counselling. He was so horrified that he had got to that stage - as Bloss says, it was obvious to him that there were serious problems! He knew he would either have to leave the relationship, or that the way it was conducted would have to change. Because he didn't want to be an abusive man.

HD

Im probably going to get flamed for this as its going totally against what everyone else is saying. but i think that sometimes if your pushed and pushed enough even the most patient of people can snap. So i think if you provoke some one that much then you have to expect it.

(just my opinion - ands im not going to get drawn into and arguement about it [smile)

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I think there's a difference between people "deserving" a slap, and having the right to administer one.

He slapped me because I was behaving like a spoilt 9yr old instead of a responsible, about to get married 19yr old. If I had been 10yrs younger there's no doubt my dad would have given me a smack on the bum.

Can't remember the exact details as it was a long time ago and I get so 'worked up' during arguments I never remember exact details even shortly afterwards, but I know we were having a blazing row (well I was - he was doing his normal calm talking to me while I screamed and shouted loudly). Think it was something to do with clothes all over the bedroom floor (guess something never change - still got clothes on the floor next to my side of the bed). I got remember getting very silly and picking up the clothes and scattering them all the way through the house.........and then walking out the door to go to work. He came and grabbed me and slapped me round the face. I went off to work and he went off to his work. In the evening I remember sitting outside while he cooked dinner on the braii (bbq) and not saying a word - he came and apologised for slapping me and I seem to recall the following day I apologised for acting like a spoilt brat.

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But a smack on the bum isn't acceptable either.

I think that's an entirely different debate

I definitely deserved a slap that day..... and I'm glad he did as it gave me the perspective that I had lost through PND. It forced me to deal with my issues properly instead of lashing out.

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Very true Gwenick!!

OMG Someone agrees with me

it greatly depends on the person. i am frightened that gwenicks partner is more of the exception than the rule - hit someone becuase they are hysterical - then never touch them again.

it frightens me beucase i think that physical strength and the show of it is about power and the exertion of power. if my dh ever hit me, like punched me in the face - he would kill me of that there is no doubt.

Men usually have that poewr over women and they should never exercise it. like happy daddy did - they should say to their wives or partners that what they are doing is using the power they have with the knowledge that their husbands will absolutley not fight back - that again is abuse of power within a relationship - the same as hitting. and it must stop or you must leave.

I think that's my issue Bloss. In an adult relationship, I just can't see how smacking can be part of a negotiation process!

Although I can see that in situations like Gwenick's, QF etc., it might have worked for them. But I don't think it would ever work for me, because my problem is that I don't want to be treated as a child who deserves a slap from a more adult person than myself (even if I am behaving like a child!) I just don't want an equal partner to arrogate to themselves the role of adult while I'm the child.

NO! I do not believe that violence is ever deserved in a domestic dispute. How about leaving? Calling the police? All violence begets is more violence. I had an ex hit me during an argument. I left the flat, called the police and pressed charges on his book ass.

I actually agree with you too Gwenick

I have been hit because I deserved it, and I have also been hit because an ex was taking his nasty temper out on me.

One is forgiveable, the other isnt.

HappyD, I hope your life is better now. I am a woman, but I know what its like to be emotionally abused and nagged at. I think people who have always been the dominant partner in a relationship don't understand.

I agree with you too Gwenick and Happyhuggy!

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MeerkatsUnited I never used to talk about anything personal, to anyone. I tried to talking to exw about other personal things but she used to always say "you sould be grateful". I met current dw at work, while still married and we became friends, I found that I could talk to her without my thoughts being trampled on. I didn't see her as more than a friend, until over a year after I'd left exw, by the way..

What I can appreciate form this thread is that in someway battered women are in a far better position than battered men. And if men don't have the same resources to defend themselves as we have as women (ringing the police and be protected by them or having all the society on our side), I'm bound to say that slapping back a woman who beats, is purely self defense. Though, it should be avoided as it can definitively make the matters worse.

How come I'm so slow writing... please excuse the crossposting

I want to post but have no idea how to put it.