Thank you WhenwillI. ? We seem to have been posting on a few similar threads of late (I?m not stalking you )
While (as you know) not necessarily always entirely agreeing with you, I find your posts very constructive and thought-provoking. I?m not actually hung up on how my first marriage ended but am only a (relatively) newly wed and conscious (as you note) about not wanting to repeat any mistakes. My DH is a great communicator and I have a learned tendency to internalise so I am re-learning to express my thoughts outwardly ? MN helps with that sometimes.
You and I share many views ? different end results to our experiences clearly but that was more a product of the marriage (yours a good one and mine a bad one) not the nature of the affair.
Let me just respond to MacDoodle and say ? I absolutely do not think it was all my fault that my exH had an affair but very much partly my fault that the relationship got to that stage and no I did not take exH back ? so you couldn?t be much more wrong about what it sounds like! It possibly sounded that way becasue I am now with my new DH and very happy and feel guilty sometimes because my exH bore all of the criticism when our marriage ended, and to some extent I allowed this - not out of maliciousness but I was too tired and exhausted to do anything about it.
WhenWillI - In answer to your question, of course I would have preferred that exH did not have the affair and that the relationship had ended in a different way. Just as I am sure that you wish that your DH had chosen another way to give you both a wake up call. But just as he chose an affair to deal with his unhappiness, I used to chose going out every 4 months or so, getting drunk and then trying to force the issue ? hardly any more grown up or likely to arrive at a sensible resolution. But the reason that I remain disappointed in exH is that however inappropriate my behaviour was, I was at least (albeit drunkenly) bringing the issue to the table. It was obvious that we were desperately unhappy and until he had his get out card (ie OW) he would not fact up to it and made me feel that I was imagining how unhappy we were. That cowardice caused me a long period of unhappiness and doubting my own judgement, much more damaging than the affair itself.
The Monkey/branch analogy is a really good one. I have heard that before and I did despise my exH for being exactly that kind of person. It is a weak person who does that. It is just that - however weak - I understand it. We are all weak in some ways and need that branch at times in whatever form that may be. Better to grab that new branch sometimes than be killed as the hurricane blows down the old tree.
It never ever crossed my mind to have an affair ? I was kind of dead for a long time, I just would not have had the energy to deal with that kind of hothouse of emotions but that was nothing virtuous in me ? probably just that I was in a kind of mild depression? but if I had found another type of ?branch? to extricate me (secondment overseas for example) I might well have grabbed it. When I first met my DH (2 years after my marriage ended), I used to have a recurring dream (I have had this dream with differenct participant over the couse of my life) that I was still married to exH and was having an affair with DH. I would wake up feeling very anxious and can?t begin to describe the relief on waking up to just snuggle up to DH and find that the situation was not real and I did not have to deal with it.
I know that some of my views are probably not clear from my posts but I do consider that having an affair is wrong and I would 100% advise against it especially as a way out of a marriage. I just don?t think it is unforgiveable, and I definitely think it is usually understandable (that is not to say "acceptable" just that one can comprehend the reasons) and absolutely ? a relationship can cross a line by surprise.
Affairs cause misery, pain and humiliation in almost every case and usually for everyone involved- so if for no other reason than you will make yourself unhappy ? don?t do it. I don?t think you can imagine how hard it is just to know that you are causing someone else such pain and humiliation let alone what you feel yourself. But to be in a situation where something so painful and horrendous as an affair can seem like a good option (even if that is just down to being naïve about the consequences) ? that is truly terrifying and deserving of sympathy to me. Perhaps those who have been unaffected by infidelity and have such strong views (as you pointed out WhenwillI ) have those strong views because they are not tempered with the sympathy of knowing the pain and so focus more on the wrongdoing and the betrayal?
Let?s face it we are not usually on MN debating serial cheaters or blokes (or women) going out and regularly picking up other women for one night stands or listening to people talk about trying to save their marriage to such t*ssers. Because you either get the hell out of such relationships or (if you are a masochist) you suck it up, accept that is how it is and get on with it.
We are on here debating situations where a connection is made outside of a marriage usually because a connection or level of connection (for whatever reason) has been lost within the marriage and this develops into something deeper. And while it is absolutely the right solution to talk about problems and resolve this inside the marriage, it is not always easy (sometimes as in my situation no longer possible at all)?especially where this has become the norm over a period of years. You don?t always realise what is happening, you just feel a bit lost (perhaps selfish if you know your DP is stressed with the DC or with work or seems quite happy with the status quo making you feel disconnected and alone) and then over a coffee you say just a little too much to a friend/colleague who is sympathetic and seems to understand?
I understand your comments about the OP?s reaction, WhenWillI but again would go back to the guilt. There were some mixed messages in OP?s posts ? the ?adoring? point and some of the subsequent apparently contradictory comments are good examples. Possibly these are self justifications but equally possibly just a symptom of confused thoughts and guilt and feeling selfish. OP is understandably confused. I worry that strong criticism just pushes OP or anyone contemplating embarking upon an affair into feeling that no-one understand them which increases isolation and makes that affair even more likely. Especially if in due course the other person is the only one who does seem to understand them?.
I used to be very firm and intolerant in my views on a lot of things ? very black and white and I am not any more. I used to think that the only regrets you have are the things you don?t do and then I really let down someone who meant a lot to me (I?m not talking about my marriage here but I know my exH would view the way our marriage ended as his biggest regret in life to date) and I learnt that the biggest regrets are actually the things you do really badly, especially when they hurt someone else. And that was the hardest lesson I hope I ever learn. I just try to show a little understanding and a little less criticism now when I see people in the process of learning that lesson.
Sorry for the long post and any typo's I;ve missed. No doubt will cross with you again WhenwillI & good luck!