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Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
6feetundertheGroundhogs · 16/10/2009 10:56

Please don't wonder what he's thinking of you, he probably isn't thinking of anyone but himself at the moment.

Just get a man and and a van and get the hell out of there please.

Don't give that creep a second thought. Change your numbers email etc and cut that tosser out of your life once and for all.

Chickenshavenolips · 16/10/2009 10:58

Totally agree with 6feet.

diddl · 16/10/2009 11:01

Yes, I agree, please get properly moved out before he comes back.

Leave yourself no reason to contact him again.

Ever.

ZZZenAgain · 16/10/2009 11:16

I really don't know what to say or what to advise desolate.

Good grief, what a bast*rd this man is and to think underneath it all this is who he was the whole time.

I don't know when he will be back but why should you leave your things for him? I would get a removal company to put it into storage and charge it to him frankly. I wouldn't take any notice of his threats - they are empty ones and don't believe a word of his "everyone is on my side in this" thing. His colleagues may not say it to his face but they will all be thinking what we are thinking.

I don't know the navy set-up at all but surely you do not have to run from your home now because of what he is doing and you surely are not expected to live there with him being abusive possibly violent on his return and subjecting you to his flagrant affair with this OW? Can you not stay there and get him barred or are you scared and just running out of time?

Heated · 16/10/2009 11:21

Have you gathered documentation along with your other belongings? Proof of earnings (both), marriage cert, bills that have both your names on, credit card, bank, contact numbers. When you're settled you can get your name taken off any bills and instruct a solicitor.

Disappearing and having no contact apart through coldly phrased solicitor letter sends its own message about his appalling behaviour. And it protects you from his bile. Can't believe anyone could see this man as an attractive prospect.

Would also tell everyone about his threats of violence against you (and scorch everyone of his bloody shirts!) But I think you're a much nicer and more dignified person than me.

There are bound to be MNers nearby if you want some RL support and friendship. We're rooting for you.

ZZZenAgain · 16/10/2009 11:27

yes that's good advice hassled. Get the paperwork collated ready for divorce proceedings and hit him where it really hurts (money and just moving on like he's a speck of dust to brush off your sleeve). Go to a see a lawyer and find out where you stand and what you need to do.

What a creep though. What a king-sized creep this jerk is. Idiot. I can't help thinking thank goodness it happened now after just 4 years and not after 24. You can build up a nice life without him. I would never be able to trust this man again -n ot just the unfaithfulness but the downright nastiness of him is something you will not forget.

Something started the way he is starting it, isn't likely to go well either.

ZZZenAgain · 16/10/2009 11:27

oops heated not hassled

JustAnotherManicMummy · 16/10/2009 11:42

Desolate you are doing so well. Don't let Nobber get you down. The relationship you thought you had doesn't exist. He is not the man you thought he was so don't mourn for him. It's ok to be sad that it's over but don't be sad to be shot of him.

Can you get yourself a man and van? You can do it quite cheaply. Anything you can't fit into your flat like furniture you can put into storage (which can be arranged same day - I've done it. From France via my SIL when my house purchase fell through).

Is there anyone around who could help you pack up? It may well be worth knocking on doors to see if anyone will pop over for an hour or two. Or you could see if any of the MOD guys with hiring a van and loading it for you?

You'd be surprised what people will do for a few cups of tea or some pizza and beer.

If you have a joint account please empty it now into one only you can access. You can also charge the storage place to his credit card if you are the additional card holder.

Even if you just get out with a couple of suitcases and a box of papers that is an achievement.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 16/10/2009 11:43

if any of the MOD guys will help with hiring a van

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 16/10/2009 11:52

Er, ladies, Op not married to him, emotionally owes him nothing.

Man and a Van, Keys through letter box, change all points of contact and walk off into sunset with head held well and truly high.

No one puts Baby in the Corner!

If you DO have the info to tell her DH, go for it. Bring their 'honeymoon' crashing about their ears.

Then close the book, that sad story is over.

You do deserve so much better than this.

summerisover · 16/10/2009 11:55

Go now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hire a van today and go!!

Gather all important paperwork and as much of your stuff/joint stuff as you can carry.

If you leave some pieces behind, can someone else collect them on your behalf?

But go now!!!!

Lots of love and luck!!

ZZZenAgain · 16/10/2009 12:03

Oh sorry didn't realise they are not married - so divorce is not relevant. Otherwise I think the rest still applies, re accounts, storage, removal etc. I hope there are people around to give you a hand OP, it's not easy to do all this when you have been hit hard

Heated · 16/10/2009 12:06

Oh, so glad you're not married to him (sorry about getting that wrong btw) - makes severing the ties more straightforward.

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 16/10/2009 12:06

You are just dragging this out, i know it's hard to pack it all up, feeling as you do, and this is making everything much more painful.

Rip the plaster off FAST! otherwise it's just torture. You WILL feel desolate in your own place for a few days, but it's YOUR space, and it will feel good in a little while.

If you stay in his house you'll give him the satisfaction of seeing the havoc he has created. don't give him that satisfaction.

Go, don't look back and sever all ties, he's not even worth the price of a phone call.

You will feel so much better when you have your pride and dignity back. you aren't going to get either until you do the right thing and walk out of that place.

He will be back on Sunday. you need to be gone ideally by nightfall today. Please don't give him the satisfaction of asking you to leave his house on top of all this humiliation?

ZZZenAgain · 16/10/2009 12:11

I haven't time to read the whole thread now , does she have somewhere to go?

Heated · 16/10/2009 12:12

Very good advice from 6feet, please, please don't give him the satisfaction. The only reason to stay is ensure his balls no longer dangle but don't think you're that sort of gal. A new and better life awaits.

piratecatagain · 16/10/2009 12:13

yes she has her own flat, which is fantastic.

ZZZenAgain · 16/10/2009 12:15

thank goodness for that

ZZZenAgain · 16/10/2009 12:19

I can't get over how hurtful this man is being. Really digging in the wound and then throwing in salt for good measure. It sounds as if when he gets back, he might want to see her face whilst he tells all the details.

I hope not.

I hope you're ok desolate. You're probably really busy. Let us know how you get on with things.

Iklboo · 16/10/2009 12:20

Zen - yes she has her own flat

desolate - repeat 10 times after me:

Nobby Neil is a worthless fucker and I'm better off without him

Avendesora · 16/10/2009 12:43

He might come back a day early, so I would have the majority of my stuff out by today, and maybe pop back tomorrow for a good look around to make sure I hadent left anything.

sunmonkey · 16/10/2009 12:44

Like the Iklboo thread

Original poster
desolate · 16/10/2009 13:03

I'm confident that he won't come back a day early. This Friday he's going to a military dinner where there is a lot of heavy drinking and he'll be semi-comatose on Saturday.

I have to confess I was wondering this morning whether to ring his sister-in-law who's very nice and ask her if she knows when N will be travelling back as she and N's mum all live in Poole, which is where the dinner is taking place. Normally he stays at his mum's for this weekend.

I suspect that she will have been told not to speak to me though, and I don't want to humiliate myself further.

OP posts:
Morloth · 16/10/2009 13:14

Stop stalling, pack your stuff and GO. Just walk away and don't look back.

summerisover · 16/10/2009 13:31

personally, I think the only people you should be phoning are removal people/van hire company!

Please don't still be there tonight, or tomorrow. You never know he might come home early because all this has kicked off...

Stop stalling (as Morloth said) and go now....seriously!