Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

[desolate]

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

No I don't Desolate. He will be lying to her too. He will NOT be telling her the truth about how he has treated you. He is lying to her as well.

omg

un-necessary, twisted cruelty

sneering ?

I hate this man

desolate - please dont torture yourself thinking they will be laughing at you - I am sure they are not.
He will probably be doing the opposite and getting her sympathy instead. He will need her to reassure him he is not an evil person.

WRT to him saying those things to you - he is trying to make you hate him so he can walk away without the guilt.

During affairs people do act in very strange ways - logic seems to have disapeared. It is the only way it can work and feel so good (if they both really thought about what they were doing there would be no passion).

Carry on packing - he wont give you another thought until he has to return - i expect you will get a call as he is on his way home.

Is he contacting you at all?

Happy woman is right about the guilt thing.

it took me forvever to understand this in my own sitch.

He rang me on Tuesday evening from his car as he was leaving his office to drive down to collect her. He shouted

"Been busy with the phone haven't we? Who've we been calling then? Caling and slagging me off? My mom, when I asked you not to, Nicole, Sharky and Margaret, well don't bother ringing my best friend as I've called him and explained everything .. and you might want to know that eveyone's on my side and saying N, come round if you need to, there's a bed for you here ....

I said:

"I just said to people that I wouldn't pobably be able to see them again, that I was very fond of them, would they keep in touch if they could please, Christmas cards etc. When they asked why, I said you had gone to stay for 5 nights in a hotel with a woman you had met on FaceBook and that you had ended our relationship".

He said:

and AND AND

I said:

"and would they please remember me ...."

he said:
..
"and that she's married with children", didn't you, DIDN'T YOU?"

I said:

"well yes, because it's true .... you can count yourelf lucky her husband doesn't know ... I could tell him if I wanted to ...."

then he said:

"and I've warned you, if you do or do anything to her family, I will throw you out as soon as I get back on Sunday and I won't hesitate to manhandle you out of the door if I need to!

If you're going to play dirty, so can I ...."

He continued and I put the phone down.

I haven't heard from him since.

He sounds awful. He's been so unpleasant that if I were you I wouldn't be feeling sad at all just very angry. It's much harder to leave a bloke who's horrid one moment (say when drunk and abusive) and nice and lovey dovey the next. This bloke sounds so abnoxious that I'm just amazed he expected you to be there when he got back.
Sounds good he hasn't rang back if he's been that nasty.

Thank you, everyone - I can't begin to tell you all how much your comments and support have meant to me.

What's difficult for me is that I have no idea who that man is who sneered at me as he walked out of our hall on Tuesday morning. On Sunday, I was cuddled up with my partner in our bed watching tv etc. On Monday morning he kissed me as he went out of the door to work, as normal. By Tuesday morning I was on the verge of fearing for my well-being.

All the more reason to get out of there, really, Desolate, and not look back.

Re packing: make a space in the centre of each room, put all the stuff you want to take right there. Ring the local removals companies and say you have a small job, explain the emergency, and see if you can get them to send a couple of blokes round with cardboard boxes to pack it up for you and get it out of there. It's a Friday so they might all be busy, but you never know.

I hope your flat is a decent distance away so you can get on with things without him being on the scene.

Before you go I would carefully spread jam all over the insides of his trousers, then carefully fold them back up so they looked normal and put them back in the wardrobe.

desolate, the man you think you know and the reality are 2 different things

don't build him up in your head to be nice and caring, he's a lying self absorbed tosser and this stupid cow he met on FB is welcome to him

you're well shot

TBH I wouldn't do anything with jam, etc , I'd walk away with my head held high and my integrity intact

time to start getting cold with him, show him you don't need him or care for him. and see a lawyer ASAP

God, just checked up on this this morning and new levels of cruelty have been reached by that wanker. My dad was also furious when my mum told his mum--they're scared and embarressed, they must be.

I can't believe he threatened you for her! Can you speak to someone at work about the threat? I know the army have a seperate police force, is that the same for the Navy? At the very least it would be another source of embarressment to him, which is the least of what he deserves.

I would definately be gone and I would contact the husband if you could. It will help his divorce if he can name an adulterer.

Sorry, be gone when he gets back.

You sound too lovely to do the jam thing - but its ok to think about it - i loved all those revenge stories - and it made it somehow 'light-hearted' to be able to even muster the beginnings of a smile was good in those dark days.

It is good to feel you COULD do all those awful things if you so wished but actually to KNOW that you are way to far above all that. It makes you feel smug.

So do enjoy that and if it brings a smile all the better.

He is angry because he thought he was in control and he is not so he is still trying to control you in the only way he knows how.

And of course at the end of all this he will be the victim in his own little world. so i do feel sorry for him - but even more sorry for the next one he strings along with his sob stories of how you didnt really understand him ............

Hope you manage to get the packing done and do let us know how it all goes.

Thinking about you

I'm really sorry to hear how he has been treating you devotion. I would take the advice on here; get yourself to your own flat before Sunday and speak to a lawyer.
In my situation, I always said the way he acted afterwards was worse than finding them together. What other posters have said is spot on - he is mortified that you have told people he knows the truth, and he definitely won't be telling her how he is traeting you. Keep your dignity by not doing anything in revenge, just believe that karma will come back and bite his arse sometime. And certainly don't be scared of his treats, there's no way he would jeapordise his situation further by harming you.

I'm still a bit shaky but I've reached a stage where I've decided I'm not going to expose myself to any more harm. The cruelty I've experienced recently has made me feel on the edge of a nervous breakdown and I feel that the tipping point which will be reached if I'm exposed to any more verbal abuse from him. I've moved to a point where I feel that I risk my mental well-being if I come into contact with him at the moment because he seems hell-bent on making me ill through distress.

The truth is that I've got a couple of little bags of stuff sorted out but I can't move my bits of furniture and all the pots on the balcony which are mine. There is still a lot of my stuff all round the flat but my well-being is more important, so I've decided to have a cut-off time when I leave everything behind. I'd rather be safe, in body and mind. I don't know whether to leave a note saying that I plan to visit the flat at times in the next fortnight when he's at work to sort out the rest or just vanish into thin air and leave him to wonder.

I spoke to the Royal Navy's Welfare Dept. at Portsmouth on Thursday and one of the things they said to me was to keep the number of the Provost (Royal Naval Police Force) on hand at all times in case things deteriorate. They said that if he knows the Provost is a phone call away, he will practice a level of self-control, as the arrival of the Provost will cause merry hell with his employers.

Reading this is so hard - how can anyone be so deliberately cruel to someone they have been close to for four years. It beggars belief, but we have had something similar in our family and sadly, some people operate on a different level in terms of morals and lack of empathy.

Desolate, be good to your self at the moment, do what you can to get out of the situation so you are safe - physically and emotionally.

He won't be able to walk away from his behaviour scot-free - it just doesn't happen like that in RL. His head is in his pants at the moment and when he surfaces for air, he'll have to face the music.

And a Travelodge??? Classy affair then?

and guess what will happen in a few years time when the novelty wears off?

he'll be behaving exactly the same to this other woman.

get out of it and count yourself lucky, you're still young, think of it as a second chance at happiness.

Paint/spray milk on the wallpaper - should be fermenting nicely by sunday!!

I think the main things you can do for yourself are:

Leave with dignity and no looking back. Visualise yourself 6 months down the line, feeling proud of yourself for not begging him not to leave, not allowing him to hurt you and use you anymore, and not blaming yourself.

Get as much as you can packed and be out of there on saturday - don't hang around to await his next round of abuse and cruelty! Leave only what you won't want to try and get back.

Get all the paperwork you need, and that bank statement of his with the travelodge bill on it, for proof (if you need it) of his cheating, for divorce proceedings.

Yes, ROFL at Travelodge. Couldn't be more cheap and seedy.

Thing is Desolate, both these people seem to be into serial relationships. They like the excitement of the forbidden, the secrecy. As soon as that wears off they will get bored of each other and most likely be at each other's throats. They together will create their own punishment.

I do think it is hilarious that he is trying to take the moral high ground whilst she is having an affair behind her husband and family's back. Get out of there, with your integrity preserved and don't look back. You deserve so much better.

desolate - I can't begin to understand how anyone can be so cruel. I just can't . Is he ill? That is simply not normal. He has got what he says he wants, why the cruelty?

So so sorry.

But I am glad you are getting out asap. Things don't matter although it isn't right that you have to leave your possessions behind that are yours because of his behaviour. Good that the welfare department are supporting you.

He is simply ghastly. I am feeling slightly sick on your behalf and cannot believe how a man in his late forties can be quite so evil. If I knew this man (possible I have been involved with the RN for over 15 years) I would be so disgusted I would have nothing more to do with him - I imagine that his colleagues and those who know the truth will be of the same opinion.

My offer is still there - if you need practical help, I am around Sunday am. If of course I got it wrong and you're not in London, sorry - I hope someone else can help.

Can't you get a removals firm to come along and organise that the driver and mate pack your furniture and plants etc. into the van? The removals firm will have somewhere you can store it until you're ready.

That would save you having to come back to the flat again - and you'd feel safer.....

I suppose it´s too lare to hire a removal van & charge it to him or the forces?

After all it is forces accomodation that you are being forced to vacate.

Don´t contact him again.