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Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 02/12/2009 02:48

By RealityBites Wed 14-Oct-09 09:39:16
It's funny that he's called Neil.

My cousin's husband left her and their one year old son to try things out with his ex gf (with whom he also had a child).

He's called Neil too.

Funny, my child's dad is called Neil too and left me when i was pregnant and hasnt see my child.

sorry, for that just reading back through the thread and was amazed how many assholes are called Neil

Anyway back to it.......

rowantwig · 02/12/2009 06:42

This whole thread has been really odd.

Most people in this section going through emotional trauma behave in a different way- upset, obsessive, over analysing, questioning, repeating, clearly in turmoil etc. Desolate's habit of throwing a few facts forward, not seeking much feedback on them, and then disappearing off for days on end doesn't ring true to me.

Hopefully, the OP can come back with a more detailed update to prove me wrong.

CaptainRex · 02/12/2009 08:45

TSB - my EA ex was called Neil too - its definately a dodgy name

ILoveStripeySocks · 02/12/2009 09:08

hey! My Neil is lovely!

thesunshinesbrightly · 02/12/2009 11:03

captainRex i do infact stear clear of anyone with that name

Gracie123 · 02/12/2009 11:10

PLEASE get in contact with SSAFA There is no way this gutless monster should have any say in when your relationship finishes. Take that control from him NOW.

It's over, you finished it, and he can be stuck with the lying selfish cow, or he can be a lonely old man, but his behavior so far deserves nothing more.

Soooooooo mad at him

Please get some rl support.

FabIsVeryHappy · 02/12/2009 16:17

Gracie123, wth are you on?

Bigbadmummy · 02/12/2009 20:01

We should have all been wary with the opening line of "can somebody give me some kind words please".

Not coming on asking for some advice or for a rant.

But attention seeking kind words.

Gracie123 · 04/12/2009 12:27

Wow, just realised there was more than one page to this thread
Baby brain humiliates me once again...

Goodadvice1980 · 05/12/2009 15:25

Would be nice to have a proper update Desolate. So many people have watched the thread and posted good advice and warm thoughts for you(including some who even offered to help you move!).

Best wishes.

Goodadvice1980 · 19/12/2009 15:48

Well, I hope you are ok Desolate and that you have good plans for Christmas and New Year.

Would be nice to hear about an update.

ssd · 19/12/2009 16:06

don't know if desolute was/is for real

BooHooo · 19/12/2009 16:20

highly doubt it

Original poster
desolate · 19/12/2009 19:54

I am real.

I had decided to move out while he was away over Christmas but events moved quicker than that.

On the evening of Children in Need, despite the evening having been amicable (I'd made him some soup because he didn't feel well and we'd been watching the TV and laughing), all hell broke loose around 10.30.

She had texted him and he'd gone to the spare room to talk to her. He came back into the living room and asked me when I was leaving. I said that I was taking advice and would know for certain in a few days. He said I was leaving that evening, pulled me off the sofa and dragged me to the door. I screamed, tried to break free but he's 6ft and 20 stone. He threw me onto the carpet outside and my handbag joined me. I ran out onto the estate in the rain - he didn't follow me - I called the Police - they picked me up and took me back but as my solicitor hadn't yet obtained an Occupation Order they couldn't force him to let me in but they did get my coat and shoes and took me to hospital. I was released with some bruising early the next day. My solicitor asked him to let me spend time at the flat gathering my things but he said no. He said that I could only collect things under his supervision.

He's moving himself early in January and I will be collecting my things then. He was persuaded to hand over some clothes and my passport. I've since had a session arranged by the Police with an organisation in Newham which deals with domestic violence.

His relationship with the new woman has gone from strength to strength. He's been treating her to weekends in a country cottage at Goodwood and all sorts; she has got her husband to move out and things are going very well for the two of them.

I'm living on my own in the City in my old flat and hoping to feel better soon.

OP posts:
GroundHoHoHogs · 19/12/2009 23:53

Occupation Order? WHAT? WHY, Desolate, WHY? This, sorry is MADNESS!

Why would you DO that to yourself?

OFGS, that's INSANE! Sorry, but I'm shocked.

Tough love time Desolate. We all advised you, for your own sanity and dignity to get out while he was in the hotel. You have hung on for the last 2m thinking he'd come back to you? You, by lingering made it ever less likely he would want you back. If you'd have left, you'd have possibly had more of a chance.

Sorry to be harsh, but sweetheart you need to face some reality. It's over, it's been over for over 2m. This hanging on will only do YOU harm long term. You will look back on this and it will be mortifyingly embarrassing.

He is a tosser of the first order, he did treat you horrifically badly, but in the end he told you the score. Now, however, the one that is doing you the most damage right now is you yourself.

As I said, sorry to be so hard on you, I know you have to be beside yourself, what you are doing is not rational, and I do genuinely feel for you.

I had lodgers in my house that I wanted to leave. While I'm not condoning his physical removal of you from his house in any way shape of form, I'd have lost my temper with my lodgers if they'd have overstayed by 2 months after I'd asked them to leave.

Please, for the love of GOD, Walk away.

Let him send you your stuff and don't look back. If you go down this bitter, litigious route, you will do yourself and what is left of your self esteem real and lasting damage. No-one, especially this Neil is worth that.

I wish you well, really I do, but you have to be the one that saves yourself now, you have to be your own best friend. Please stop this insanity and just walk away.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope that you have a happy christmas and a wonderful and peaceful new year.

Good Luck Desolate.

Original poster
desolate · 20/12/2009 00:17

Thanks for the hug! I do feel very lonely at the moment and am dreading Christmas.

My solicitor and I decided not to pursue the litigation route when we met for the last time at the end of November. There is no ongoing litigation.

All that remains is for me to recover my things. I would have liked to have looked in the kitchen for my cooking bits and pieces but there we are.

OP posts:
GroundHoHoHogs · 20/12/2009 00:28

Desolate, those things can be replaced, and a teeny bit of retail therapy can do you the world of good.

Don't lose heart, you have had an awful experience, but you at last out of it, free from his feckwittery and free to go on and be happy.

Christmas is hard, but actually it's good you are not leaving the house at Christmas, that's just too much overload tbh.

New Year, New Start.... You can do this! Why not buy some paints etc and give your flat a bit of TLC? It'll keep you busy and give everything a bit of a facelift!

Come on Desolate, you know you can do this!! Be strong woman, the hard part is over. It will get better.

Original poster
desolate · 20/12/2009 22:02

That's a good idea about painting the flat, I think I will do that, at least spruce up my place so that it looks nice when the New Year comes.

Am trying hard to be strong but am sometimes finding it difficult .....

I was thinking this weekend that tomorrow will be the first time he has left London to go away for Christmas without me in his car since 2005 and felt pretty sad. Realised that I needed to ask for some things out of the flat before he goes away and texted him but no reply. I rang him this evening and asked if he had already gone away but he said he had been down to Gosport, picked her and her son up and brought them back to London with him. Sometimes I can't believe how quickly she has progressed everything along. She's taken him from one night in a Travelodge in August to getting him to move in December into a place with her and the kids in Gosport which he will go to at weekends. I wish I had had this control over him. I don't know what her magic is.

OP posts:
dittany · 20/12/2009 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
desolate · 20/12/2009 22:10

I do accept that it is over. It's just the he has gone completely mad over her, spending over 2,000 on trips for her. She can text and say "do this" and he just does.

I'm only in touch with him because he still has my things in the flat and has said that I am only allowed to collect them by request and under his supervision.

I do appreciate your point.

OP posts:
tiredoftherain · 20/12/2009 22:21

Maybe he's happy to spend the money on her because she's right for him. I'm so sorry, it must be agony to hear, but the fact is that for whatever reasons you weren't right together and you need to move on as quickly as you can and start to recover some self respect.

Good luck with your new life.

dittany · 20/12/2009 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsboogiefairylights · 21/12/2009 00:11

her "magic" is that she treats him like a doormat and he acts like one, just like he did with you, OP.

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 21/12/2009 00:24

You will drive yourself nuts thinking about his new relationship- just focus on getting on with your life. He has fallen in love with someone else, clearly. You can't make someone do anything they don't want to.

alypaly · 21/12/2009 00:27

put all his stuff in a bin bag and throw it on the lawn. Change locks.
dont have him back as he is treating you so badly. You dont want to be the other woamn do you.

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