Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

I think, as it is a Navy property, you should remove everything that is yours, or purchased with your money. Make sure it is reasonably clean, tidy, double check you have taken absolutely everything, then inform the relevant authorities that you are leaving, and why. Get them to inspect the property, lock it up, and post the keys through the letter box.

That way you have a witness that all has been left in good order. I just have a feeling that this man is childish and vindictive. Don't give him any chance to do any damage and blame you. You need to walk away with your head held high.

Definitely don't do any damage to the property.

I agree with abedelia. His mother sounds ridiculously indulgent, and like a stupid, adolescent fantasist to boot. This isn't a hopelessly romantic love match, it's a squalid, pathetic affair. And your OH is not a man in the grip of a love that's too strong to resist, he is a deceitful, selfish, sneaky little prick who found an old flame on the internet and is deluded enough to think that he can make it work.

Ugh.

so he thinks he's got it all sewn up does he? well he isn't taking into account her family! she is going to have to break her kids' and presumably her husband's hearts. That's not going to be all plain sailing. They won't be dispatched and dismissed with a quick phone cal to someone's mother. Yes, he will be saddled wuth some unhappy step children. And hopefully has husband will plant one on him when he finds out.

You really ought to be telling the husband. I so would. Then I would clear my stuff out of the house, ring the twat and tell him the husband knows, that he is going to fight her for her kids and is gunning for him big time. Let's see how that affects their rediscovery of each other.

He has no doubt told his mother all sorts of outrageous lies about you and how its been over for ages and blah blah blah. He will reap the rewards of his actions one way or another.

BUT DO TELL THE HUSBAND!!

He is 49. Not 18. Actually - my 18 year old wouldn't behave the way this man is doing, and even if he did, he would get short shrift from me! You sound like a lovely lady and you deserve so much better.

no.

My ex may be a bit of an arse, but your DP truely takes arsehood to a new level.

I'm not sure if you feel you are ready to leave him, but please don't settle for being second best - you might be pleased in the short term if he comes back to you, but in the long term it will eat away at you and you will feel wretched.

There's nothing more lonely and soul destroying than standing by a man who respects and loves you so little that he will happily fuck other women while still being in a relationship with you.

Trust me - I stayed with one for two years. It wrecked me.

Im just going to pretty much echo the comments about leaving ASAP with your dignity intact.
Sorry to be so crude but you only need one arsehole in your life and thats the one you poo out of!
Good luck with what you decide to do.
Try to stay strong.

Aww poor you Desolate.

I am not surprised by his mother's reaction though. When it comes to family there is no concept of justice. Family will almost always side with their own, regardless of who is morally right.

That is sort of the way it should be. That does not mean that she isn't giving him a hard time behind closed doors.

People will line up to take sides in a situation like this. You have the moral high-ground, your family and friends.

Don't forget mumsnet is around at 3.45am and you can post in chat if you need someone to talk to.

Take 3littlefrogs advice and get out of that flat with your head held high. Any stuff you can't fit in your flat get put into storage.

Clear out your joint accounts and then close them and any credit cards. This may mean opening one for yourself. You can do this at most high street banks (avoid Halifax though as they've got some funny ideas about charging for overdrafts). You must cut all ties to this man and protect yourself from hurting you further.

You poor thing, he's a wanker (and a nasty one at that) and his mother is a prize cow.

I know that it's shit for you now and that you feel broken but in time you will look back and be thankful that he's not in your life.

You sound far too nice to put up with this crap.

And yes, I agree that you should tell the husband.

I would leave and take my share of household stuff as you have a flat to go to. If I hadn't another flat I'd be looking for one to rent urgently and staying with friends/ relatives in meantime. Different if house is half yours. Long term living together leaves you with far fewer rights than getting married and if bloke is wealthier usually works in the bloke's favour.
I'm not surprised at his mum's attitude. Biological families usually stick together when relationships break up.
Hopefully your parents will support you.

Desolate - what do YOU want to do?

Unfortunately, apart from walking away now with some dignity and respect for yourself or staying to be used by this poor excuse for a man then I'm not sure what else you can do right now to change things
If your (d)p has spoken to his mum and she is now saying to you that he and ow are meant to be and at the start of their relationship blah, blah, blah then without a shadow of a doubt, I would be hell-bent on letting the ow's dh know. I believe he has a right to know that his wife is testing out an old love!
I would make their lives as difficult and chaotic as I possibly could - but that's just me
You are better than this "man" and he will get what he deserves eventually. Pack your things, move out, let the world know what he's capable of and start to live your life again

Tell the husband, remove everything you own from the flat and walk away NOW. There is nothing left to do. This is up there with the coldest behaviours within a relationship I have ever heard of. Only topped by my friend's exh who left her when she was 6 weeks off giving birth to their 2nd child to be with OW and then told everyone that my friend threw him out so she didn't even get much sympathy or support until we all found out the real story. In this case his own mother didn't speak to him for years, so disgusted was she by his behaviour.

Yes I really think this is nearly as bad as that. He is a f*cking horror of a human being and his Mum is nearly as bad.

You must feel utterly destroyed but you have to do some practical stuff now and do some damage limitation. He is shown repeatedly he does not care how you feel, do not, under any circumstances stay around so he can "see" how much he has hurt you. He does not care, it is quite clear.

Ok... I think what his mum says authorises you BIG TIME to ring the husband.

Then, pack your things, leave a nice iron mark in each of every one of his uniform shirts. Write home-wrecker on his car. And then leave.

Holy moley. I've heard of some vile arsewipes in my time but this man redefines the genre.

(as an aside, the most immature, self indulgent, heartless tosser I have ever had the misfortune to meet was called Neil. Sadly the Neil I knew would have lacked the motivation required to write his name on the form to enter the forces so hurrah, there are two utter c*s called Neil out there. What joy it brings me to know that they will get what's coming to them one day.)

Look, there are positives here. You've got your own flat to go to, that's fantastic. Indeed it's half the battle.

You're a mature woman and have only been with this laughable loser for four years, so you have a whole life of experience that he had no part of.

Loads of women meet the love of their lives after 50, or discover a great new way of living alone. The fact is, without this ape bringing you down you are free to discover your future, and write it the way you want it.

Do not contact him unless it is for an absolutely imperative, practical reason, and if you speak to him at all keep it brief and as unemotional as you can manage.

You can do this, you will do this.

'Women are like teabags - it's only when you put them in hot water you see how strong they are'.

You are extra strength Yorkshire tea with two sugars my dear. Bin this man's sorry behind and enjoy the rest of your life on your own terms.

Desolate Have you left the navy house yet? Have you got your exit plan in place? When is (d)p due back?

Everyone on here is saying leave the property - I don't think I can add to the advice you have already been given other than it would be wisest and much more dignified not to be in this house when he returns.

Did you remember to eat today?

You may find its easier to pack and sort out your things before he gets back rather than after. If its after he may get in the way, make a fuss, argue over what you do and do not take etc.

I still think he is hoping you will have left when he gets back, I think thats why he has gone and he was far too small and cowardly to finish the relationship properly. He sounds very immature.

Dont forget to take the computer so he has to get a new set up and so you can still talk here.

Take care of yourself.

Yes do take care of yourself. I'm finding hot chocolate v soothing now that the nights are drawing in (any excuse).

Even if all you can manage is to force down half a takeaway, don't forget to eat. You need your strength.

I'm still here, it's taking ages to pack everything up.

We would have been going to the football tonight; that's £150 down the drain.

Foodwise, I've had some biscuits and a cup of tea.

Good for you that you´re packing.

Are you going to your flat?

If so do you have a friend who can stay a few days or areyou going to a friends?

Have you decided about telling the husband?

Wish you would go to the football anyway - and take someone else! But I understand if you're up to your eyes in packing. I'm so glad you've decided to move out.

Please desolate, tell the husband. You know that being deceived is just the worst thing ever and that man has a right to know. It might even affect his contact rights when this all goes tits up. Men in his situation very often lose their children as well as their wife.