Thank you, all of you.
I'm finding lucid thinking a bit difficult at the moment but will try to write about the last few weeks.
I tried hard to leave before he got back but couldn't. I had so much stuff lying around that I couldn't pack it all away. Before he left, I'd been battling really severe depression for months and falling really behind with the housework and everything was totally chaotic and I couldn't find half of my things. I'd also been feeling suicidal and knew that the flat I would be moving out to has a sheer drop and I was afraid of what I might do.
He came home late on the Sunday and I could barely look at him. Something new was that he came to bed in his underwear, which he's never done before. A way of saying "No access", I suppose.
I'd asked my salon friend if she could come to Liverpool but her husband is ill and she has 3 children she couldn't leave. The hotel said that occupying our room on a single basis would raise the price considerably. On the Monday, I asked him if he would still go to Liverpool and he said he would think about it. I felt I had to get to Liverpool some how as it was the only thing which had been arranged for my birthday. He came home that evening and said that the OW (is that the right phrase?) had said he could go. I felt humiliated from head to foot.
The next night he was receiving texts; I asked and he said "They're private messages for ME". The next day she sent me an e-mail which I will write up later. I also discovered that he had logged into my Facebook and copied a message I had sent to hs friend's wife about our relationship. We went to Relate together for the first time but he was pretty nonchalant about it.
We did go to Livepool - stayed at the Malmaison. I said at one point "Do you wish she was here instead of me?" and he said "She would hate this place". I felt so ashamed.
Liverpool's a great place but I felt like I was walking through a living nightmare. There were moments when I thought that we were having such fun such as on the amphibious Duck Tour that he might rethink but I realise that he was under strict supervision all the time and the texts and e-mails flew thick and fast - until the Saturday, when her husband came home, then there was some peace.
Back to London on 25th October. Things start to get tenser. 2nd session at Relate last Wednesday - the Counsellor asked what we wanted from Counselling and he said just to let Deso know that she's history and just to bugger off. V. hurt.
Went to ZZ Topp concert afterwards. Tried to talk to him in car and he threatened to drive into a bridge and kill us both if I didn't shut up. At concert I got up after 2 minutes and went to sit on my own in the foyer.
On the way home, I asked if we could remain friends and he said no, he wanted me to just disappear. Very painful to hear after 4 years. Asked him to be kind to me and he said, if he did, he would never get rid of me.
Tried to keep things calm over the next few days but was starting to break down completely. Managed to get to Fleetwood Mac concert on Saturday with him but felt so miserable.
I'm getting so behind with the housework and washing and he's livid.
Today's my birthday and one of the saddest of my life.