Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 12:26

mrsboogie

She's been married twice; the two kids are from her first marriage which lasted from 1993 to around 2002. During that marriage her husband spent time with the Navy in Gibraltar and I believe that N was based there at the same time and had a fling with her. Neither of the children is my partner's - they just had a brief affair.

She married her second husband in 2005 and lives with him and the children from her first marriage in Gosport.

OP posts:
pofacedandproud · 15/10/2009 12:36

desolate I know it is incredibly hard but how is it going to help you to know the details about this woman? There is nothing you can do about it. Your ex is an absolute wankstain and you should be turning your energies into a positive new start to your life. Get out of the flat. Leave him. Do not be there when he gets back, and do not waste any more energy getting bogged down in morbid fascination about the other woman. Please.

HappyWoman · 15/10/2009 13:29

pandp it probably will not do any good to use her energy with some thoughts - however it is a process that she needs to go through.
Just as with any form of shock - going over it again and again does not help - except that it gets it out of your system.
I believe that it is better to go with the way your body is telling you - eventutally her mind will tire of the work (and that is when real-life helps is really good).

Desolate if is helping you get through the time for now - dont add to it by worrying that you are not a good person for thinking certain things that i am sure you are.

Do try and pack as much as you can - but more importantly dont feel bad if you feel overwhelmed by it all. Small steps will still make progress. Each thing you pack is a piece closer to you being free.

pofacedandproud · 15/10/2009 13:38

oh god no, nothing to do with not being a good person, I completely understand why you feel this way. But I do think it is very important that you are out of the house before he gets back, and I do think at some point you have to force yourself to move forward, not sure if it happens naturally.And that when you do, then you start to feel better, slowly.

MorrisZapp · 15/10/2009 14:09

Personally I think it's quite natural to develop a passionate desire to know as much about certain people as possible - so I don't blame anybody from making a few mouseclicks and finding out a few facts.

But I agree with the poster who said that desolate has enough to worry about right now without having to contact OW's husband.

Of course the guy has a right to know about his wife cheating, but why appoint the poor OP who is already in bits as chief bad news breaker? It is neither her responsibility nor her problem imo.

From everything said so far, it looks like the OW will be 'outed' soon enough anyway when presumably Nobber gets together with her officially in the weeks to come.

Desolate, concentrate now on packing up and leaving this twat, the facts will all come out soon enough and you will know it all then. The OW's husband is not your issue to worry about and he may well know anyway.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 15/10/2009 14:12

I have ready this sad thread desolate and really feel for you. What a hideous situation for you.

Something makes me think you are in London? My DH is at Northwood (Navy too but hopefully not of the Neil variety) If you need help, I could give you a hand IF you're local.

it won't be of much comfort to you, but I know one ex Navy nobber (not Neil) who spent his time (including time in Gib) shagging most things that moved. His ExW is a friend of mine (and others) and he is persona non grata.

Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 18:47

FABisInTraining

"Is he with her now?"

Yes. He left home on Tuesday morning, did an event thing near home during the day then drove down to the South Coast late in the evening and picked her up.

"Does work think he has booked a week off work to be with you?"

Oh yes. He told me, with great glee, that on Monday afternoon he had sent a 'desperate' e-mail to the Royal Marine who is his manager in which he said "Desolate and I are having a crisis week and I need to take emergency leave to be with her and see it through".

"What does he think you are doing now?"

I don't think I'm even featuring on his radar. He's booked into a nice hotel with slutface so that they can "get to know each other". He's not thinking of me. If I do cross his mind, he'll be thinking "she's crying while packing her things up. Hopefully she'll remember to iron my shirts as well." I'm hoping that he might also wonder whether I'm looking for her husband's phone number, but I doubt it. He's terribly confident about how he's arranged the week.

What does he think is going to happen when he comes back on Sunday?

He'll be of the opinion that whatever happens when he comes back on Sunday will be exactly what he wants and nothing else. I imagine that he thinks he will find me all upset but that a sharp "pull yourself together" will sort me out, while he regales me with stories of how fabulous the week was and how damn sexy she is.

OP posts:
AvengingGerbil · 15/10/2009 18:49

You need to contact his manager and tell him that he is not spending his 'emergency leave' with you.

At the very least it should be a disciplinary matter for lying to his boss.

So sorry you are going through this.

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2009 18:51

so you are not going to be there

are you ? < hard stare >

diddl · 15/10/2009 18:53

Oh goodness!

Can you ask his manager for help to move out?

Or at least tell him partner is not having a crisis-he is shacked upin a hotel & has left you to move out alone.

If nothing else, you could surely contact himin the guiseof not knowing the "protocol" for vacating forces premises?

Morloth · 15/10/2009 18:53

Call the head marine and inform him of the lie about the time off.

Wash his shirts TODAY and leave them in the washing machine (don't feel like you need to use washing powder - the environment and all that).

Pack up and GO. Don't give him contact details, just fucking GO.

Janos · 15/10/2009 18:53

He's very confident you aren't going to dob him in, isn't he desolate? Adding arrogance to his ever growing list of unpleasant character traits.

Perhaps you should. You could always do it accidentally on purpose in your distressed state.

Have you let any RL friends/neighbours/colleagues know what is going on? I can completely understand you might not want to but if you do ask them for help or let them know, I think you will be pleased and surprised at the level of support out there.

Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 18:53

ScaryF

of course not, I'll be long gone.

To be honest, I couldn't bear to see him now. I don't want to look at his face, I don't want to hear his voice.

OP posts:
FABIsInTraining · 15/10/2009 18:54

Fucking hell. He really is a piece of work.

I think you should tell his boss he is not with you and has lied.

I think you definitely need to leave, don't iron his shirts, and file for divorce quite honestly.

I would call his husband right now.

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 15/10/2009 18:58

Gosh desolate. Well done for leaving.

I really hope you let his manager know what is REALLY going on, and that the housing unit, or whatever it is called, is informed that he will no longer require this accommodation as he will be single as of next week, having broken up with you.

ParisFrog · 15/10/2009 18:59

Leave, please leave him! Why do you deserve to be treated this way?

Janos · 15/10/2009 19:00

This man really is a vile piece of work.

He's not as clever as he thinks he is though, organising his sordid lttle week away, is he?

You know the saying about giving someone enough rope to hang themselves? Well...

JustAnotherManicMummy · 15/10/2009 19:03

I would inform his commanding officer too. Give him as many details as possible, including which hotel if you can.

I was wondering the other day about what you said about helping out in the office. I take it you have MOD clearance to do that? If not I might mention that too.

Don't let Slezoid and Nobber make a fool out of you.

And what QS said.

Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 19:05

His whole damn office knows the truth.

I was really upset that he had used me as an excuse to get "emergency leave" in the cirumstances. He shares his office with one colleague (not the Royal Marine manager, a Naval Warrant Officer). Ever the helpful person, I phoned him on Tuesday and said that I was worried that he might think that N was contactable at home this week but that actually, he was booked into a hotel with a woman he had met on FaceBook. His colleague was really nice and deplored the error of Nobber's ways. In fact, he rang me this afternoon to see how I was, which was kind.

Yesterday, I tried to sell Nobber's Wembley tickets as we couldn't use them and was told that one of the soldiers downstairs was interested. Of course, he asked why N and I weren't going and well, I had to be honest ... didn't I? He was shocked, which surprised me and said "but you two have been together for 4 years ...."

So that's the two floors covered then.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 15/10/2009 19:08

Yay!

LolaAnn · 15/10/2009 19:14

Good work hun

diddl · 15/10/2009 19:15

Well done!!

Any chance any of these guys from the office can help you move?

gingerkirsty · 15/10/2009 19:15

Bloody well done you, I know it's probably very immature and 'you might regret it in the end' yada yada yada but a bit of revenge REALLY helps in these situations I think. And you are only telling the truth, about which he seems to have no shame, so.... Good luck with getting packed up and out of there.

lucky1979 · 15/10/2009 19:17

desolte - well done! I've been following your thread and am so glad you're getting angry and not letting him walk all over you. He's behaving like a knob and it's only fair that he will have to face that with his colleagues when he gets back. Tell the husband as well - better for him to know than keep on believing a lie.

ScaryFucker · 15/10/2009 19:25

ah, this is sounding more like it desolate

I was getting worried earlier that you were doing an impression of a rabbit in the headlights and were so "frozen" by your distress that you were still going to be around for him