Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

Thank you so much, everyone. I will always remember the help I found here and one day I will try to offer help to other posters in the way you have helped me.

I was in bed when they all came in last night. He came in and asked for the laptop and then sat up drinking wine and scotch with one of the blokes.

This morning I was pretty subdued with him. The CPN was coming for her morning visit so I suggested that he take the bloke out for breakfast and I spent 45 minutes talking to the CPN. She said to decide what I want and begin my journey towards that aim (and other stuff, too). I start at Day Therapy Monday a.m. as the CPNs want me to spend time out of the house and striking out on my own.

Nobber and his mate were clearly determined to have a boys' weekend out and about and have gone into Central London to watch the rugby in a pub. Not wanting to stay in and feel sorry for myself, I had a look at what is on at the Barbican and saw a symposium on the Fall of the Berlin Wall, so booked myself a ticket (only £7.50) plus parking and am about to wash my hair and go out.

Onwards and upwards, I suppose.

Why shouldn't nobber have a boys weekend out? He's asked you to leave several times and you are currently just an unwanted houseguest/ squatter. I'm not surprised he's getting on with his life, or that he got irritated when you wanted to play happy families accompanying him to meet his friend from the station although I don't think he should have hit you.
If I was nobber I'd be highly pissed off with you. You have a flat, you have a 4WD so obviously not short of a bob or 2, you can go to the Barbican on your own. Stop messing around and get out of HIS house. You can see the CPNs etc at your own place. What are you getting out of playing the (unwanted) doormat?

desolate glad you have decided to go out this afternoon, I know how crippling depression can be and you tend to cling to whats familiar, but in reality the thing that you are clining onto is destroying what is left of your confidence. Going out today is a small step in the right direction, listen to your CPN they are there to support you and will continue to when you leave. The therapy is good but please think about leaving this situation soon, you need to get some of the anger back read you OP again and the first few pages or even all of this thread try and see it from a readers viewpoint and think about what you would say to someone else in your postiton. Maybe I am wrong saying get angry again but you need something to motivate you to get out and start your life. ~Do you work ? I cant remember if you said you did. If not try and find a small job that will get you socialising with other people again, that alone can work wonders. Have you spoken to your friend?

Jesus, 2rebecca. What a heartless post. Don't you think desolate is suffering enough without needing to be kicked in the teeth and being called a squatter, doormat, or unwanted houseguest? Desolate is obviously doing the best she can. Maybe her best isn't what your best would be or what some others would do, but there's no need to be cruel.

but i too don't really quite understand why desolate is still there?

You need to leave desolate, how long before he calls the police on you?

You need to leave.

Look Desolate, you are a mature woman. You are not married to the knobber, you have only been with him 4 years, which really is not a long time. You have lived with him for most of this time. You have a car, you have your own flat. He has told you it is over, he has a new girlfriend. (the fact that she is married is really besides the point).

He must be pretty pissed off by now. You are in his home, refusing to leave (from his perspective) and he cant exactly just throw you on the street. You are still trying to act the girlfriend, by coming with him with his friends.

Instead of leaving, you are starting a course of therapy in his area.

Please help us understand what is keeping you there. Would it not be much better for you to leave, and start therapy in your own neighbourhood?

As many people have already said, I think you really have to get to your own flat as soon as possible. It is a completely horrible thing to go through, but if you wait longer he is really going to resent you even more. By his actions, the contempt he feels towards you is growing, and you are just going to get more depressed when he says more horrendous things to you. I do think he will eventually change the locks on you and let you in 'by appointment'. I went through something similar a few years ago with exh, and there is nothing worse than the feeling of being locked out of your own home.
Best wishes, and take up all the offers of help made to you on here

I honestly don't think that there is anything anybody can say to desolate to make her leave.

She has somewhere to go and opportunities when he is out of the flat.

She could be using that time to move stuff to her flat.

For whatever reason this isn't happening and that is her choice.

I'm sorry desolate, but please???? why on Earth did you insisted ingoing when it was already clear he didn't want you there. You really need to be very strong to impose yourself on someone like N. So my question is, why on Earth don't you just leave him alone and stay at a safe distance?

I am on another talkboard which is a lot less female-focused than MN. There is a bloke on that who had been trying to get his ex-gf to move out of his flat for weeks and she just wouldn't go. He kept giving her a bit more time because he was worried for her mental health but actually it wasn't doing either of them any favours. Because as long as he was reasonably nice to her, she could pretend they were still okay. Everyone was constantly telling him he had to get tough with her but he just kept believing that she'd hear him.

In the end he told her he wanted her gone by 5pm one particular day and that if she hadn't left, he would call the police. She left and he changed the locks.

desolate - I'm not saying you're that woman or Neil is that man - Neil has clearly been an utter bastard to you. But it seems to me like you're trying to punish both of you by staying. You're being hugely masochistic and punishing him at the same time by staying.

You wanted kindness from the posters here and you've had it, in spades, but to be brutally frank, it really hasn't done you any good. Because it's vindicating your position.

You're a grown woman and I think it's time you started acting like one. There are no kids involved and you have somewhere to go. Please, please, just leave.

If the genders were reversed here, you'd be getting a massively rough ride IMO

I haven't posted on this thread before but have followed it from the start and I have to agree with everything that Whoosh and Qshadows have said above.

He has asked you to leave and you have refused. Your continuing efforts to play happy families is odd and probably extremely unerving for him.

If you write this story from his point of view: Reunited with love of his life after 10 years, decides to make fresh start, finishes relationship with current partner to be with soul mate. Asks ex to leave his home and gives her plenty of opportunity to do so but she repeatedly refuses..... I almost feel sorry for him.

Well indeed, he has certainly made his feelings known!

Are you waiting for him to chuck you out or for him to get so violent you end up in hospital - and in the care of someone else? Do you feel you are incapable of taking action yourself?

it sounds like you are sort of in shock that your life has to change completely when you were already depressed and not feeling strong in the first place. Maybe once you have adjusted to the shock of it your head will clear and you will leave. its awful but there will not be the ending you want here he will make you leave eventually if you don't leave on your own. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. i hope that team that are helping you do eventually help you enough to feel strong enough to leave on your own, as getting kicked out instead of leaving will make you feel even worse.

I am beginning to wonder for how long this has been going on prior to him having the affair?

It strikes me that he might have tried to finnish with you in more gentle terms, and you have refused to budge. I am beginning to wonder if he thought the affair was to be the final straw for you, a last attempt to make you move out?

I am also beginning to feel sorry for him, thinking if the roles were reversed.

I am beginning to feel that your refusal to move, your insistence of coming with him to see his friends, and going out for meals with him, is not far from mental abuse.

I am sure you dont intend for that, but reading this thread, this is how it comes across at this point, seeing as you have let the situation drag on for so long.

I am also trying to think if You were a man, and he a woman, where the woman (ie Neil) posting "I have tried to finnish with my partner, but he is refusing to listen. He wont move out from my home, but is persistenly trying to be close to me. He comes with me to see friends, I have visitors, and he insist on coming out for meals with us, what should I do?" I am sure the responses would be along the lines of calling the police, having him evicted, getting a restraining order, etc.

Please think about what you are doing by NOT moving out from his home, and on with your life. I am sorry to be harsh, but this has gone on far too long. Please find some help and go. You can come back for your things later.

Tell Neil: "Ok, I realize our relationship is over. you want me out, so please help me move, so we can get this over with quickly. I know you are not keen on helping me right now, but if you dont, this situation will just drag on. So come on, help me load my car up, and I will be back for the rest later."

am in full agreement with QS

Desolate

You're making excuses not to move out - the not being able to find your stuff routine. They're pretexts and really, I'm sure you know this.

Just gather what you can of your self respect, hire a van and pack the stuff. It sounds as though it would take you a day - max. Maybe two.

You need to be away from him to start the process of healing. At the moment it sounds as though you are in denial.

Good luck

I have had to physically restrain myself from posting on this thread for the last few days, or I would have written something like 2rebecca did. I agree with her.

Kindness and sympathy has been delivered by the truckload to this woman. She has utterly disregrded all practical advice.

If this is for real, she is mentally ill and on some strange and inconceivable masochistic kick.

I totally agree with QS who articulated the truth with kindness and not judgementally

I think that continu-ing to say how difficult it is, and how badly he is treating her is counter-productive

She is not listening, she does not care what this is doing to her mental health no matter how outsiders may worry for her, she is too far gone and detached from the reality of it

I feel sorry for this bloke too

Talk of going out to the Barbican and prawn sandwiches.....??????????

Will withdraw again now, and think others should too, we cannot help this lady

urgh, 2rebecca what a vile post.

You are lucky not to be as depressed as desolate, I hope you never have to feel as bad as that yourself one day. Depression saps motivation and self respect.

Yes of course desolate 'should' leave but ffs have some sympathy with what she is suffering.

I agree with AF and QS. So many of you have tried to be supportive of this OP and she is not listening. Have re-read the op and twice, she asks for 'kind words'. Well she has had them by the thesaurus load! And still she stays where she is so clearly NOT WANTED. I too have sympathy for Neil because I wonder how long he has been trying to end this relationship prior to the op? As others have said, if this was a woman posting to say she has asked her partner to leave her house but he is refusing, there would have been calls for her to change the locks, call the police etc.

Having re-read the entire thread, i am beginning to have serious doubts about this.
Desolate has her own flat and her own car so there is no reason on earth why she couldn't go. She has known for at least 4 weeks now, that the relationship is over. Yet she still persists in staying in Ns home and inflicting herself on him. I also wonder about the violence. It was only after it had been suggested by another poster that suddenly, we are told that n has pushed her over.She has arranged cpn visits to take place in Ns home, rather than her flat. Whilst i agree that N sounds extremely unpleasant, we don't know how long ago he began to realise that this relationship had run its course. We have no way of knowing whether he has in fact, tried to end it before but found himself emotionally blackmailed into keeping it going until it became unbearable for him.

And whilst I have enormous sympathy for anyone suffering from depression, as has been said on many other threads, including some that are current, depression might explain why people choose to behave in certain ways, but it does not excuse it. But then, the threads I am referring to are mainly about men being depressed and acting in an unreasonable way towards their partners. So if a man has depression he chooses to act like an idiot but if it is a woman she can't help it? Sounds like MN double standards to me.