Is there EVER a situation where a dp/dw/dh deserves a slap?

[HappyDaddy]

I'm going to get flamed but I'd like you all to read this carefully before replying.

My exw, was a bullying, manipulative control freak. I left her because I could take no more of her ways, she regularly slapped, poked, kicked and hit me in niggly little ways or to embarrass me in front of others. Never punched or beat me up as I'm twice her size but enough to belittle me. This wasn't as a result of arguments of me making snidey comments but just because she found it funny or embarrassing for me. Even when she attacked me full on, when i announced that i was leaving her that day, I never hit her. I restrained her and tried to push her away, as our dd (then 3) had come in and was crying. She scratched and bruised my face, shoulders arms and back and threw a stool at me.
My question is this. Physically she's 5ft and I'm 6ft2 and quite stocky. I knew that if I ever hit her she'd have be arrested for assault and that I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I never ever raised my hands in anger as it isn't my nature. My current dw is of the opinion that some women, like her, deliberately provoke men, like me, as she knew that I'd never hit her. Is there ever any justification for a man hitting a woman? Or do you think it's a no no NO MATTER what the provocation is?

This is a genuine question, I'm not a troll getting off on weird questions. Please don't just say that violence is never the answer, I already know that....

Flossam, do what I do. Type whatever come into your head and sort out the grammar and sense later!

I think there's a difference though Chandra. One of the reasons why women get battered, is due to a psychological, economic and physical inequality within the relationship (and in society!). I think there's something quite different going on in the case of battered men (they don't have the socio-economic factors that women do) and while it may be a serious problem for those men going through it, I'm sure the roots of the problem must be different. Don't know too much about it, but the differences between men and women must mean that there are different factors at work?

Interesting discussion. I've never been hit as an adult but I always think that once you are hitting someone you are no longer communicating, you are just lashing out using strength to try and hurt someone.
Can't see that it is ever acceptable for any reason whatsoever (apart from self-defence), although I can understand how under extreme provocation it could be very hard to resist.
HappyDaddy, I admire & respect you for never hitting your very annoying ex-wife. You definitely behaved like a grown up for restraining yourself.

Basically I think DP and me are as bad as each other! We're having a roughish time atm so I am not going to be able to write as warmly as I probably should. So I think I have said enough. I think the whole thing should never be seen in black and white. Life is very complex. Your ex sounds horrid though, so glad you are such a happydaddy now!

Caligula, my post was in reference to a situation where the man finally smacks back after constant abuse. Surely, there are different factors going in the background but if we want to be respected the first step is offer some respect.

I had a friend who once left her house because her husband had hit her. But, when she started telling me about it, I couldn't understand she was so annoyed as she "would have never expected that a man would hit back" when she had just broken a footstool on his back!

Please note I'm not saying that the hiting was justified, I'm just saying that you shouln't do to others what you would not want be done to you.

I don't think that everyone is saying it is acceptable to hit anyone in a relationship. But the truth is that occasionally, it does happen. And if, like Gwenick and her DH,that is a wake up call to resolve to change, then it doesn't need to be the end of the relationship, does it? I don't think Gwenick's relationship (for example) NOW is less valuable or sound because of something that happened once 5 years ago, and was acknowledged as a reason to sort out nager issues.

You can't just decree that the minute someone hits someone that should be the automatic end to the reltionship - and presumably any other realtionship that the instigator might have? People do all sorts as one offs and relationships often survive and survive constructively and happily; affairs, faking contraceptive status, etc etc.

Message withdrawn

Also, I think that the 'it's worse if men hit women' argument is, whilst often true, a misleading streotype, and leads women to believe that men are somehow invincible to injury and oblivious to pain. Women then feel somehow 'licensed' to lash out, and 'protected by honiur' that a man won't hit her back. Girls have often not had the 'don't hit'training and upcringing which is (quite properly) drummed into men - i think it should be drummed into girls too.

I am tall and reasonably athletic and robust - I don't think any different value judgement should be put on violence by me to my partner or vice versa - we would be pretty evenly matched.

I don't think anyone, ever, deserves a slap.
However if I hit someone I would expect to be hit back. Same as if someone hit me my gut reaction would be to hit back. I find it hard enough not to want to slap the person who has just waxed my bikini line cos she's just hurt me so much! But seriuosly, if you don't want to be hit, then don't throw the first punch. Do as you would be done by in life.
So other than hitting back in defence there is no excuse for hitting out at anyone.
Hmmmmmm, although if I walked in on my DP shagging someone in our bed i might consider giving them both a 'slap'!

I had never hit anyone in my life until I found dh was cheating on me. I just lost total control and punch him many times. I don't regret it for one minute. I have never felt anger like it and can totally see now how people loose control. I'm very small framed so I don't think it even hurt him, just his pride.

good for you cranberry, the perfect excuse for punching someone, a lot. I'd have done the same.

We are thankfully work things but it's a very bumpy ride and there have been a couple times since when I've gone for him again but restrained myself. I am normally such a passive person so it's very out of character for me, however I too feel very justified.

Cranberry, ontop of the behaviour i've already outlined my xw would often accuse me of having affairs. Even though I only left the house long enough to get to work and back! She knew exactly how long it took to get to and from work and would want to know why i was more than 5 minutes late.

Like everyone else has said, only in self-defence or in an emergency ? something like someone out of control, hysterical and about to injure themselves?
I haven't hit a partner but I did once slap my younger sister (she was 14, I was 28). Not proud but definitely provoked - she was screetching at me and nothing I could do would end this appalling argument. She was threatening to walk out of my house and travel across London on her own, which I couldn't allow. I lost it, and slapped her. Shocked us both so much it stopped the situation escalating. We both calmed down and watched an England match on TV, bizarrely.
I'm not proud of it - there must have been a better way to resolve it - but it did give us the shock we needed to stop the row.

HP - sounds like your life has turned around now though
The ironic thing with my situation is that my dh is very against men hitting women and the women he had the affair with is abused by her dh(supposidly). My dh is (a toltal idiot of course) but also a kind caring person and I think he felt sorry for her. I never told her dh (although threatened to) purely because I didn't want to be responsible for her getting a possible beating. I'm just too nice sometimes

I've been married over 30yrs () and dh has never ever hit me. Tbh, it never crossed my mind that he would hit me, even though there have been times when I know my mum would have slapped me for my tantrums. I have in my much younger days hit out at dh but only ever in a pathetic, limp-wristed, girlie way.

I do see where you're coming from, though, HD. We once had neighbours in a similar situation as you describe. He was the nicest bloke you could imagine, with the patience of a saint, and took bucket-loads of sh*t from his dw for years. Then one night we heard one hell of a row from their house; it transpired that the worm had fianlly turned and she'd had a dose of her own medicine. It was wrong of him, no doubt about it, but I heard no one condemn him - most people wondered what had taken him so long. It was the end of their marriage and I don't know what happened to him. I'd like to think he found someone nice to settle down with.

I think there's a difference between understandable behavior and acceptable behavior. That is, DD sometimes bites me when she's really fed up (she's 15 months). This is developmentally and situationally appropriate. I totally understand where she's coming from. But it's still unacceptable! It's just that the remedy is different than it would be if she was 4, or if she bit unprovoked.

Similarly, hitting back when you're stressed and in a violent relationship is understandable behavior. It's still not an OK response.