Is there EVER a situation where a dp/dw/dh deserves a slap?

[HappyDaddy]

I'm going to get flamed but I'd like you all to read this carefully before replying.

My exw, was a bullying, manipulative control freak. I left her because I could take no more of her ways, she regularly slapped, poked, kicked and hit me in niggly little ways or to embarrass me in front of others. Never punched or beat me up as I'm twice her size but enough to belittle me. This wasn't as a result of arguments of me making snidey comments but just because she found it funny or embarrassing for me. Even when she attacked me full on, when i announced that i was leaving her that day, I never hit her. I restrained her and tried to push her away, as our dd (then 3) had come in and was crying. She scratched and bruised my face, shoulders arms and back and threw a stool at me.
My question is this. Physically she's 5ft and I'm 6ft2 and quite stocky. I knew that if I ever hit her she'd have be arrested for assault and that I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I never ever raised my hands in anger as it isn't my nature. My current dw is of the opinion that some women, like her, deliberately provoke men, like me, as she knew that I'd never hit her. Is there ever any justification for a man hitting a woman? Or do you think it's a no no NO MATTER what the provocation is?

This is a genuine question, I'm not a troll getting off on weird questions. Please don't just say that violence is never the answer, I already know that....

Walking away from her didn't prove you were less of a man though, HD. In my opinion, walking away made you more of a man, and an infinitely nicer person.

The problem with leaving, is that that is the very time when a woman (and her children) are most at risk of being murdered. Sometimes, it's safer to stay than to leave.

Agree with wwb - walking away showed that you are sane.

Caligula, do you not think that perhaps if I'd fought fire with fire she'd have learnt that I wasn't such a doormat?

My mum used to be/is like this in that she used to start arguements and they would escalate until she got a slap from my step-dad. She would then act all wounded like it wasn't her fault and then probably have noisy sex - um nice - and she is a social worker She was also a bit keen in giving myself and db a slap.

She had an abusive relationship with my dad and I think it just rocks her boat IYSWIM.

Myself and db have got relationships where in a month of Sunday's it would never be violent AT ALL!

I love my mum but tbh I couldn't condem my step-dad for giving her a slap as she would just go on and on and at the end of the day she wanted one - weird and sad.

I think you are well rid of your ex - and you are commended for self-control - how many would do the same if they were goaded continually.

I will never slap my dp and my dd and dbump will never witness violence in my household - I know how f**cked it makes you!

and although it's slightly different it's still 'abuse'.

My dad from as young as I can remember always used to verbally abuse my mum, lots of shouting, swearing name calling, intimidation (as far as I know he never hit her), etc etc. Mum put up with it for years and years and never ONCE did I hear her swear infront of us..........then when I was 15 (old enough to be dicussing these types of things with her) I told her she should swear back at him next time he lost his temper and went off on a tangent.

2 days letter she did - brother and I were sat downstairs in the living room, they were upstairs looking for something, Dad's temper blew up shouting swearing the works.......suddenly instead of tears from my mum there was the longest, most vile words came out of my mum's mouth......not a word from my dad, but he appeared downstairs VERY quickly, sat in 'his' chair and sulked for the rest of the day .

He still loses his temper even today (10yrs on) but he doesn't take it out on her with verbal abuse

Hitting someone shows them that you will use your physical force to control them if they step out of line.

No it's NOT so simple. As I said 5 1/2yrs ago DH slapped me (hard) around the face - he's never even laid a finger on me since......not even grabbed my wrist when before I sorted my anger management out I used to lash out at him.

All forms of abuse - psychological, economic, emotional and physical - come from the abuser?s desire for power and control.

HappyDaddy - you were what is termed a "battered husband". Am glad you got out of this destructive relationship and are now happy.

I don't think I was a battered husband, not by a long chalk. She never beat me up, just lots of little slaps, kicks, pokes and punches, none of which hurt much. To think, she used to lose her rag if I so much as intimated that she was an idiot.

I'm really pleased that this has returned so many well thought replies, I was expecting a MN arse kicking!

"Caligula, do you not think that perhaps if I'd fought fire with fire she'd have learnt that I wasn't such a doormat?"

No HappyDaddy, I think that she would have gone straight to the police and have you charged! She enjoyed holding that power over your head and knew that, being a woman, she was in a strong position. You were and are the better person for having not risen to her - IMO it's exactly what she wanted.

So Gwenick, how do you know he'll never hit you again?

Do you behave yourself because you're a civilised person and you've sorted out your anger management issues, or do you behave because otherwise he'll hit you? I think that's the moot point.

HD, it may have shown her you're not a doormat, but it would have dragged you on to her mad territory. You wouldn't have been a doormat, but you'd have been a different kind of nutter, ifswim. Walking away and keeping your self control and self-respect, made you not the nutter in the relationship.

I was expecting a MN arse kicking!

Shhhhhh you don't want to say things like that or someone will come in and start a fight

Personal Opinion - If i was to hit DP i would expect to be hit back.
I don't think it is acceptable for a woman to hit a man anymore than it is for a man to hit a woman.

I think all this rubbish about a man should be restrained and never retailiate is utter crap - it works both ways and neither is acceptable.
Personally if someone hits me, i will hit them back regardless if it is a man or a woman and i think the same rule should apply to men.

So Gwenick, how do you know he'll never hit you again?

Because I know he won't - I KNOW that was a a one off.

Do you behave yourself because you're a civilised person and you've sorted out your anger management issues, or do you behave because otherwise he'll hit you? I think that's the moot point.

He hit me 5 1/2yrs ago - I finally sorted out my anger managment issues about 3yrs ago - you do the maths! I was lashing out at him FREQUENTLY up until 3yrs or so ago........and never did he even lay a finger on me. Even the time I threw him on the bed (Ladies if you're 5ft and petite - don't throw a 6ft big built man with one arm - it hurts!) and punched him he never retaliated.

Him laughing at me the following morning after we'd made up and I'd pulled a muscle in my shoulder was the most humiliating bit by FAR.

Springchicken you are ignoring the fact that in general (not always) men are bigger, heavier and stronger than women.

If I hit a man, he probably won't notice. If he hits me with the same amount of force, he'll probably put me in the hospital.

I think it's wilful to ignore that.

Gwenick's example is a good one - she hit her DP and ended up injuring herself.

Caligula, I think that men always have the physical differences in mind. I think that's why so many bullying men resort to violence, it's the one thing they are usually guaranteed to be able to use effectively.

So Gwenick, are you saying that you have now sorted out your anger management issues and that that is why you behave in a more - er - restrained manner?

Yes in self defence, but otherwise no.

Caligula - PERSONAL OPIONION!!! I am not ignoring any facts thankyou very much. I am expressing my opinion which is what HappyDaddy asked for in the first place.

HD, I think you're right; civilised men do bear the physical differences in mind. Whenever I hear a man talk about sauce for the goose, I immediately know he's not civilised.

Gwenick I totally see where you are coming from and I admire your honesty.

HappyDaddy,

With reference to your comment:-
"I don't think I was a battered husband, not by a long chalk. She never beat me up, just lots of little slaps, kicks, pokes and punches, none of which hurt much".

Point taken but I was wondering how you would define the term "battered husband?". It's a term often used to describe men in abusive relationships.

You were certainly belittled in this relationship by her out of her desire for power and control over you. You doubtless had no idea where to turn to seek help as you may have felt you would not be believed.

So Gwenick, are you saying that you have now sorted out your anger management issues and that that is why you behave in a more - er - restrained manner?

Yes - I DO still lose my temper ocassionally (like my Dad does too) but I no longer lash out or hit. Him hitting me 5 1/2yrs ago made no 'real' difference, as I continued to behave in a violent manner for another 2 1/2yrs.

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