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Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
Mybox · 15/10/2009 09:18

What an awful time desolate - sending you lots of supports. Like everyone has said - keep strong, pack up your things and get on with being the fantastic person you are. Your exdp will be surprised at your strength and will be bogged down in his own stupidity.

sarah293 · 15/10/2009 09:20

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HappyWoman · 15/10/2009 09:26

carry on packing - obviously no need to make the place tidy or clean for his return - so dont worry about working in a complete mess.

He has no idea what you are going through and at this moment probably doesnt care. He will though - when he sees what he has lost. Unless of course this new woman really is the 'one' in which case you are well out anyway.

All that you are feeling is normal and slowly you will begin to feel better but it will take time - be kind to yourself.

zazen · 15/10/2009 09:46

Sorry this is happening - but I have the feeling this might just be the best birthday gift he could give you Desolate.

I'm wondering at you saying that you will miss his nieces and grandmother?
Why will you have to stop contact with them?
Surely you can pick up the phone and arrange to meet them - it's not like you need permission from your XP.

You are in charge of your own life now, and can see whomever you like. He's not calling the shots in your life now.

You call and see whomever you want.
Don't lick your wounds and "miss people".

You have a right to be happy.
Good luck in your new life

sayanything · 15/10/2009 09:46

Desolate, I can only echo what the others have said. Please focus on one thing at a time - packing and getting out of the house for now - and take things slowly. It will take you time to deal with your grief, right now you need to think only of yourself and your next steps.

Big hug.

FABIsInTraining · 15/10/2009 09:57

I thought he was expecting you to be there when he got back on Sunday to let you know how they got on?

Just take what you need and find someone to help you pack. There must be someone.

mrsjammi · 15/10/2009 10:15

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Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 10:24

Although I know that packing and leaving are top of my list, I felt that I needed to know who this woman is who has wtecked my relationship.

I know that it will look like time wasting but I really, really needed to know. I realise that N has taken great care to ensure that I only know that briefest of details but I've been able to put two and two together.

He had said her first name to me and it's quite unusual. I'd noticed someone of that name asking to be made his friend on Facebook a few weeks ago and remembered the surname too, so I researched her in a marriages index and saw her marrying a guy in 1993 and another guy in 2005. I looked on Friends Reunited this morning under both her married names and found an old entry she hadn't upadated from about 2000. I was startled to read that she was married then to a guy in the Royal Navy and was stationed with him and their two children in Gibraltar - the names of the kids fit exactly. Neil was at the Naval Base in Gibraltar from 1999-2001 .............
AS the mists parted in my mind, I waguely remembered him telling me once about someone's wife in Gib who really made a play for him and that he didn't say no, of course ......

She must have got a divorce around 2003 and married the poor sap who's at home looking after the kids this week in 2005.

Knobber Neil found her on Facebook about three months ago and their swapped messages must have got increasingly torrid to the point where they thought let's do it again and that's why they met up in August when N was in Portsmouth. There's an entry for a Travelodge for that date on his bank statement.

I know that people will say it really doesn't matter who it is, but it does, it does.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 15/10/2009 10:26

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Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 10:27

Apologies for the atrocious spelling!

OP posts:
Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 10:29

Packing? Slowly but surely.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 15/10/2009 10:37

If she is that important to him you'll find out soon enough anyway. If they end up never seeing each other again then who she is dooesn't really matter. It's him you had the relationship with and him you should blame for ending your relationship. Too many women focus their anger on the other woman rather than their ex. She hasn't made any committment to you, he has. Her husband can get angry with her. If you aren't 100% sure this is the right woman I wouldn't go making any phone calls to him though.

Chickenshavenolips · 15/10/2009 10:42

They both sound like selfish, thoroughly unpleasant people desolate, so trust that they will reap what they sow. Concentrate on yourself, and getting out of this situation with your dignity intact. You will get over this betrayal and be happy again.

FABIsInTraining · 15/10/2009 10:45

Is he with her now?

Does work think he has booked a week off work to be with you?

What does he think you are doing now?

What does he think is going to happen when he comes back on Sunday?

HappyWoman · 15/10/2009 10:46

It is perfectly normal to want to know as much about her as possible - it is only human nature so dont let anyone say otherwise.
Of course she has not made a commitment to you but that does not mean she does not have any idea of the pain she is causing.
OW have a knack of justifying what they are doing by saying it is him that owes you (yes of course he is much more to blame). but when you think someone who doesnt even know you can willfully go out of their way to cause hurt for their own fullfilment then i think you have a right to whatever feeling you have towards her.
You did not invite her into your life (he did) but its still ok to hate her, and you certainly have done nothing wrong by getting information about a stranger through legal public sites.

scroobiuspirate · 15/10/2009 10:48

of course you needed to know. you can take in the info, and then diregard it at your own pace.

knowledge IS power.

diddl · 15/10/2009 10:51

Can´t anyone on the base help you?

2rebecca · 15/10/2009 11:02

People don't necessarily reap what they sow and these 2 may end up living happily together. I don't think you should expect someone who treats you badly to necessarily have a miserable future so that you can feel happy in the future.
He sounds as though he has no respect or love for you and that is why you should leave him, to find someone who does love you. Whether he is happy or not in the future is irrelevent.
You can become very bitter if you can only be happy if your ex is having a miserable time.

mrsboogie · 15/10/2009 11:37

hang on? so her children are his children then? or are they someone elses? that means she has had 3 husbands no?

PixiNanny · 15/10/2009 11:40

I've been following this but haven't posted as I felt out of place doing so. However I'm so glad you're closer to finding her husband. Tell him as soon as you find out. Where abouts are you? I'm sure somebody would be around to help you pack and get sorted?

wheresmypaddle · 15/10/2009 11:53

Hi Desolate,
Hope you are doing OK. I think that those suggesting that you make packing a priority are right- IMO ideally you should aim to be up and gone by the time he returns. There are many reasons why this is a good option- all of which have been covered already.

However, sounds like you are struggling to pack your things and totally understandably mulling over what has happened and with who. Its so normal to be struggling in this way and to find it hard to gather your thoughts together enough to pack up and move to your flat. That's why having some help would be invaluable to you right now.

In an ideal world it would be so helpful if you could talk things over with someone face to face and ask them to help you pack. Sorry to labour the point but is there noone who can help- maybe someone who is a kind person but who you don't know that well would do it. I know if one of my neighbours who I don't know needed help I would gladly be there for them- you might be suprised at who could help if you reach out and ask. If talking to someone you don't know well seems too much then maybe they could just help you pack.

If you felt comfortable telling us whereabouts you are located (roughly) there may be a Mner who would help (I would- and others have said they would also.

Really hope you are doing OK.

HappyWoman · 15/10/2009 11:56

please tell her h - or get someone to do it. It will probably break his heart but he does have a right to know - and as you do know by not saying anything you may be making his pain worse in the future.

This pair could well have a happy life together - some people seem able to disregard other peoples feelings and never have any remorse. It is just a comfort to live in the hope that one day they will see what they have done.

However when that time comes the best thing is for you not to even care - i have seen this before when friends have split. There is a time when the focus is on revenge (and this usually involves the thought that one day they will be unhappy too), but slowly the focus does shift and that is far healthier.

Anyway until that time - do not feel bad for any of the feeling you have of revenge or wanting justice - it is normal.

wheresmypaddle · 15/10/2009 12:07

Sorry to go against the grain but I feel Desolate has enough to deal right now without trying to work out how to contact other woman's H and making a very difficult call to him.

Don't get me wrong, it is the right thing to do, he needs to know, but I just think its a bit tough to expect Desolate to do it right now.

Just a thought....please don't take offence anyone.....

diddl · 15/10/2009 12:10

Yes, best not to care.

I was left for someone else,and thought that when the same happened to him I´d be delighted.

It was a forgone conclusion that she would cheat.

And when she did, and they split, all I felt was for the children that they had had by then.

HappyWoman · 15/10/2009 12:24

I agree she has had enough to think about - but i doubt she really is thinking about much else and in fact now that she has some info she may be working out what to do with it.

I contacted the ow h (he already knew), but once i had done it to let him know that i too knew i felt a huge weight lifted. I think he was grateful too (if a little sorry that he did not have the guts to let me know himself) I didnt blame him for not contacting either - just felt very sorry for him.
I know the ow was cross though and thought i should not have done that - she had already left him by then.

You have no idea what is going on in the ow marriage - it may well be over or he may like the op already know.

But i do think that until she has told the ow it will hang over her as to wether she has done the right thing.