Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

Pack and go to new place.

On the way out, clear out the fridge and freezer, switch off the heating and electric. Make it as uncomfortable for him as possible. Petty I know but satisfying. Why should he come back to a comfortable home after a dirty weekend with his new woman and you conveniently out of the picture? GET ANGRY. It can be a constructive emotion which can numb pain and self-pity. It's clear he thinks you are going to lie down and take this. DON'T.

Do not respond to contact from him or try to contact him back. Do contact ALL mutual friends, his colleagues etc and let them know what has happened.

Try to contact the husband before the other two do. We can all help with writing an email or a text if you find it too hard.

Do something you enjoy - meet up with friends, eat too much chocolate, go to a spa. Do something you wouldn't normally do when you were in a relationship with him.

Why should you suffer any more than you have? Why should you go hungry, miss out on sleep, feel isolated? Don't self-pity. The man has behaved like a turd. You don't need extra turds in your life.

You deserve more - he doesn't. You are free to go out and find someone worthy of you.
More than likely he is suddenly going to be lumbered with stepchildren, an angry husband on the warpath, not to mention a lack of respect from family and friends.

Desolate, are you still, deep down hoping that it might not work out with and Nobber Neil and will come back to you? Is that why you don't want to tell her dh?

I can tell you now that men are pretty nonplussed by the woman who doesn't cry and make a scene and just coldly and calmly moves on, it makes them think and feel a bit wobbly about whether they are doing the right thing. i can't imagine for one moment that you would take him back but just in case you are thinking this way.

I myself have never managed to employ this technique but I have a friend who just went without a word when her dh told her he was seeing someone else, he tried to come back a few months later, she didn't let him and he still talks about how he was mad to let her go and she was the love of his life. She has of course moved on and is doing great.

I can't tell her dh largely because I have no contact details for him. Both of them don't exist in any easily traceable form - their number isn't listed and they have opted not to include themselves on the electoral roll.

Nobber's not going to come back to me. He's onto a good thing with sleazoid.

One thing which saddens me is that none of Nobber's friends have rung me to say it's a shame and keep in touch etc even though I have known them all well for over 4 years. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them aren't already arranging to meet sleazoid this weekend.

Are they not on Facebook or Friends Reunited? Believe me I would find them one way or another.

Do all his friends know then? Are they all Navy friends? I will tell you that the friend I mentioned in a previous post whose husband left her, well her exh was in the army, so basically all his army mates were on his side and lets face it you don't know what he is telling them do you? My friends ex told us all she kicked him out so none of us really wanted to ring her. I was the only one who did in the end because she had been my friend before he ever was and I only got the full story then. You may find that he not telling the whole truth to them about this break up.

I know it is hard but try not to think about things like them all meeting this woman, what is happening for you in the here and now is painful enough without adding imaginings into the mix. I do CBT, negative thoughts leading to negative emotions etc predicting the future is a big no no in CBT.

If you CAT me her name and details I will find her husband for you, I promise you that! I am not serious, of course but think about trying to do it. Why on earth should they get away with hurting you like this? and as for that revoltingly justifying phone call from his Mum, well I wouldn't even give that another thought, though I know why it hurts. Look at the son she raised. They sound really toxic.

Desolate, how could any of his friends know - you haven't told them, and Nobber didn't tell his family so unlikely to tell friends just yet either. (Nice to see a trace of anger in your posting btw, anger can be used very constructively.) And, if they did know they're probably all standing well back right now, unsure of what to say and not wanting to make it any harder for you. Most of us are socially inept in this type of situation!

I'm so pleased that you're packing, it's the right thing to do.

A big HUZZAH to you desolate. Good luck with it all.

Why would his friends ring?

They either don´t know or don´t want to get involved, I should think.

They all know by now - Nobber said that he had phoned his best mate and that it was too late for me to ring him and slag N off as he'd been given the true story by N.

Now that I'm not N's partner, I'm of no interest to them to be honest, so it's true -why would they ring?

I'd still stand by many people not knowing what to say to you rather than not wanting to talk to you.

Now, if they've been friends of Nobber for >4 years, they should know his modus operandi by now and recognise it. And I suspect he's inclined to egg the pudding too much - his mum might believe him, but really, imagine the conversation ... "Hi best friend. I'm dumping desolate . Come round and take me out for a beer to cheer me up? That's a very nice offer, but I'm in a hotel room with an adulterous harlot right now, won't be back until Sunday. Maybe you could wipe my tears away on Monday."

TBH, whatever the reason for a split, often friends stick together, so I wouldn´t bother too much.

Be concerned about your friends.

Desolate, you are doing really well. Keep your dignity, it will help you recover in the long run.

Its such a childish response to say that he has told them 'the truth' Eh? truth? He must be pretty creative if he can turn his week into a hotel with OW to being your fault.

He's not very bright.

And I wonder what she is thinking, "Am I next?"

I've been following your thread desolate and just wanted to add a message of support.

I notice 'he' has been telling you allsorts which is designed to make you doubt yourself and feel bad. Kicking someone when they're down is a really shitty trick.

So,'S' supports me, 'Y' thinks I'm doing the right thing, 'all my friends know the truth and think I'm still the dogs bollocks' etc.

Have you noticed where all that is coming from? What's your source of information there?

Yup, HIM.

Bet you anything he's talking out his arse.

Don't worry too much about HIS friends though. Concentrate on your friends and family.

Well, when I´ve split from a bloke-including one cheating on me, their friends have never phoned me.

Never thought anything of it, tbh.

Oh desolate you poor, poor thing. If it makes any difference this man will NOT have a joyful life, with this Woman or with any Woman I suspect.

It sounds to me like you have been a very dedicated, subservient, deferential Partner (please don't take this the wrong way) and it is going to take you a while to heal. Now you have your dignity, keep it. Do not get into mud slinging. I am sure the OW Husband may even have an idea what is going on. That it not your concern anymore. Just take time to heal and take care of yourself and move on.

He is a nasty piece of work. I am sure he has shown you this side before, guys do not behave like this out of the blue, perhaps deep down you were not happy and thoughts like this will give you strength that this is for the best. You are rid of him. Lots of positivity coming your way x

Desolate

You sound like a loving lovable person. It is his loss not yours - even if you do have a broken heart and churning stomach right now.

I think the key message on this thread is dignity. I expect you want him to know how much he has hurt you? Guilt from him....hmmm does not sound very likely. BUT even if he does feel terrible and regret it I honestly think you will regret losing any dignity over this man.

Get out, and maintain a silence as far as possible.

Wish it was possible to come and help you pack...do you know anyone local who would be able to do that/

PS I agree with letting her poor husband know if you possibly can without involving her children. Is he in the Navy?

ok, so you are moving out. Presumably if their trial run works out she will be coming back to dump her husband and move in with him..

I really think a few discretely secreted prawns about the house are in order. Their scent can linger like the stench of that pair's skanky little affair.

Please let his CO and Defence housing know that you are leaving this MARRIED QUARTER. As he will no longer be entitled to it (only MPs and Ministers are allowed to claim other peoples spouses as their partners for such benefits). Don't worry he won't be homeless but he can and should live in the mess with the other SINGLE service people and the flat will go to another service couple/family.
Also, as some else suggest make sure you have a witness to the flats codition before living - save problems later.
If you need some-one to talk have you tried the base chaplain. I've found them very helpful in the past - they even count civvies as part of the congregation for pastoral aid purposes. If your ex's is Devonport based I can find you the numbers tomorrow.

Desolate - very glad to hear that you are moving out, absolutely the right decision.

If Nobber's friends are forces friends then don't be surprised or take it personally that they have not contacted you. My experience with the forces is that infidelity is fairly well accepted.

A close friend in the army did say that his colleagues came before his wife as his life depended on them

I've had another very bad night with only about 2 hours sleep and am beginning to shake through lack of sleep. I ache all over aned feel very sick.

This is impacting on the packing and there is no way I am going to have everything packed and transported elsewhere before he comes back. I feel that he has put me in an impossible situation by ending our relationship on Monday then saying he would be back on Sunday. I honestly don't think it crossed his mind that I would want to pack and leave before his coming back or that the volume of stuff around the flat would make it difficult for me to do. I also think that he has no understanding of how doing this could cause such pain and make the person he's just jettisoned be poleaxed by distress. I can't help thinking that he did what he did, not because he thought that the five day break was the right time for me to leave and that this was what he wanted me to do, but purely so as to cover his back so he could say to everyone "well I told her before I left what the score was" and perhaps because we normally speak a lot by mobile and he wanted to do something which would upset me so much that I wouldn't want to call him and disrupt their special time.

I would have given anything not to go through this.

is there anyone to help you?

No, I'm completely alone.

I making an educated guess that he has isolated you from your friends and family, hasn't he?

There may be local MNetters around who would be willing to lend a hand, desolate. Where are you based?

Please do and speak to somebody as while MN is a wonderful support right now you need RL help.

Thinking of you x

Desolate sorry to hear you never got any sleep, but fwiw I think you have made the right decision by moving out, can you give us a rough idea where you are, there is a base near me but think its just royal marines I would come and help you if you were nearby.

If the house is his then I would find it strange if he told you he was going to stay with another woman for a few days and expected to find you there on his return. It sounds as though he is not thinking of the effect on you at all and is totally bound up with the new woman. The fact that you are miserable at the ending of the relationship probably doesn't really affect him as he is emotionally elsewhere.
I would take the main things and leave the other stuff. I think having 5 days to remove your stuff is quite alot of time, many women pack and leave men over a day or a few hours. You just need the stuff you really need and any stuff you want and feel is yours but that he might not let you have. The rest can be argued over later.
It sounds a horrid thing to go through but I wouldn't waste energy worrying about his feelings and whether he knows he's upset you.