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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
dittany · 16/10/2009 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

benfmsmum · 16/10/2009 18:32

Leave the kettle but cut the plug off!!

We are all behind you and with you desolate - keep up the good work!

HappyWoman · 16/10/2009 18:35

I hope you do manage to get out before he comes home - it will be one of the hardest things you will have to do. A little part of you will want to believe that he will return to you and make it all up to you like it was some horrible dream.

Even if you were to want to give him another chance it will be best if he has to do all the running to you. If he wanted to he would be able to find you anyway so dont think that by you leaving your are doing the running away from the relationship - he has already done that.

Good luck with the move

mrsjammi · 16/10/2009 18:55

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FABIsInTraining · 16/10/2009 19:04

You need to leave asap so you can enjoy some time in your flat before he calls you.

Jujubean77 · 16/10/2009 19:04

What a cruel, heartless bastard. You are well rid. You may need some Therapy to get over this experience though. Emotionally you must be paralysed.

God I am so worried about you desolate

MusterMix · 16/10/2009 19:06

do I know you?

theworldsgoneDMmad · 16/10/2009 19:28

You've got a Land Rover? Oh FGS, don't even worry about even packing it into boxes - just chuck it all in the back and drive drive DRIVE!

Avendesora · 16/10/2009 19:33

Take the computer, then you can still contact people (us ) and wont feel so isolated.

desolate · 16/10/2009 19:51

MusterMix

I'd love to say yes but I don't think so.

OP posts:
Doha · 16/10/2009 20:02

Just before you leaveor soonerremember to phone that relative in USA (speaking clock or something similar) and accidentally forget to hang up the phone.

Shame about the phone bill tho !!!!

mankymummymoo · 16/10/2009 20:04

Desolate... are you leaving?

flaminhell · 16/10/2009 20:05

you deserve better, dont let him do this to you, he is weak, a weak man is no use to anyone, see him for what he is, hes a little boy playing games, and hurting you in the mean time, if you can leave him before sunday.

WriggleJiggle · 16/10/2009 20:55

Just wondering if it would be a good idea to change the locks on your flat? What is the security like in the flat? Please do not open the door to him there.
Is it a long distance away or is there anychance that he may arrive back on Sunday and then drive over to your flat. If he may do that you should try and be out.
Can you selotape the number for the police to the door and to your phone, just so it is handy. I know if you phoned them you would probably be out of their area, but at least then it would get back to his boss.

dittany · 16/10/2009 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElenorRigby · 16/10/2009 20:56

Desolate try to console yourself with this thought...
I am a step parent, being a good step parent is really really hard. Just check out the step parents forum if you ever have some time.
Your vile evil ex has taken on 2 children, children that do not deserve him!
In short I cannot see him being a good step parent and cannot see him being selfless enough to stick with it.
I feel for the innocents in this ie
the children of her, you and her husband.

diddl · 16/10/2009 20:57

Ihave to say I wouldn´t bother to anything with the flat to p!ss him off.

He sounds unpredicatable,and it´s forces/private propery.

mamas12 · 16/10/2009 22:41

With Forces property there is a check list of stuff i.e. plates etc. so smashing a few would mean he would have to pay and accidentally losing a fork or two - same. Marks on furniture - same. carpet dmage - same.
He is the one liable though so I would do a bit tbh. not a lot but just enough to make you feel alright.
Good luck about moving and let all and sundry know what happened. He had NO high ground at all.

theworldsgoneDMmad · 16/10/2009 23:20

Quite. If his mum thinks that this OW is their happy ending, then she's as much a fool as he is.

Waiting patiently for the post which tells us you're outta there

sarah293 · 17/10/2009 08:27

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VerityBrulee · 17/10/2009 08:28

Thinking of you today desolate, stay strong.

desolate · 17/10/2009 12:39

Thank you everyone so much.

Latest update:

Have gone out this morning to get some more boxes and will be here until late in the afternoon and then I will be off. He won't come back till tomorrow - too much slut available this weekend and he won't want to waste that.

This morning I was walking past the local beauty salon whose owner is a friend of mine and she saw me. I think people might have been pointing and saying "oh look, Morticia Addams from the Addams Family" but actually it was me, dressed in black and as white as a sheet from 4 days of not eating and sleeping. My friend called me in and I told her what he'd done. She told me to come back at 5 and she'll get the stylist to give me a new cut for free. My hair's almost waist length and thin and straggly but about ten inches is going to come off this afternoon to make a short bob.

One thing which had been upsetting me is that we were going to Liverpool for a long weekend next weekend to celebrate my birthday. Everything is booked but I'd been thinking of cancelling but now I think I might just go on my own.

OP posts:
Morloth · 17/10/2009 12:41

Can you find a girlfriend to go to Liverpool with you? Go and have a blast.

dittany · 17/10/2009 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2009 12:59

sounding good, des, sounding good

perhaps some Liverpool-based MN'ers would enjoy meeting up with you for a coffee and a "helloooo". However, go on your own, there are lots of things to do that don't require a man to be attached to your side

btw, why don't you name-change to something more kick-ass ?

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