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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has gone away for a few days to a hotel with another woman

781 replies

desolate · 13/10/2009 12:25

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who can find a few kind words for me please?

I've been with my partner for four years and we've lived together for most of that. I will be 50 on 3rd November and was hoping for a surprise from my partner for my birthday. The surprise has come early.

About six weeks ago I saw him making furtive mobile calls and when I checked his mobile found several late night texts saying things like "I love you so much". I asked him about it and he told me without any concern for my reaction that they were from a woman he had dated 10 years ago and had recently refound on FaceBook. They'd met up since. He said that she was in the process of a divorce.

He's been getting behind at work recently so I've spent a few weekends helping in the office and I found a letter from her in which she said that she was staying with her husband (2nd one) because her kids needed to stay at their school but hoped N would wait for her. She said that fate had brought them together again and there was lots of undying love stuff.

I decided to do my best to repair my relationship and asked him what his plans were. He said he didn't know and was confused. I asked if he had plans to see her again soon and he said probably not.

He came home last night and said that our relationship was over and that he was heading off today to treat her to a hotel stay till Sunday, when he will come home, so that they could see how they got on - her husband thinks she's gone to see a girlfriend.

My world has fallen apart. Does anyone have a kind word for me or any advice as to how best to navigate such a painful situation. I will be really grateful. Thank you.

OP posts:
abedelia · 15/10/2009 19:32

Ha ha brilliant, and telling people it is with 'someone he met on Facebook'' makes him sound about 14 (which he is, mentally)... Good on you. I hope he gets a right dressing down when he gets back and reports for work. Shortly before they tell him to pack up his crap and go and live in the mess as he is no longer entitled to his home. She'll have fun moving in there with him. Don't lots of them have shared bathrooms

Avendesora · 15/10/2009 19:33

Hooray! Your really brave and should be very proud of yourself. Well handled, and in a mature way too. What is next on your list of empowerment? Can you log into his Facebook and change his status to Tosser? Do take the hardrive with you, it will inconvenience him no end.

SprocketAndTubbs · 15/10/2009 19:35

Hello Desolate

I have been following your thread and just wanted to say that it is really good to hear you sounding a bit stronger today.

Just keep focusing on Neil and OW a few years down the line - they may be all wrapped up in each other now, but when the 'honeymoon period' (sorry) wears off, are they really going to be able to trust each other 100% when they have both done the dirty on their partners? My mum always tells me that what goes around comes around and I hope this is true. I think you have had the last laugh here already, a lucky escape, by being given a chance to eventually move on to somebody who truely deserves your loyalty and devotion and who won't take you for granted. The two of them deserve each other and you won't have to waste anymore time on him!

LittleWhiteWolf · 15/10/2009 19:39

What a total tool.
My mums going through a similar thing (but it involves depression and other such fun stuff) so this really hits a nerve with me and I completely feel for you. Havent read all the posts, sorry, but most and I think your actions so far have been perfect.

I think (sorry if repeating a previous poster) that when he says he is confused and doesnt know what he wants, he means "I am a man who has two women and will keep two women as long as I can"

Take back control and either oust him from the house or leave.

If you can I would also contact her husband. If for nothing else so he can name your wanker partner in their divorce.

ZZZenAgain · 15/10/2009 19:46

sounds horrible desolate. Good luck with everything

abedelia · 15/10/2009 19:50

Do contact the husband, nothing is more of a passion killer than an irate bloke calling them 24/7, or with any luck the feeling you have been found out and have to go back to face the music - for her, I mean. Clearly he has no conscience.

SprocketAndTubbs · 15/10/2009 19:56

It's a shame that the flat you are staying in is the Navy's and not his, or you could have sown the word 'w@nker' into his carpet with cress seeds - give them a little water and they'd be coming up lovely by the time he walks through the door on Sunday!

raspberrytart · 15/10/2009 19:57

Gosh,desolate you poor thing.
Where are you?

whomovedmychocolate · 15/10/2009 20:14

Desolate - if you don't feel like moving everything all out straight away, hire a van for the week, load it in there and just lock the door and park it round the corner. Or take it to a storage place if you have a long way to transport it.

Ask everyone in the building if they will help you load it up too.

If you know who the woman is, is she military too - I suspect her career would not benefit from the publicising of this little adventure.

I would not tell the husband - he may already know - you may be the second person to hear the 'you're dumped' speech. And in any case, what good will it do.

What I would do is vanish if you can. Do not be contactable for a month. Then start divorce proceedings. A month is what you need to get your head straight. If you have to dump all your stuff at the local Big Yellow and just go on very cheap holidays do that. Things seem easier with both hindsight and distance.

I hope he gets the clap.

scrimble · 15/10/2009 20:27

Whereabouts in the country are you Desolate?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/10/2009 20:27

Just catching up with this thread and when I got to your post of 19:05:12 - I just thought that was beautifully done. Understated and elegant. Perfect. Well done you!

deste · 15/10/2009 20:59

I dont think I would be washing his shirts, in fact I think I would put them into the bin along with the rest of his uniform. Glad to hear a bit of anger from you.

sunmonkey · 15/10/2009 21:00

Hi desolate, have been reading most of this and I just want to say, stay strong and best of luck with everything. I hope he gets what he deserves, which he probably will... one things for sure, I'll make sure my son grows up to have more respect for the women in his life. Hope this is a newer and better chapter for you, after the heartache, you'll come out on top, I'm sure.

HappyWoman · 15/10/2009 21:15

are they white shirts? If so you really should wash them for him - with some red knickers . The sort where all the colour runs. Of course they must have been hers all along.

But bloody well done for telling people - a really positive step.

gonnabehappy · 15/10/2009 21:17

Desolate talk to us - I am having a worry about you.

Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 21:54

I'm here - still packing.

Nothing to worry about - Sir is miles away and busy with slutface.

OP posts:
Original poster
desolate · 15/10/2009 21:55

I'm here - still packing.

Nothing to worry about - Sir is miles away and busy with slutface.

OP posts:
benfmsmum · 15/10/2009 22:11

I've been following this thread and I have to say I think you are doing great!! Well done you!! Keep strong for yourself - he does not deserve you and you deserve soooo much better than him!!

JustAnotherManicMummy · 15/10/2009 22:15

I would do a wash for him. Maybe even two.

Firstly I'd put his jumpers through on a hot wash. You know, to guard against clothes moths. 90 degrees will kill anything nasty.

Then I would put all of his shirts, pants and socks in... with a small pot of live yoghurt. Put washing machine on so it fills with water... then turn it off. And leave it.

Then move out.

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 15/10/2009 22:17

Good for you Desolate! Good going!

Justanothermanicmummy: Remind me never to fall foul of you eh?

JustAnotherManicMummy · 15/10/2009 22:19
Grin
benfmsmum · 15/10/2009 22:25

I would leave something sentimental for the two of you in sight for when he gets home, just to remind him of what he has lost and how much of a tosser he is!!

For example: I found out that my ex boyfriend was seeing someone else and so I moved out (while he was at her house and he didn't know I knew about her!) and just left a dress and a pair of shoes that he had recently bought me hanging in the wardrobe!! I can imagine his face was a picture when he saw them!!

theworldsgoneDMmad · 15/10/2009 22:48

Oh my god. Most clear cut, black and white, unanimous thread I've ever seen on MN. You poor thing

I am in the area you say OW and her DH live so may very well know or know of these people

Very glad you're leaving him. Don't waste any time on payback which you could be spending on packing right now.
The relief of knowing you have everything will be more useful to you at the moment and after all, revenge is a dish best served cold!

Don't look back and good luck

Heated · 15/10/2009 22:49

Really impressed you're taking action Desolate and are going to leave this deadweight behind. He is in no way is good enough for you.

Still have this image of you up at 6 o'clock ironing his shirts.

Original poster
desolate · 16/10/2009 03:11

It's 03:08 and I'm awake again. I feel so ashamed about what has happened, so humiliated. I don't understand the necessity to tell me our relationship was over and at the same time tell me that he was going to spend the next 5 nights with her. It seems so very cruel and I don't understand why, after 4 years, he has been so cruel, almost sadistic. Does anyone perhaps understand why?

One thing I think I haven't mentioned is that his bank statement for August showed a Travelodge booking for the middle of the month, when he was down in Portsmouth for a meeting and stayed away overnight. The same day they met for "coffee".

I didn't say that I had read the statement but pretended that Travelodge had rung to ask about crediting points for a recent stay to a Travelodge card. I asked him if he had stayed at a Travelodge and he said no, he'd stayed in barracks. I said I'd have to ring Travelodge back and enquire. I told him later that Travelodge said the stay was for Portsmouth (fib) - he said no, not me. I actually rang Portsmouth T'lodge and asked to confirm the booking but there was nothing in his name. I wrote the customer service numbers down with some fictional names and told him we would have to ring to find out why T'lodge thought he had stayed somewhere. I left the bit of paper on the table but it vanished. I found it hidden in his cupboard at work later. I said every few days "oh we must ring T'lodge" and he didn't blink once.

On Tuesday, as he walked out, he turned towards me and said "oh ... it was a Travelodge ... just not the Portsmouth one ..." as he sneered at me.

I don't understand the levels of cruelty he is reaching, I just don't. What did I do?

I have visions of him updating her each night about my bewilderment and clear distress about each development as it happened and wonder how much pleasure it has given them to watch me experience such vivid pain. Even as I write, are they lying entwined in bed, saying to each other "what do you reckon the stupid bitch is doing now?"

OP posts: