Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

You have to get out.

His behaviour is getting worse & will surely continue to do so.

I'm so grateful for your support, all of you, so grateful.

He drove away at speed while I was picking myself up off the ground. I wasn't injured but I was shocked and it had been chucking it down in London this evening so I was all wet where I had fallen in the puddles. I came inside and wasn't sure what to do, so rang the visiting CPN team who have been calling on me each day. I was a bit disappointed, as I asked if one of them could visit me this evening so that N could see when he got back that someone was supporting me and that they probably knew what he had done, but they said that they couldn't help in a situation like this and that if I was concerned for my safety to ring the Police. They promised to visit tomorrow and to be at the end of the phone through the night.

N didn't come back with the guest for about an hour, which means they probably went to the pub so that N could do his PR for Nobber pitch and get the visitor onside and it was clear when they came in that he had done so successfully. The guy's son arrived afterwards and they had obviously all arranged to go out for an Indian without me, but, in a daze, I put my coat on. N said "oh, you're coming ... didn't think you wanted to, well, you can come if you want". Then he said, as we were walking outside "I didn't mean to push you over, just to push you; you only fell over because you tripped over your bag when I pushed you; you made me do it, you called me an idiiot, I only did it because you drove me to it ..... I suppose you've told that team of your's .."

I said that I had and that they had suggested various options; "what options?", he said. "Just options", I said, as I was afraid to tell him that I had considered ringing the Police. "Don't do it again", I said. "I won't be pushed about". To this he said "You don't like it, you know what you can f..cking do .....".

I knew then that I wanted to be on my own for the rest of the evening, so I said I wouldn't bother going to the Indian and drove up to Sainsbury's garage and got a prawn sandwich and a paper to read (and some chocolate ..). I'll be in bed by the time they get back.

I know I'm physically still here but, believe me, my mind and spirit are moving away from him and here all the time.

Desolate,

he doesn't want you there, you don't want to be there, you have a place of your own...

...can you tell us what is either physically or mentally stopping you from leaving?
Help us understand.

His behaviour is escalating and fast.
Is having all of your stuff really more important than being in danger of serious harm or even being killed?

I was just about to write what TWGM just did.

Please help us to help you by telling us exactly what is keeping you there ..... is it for practical reasons, is it that you hope he'll "come round" ???

It's encouraging to hear you say your mind & spirit is moving away from him but what is it that's stopping you doing that immediately ?

Oh God - I'm afraid he really does sound like an idiot, D.

Do you still have access to your other flat? Is it still available to you?

It's good that you are getting support from the community nurses - I hope they can help you feel able to make the right decision for you very soon.

What will it take to leave?
You have a place,you have transport.
He has been violent.
He has guests & will take notice of you this weekend.
Why can´t you go before they get in?
Spend no time doing his chores & you will be packed & out faster.

We are all worried that his hatred of you will result in you getting injured. You could have sustained a head injury when he pushed you over ..... you know you didn't trip don't you .....

Oh desolate

(((HUG)))

this is so sad...desolate its time to leave darling. you know it is. time to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and find the strength to do it. you wont look back, i think its time to go. stay safe. x

I don't understand why this is still going on?

He has told you clearly he doesn't want you in his life
You don't seem to want him.
He's mentally and physically abusive.
He is having an affair with someone else.
You have somewhere else to go and have transport.

What exactly is the real story here?

need to be frank here,he isn't interested in you.he is literally fucking someone else and fucking with your head

you need to bale out get some support
leave dh and his fancy piece to their sordid affair

you must prioritise yourself now
do take care
prepare self for a rough time

thingiebob...dont judge too harshly. my Sister was in the exact same position and just couldnt bring herself to call time on her marriage. took her bloody ages to leave a total and utter twat. but she did it in the end, can just take time to get into the right mindset to do it.

"you made me do it, you called me an idiiot, I only did it because you drove me to it "

You so did NOT. You may have put him at a crossroad but the path he chose was his own. Don't EVER accept that again.

Get out while you can. And if you're making plans, don't let him know.

Sorry if it sounds harsh. I just don't understand. The thread has been going on for over a month and a wealth of support and advice has been given to the poster.
She seems to be disregarding it yet still posting detailed posts on this horrific man's actions.

Sorry, just confused.

Me too. Just scrolled through the last few pages now. He's already said to go and you're still there AND doing the housework?

Why?

(Sorry, don't mean to be harsh....)

cos some women just cant find the strength to up and leave even when they know they should.

Desolate. Simple fact seems to be that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you and he has told you this to your face repeatedly. He has ended the relationship and he wants you to leave.

You have somewhere to go, just leave.

in times of crisis one's judgement and confidence are eroded

hence your inability to decisively act

It's not always as easy as just leaving for some people. As simple as it might seem from the outside.

Desolate - you may believe things will miraculously fix themselves. Chances are they won't, though.

No one should be judging you - it's just that people want you to be safe. It's not right that he is pushing you and making you fall. He doesn't have the right to do that to you, or anyone.

It's good that your mind is moving away from there. That's a healthy way to think...

desolate

He has made it quite clear that he wants you to go and leave him alone.
He has been a real shit but he is giving you the chance to get out now.

It does sound harsh but what would we be telling a woman who wanted her h to leave and he just wouldnt take the hint?

Yes he has done it all wrong - but you are not exactly being fair to him either now are you?

Please get out and respect his wishes - then you can look back and see that you did act with dignity throughout.

I am sure it is so very hard but the only one who can do this is you, we can all support you now and after but it is you that has to actually do that.

Take care

Desolate the hardest and bravest thing to do is just leave. This is without a doubt domestic abuse and if needbe DO ring the police. Think of yourself YOU ARE IMPORTANT and he is a twat.

Honestly, he told you in October that your relationship was over, you said so in your first post "He came home last night and said that our relationship was over".

I know that it's so hard to handle something like this but he has clearly told you that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. He's been really shit and he should never physically hurt you so throwing you to the ground was completely out of order but for your own sake I think you really should try to get some friends or family to help you through this break-up and certainly leave the home you shared together so that you can both move on.

Desolate,

Please ask yourself what you are waiting for, what are you trying to achieve?

If you are waiting for him to snap back to the old Neil, the one that loves you, forget it, that's never going to happen. Certainly not when you are still there.

Right now, he'll just look at you with more of the contempt and hatred he's already shown, and that is growing by the day. It's now gone to pushing & shoving, and then blaming you for it all. Do you think he's suddenly going to have an attack of conscience?

He's a tosser, a really huge tosser, he's treated you abysmally. He's moved on, all caught up in the heady, exciting throws of an impossible relationship with a 'woman' who has no respect for herself, her kids or her husband.

By pushing you to the ground, he's now crossed a line, a massive line. From this very day onwards you are losing your dignity, from now on you are giving him more and more permission to push you, kick you and generally be cruel to you... for sport.

You are now giving him 'funny' anecdotes to tell the bitch of a married lover... You really want to go through all this and have them laugh at you too?

FGS, do the only right thing in all this and get the hell out. you have absolutely no more excuses left. you have transport, you are semi packed and you have somewhere of your very own to go.

Please desolate, wake up!