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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
Iklboo · 16/10/2009 13:36

Nobber Neil was a heartless cad
Not aware of what he had
Off to Travelodge with a slapper he fucked
Not once backwards has he looked
Meanwhile desolate feeling crappy
Looked to Mumsnet to make her happy
'Leave the Bastard' we all cried
Hoping that her tears had dried
Desolate - not one for slacking
Hurried up and did some packing
Off to a new life in her own flat
Better off without that useless twat

Original poster
desolate · 16/10/2009 13:51

Brilliant poetry!

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 16/10/2009 13:55

Desolate will you get your ass in gear? Get moving. Get the man with the van. Get your stuff out.

Iklboo · 16/10/2009 13:56

thanks desolate. Just wanted to cheer you up a bit

theworldsgoneDMmad · 16/10/2009 13:59
sunfleurs · 16/10/2009 14:00

Desolate I read this in an article by Barbara Ellen in The Observer a couple of years ago and it really struck a chord with me. It helped me to realise that it wasn't about when my exh was being such a twunt it was just because he could be. Here is an excerpt.

"Or is it just the same old depressing story - 'Man Stops Having Hots For Woman and Wants to Really Rub Her Nose In It'? It has long been my belief that when a man is in love there is nothing he won't do for a woman, but when that man falls out of love there is nothing ... A Grand Canyon of indifference and contempt where all the good stuff used to be. This is what certain girlfriends of mine never understand when they occasionally burble away about what great friends they are going to remain with an ex. Give it a few months and they're astonished because, not only has the 'friendship' failed to materialise, but this cold-eyed devil, who clearly couldn't care less, and rather enjoys showing it, has appeared in his place."

The full article is here.

I hope it helps you to see that this is not really about you at all, it is about what a complete and utter prickwad Nobber Neil is. I am glad to seem my monicker for him has been widely adopted on this thread .

sunfleurs · 16/10/2009 14:02

wasn't about me.

Read the full article there is some great insight in there.

sunfleurs · 16/10/2009 14:03

Oh my goodness Moniker not Monicker .

JustAnotherManicMummy · 16/10/2009 14:05

Travelodge is really scummy. Anywhere you have to pay a deposit of £5 to borrow a cheap hair drier does not have a very high opinion of it's own clientele... and based on what the OP's told us about Nobber I'm not surprised.

I had to stay in one for a night after we got back from France when our house purchase had fallen through. DH kept his pants on and a T-shirt whilst I fashioned some makeshift PJs as it was not nice. We'd been on our honeymoon but neither of us could even bring ourselves to entertain the idea of anything more romantic than watching the telly.

I've stayed in much, much nicer student accommodation.

Nobber obviously doesn't think very highly of women... no loss to any one.

BlipinaBottle · 16/10/2009 14:05

Iklboo fabulous desolate all luck to you, you deserve to be happy

nappyaddict · 16/10/2009 14:15

Do you have a number for a man and van? Are you able to post what area you are in as we may know someone who can help you.

Original poster
desolate · 16/10/2009 14:21

It's OK thanks. We have a landrover in the garage.

OP posts:
Poohbearsmom · 16/10/2009 14:34

Fairplay to ya! It takes guts to do it but ur def doing the right thing. Life can only get better for u now. Best of luck xxx

Iklboo · 16/10/2009 14:52

And change your ring tone for him to 'I Will Survive' or 'Creep' by Radiohead

nappyaddict · 16/10/2009 15:07

Have you got much left to pack? Are you taking furniture or is the house furnished by the forces?

Original poster
desolate · 16/10/2009 15:13

It's furnished by the private owner to whom it belongs and who rents it to the Navy which rents it to Neil. I have my tv and sound system and all that sort of stuff here but no furniture as such. Still a fair bit to hunt out in cupboards and drawers.

OP posts:
6feetundertheGroundhogs · 16/10/2009 15:15

PLEEEEASE Desolate, please tell us that you are slamming the door to the fully landrover and heading out the door?

Come on Girl, you can do it!

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 16/10/2009 15:16

sorry, meant fully loaded landrover...

mankymummymoo · 16/10/2009 15:36

Dont leave a note. He will only mock what you write and probably show it to OW.

Just leave a few prawns sellotaped strategically around the house - under the sofa, under the bed...

diddl · 16/10/2009 15:40

Get out, get out, get out!!

Don´t look back!

Sever all contact now!

HappyWoman · 16/10/2009 16:13

I know you need to take your things - but how about leaving some of the less important stuff. Dont leave a note and dont leave the keys either.

He will be left wondering whether you intend to return or not - and your things around the place may serve as a reminder of what he has lost.

Show him that this 'stuff' you have left actually doesnt mean that much to you anyway.

Especially things like the pots - hard as it is to leave these things they may serve as a reminder for you too and maybe best left behind.

He will be phoning you the very hour he gets home - to find out where you are.

elmofan · 16/10/2009 16:33

omg - i have just come across this thread , Desolate are you ok ? your head must be all over the place right now but things will get better , i really hope you do find the strength to walk out of there with your head held high & never look back , sending you a big .x

diddl · 16/10/2009 16:56

I´m sorry,desolate, and I feel for you, but I cant help at Travelodge.

I mean, what a tightwad-he´s hardly out to impress, is he?

You know you´re better off out of it.

Keep us updated.

FABIsInTraining · 16/10/2009 17:52

Make su re you take what he will miss.

The telly, stereo, microwave, bed, kettle, phone, etc etc etc.

sayithowitis · 16/10/2009 18:21

i wouldn't do the jam thing .................................................................I'd use Deep Heat!