Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

very clear. leave.

also I live where OW does - If you want her H to find out....

Right....yes, as the OW said, he is very special, but not in a positive way!!

Leave him to her, and let her feel the pain that he is making you feel.

Saying she will do anything to protect her family, and playing around behind her husband's back (not for the first time apparently) is an oxymoron. It doesn't work. It's incredibly hypocritical.

Desolate, she is as nasty a piece of work as he is, wishing you happy birthday...how dare she?

Come on darling GET ANGRY!! I am, and I'm not even involved in what you're going through.

You need someone from Mumsnet to come and drag you out, then give you a massive hug....I feel awful for you.

Print the email and keep it somewhere safe. Contact the husband, if you feel the need. And then get the hell OUT of there.

And I'm still amazed that she doesn't want the husband to know when she claims she is "meant to be with" Nobber Neil. How is she going to pull that one off without hubby knowing?! Erm, she's not.

Please take solace in the fact that she's fucking him around and he will get hurt. Rise above it and get your life sorted before his falls apart. It'll feel amazing.

This is sounding increasingly fanciful. Can't believe anyone would stay and put up with this stuff. If you choose to stay then accept you are choosing to stay and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Otherwise have some self respect and sense and get out. The "too much stuff to pack" line is completely unbelievable.

Get out. Go.

When you are away from them - forward the email to his boss and her husband.

Please please don't roll over and take it.

GET ANGRY. THEY ARE TREATING YOU LIKE SHIT.

You deserve better. They deserve each other.

What goes around comes around.

PLEASE GO.

Desolate. The OW is terrified that you will tell her husband and I agree with others that her email is a threat. What does she mean about "resolving the situation" FFS???

Please, please, let go of this relationship. It's over. Get your stuff and get out. Bollocks to his housework. Every day you stay he will become angrier and more resentful towards you. You will just feel more and more humiliated. Please don't put yourself through it.

If you are feeling depressed and suicidal then you MUST to go to your GP and ask for help.

what 2rebecca said. Nothing in the tone of these messages rings true.

What I get from all this is that
a) he wants what is not available to him - twice - and that seems typical dumn male behaviour to me
b) the OW also likes to have something on the side - perhaps she's bored.
If this was true love then why don't they come out clean about it?
Load of BS, if you ask me, which you're not, but I just wanted to say that these people are behaving in an utterly disgusting way to you, and you deserve so much better.
Please get RL support - you need actual support. If I wasn't about to give birth I'd be down to pick you up myself.
These two deserve each other.
Are you afraid of what you've lost? Don't be - you might be amazed at what the future can bring you. I think how you feel now is a product of how this 'man' has treated you during your relationship? I don't think it's you at all, but how you feel is a reflection of his contemptable treatment of you.
Do you not think, even though extremely scarey, that if you take that giant leap and get out of there you may actually start to feel stronger? Is there anyone you can go and stay with, just for a few days to make some sort of transition so you can start to feel a bit stronger? There are some times in your life when you need to ask for help - and you must do so.

what 2rebecca said. I just can't believe that someone will stay when they're SO OBVIOUSLY NOT WANTED.....

Unless they are trying to change their mind.

"I am not a bad person .. but if my family gets involved in any way I will have no hesitation in resolving the situation."

• meaning what exactly? Nasty threatening tone to that.

"This message is not intended to hurt you.."
Really? So what is it intended for exactly then?

".. but I am a mother and believe me I will protect my family & those I love. You cannot change the course of life or love."
= so don't mess with me because I am REAL nasty.

She sounds vile. And he wants to be with her? I think he also sounds vile. What can he do to be even nastier than he has already been? They are two very unpleasant people by the sounds of things and they seem to be revelling in it too. I would cast the two of them aside like so much garbage.

I expect it is the depression which makes it hard for you to be proactive desolate. I have no experience of depression so I don't really understand how it numbs you. Is there someone, think hard now, anyone atall who you can rope in to help you get organised and get out.

I know you may be feeling, well to heck with those two idiots (I hope you feel that in some way anyway) but why should I jump when they tell me to?

It's not that though, they are not going to change their tune. I feel the longer you stay there, the worse they will treat you. Can you galvanise your mum, a sister, a neighbour, even go to his employers (army?) and get practical physical help. Don't worry a tuppence about how it influences his position. Get the practical help you need. You reallym ust get out - not to suit them but for your own good.

I've been thinking about this and wondering what I would do if I were the OP's partner.

He can't be any clearer really. He's said "I don't love you and I want you to leave"

He's gone to counselling and said "I'm here to let her know that I don't want her anymore"

He's told her "I want you to disappear"

He's treated her with utter contempt and been a complete bastard, but I'm wondering what else he can do WRT getting her to get the message. I guess he could change the locks, pack all her stuff and leave it in the street.

I have to say that the email makes little sense to me.

"If her family get involved she will resolve the situation"?

Anyone able to translate that?

Desolate

Try forwarding the email to her DH if you have his address.

Get the hell out of there. This is a self fulfilling prophecy. As long as you stay, you'll remain depressed and the further you sink into depression, the harder it will be for you to leave while those two oxygen thieves keep treating you like sh*t.

Your choice.

He will most certainly change the locks in the end. I thought of that yesterday but I think something is holding him back.

Agree that this thread is becoming increasingly fanciful. Many of us have degraded ourselves with men at some point in our lives, but this lady is 50...

Also, I find the whole OW thing totally bizarre. Why post that odd message from her, but not elaborate on it? What does resolving the issue mean. In my experience, not many men give up a partner for a married woman who has no intention of breaking up her family- that kind of romantic nonsense is more a female thing.

I'm wondering if the OP is researching a book or something.

Desolate- poor you. There are so many well meaning people here- we so want to help you but I fear that you are struggling so much that some of our words are not registering with you.

A lot of us feel it is in your best interests to leave ASAP but don't feel that you have to follow the advise on here in order to keep our support- we will support you whatever you decide.

You are not posting very frequently: can you talk with us?? Maybe tell us what is going through your mind and what you feel you need?? Maybe we could help you think things over bit-by-bit and take things one step at a time........

I don't necessarily believe this is fanciful. I hope - obviously - that everyone who's invested time and effort trying to help aren't being taken as fools (the book idea) but sometimes, if you're a decent compassionate person, you just have to go with the flow and respond to a thread at face value, because if it is genuine, but gets ignored because people are sceptical, the plight of the OP doesn't bear thinking about. I think 5 or 10 mins to type a response is a gamble worth taking to try and help someone in need.

Stranger things have happened than that email from the OW. There are some very cruel, hard hearted and vile people out there - being a mother doesn't stop you from being one. That line about "resolving" the situation rings true to me and would be the sort of thing a nasty hard bitch would say to intimidate the OP. Obviously, she can't actually resolve the situation if Desolate tells her husband - what she means is that she'll seek revenge if she does. Who knows what form that might take ? ..... attacking Desolate's property, or attacking her ? Hopefully (obviously) it's an empty threat.

I agree the OW has contradicted herself - this relationship that's apparently "meant to be" yet she will "protect" her family - meaning she'll protect herself the scummy bitch. In other words, she wants to have her cake and eat it. But who gives a flying fuck about the ins and outs of their "relationship" .... which is bound to end in tears one way or the other ?

The important thing is that you GET OUT for god's sake. There's NOTHING for you there except ongoing mental torture. No way do I want to be cruel but there's such a thing as being cruel to be kind and the fact is he DOESN'T want you. How much longer is he going to tolerate you being there ? Not for long I bet and then what will happen ?? This could get a whole lot nastier.

I think this may have started out as real but it is so far from what a mature woman would do that I am leaving this thread now as it is apparent that she doesn't want our advice unless it is to say stay with him.

The thing is that she also has somewhere to go.

Now I think "Neil" is an absolute bästard of the highest order, but he is entitled to ask her to move out & expect her to do so.

If it was her place they were in, everyone would be telling her to chuck his stuff out & change the locks.

She needs to get out before this happens or he gets violent,imo.

Agree, it sounded real until she disappeared for a few days then came back and said she was still there.
Imagine if the woman in this relationship was the house owner. She would be on here moaning that she had told her now exboyfriend to leave the house (and exboyfri9end has his own flat so wouldn't be homeless) because she wanted a relationship with someone else. The fact that the someone else is married is irrelevent. The house owner wants a relationship with someone else and wants their ex to leave.
We'd be posting saying how unreasonable the bloke was being for not taking the hint and going and suggesting she change the locks etc.
The house owner if he is real is not being manipulative. As far as he is concerned the relationship is over and she should leave asap.
This illustrates 1 reason a woman should not move into a house with a man without the financial stability of a marriage behind her or getting the house in joint names.

Hmm, I think you need to leave because he has told you he doesn't want to be in the relationship wnymore. That's all really. You need to get to your GP about your depression and get a community mental health nurse in place at your new place- mention the suicidal thoughts.

You only have to ask on here, and people can organise to help you get your stuff out of there.

I am usually quite quick to smell a rat, and I am finding it hard to believe quite how low you sunk since you first posted, but if that is your depression speaking, then please, just let somebody help. You really need to. Ignore the OW for now. If you still feel like screwing her at a later date, then it sounds like she is not invulnerable, but she is the least of your issues at the moment.

Oh, and I bloody love the duck tour- I said you should have called me