Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

Desolate, please leave for your own mental health and well being. You no longer have a choice. What do you think will happen if you stay?

Also, why is the OW emailing you and how did she get your address? That seems very odd.

This may not ring true to some but, if it is, effectively telling OP to pull herself together is not going to help.

Those women who have never experinced an abusive relationship simply don't understand how low it can bring you.

Desolate please leave, do you really think you could feel any worse than you are, he is treating you appallingly (sp?). What does this woman mean be resolve the situation, I actually cannot believe the nerve of her, threatening you not to tell her family just so they can enjoy their sordid little secret. I agree with diddl I think that if you stick around nobend neil my end up getting violent from the comment he made to you in the car. I know you said you felt like leaving was too much but really how much lower can you feel? Please talk to samaritans or your GP, he is psychologically abusing you, fuck the housework, fuck him go to your new flat, speak to someone who can help you with your depression. What about your friend who was going to go to Liverpool can you not speak to her? Please treat yourself with the respect that you deserve.

I know how crippling depression can be. How everything can seem like such an effort. How easy it is to procrastinate.

But you really need to get out of this horrible situation.

You are not going to find happiness by staying - and however you may feel about yourself at the moment, you deserve happiness.

You do not deserve to be treated so cruelly. Things can get better. You have the power within yourself to get through this, to come out the other side whole.

Please keep talking. I agree with others who have said try and talk to someone in RL. Going to see your GP would be a good move - and be honest with him/her about how bad things are for you, about your suicidal feelings.

You can call the Samaritans, or try and go and speak to a Samaritan face to face.

Tell your RL friends - and I mean really tell them exactly how bad things are. If you can get a friend to come round and give you practical support, galvanise you and give you energy to pack up and go then try and do this.

You have somewhere to go. I'm afraid I agree with the fact that "Nob-end Neil" is well within his rights to finish your relationship and ask you to leave. Ignore any mixed messages. I too worry about what will happen if he gets really angry, he sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work.

The OW sounds like a horrible, smug, condescending cow TBH. The deserve each other and you deserve better.

Use the help that is available. You can get through this!!!

Desolate, I've only just discovered this thread, but I feel terribly sorry for you. 10 years ago I was in a relationship like this one, with OH going off to test drive new models - usually the same one - regularly ove rhte course of 6 years.

It took almost 6 years of horrendous heartache and going back again and again for more abuse, but eventually I forced myself to have nothing to do with him ever again.... at probably the lowest point for me emotionally - I'd just had an abortion as I knew I couldn't cope as a mother and that he wouldn't help

Without him, 6 years on things are actually good, stable and sane. I hoope this gives you some hope.

(hugs)

Hi Desolate ive been watching your thread and hoping that you would be able to break away from your situation. i feel so sad that you haven't.

i was with my ex for 3 years. he treated me like crap right from the start but he has my first boyfriend (i am a bit younger than you) so i continued and allowed him to treat me like this. when i was 8 months pregnant i found out he was having an affair. he told me all the time how in love he was with this other woman and how he didn't love me etc etc but i was clinging onto him for dear life persuading him to carry on our relationship. having our baby made him eventually leave the ow.

10 months after ds was born i found out he was having another affair. he was extremely physically and emotionally abusive towards me and told me at every oportunity he hated me didn't want to be with me and loved this other woman. again i couldn't bare to loose him even though he was such an arse hole to me. he openly continued this relationship infront of me only coming home when he needed clothes. still i would bend over backwards for him doing his washing, persuading him to have dinner with me etc then he would go back to his 'girlfriend'

this went on for weeks and my world was broken apart. i still had a baby to look after.

one day i just cracked and rang his mum and got her to pick all his crap up. the next time he came round i took his key and he was at last out the house

it took me a while to get over it but once he was finally gone from my life i finally realised how free i finally felt and how awful and suffocating my life had been for so long.

i think it will take you to actively leave him before you can see what we see and how awful he is making your life.

you deserve so much better and there is so much more to life than clinging on to someone who doesn't even deserve to wipe your arse.

where abouts do you live near london> do you have lots of friends around you who know whats happening?

Desolate. No matter what you do, you cannot make the things that have gone wrong disappear. You cannot make him into the person you thought he was, and you cannot make him treat you any better.

He has brought you down to a level where you think you cannot cope without this relationship, no matter how bad it is. But that is not because you won't cope, it is because your self esteem has been shot to hell and it is a scary world out there, so much so that you think you will not be able to cope. It is like an addiction - you believe you need that cigarette and that you will not be able to fucntion without the cigarette. Truth is that once the drug (be it nicotine or toxic men) is out of the system you will wake up one day thankful that you have rescued the rest of your life, and amazed that you faltered when it came to cutting yourself free.

*

BTW, as an aside to other posters - there have been too many snidey comments here. If you are doubting someone then get off the thread and read the MN policy - don't post here. There have been some royal fuck-ups recently, and knocking someone when they are already down is bullying in my book. Call troll on the joke posts, by all means, but leave well alone from posts like this.

Desolate,

I echo the previous advice - small steps.

1. Pack an overnight bag

1. Book an appointment with your GP

1. Go and stay in your flat

Try and get out for a walk every day.

There are alot of people here behind you.

Take care

Go - this weekend. If you need people from mumsnet to help you - ask. No-one can help if you don't ask and I'm sure you will ahve loads of people willing to help. And book an appointment eith your gp. Good luck.

the OW probably doesn't want her DH to find out as he is a great baby sitter when she plans nights away!

Desolate - please please leave. You are in a negative spiral - the longer you stay the worse he will make you feel. And the worse you feel, the more you put up with being treated like this.

Please go. There is absolutely no way this relationship can be what it was, it is beyond repair. He broke it. Read back on this whole thread and what do you see?

You need to get away from him....

take care....

Desolate - sending you love and virtual support from here, for what it's worth. Thinking of you and wishing you so much more for your future. Don't give up!
Have you enlisted some help yet?
We need to hear from you and that you're ok.

did anyone else notice that desolate posted on another thread yesterday called 'i asked H to leave' or something along those lines??? So she must be ok ish!!!

I've been continuing to pack and tidy up the flat this week in preparation for the visit of two friend of Nobber Neil.

Have contacted the local CPN Visiting at Home Service and they are coming to see me every day.

Things went badly wrong this evening.

I wanted to go with N to collect one of the visitors at the DLR station. He's an elderly man and someone I've got on well with. I got in the car but N told me to get out. I said that I wanted to come to the station to meet S. N said "get out of the car and go in and get some tea ready for the visitors". I said no, he said "get out of the car and go indoors and put the kettle on" so I got out and closed the door and said "You're an idiot" and walked over to my Landrover to get something off the front seat. He opened his car door and the next minute was behind me shouting "Don't call me a f--king idiot" and the next thing I knew, I was lying face down in a puddle on the tarmac of the car park.

Good lord! Any witnesses?

No.

I would report that immediately to his Navy superiors. He is crossing a line big time now. And you certainly need to leave the house. Ring Women's Aid for support. I know you are depressed but please believe me and everyone, it will get better if you get yourself out of there.

(Aside to those commenting on the thread)
Anyone who doesn't believe someone could act this way has been lucky enough not to experience the real depths that relationship breakdown can bring you to. Glad other people have posted that they have been in similar positions.

Where are you now? I would pack overnight stuff in a bag, take your flat keys and go right now for tonight. Then get someone to go back with you for more stuff later. And I would speak to the police and/or Women's Aid as soon as you are somewhere safe. You must NOT allow him to think he's got away with this or it'll get worse.

Good grief!

Get out!

And you know what: this is what his OW has waiting for her in her future. Just remember that when you feel angry and envious of her. You have the chance to start over as soon as you gather the strength to leave. It will be hard but you must do it. You deserve better!

Why are you still doing stuff for this awful man? Please don't.

Dittany is right. You do not deserve this treatment.

Please leave. I'm sure a MNer would be more than happy to come with you and help if you feel unable to do this on your own.

If your friends knew what was going on they would support you 100%. And what about family? Do you have anyone nearby? Right now you really need your support network around you.

This is such a desperately sad thread but Desolate you know we are all behind you 100%.

Where are you Desolate?

You poor love. What is keeping you from leaving?