Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

And please go and see your GP so that you can get help dealing with your depression.

I have been following this thread and my heart sank to read you had taken such a backward step By that i mean you seemed to have a little bit of anger about the situation and was packing your things but that seems to have gone.

I think (unfortunately) you might have to skip the revenge/preserving dignity and go for preserving sanity instead. As others have said nobend has no right to treat you cruelly or cheat on you but he does have the right to end the relationship. He has made his choice clear and I don't think this is going to change you are just reinforcing his negative view of you. I think you should use this and say 'ok nobend, you want me out then you are going to have to help me pack up my things and move. If you refuse I will have to do it all my self and this will probably take another couple of weeks. I will be doing my own cleaning/laundry from now on but as we are no longer a couple, i won't be doing yours.' Also think if there is anything else you need from him, ask for that and then say 'then we can call make a clean break and have no further contact'. As this is what he wants, its in his interests to do this.
At the moment you have taken weeks to pack up your stuff and however chaotic the house is, it sounds like you just can't face leaving. have you been back to the GP? Sounds like you need extra support from community psychiatric nurse or similar as well. I also think such an arrogant bully is a bit of a danger considering what he's already said to you and you have to think of your safety. Good luck.

Desolate - I am sorry that things have got so bad for you.

It really sounds like you need someone to talk to you face to face and help you through this - is there no one you can ask (who isn't his friend too)?

I think that you have to walk away now - the relationship is over and staying is damaging your already fragile self esteem. Also think you need to go and see the GP about how you feel and get some help to feel better about yourself.

Hi Desolate, I'm sure you have a lot of information to take on board, but just to add my two cents...

It sounds like your depression is 100% holding you back from doing what is ultimately right for you, although admittedly scary. Please go and speak to someone, whether it's a GP or a Samaritan or a Vicar...please speak to someone who is physically present.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS. I cannot say this enough...NO ONE deserves it. If you suffer from depression, you may disagree, you may be willing to accept any bone he throws you - this will jsut drag on and on, and eveuntually you WILL get out, but you will have lost a lot of who you are. Please just get it over with, leave, anywhere.

I know where you are coming from with not having friends and family around, it makes it SO much harder to go, but there ARE places. If you don't want to go back to your flat, could you not just go on a trip? I know it sounds ridiculous and is the last thing you might contemplate, but honestly, go somewhere you have always wanted to go...somewhere cultural and interesting, and go ALONE. Because you will realise very very quickly that you CAN be on your own. None of us want to be, but when you get stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship (which it really sounds as though you are), you forget that it's even possible to survive on your own. He has made you forget.

At the end of the day we can only advise and offer a shoulder to cry, rage or vent on...you have demonstrated in past posts how much better you felt for actually talking to 3rd parties about this...I would suggest you go to your apartment or a hotel, call the Samaritans, and speak for hours and hours if you need to. They care about what you have to say, and will not give up on you, unlike this man in your life.

My heart is breaking for you right now and I know just what you're going through...I know that 1000 words will not persuade you to leave unless you feel that you can survive, but please speak to people. Please get away from him, even if only for a few days, just to breathe.

Maybe that's the best - give yourself 3 days away from him, no contact, out of that apartment...and if you feel suicidal for even a moment CALL SOMEONE or get your butt on here and let it all out over the keyboard.

hugs

Dosolate
I think you are trying to think of too many things. Just do one at a time and give yourself credit for that.

Pack one bag and take it to your flat if it is not too far away.

How would you treat a friend who was in your situation right now? think of yourself as that friend and do it for yourself.

I know you must think there is some hope left to still be clinging onto him so much - and do you know what things can still turn around BUT they will not until you allow them to. You are destroying the desolate he would want by staying with him.

At this moment he does not want you - you have to believe that - maybe in the future he will want you back and then you will have to believe that too.

Keep talking to us

Desolate I was desperate to know what had happened to you but was so sad to hear the latest news of your situation. You must get out and get out now. He will only get worse and it sounds like the OW is pulling the strings too. It will get worse unless you go. Move your stuff out, or as someone else said, get him to help move you. Please, for your own sake, you must leave him as soon as you possibly can. You will survive without hima nd will become a stronger person without him. he is destroying you and you owe it yoursef to start your life again without him. please.

Can this really be true?

That someone would debase and humiliate themselves to this extent.

Desolate, I fear you are mentally very ill amd this situation is going to destroy you.

I urge you very strongly to contact your GP/community mental health team and tell them how you are feeling and the position you are in.

I have no other words.

Anyfucker I totally understand where you are coming from here.

I think desolate is so absolutely depressed that she feels there is no way out and somehow she 'deserves' this awful treatment.

I know because I have been in a similar situation before (with my sons Dad) and it drove me nearly to the brink. That is how I felt. People with lovely or even just decent partners will find it vey hard to understand but the abuse does just wear you down so much.

Briefly, XP threw me out and said I was mad and didn't want anything to do with me any more. It was an unbelievably painful time. Anyhow this thread is not about me so i won't go on.

Desolate please get yourself out of there. Impose yourself on a friend, anything to get away from this dreadful and destructive situation. Even if you just walk out with the clothes on your back. No posessions are worth your mental and physical health. I did it and survived and you can too.

No-one thinks badly of you here, people are just upset on your behalf and wanting to help. Thinking of you. Please keep posting for support.

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry to hear this news, Desolate. You are clearly in such a difficult and vulnerable position.

First of all, please do go and see your GP - they really should be able to help with your depression and anxiety.

Could you also speak to a friend, a real life friend who may be able to come and help you for a couple of days? The church, perhaps? I do think you need someone there to support you at this time, as you don't seem to be able to see the wood for the trees.

Your partner is being very unpleasant and his behaviour must be worrying and frightening you. You need to gather up all your courage and try to move out.
Channel all the strength you are putting into staying, into leaving. Please do try -it isn't good for you or your health to stay around in this situation.

Can I just add - Desolate, if you really do want him back (let's just put aside the fact that he's a dick and consider what you want right now), please consider that running around after him and letting him drag you through the mud is not attractive.

I don't mean to sound blunt, I'm just trying to see your reasoning here. If your aim now is to get him back, then leave, show him that you are a strong, desirable woman.

Please hanging around there will not achieve ANYTHING positive in any way...

Really worried...

Oh desolate God how awful. Hestitate to make any other comment as I can imagine how bad you feel already. But please please please try to get away if you can. Sending you love and support.

Desolate, what do you want? He clearly wants you to go so there is nothing you can do to change that.

You need to pack your bags and go to your flat. You hint about suicide with the sheer drop but tbh it you really wanted to kill yourself I am sure you would find a way and this man is killing you in a way so you might as well get out before you do end up dead by him.

This can't go on.

4 years is nothing compared to the 50 you have lived.

You are a lot luckier than most that you don't have kids and have somewhere to go. Just go.

Desolate - this is the first time I've posted on your thread but I have been following it and thinking of you. I really feel for you and I wish we could all wave a magic wand and make it better but we can't - only you can do something to change this awful situation. You deserve much much better than this and you cannot allow this terrible treatment of you to continue. You NEED to leave him. Today. Don't worry about packing everything - just take enough for a few days and GET OUT. You have your other place to go to. Stop off somewhere and buy yourself a nice treat to celebrate your birthday - box of chocs/magazine/whatever and get yourself over to your new place. You need to do this today.

Whereabouts are you? If you are anywhere near me I will gladly come and help you do this!

Happy birthday by the way. You do still have something to celebrate - YOU and your future. 4 years out of 50 is nothing and one day this will just feel like a blip...

desolate - can i ask what life was like before you met this man? As others have said 4 years out of 50 isn't a huge amount. You must have had a life, friends, hobbies etc. Tell us what they were. It might make you remember what you are missing.

Desolate, I have been following your thread but haven't posted. This man is being absolutely hideous to you. Your depression might be making you feel that this is what you deserve - it is NOT. The support and advice and care you have received on this thread is what you deserve. Just read through it and believe that we are treating you as any rational, functioning human being with a modicum of empathy would. He is not.

You need to get away from him, now. Being alone cannot be worse than poisoning yourself for a second longer with this evil, selfish, uncaring man.

I think it speaks volumes that he continues to text the OW while he is with you, but the moment she is with her H, the texts from her stop. I doubt she will leave her husband. He is making a massive fool of himself. Leave him to it.

Happy birthday by the way. I noticed you said today was your birthday in your OP. Hope you're celebrating!!

Desolate, dear woman, Hoping that you can give yourself the very best birthday gift ever, which is TO GET IN YOUR CAR AND GO!

PLEASE?

Do you need any help? What part of the country are you, and who on MN is able to come get you?

I'm seriously, seriously worried for you, you need, for your own sanity and dignity to just get out of there.

If you do only one thing and nothing else today, make that one thing to go to your own flat.

he's humiliated you enough. No-one deserves this. If you were an animal, we could call the RSPCA and report him.

you know, it is easy for us to say leave straight away, get out now etc but we are on the outside looking in & it is different when you are in the thick of it.

I had to watch my BF go back & forth to her ex for years before she finally made the break. Sometimes it is a case of better the devil you know...

My BF went through mediation during the final break up. They are far cheaper than a solicitor as what is agreed isnt strictly legally binding, but atleast you get a voice to be able to say, "Ok i will go but i want x, y & z from you first."

Every one deserves the right to be happy, trust me when I say that being on your own will make you happier.

You will never be happy with this man & need to make that brave step, whilst you stay with him you will not get better!

I also agree that he will end up making a fool of himself - if she really wanted him she would be with him!

As in my posting nickname - life is just about the chances we get & the choices that we make to deal with those chances... Please dont wait for things to sort themselves out - only you can make things better.

Write a list of what you want to achieve before next years birthday & then start crossing them straight away!

OK Desolate, now this is true. Today is my birthday also, so we are twins. And I will tell you my story.
On my birthday 10 years ago (being 1999 - so a kind of important year) I had a violent abusive husband and 2 DSs. For years and YEARS I had been trying to get out, and i kept caving in. But eventually on that birthday I said to myself NO MORE. I promised myself NO MORE. I promised myself a new start. And I finally DID IT (it took me until the following February - sometimes these things take time and planning).
It was really hard and scary.
10 years later I can tell you this. I did it. My first night in my new little place that was all mine was a night I never forget. The freedom from fear. The sense of being ME.
10 years later, I have a new wonderful loving husband and a relationship I could never have even dreamed to be possible. Of truth, and happiness and self respect. Of gentleness and love.
Desolate, give yourself a birthday present. Give yourself a PLAN. Maybe it will be next February - I would understand. But I promise it will be the best thing you will ever do.
Happy birthday from 3 November Girl to another 3 November Girl.

Desolate - I too have been lurking and worrying about you though haven't posted before because I didn't know what to say that someone else hadn't already said.

I'm horrified that you're still there and can't understand why, particularly when you have somewhere to go to. Sweetheart, he isn't going to change his mind (and if he did, could you ever trust him again ?) for starters, and if you're staying because you don't want to be on your own and are thinking that the tiniest crumb of a contemptuous so-called relationship is better than being on your own, then I fear, just like everyone else, that your mental health will suffer even more than it already has. I very much doubt from everything you've written that you will be "tolerated" for very much longer and will be unceremoniously chucked out anyway sooner or later - possibly even literally. Alternatively, sadistic and cruel men like this are more than capable of making your day to day life a horrific misery in order to drive you out. Far far better that you go now before he destroys any more of your self esteem.

I don't know if you've let us know where you live - the county would do for now, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if it's a matter of logistics stopping you packing and/or moving, that you only have to say the word and you will get lots and lots of practical support from women in the area. Similarly, if it's the loneliness you fear, I guarantee that if you need to talk, rant, rage or cry - either on here, on the phone, or face to face - that lots of people would be only too happy, and greatly relieved, to help you for as long as it takes. Day after day, month after month if necessary.

Please don't let yourself be humiliated and treated with such disgusting contempt any longer. There's no way you deserve this.

This is the e-mail the OW sent me:

**

I know we have not been formally introduced and are not likely to be but thought I should get in touch.

I will not judge you and I hope you will not judge me.

There are people who come into our lives that we were meant to be with no matter how long it takes to find them again. You and I are both aware how special that someone is, but we are both also aware that you have to be truly happy in a relationship for it to work.

I am not a bad person as I am sure you are not, but if my family gets involved in any way I will have no hesitation in resolving the situation. If you want to know about me please ask Neil as he knows me more than I know myself or you can return my email.

This message is not intended to hurt you but I am a mother and believe me I will protect my family & those I love. You cannot change the course of life or love.

If I don't hear from you I wish you a happy birthday and hope you enjoy your weekend.

Kind regards

**

please just leave

Bloody hell!

The OW is threatening you.

Just leave fgs. He doesn't want you, she is starting on you and it will not get better.

You have somewhere to go. Just go. Stuff doesn't matter. What matters is your self respect and having somewhere to sleep without feeling scared about what will happen next.

Or just tell us why you won't leave as I sure can't understand right now.

AF says it all.

(I still think its all bizarre, please get professional help whatever is going on in your life.)